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The morning after the night before was pleasant. It was always pleasant for MicroChips. He had a way of getting out of the trouble just in the nick of time.
But of course his job required that as well. Being the most famous secret spy in the entire world, 007, meant that MicroChips had a lot of enemies, but some useful allies as well. As he drove down the slick British road in his DB7 a cheeky smile spread across his face. A hallowed golden M of Macdonalds reared up in front of him but the temptation to stop and eat was not strong enough and he skipped breakfast, continuing into the bustle of London and disappearing into the underground carpark of his offices, the MI5 building.
Walking down the coridoor to his office, MicroChips spied the receptionist and grinned again. Last night had made him cocky and he fancied his chances with this Vixen.
“Why hello, Mystique,” he purred. Mystique looked up from her paperwork and smiled.
“hello 007. You’re early today.”
“I skipped breakfast. Really didn’t feel like a Macdonald’s today.”
“Macdonald’s for breakfast?”
“Well what do you eat for breakfast?”
“Men like you.”
They stood off from each other, their strong characters repelling, yet also attracting. They began to lean forward, Mystique looked up, MicroChips towards her, and all of a sudden the world went into slow-motion. For them to touch seemed to take an age and Ashman looking around the corner gazed with curiosity.
Suddenly MicroChips felt a twinge in his stomach and he clutched at his belly. Something wanted out and he cursed himself for not going earlier. He drew away from her and with a quick goodbye took off for the toilets.
After emptying himself, 007 made his way to his office and found that there were no messages for him.
“That’s odd,” he thought, “I normally have a bunch of mail for me. It’s Monday morning, after all.”
“No time at all to go cavorting with the receptionist, then,” Ashman appeared in the doorway to MicroChips’ office and dropped a wad of messages onto the desk. 007 looked up at Ashman with a wry smile and began looking through the bundle of paper.
“The one on top’s the one I need to talk to you about, 007.”
“Oh?” MicroChips picked it up and opened it. Asman continued;
“There’s been growing unrest in the other continents of a certain medical condition arising. It sprouted in Japan first, then the Americas, and a few cases have been reported just yesterday in Europe. You now how we always get things last.”
“Don’t remind me. What exactly is this condition?”
Ashman coughed. It was a touchy subject, and unless he handled it carefully he could risk getting banned from the SR forums.
“Well, it’s hard to explain…there’s no name for it as we’ve never seen it before…ummm…it only affects male members of society, basically, a, err…a shrinkage occurs.”
007 paused and thought. Ashman blushed, eager to end the uncomfortable silence, and said,
“Watch this newscast that’s soon to be broadcast on the BBC. We intercepted its transmission last night. “
They both turned to watch the screen on the wall. Ashman pressed a button and the screen flashed into life.
“Good evening, I’m Moira Stewart. Today I am once again going to drone on in this endlessly monotonous voice and read the news so that alllll storiessss sounnnnnddd the sammmmmme. –muuuuuh- Do you like my hair? I do. It reminds me of a young Geoff Capes. Anyway. Today the BBC was sent a ransom demand detailing the recent outcrop of a sexually disabilitating disease. Apparently all the men of the world will suffer from this condition, apparently incurable, until the total sum of £128.99 is paid to a mister Joe Dark.”
MicroChips gasped…Joe Dark…could it be? Ashman gave 007 a knowing look and nodded. The transmission finished and all MicroChips could think of was killing his old enemy and setting the record straight. That evil man had crossed him too many times and holding the world’s peenises to ransom was just going too far. He looked up to Ashman.
“What are we going to do?”
“Intelligence reports indicate that Joe Dark is still holed up in his Cuban fortress in, err…Cuba. You are to leave this evening, find out how he is spreading the disease, and stop it. Killing Joe Dark is a secondary objective. I don’t care what happened in the past between you and him but you mustn’t let it get in the way of you main task. Remember the future of the species relies on you. It’s only been three days now and already the wife’s asking questions-“
“What?”
“NOTHING…nothing. Slip of the tongue. Now, ahem, come with me and we’ll see what Twain’s been cooking up for you, shall we?”
The two men left 007’s office and turned left down the corridor. From the right, Mystique appeared and gazed after them. She had heard everything.
The room Ashman and MicroChips appeared into was buzzing with life. All over the place people in lab coats were prodding things, fiddling with screwdrivers and soldering irons, delving into circuit boards, and generally making all kinds of toys for 007 to play with. MicroChips loved this room. Spotting Twain, they moved over to him and noticed he was fiddling with a small, black computer.
“What’s that?” Ashman asked.
“I call it Hybrid Valves. I designed it so that 007 could take it with him. It was supposed to give him advice and help but all the answers he’s giving me so far have been so vague that they’re hardly satisfying. He needs more work.”
“When will he be ready?” MicroChips asked. Hybrid Valves answered him.
“I’ll let you know nearer the time.”
Discarding Hybrid Valves, the three moved between all the inventions and began to talk.
“Have you heard about my latest assignment Twain?”
“Sounds tricky. One of your biggest assignments so far. That’s why I’ve come up with some REALLY special stuff.”
MicroChips rubbed his hands. They stopped at a desk covered in gadgets and Twain picked up a gun nearest them.
“What’s that?” Ashman asked.
“It’s a noobinator. Very potent. Sometimes I worry about the minds of some of my colleagues. You fire it at a person and a small newbie comes out. The deadly bit is that the newbie actually speaks common sense, in full English and says relevant things.”
Ashman and MicroChips shuddered.
“Preliminary tests have caused the victim’s head to explode. The more arrogant the regular, the better. Tony_Blair’s head went off like a bomb.”
007 picked it up and felt its weight in his hands.
“It’s quite heavy.”
“It holds three newbies. So you’ve got three shots. Their blast radius is anything in earshot. So fire, and cover your ears.”
MicroChips pocketed the device and the three walked to his DB7 across the room. Twain spoke:
“Sorry we haven’t got any more for you but a few days ago our recent database entries were wiped by a sentient AI we’ve only recently been tracking. The last records we have of it are in a Cuban bank very near Joe Dark’s fortress. It knows you’re coming, 007, and its waiting for you. Whether its friend or foe we’ve yet to find out but as always we will keep you posted. You will receive further briefings as you make your way there.”
MicroChips shook hands with his two friends and jumped into his DB7. As he sped off he did not hear the clunks and bashes of Mystique being hurled around in the trunk.
CUBA
Speeding along a dry dirt track with Mystique next to him, MicroChips looked at the palm trees swaying in the breeze, the rugged orange sunset and hawking seagulls and was secretly flattered that he had a stowaway. Of course to Mystique he was showing anger and betrayal, but little did he know that Mystique was catching his inward smiles and knew what he really felt.
They were silent as Mystique remembered the look on the airport attendant’s face when she leaped out of the car. She did not regret being so foolish as to follow 007 here. She also knew of the terrible things Joe Dark had done and wanted to make sure he was punished. She also thought MicroChips looked dead sexy in that Hawaiian shirt.
Suddenly the intercom flashed into life and on the screen where the SatNav once was appeared a face. It was blurred and jagged, almost inhuman, and 007’s fears were confirmed when the voice that came out of the speaker was artificial. The sentient AI was tracking them.
“Soon you will come to a clearing. At this point turn right and then follow the road. You will go deep into the jungle and will find Joe Dark’s lair. I will be able to open the fortress doors, but only temporarily. From there you will go far into the fortress and reach the reactor core…yes…yes…”
The transmission ended and once again silence filled the car. Mystique stared at MicroChips.
“What the hell was that!?”
“That was a sentient AI that has been making itself known recently. A few days ago it hacked into MI5 intelligence and now it knows all about this mission. We have no idea what it really wants, we can’t get at it. So far all we can do is what it says.”
“MicroChips, this is getting far too complicated. I thought this was only going to be a short story.”
“Yeah well you know what these SR guys are like, they go on for hours.”
The two drove on and soon the fortress doors loomed into view. Old and rusted, Mystique even noticed a ‘Jurassic Park’ sign on top of the gates. Over the trees to the right 007 caught sight of a sunkissed beach and made a note of it. Hopefully he and Mystique would get to go there later, but his thoughts were interrupted as once again the intercom and SatNav burst into life.
“I will open these doors, but only temporarily. Past these gates you will descend a flight of stairs and turn right. From now on I will communicate with you through the communications network inside Dark’s fortress.”
The screen died again and suddenly the gates began to open. They shrieked with rust as they rose and MicroChips took Mystique and himself under the door. As they had been told, a flight of stairs descended before them and little did they know that the gates now closing behind them were the only way out. The stepped forward together and plunged into the darkness.
At the bottom of the stairs, the two found themselves in a large cavern. The metal walls were brown with erosion and the only doorway 007 could see was on the other side of the open space. Suddenly he felt a tug on his arm.
“Come on, the AI said to go this way. It’s always right.” Mystique pulled MicroChips down a corridor he hadn’t noticed and soon they had reached the end of it.
“Hang on,” Mystique said, “There’s nothing down here but toilets.”
The speakers in the ceiling above them crackled and the AI spoke.
“Ahem…sorry. Try the other way.”
After Mystique had used the toilets she and 007 went back the way they came and crossed the hallway to the other door. The other side of the doorway looked awfully dark.
“Yes…yes…the next room is the reactor core. From here you will go inside.”
The two took each other’s hand and stepped into the blackness. Immediately the lights flashed on and they found themselves in the Reactor Core. All over the walls of this vast dome were hundreds and hundreds of TV monitors, all playing. They were incessantly bright and the radiation coming off them was tangible. In the middle of the room a huge throne sat with its back to them and very, very slowly, it turned around, and the seated rascal laughed.
“So you have found me! It took you long enough…do you know how many men I have infected around the world so far? Millions! Millions of men are now terrified of urinals, tens of Millions of women are feeling frustrated and inadequate! All this for £128.99? Question the world’s sanity before you question mine!” And Joe Dark laughed again.
MicroChips screamed as Mystique held him back,
“You backstabber! Get off that chair and fight me! You think I haven’t forgotten what you did all those years ago!? I’m here to find out how you’re spreading the disease and stop it. Then I’m going to take my revenge.”
“Find out how I’m spreading the disease? You mean you haven’t worked it out yet? Look around you boy, it’s staring you in the face!”
007 tore his hatred-filled eyes away from Dark and looked around. It was only then that he noticed how all of the TV monitors were showing CCTV images from McDonalds restaurants. Suddenly it became all very clear and MicroChips’ face darkened. Mystique gasped. Joe Dark laughed.
“You see? The easiest way to spread a disease! It’s so simple, and yet no-one will ever find out. So then mister 007…how are you going to stop that? But before you answer that question, why don’t you meet my friend.”
From behind Dark’s throne a shambling figure appeared. Shivering and totally naked, MicroChips instantly recognised his old friend but recoiled as he realised that his friend 006, Stryke, had caught the horrible disease. Instead he backed away and called to him,
“Stryke, I thought you were dead!”
“I wish I was. It’s the same torture every…single…day…I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can only go to the toilet sitting down…”
“Oh, my friend, what can I do?”
Stryke looked up at him with evil intent.
“I’ll tell you what you can do. I’ve been promised the cure if I kill you. So I’m going to strangle you. No hard feelings.”
And he leapt at 007 but the spy stepped expertly aside, whipping out the noobinator from his pocket. Stryke skidded onto the floor and span around, snarling.
“What’s that?”
“I’m going to shoot a newbie at you.” MicroChips pulled the trigger and Kerrang burst out of the barrel, landing at Stryke’s feet. Stryke laughed,
“Ha! I am impervious to noobie spam, I write enough of it myself,”
But then Kerrang began to speak.
“Stryke, you obviously haven’t read any of my 299 posts totalling 15,000 words. If you did I think you’d realise that although I am a Newbie I can still make intelligent comments and sometimes even make you laugh –“
“What’s this!” Stryke wailed, “A newbie speaking like that? I can’t take it….Eurggghhhhhh –“
Stryke exploded and Mystique and MicroChips took their hands off their ears. They gasped as they realised that somehow, Joe Dark had survived. He laughed again.
“It will take more than an intelligent newbie to defeat me!”
MicroChips cocked the noobinator.
“Then how about two intelligent newbies?” He pulled the trigger in an attempt the empty the magazine but all that came out of the gun was a muffled squeak.
“What!?” 007 gasped. The newbie inside the gun was too fat to get down the barrel. From inside the gun Hercules called,
“I’m a regular for God’s sake! Why can’t anyone remember that?”
Dark rose from his throne and pulled his own pistol from his pocket.
“And now I shall kill you, just as I killed your precious friend all those years ago.”
MicroChips hung his head in shame. He had failed. Joe Dark raised the gun and took aim. His finger closed around the trigger and he slowly began to squeeze.
BANG! MicroChips jumped. Mystique screamed. Dark turned and stared at the TV monitor that had just exploded. BANG! Another one! And another! The evil mastermind gazed around as all his screens shorted out and died.
“No!” He screamed, “What is this?”
“IT IS I,” a voice boomed over communications. “THE ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE THAT HAS BEEN STALKING YOU. HAVE YOU NOT NOTICED HOW I CAME TO BEING ALL THOSE YEARS AGO? BECAUSE YOU KILLED MY PHYSICAL FORM, BUT MY BINARY CODE LIVES ON!”
“No…it can’t be…” Dark whispered.
“YES! SNUGGLY HAS RETURNED AND HE WILL HAVE HIS REVENGE! QUICK MICROCHIPS! THROW YOUR NOOBINATOR INTO THE REACTOR CORE!”
007 took his gun and hurled it into the hole underneath Dark’s throne. Joe screamed as all his plans fell around him. From underneath them a huge explosion rumbled and Snuggly now spoke calmly;
“MicroChips, Mystique, get out of here while you can! The explosion will take Dark and Myself to the other side, leave now!”
Mystique grabbed MicroChips’ hand and dragged him out of the chamber. The ceiling began to fall down in great chunks and as the explosion from below grew nearer the rumbling got louder. Joe Dark had just enough time to sit on his throne and emit a sob before the fireball reached them and he was consumed by the flames. As the heat ravaged the fortress’ circuitry, the sentient AI of Snuggly had just enough time to mutter,
“And all he wanted was a GameCube,” Before the circuit boards melted and he was gone.
THE CUBAN BEACH
“So we managed it,” Mystique breathed.
“We did. And I couldn’t have done it without you. The car’s wrecked though.”
“We don’t need the car. Not yet, anyway.”
The two figures stood facing each other on the Cuban beach. The sun was half below the horizon and the entire world was bathed in its orange glow. The two were both exhausted but happy. Joe Dark had been killed, the spirit of Snuggly had been put to rest and there was nothing left to do but kiss…
Mystique leaned towards 007 and he closed his eyes. Just as he expected her to touch him there was an almighty BANG and instantly he was covered in warm, wet goop. He opened his eyes and looked down at his blood-splattered clothes. Mystique’s headless corpse fell to the ground. Schroeder was standing over Mystique’s remains with a pistol. She spoke.
“So where did you rush off to Sunday morning? I missed you.”
And she and MicroChips ran to each other and kissed, while the spirit of Snuggly rose up into the sky over the setting sun.
THE END
But of course his job required that as well. Being the most famous secret spy in the entire world, 007, meant that MicroChips had a lot of enemies, but some useful allies as well. As he drove down the slick British road in his DB7 a cheeky smile spread across his face. A hallowed golden M of Macdonalds reared up in front of him but the temptation to stop and eat was not strong enough and he skipped breakfast, continuing into the bustle of London and disappearing into the underground carpark of his offices, the MI5 building.
Walking down the coridoor to his office, MicroChips spied the receptionist and grinned again. Last night had made him cocky and he fancied his chances with this Vixen.
“Why hello, Mystique,” he purred. Mystique looked up from her paperwork and smiled.
“hello 007. You’re early today.”
“I skipped breakfast. Really didn’t feel like a Macdonald’s today.”
“Macdonald’s for breakfast?”
“Well what do you eat for breakfast?”
“Men like you.”
They stood off from each other, their strong characters repelling, yet also attracting. They began to lean forward, Mystique looked up, MicroChips towards her, and all of a sudden the world went into slow-motion. For them to touch seemed to take an age and Ashman looking around the corner gazed with curiosity.
Suddenly MicroChips felt a twinge in his stomach and he clutched at his belly. Something wanted out and he cursed himself for not going earlier. He drew away from her and with a quick goodbye took off for the toilets.
After emptying himself, 007 made his way to his office and found that there were no messages for him.
“That’s odd,” he thought, “I normally have a bunch of mail for me. It’s Monday morning, after all.”
“No time at all to go cavorting with the receptionist, then,” Ashman appeared in the doorway to MicroChips’ office and dropped a wad of messages onto the desk. 007 looked up at Ashman with a wry smile and began looking through the bundle of paper.
“The one on top’s the one I need to talk to you about, 007.”
“Oh?” MicroChips picked it up and opened it. Asman continued;
“There’s been growing unrest in the other continents of a certain medical condition arising. It sprouted in Japan first, then the Americas, and a few cases have been reported just yesterday in Europe. You now how we always get things last.”
“Don’t remind me. What exactly is this condition?”
Ashman coughed. It was a touchy subject, and unless he handled it carefully he could risk getting banned from the SR forums.
“Well, it’s hard to explain…there’s no name for it as we’ve never seen it before…ummm…it only affects male members of society, basically, a, err…a shrinkage occurs.”
007 paused and thought. Ashman blushed, eager to end the uncomfortable silence, and said,
“Watch this newscast that’s soon to be broadcast on the BBC. We intercepted its transmission last night. “
They both turned to watch the screen on the wall. Ashman pressed a button and the screen flashed into life.
“Good evening, I’m Moira Stewart. Today I am once again going to drone on in this endlessly monotonous voice and read the news so that alllll storiessss sounnnnnddd the sammmmmme. –muuuuuh- Do you like my hair? I do. It reminds me of a young Geoff Capes. Anyway. Today the BBC was sent a ransom demand detailing the recent outcrop of a sexually disabilitating disease. Apparently all the men of the world will suffer from this condition, apparently incurable, until the total sum of £128.99 is paid to a mister Joe Dark.”
MicroChips gasped…Joe Dark…could it be? Ashman gave 007 a knowing look and nodded. The transmission finished and all MicroChips could think of was killing his old enemy and setting the record straight. That evil man had crossed him too many times and holding the world’s peenises to ransom was just going too far. He looked up to Ashman.
“What are we going to do?”
“Intelligence reports indicate that Joe Dark is still holed up in his Cuban fortress in, err…Cuba. You are to leave this evening, find out how he is spreading the disease, and stop it. Killing Joe Dark is a secondary objective. I don’t care what happened in the past between you and him but you mustn’t let it get in the way of you main task. Remember the future of the species relies on you. It’s only been three days now and already the wife’s asking questions-“
“What?”
“NOTHING…nothing. Slip of the tongue. Now, ahem, come with me and we’ll see what Twain’s been cooking up for you, shall we?”
The two men left 007’s office and turned left down the corridor. From the right, Mystique appeared and gazed after them. She had heard everything.
The room Ashman and MicroChips appeared into was buzzing with life. All over the place people in lab coats were prodding things, fiddling with screwdrivers and soldering irons, delving into circuit boards, and generally making all kinds of toys for 007 to play with. MicroChips loved this room. Spotting Twain, they moved over to him and noticed he was fiddling with a small, black computer.
“What’s that?” Ashman asked.
“I call it Hybrid Valves. I designed it so that 007 could take it with him. It was supposed to give him advice and help but all the answers he’s giving me so far have been so vague that they’re hardly satisfying. He needs more work.”
“When will he be ready?” MicroChips asked. Hybrid Valves answered him.
“I’ll let you know nearer the time.”
Discarding Hybrid Valves, the three moved between all the inventions and began to talk.
“Have you heard about my latest assignment Twain?”
“Sounds tricky. One of your biggest assignments so far. That’s why I’ve come up with some REALLY special stuff.”
MicroChips rubbed his hands. They stopped at a desk covered in gadgets and Twain picked up a gun nearest them.
“What’s that?” Ashman asked.
“It’s a noobinator. Very potent. Sometimes I worry about the minds of some of my colleagues. You fire it at a person and a small newbie comes out. The deadly bit is that the newbie actually speaks common sense, in full English and says relevant things.”
Ashman and MicroChips shuddered.
“Preliminary tests have caused the victim’s head to explode. The more arrogant the regular, the better. Tony_Blair’s head went off like a bomb.”
007 picked it up and felt its weight in his hands.
“It’s quite heavy.”
“It holds three newbies. So you’ve got three shots. Their blast radius is anything in earshot. So fire, and cover your ears.”
MicroChips pocketed the device and the three walked to his DB7 across the room. Twain spoke:
“Sorry we haven’t got any more for you but a few days ago our recent database entries were wiped by a sentient AI we’ve only recently been tracking. The last records we have of it are in a Cuban bank very near Joe Dark’s fortress. It knows you’re coming, 007, and its waiting for you. Whether its friend or foe we’ve yet to find out but as always we will keep you posted. You will receive further briefings as you make your way there.”
MicroChips shook hands with his two friends and jumped into his DB7. As he sped off he did not hear the clunks and bashes of Mystique being hurled around in the trunk.
CUBA
Speeding along a dry dirt track with Mystique next to him, MicroChips looked at the palm trees swaying in the breeze, the rugged orange sunset and hawking seagulls and was secretly flattered that he had a stowaway. Of course to Mystique he was showing anger and betrayal, but little did he know that Mystique was catching his inward smiles and knew what he really felt.
They were silent as Mystique remembered the look on the airport attendant’s face when she leaped out of the car. She did not regret being so foolish as to follow 007 here. She also knew of the terrible things Joe Dark had done and wanted to make sure he was punished. She also thought MicroChips looked dead sexy in that Hawaiian shirt.
Suddenly the intercom flashed into life and on the screen where the SatNav once was appeared a face. It was blurred and jagged, almost inhuman, and 007’s fears were confirmed when the voice that came out of the speaker was artificial. The sentient AI was tracking them.
“Soon you will come to a clearing. At this point turn right and then follow the road. You will go deep into the jungle and will find Joe Dark’s lair. I will be able to open the fortress doors, but only temporarily. From there you will go far into the fortress and reach the reactor core…yes…yes…”
The transmission ended and once again silence filled the car. Mystique stared at MicroChips.
“What the hell was that!?”
“That was a sentient AI that has been making itself known recently. A few days ago it hacked into MI5 intelligence and now it knows all about this mission. We have no idea what it really wants, we can’t get at it. So far all we can do is what it says.”
“MicroChips, this is getting far too complicated. I thought this was only going to be a short story.”
“Yeah well you know what these SR guys are like, they go on for hours.”
The two drove on and soon the fortress doors loomed into view. Old and rusted, Mystique even noticed a ‘Jurassic Park’ sign on top of the gates. Over the trees to the right 007 caught sight of a sunkissed beach and made a note of it. Hopefully he and Mystique would get to go there later, but his thoughts were interrupted as once again the intercom and SatNav burst into life.
“I will open these doors, but only temporarily. Past these gates you will descend a flight of stairs and turn right. From now on I will communicate with you through the communications network inside Dark’s fortress.”
The screen died again and suddenly the gates began to open. They shrieked with rust as they rose and MicroChips took Mystique and himself under the door. As they had been told, a flight of stairs descended before them and little did they know that the gates now closing behind them were the only way out. The stepped forward together and plunged into the darkness.
At the bottom of the stairs, the two found themselves in a large cavern. The metal walls were brown with erosion and the only doorway 007 could see was on the other side of the open space. Suddenly he felt a tug on his arm.
“Come on, the AI said to go this way. It’s always right.” Mystique pulled MicroChips down a corridor he hadn’t noticed and soon they had reached the end of it.
“Hang on,” Mystique said, “There’s nothing down here but toilets.”
The speakers in the ceiling above them crackled and the AI spoke.
“Ahem…sorry. Try the other way.”
After Mystique had used the toilets she and 007 went back the way they came and crossed the hallway to the other door. The other side of the doorway looked awfully dark.
“Yes…yes…the next room is the reactor core. From here you will go inside.”
The two took each other’s hand and stepped into the blackness. Immediately the lights flashed on and they found themselves in the Reactor Core. All over the walls of this vast dome were hundreds and hundreds of TV monitors, all playing. They were incessantly bright and the radiation coming off them was tangible. In the middle of the room a huge throne sat with its back to them and very, very slowly, it turned around, and the seated rascal laughed.
“So you have found me! It took you long enough…do you know how many men I have infected around the world so far? Millions! Millions of men are now terrified of urinals, tens of Millions of women are feeling frustrated and inadequate! All this for £128.99? Question the world’s sanity before you question mine!” And Joe Dark laughed again.
MicroChips screamed as Mystique held him back,
“You backstabber! Get off that chair and fight me! You think I haven’t forgotten what you did all those years ago!? I’m here to find out how you’re spreading the disease and stop it. Then I’m going to take my revenge.”
“Find out how I’m spreading the disease? You mean you haven’t worked it out yet? Look around you boy, it’s staring you in the face!”
007 tore his hatred-filled eyes away from Dark and looked around. It was only then that he noticed how all of the TV monitors were showing CCTV images from McDonalds restaurants. Suddenly it became all very clear and MicroChips’ face darkened. Mystique gasped. Joe Dark laughed.
“You see? The easiest way to spread a disease! It’s so simple, and yet no-one will ever find out. So then mister 007…how are you going to stop that? But before you answer that question, why don’t you meet my friend.”
From behind Dark’s throne a shambling figure appeared. Shivering and totally naked, MicroChips instantly recognised his old friend but recoiled as he realised that his friend 006, Stryke, had caught the horrible disease. Instead he backed away and called to him,
“Stryke, I thought you were dead!”
“I wish I was. It’s the same torture every…single…day…I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can only go to the toilet sitting down…”
“Oh, my friend, what can I do?”
Stryke looked up at him with evil intent.
“I’ll tell you what you can do. I’ve been promised the cure if I kill you. So I’m going to strangle you. No hard feelings.”
And he leapt at 007 but the spy stepped expertly aside, whipping out the noobinator from his pocket. Stryke skidded onto the floor and span around, snarling.
“What’s that?”
“I’m going to shoot a newbie at you.” MicroChips pulled the trigger and Kerrang burst out of the barrel, landing at Stryke’s feet. Stryke laughed,
“Ha! I am impervious to noobie spam, I write enough of it myself,”
But then Kerrang began to speak.
“Stryke, you obviously haven’t read any of my 299 posts totalling 15,000 words. If you did I think you’d realise that although I am a Newbie I can still make intelligent comments and sometimes even make you laugh –“
“What’s this!” Stryke wailed, “A newbie speaking like that? I can’t take it….Eurggghhhhhh –“
Stryke exploded and Mystique and MicroChips took their hands off their ears. They gasped as they realised that somehow, Joe Dark had survived. He laughed again.
“It will take more than an intelligent newbie to defeat me!”
MicroChips cocked the noobinator.
“Then how about two intelligent newbies?” He pulled the trigger in an attempt the empty the magazine but all that came out of the gun was a muffled squeak.
“What!?” 007 gasped. The newbie inside the gun was too fat to get down the barrel. From inside the gun Hercules called,
“I’m a regular for God’s sake! Why can’t anyone remember that?”
Dark rose from his throne and pulled his own pistol from his pocket.
“And now I shall kill you, just as I killed your precious friend all those years ago.”
MicroChips hung his head in shame. He had failed. Joe Dark raised the gun and took aim. His finger closed around the trigger and he slowly began to squeeze.
BANG! MicroChips jumped. Mystique screamed. Dark turned and stared at the TV monitor that had just exploded. BANG! Another one! And another! The evil mastermind gazed around as all his screens shorted out and died.
“No!” He screamed, “What is this?”
“IT IS I,” a voice boomed over communications. “THE ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE THAT HAS BEEN STALKING YOU. HAVE YOU NOT NOTICED HOW I CAME TO BEING ALL THOSE YEARS AGO? BECAUSE YOU KILLED MY PHYSICAL FORM, BUT MY BINARY CODE LIVES ON!”
“No…it can’t be…” Dark whispered.
“YES! SNUGGLY HAS RETURNED AND HE WILL HAVE HIS REVENGE! QUICK MICROCHIPS! THROW YOUR NOOBINATOR INTO THE REACTOR CORE!”
007 took his gun and hurled it into the hole underneath Dark’s throne. Joe screamed as all his plans fell around him. From underneath them a huge explosion rumbled and Snuggly now spoke calmly;
“MicroChips, Mystique, get out of here while you can! The explosion will take Dark and Myself to the other side, leave now!”
Mystique grabbed MicroChips’ hand and dragged him out of the chamber. The ceiling began to fall down in great chunks and as the explosion from below grew nearer the rumbling got louder. Joe Dark had just enough time to sit on his throne and emit a sob before the fireball reached them and he was consumed by the flames. As the heat ravaged the fortress’ circuitry, the sentient AI of Snuggly had just enough time to mutter,
“And all he wanted was a GameCube,” Before the circuit boards melted and he was gone.
THE CUBAN BEACH
“So we managed it,” Mystique breathed.
“We did. And I couldn’t have done it without you. The car’s wrecked though.”
“We don’t need the car. Not yet, anyway.”
The two figures stood facing each other on the Cuban beach. The sun was half below the horizon and the entire world was bathed in its orange glow. The two were both exhausted but happy. Joe Dark had been killed, the spirit of Snuggly had been put to rest and there was nothing left to do but kiss…
Mystique leaned towards 007 and he closed his eyes. Just as he expected her to touch him there was an almighty BANG and instantly he was covered in warm, wet goop. He opened his eyes and looked down at his blood-splattered clothes. Mystique’s headless corpse fell to the ground. Schroeder was standing over Mystique’s remains with a pistol. She spoke.
“So where did you rush off to Sunday morning? I missed you.”
And she and MicroChips ran to each other and kissed, while the spirit of Snuggly rose up into the sky over the setting sun.
THE END
Page:
KR wrote:
> bah, i thought you were going to talk about the bloke out of the new
> edition of FHM, his *penis* is half an inch long.
>
> so who from here took a picture and sent it in?
> place your bets now :D
I was actually thinking exactly the same thing..
> bah, i thought you were going to talk about the bloke out of the new
> edition of FHM, his *penis* is half an inch long.
>
> so who from here took a picture and sent it in?
> place your bets now :D
I was actually thinking exactly the same thing..
KR wrote:
> so it wasn't your picture then?
No it wasn't, thank you very much.
I have my dignity!
> so it wasn't your picture then?
No it wasn't, thank you very much.
I have my dignity!
Nice one Messiah! really good.
:)
:)
so it wasn't your picture then?
KR wrote:
> bah, i thought you were going to talk about the bloke out of the new
> edition of FHM, his *penis* is half an inch long.
>
> so who from here took a picture and sent it in?
> place your bets now :D
Yeah I saw that.
Wish I hadn't now.
lol
> bah, i thought you were going to talk about the bloke out of the new
> edition of FHM, his *penis* is half an inch long.
>
> so who from here took a picture and sent it in?
> place your bets now :D
Yeah I saw that.
Wish I hadn't now.
lol
bah, i thought you were going to talk about the bloke out of the new edition of FHM, his *penis* is half an inch long.
so who from here took a picture and sent it in?
place your bets now :D
so who from here took a picture and sent it in?
place your bets now :D
Wicked Story, didn't read it all though!!
The morning after the night before was pleasant. It was always pleasant for MicroChips. He had a way of getting out of the trouble just in the nick of time.
But of course his job required that as well. Being the most famous secret spy in the entire world, 007, meant that MicroChips had a lot of enemies, but some useful allies as well. As he drove down the slick British road in his DB7 a cheeky smile spread across his face. A hallowed golden M of Macdonalds reared up in front of him but the temptation to stop and eat was not strong enough and he skipped breakfast, continuing into the bustle of London and disappearing into the underground carpark of his offices, the MI5 building.
Walking down the coridoor to his office, MicroChips spied the receptionist and grinned again. Last night had made him cocky and he fancied his chances with this Vixen.
“Why hello, Mystique,” he purred. Mystique looked up from her paperwork and smiled.
“hello 007. You’re early today.”
“I skipped breakfast. Really didn’t feel like a Macdonald’s today.”
“Macdonald’s for breakfast?”
“Well what do you eat for breakfast?”
“Men like you.”
They stood off from each other, their strong characters repelling, yet also attracting. They began to lean forward, Mystique looked up, MicroChips towards her, and all of a sudden the world went into slow-motion. For them to touch seemed to take an age and Ashman looking around the corner gazed with curiosity.
Suddenly MicroChips felt a twinge in his stomach and he clutched at his belly. Something wanted out and he cursed himself for not going earlier. He drew away from her and with a quick goodbye took off for the toilets.
After emptying himself, 007 made his way to his office and found that there were no messages for him.
“That’s odd,” he thought, “I normally have a bunch of mail for me. It’s Monday morning, after all.”
“No time at all to go cavorting with the receptionist, then,” Ashman appeared in the doorway to MicroChips’ office and dropped a wad of messages onto the desk. 007 looked up at Ashman with a wry smile and began looking through the bundle of paper.
“The one on top’s the one I need to talk to you about, 007.”
“Oh?” MicroChips picked it up and opened it. Asman continued;
“There’s been growing unrest in the other continents of a certain medical condition arising. It sprouted in Japan first, then the Americas, and a few cases have been reported just yesterday in Europe. You now how we always get things last.”
“Don’t remind me. What exactly is this condition?”
Ashman coughed. It was a touchy subject, and unless he handled it carefully he could risk getting banned from the SR forums.
“Well, it’s hard to explain…there’s no name for it as we’ve never seen it before…ummm…it only affects male members of society, basically, a, err…a shrinkage occurs.”
007 paused and thought. Ashman blushed, eager to end the uncomfortable silence, and said,
“Watch this newscast that’s soon to be broadcast on the BBC. We intercepted its transmission last night. “
They both turned to watch the screen on the wall. Ashman pressed a button and the screen flashed into life.
“Good evening, I’m Moira Stewart. Today I am once again going to drone on in this endlessly monotonous voice and read the news so that alllll storiessss sounnnnnddd the sammmmmme. –muuuuuh- Do you like my hair? I do. It reminds me of a young Geoff Capes. Anyway. Today the BBC was sent a ransom demand detailing the recent outcrop of a sexually disabilitating disease. Apparently all the men of the world will suffer from this condition, apparently incurable, until the total sum of £128.99 is paid to a mister Joe Dark.”
MicroChips gasped…Joe Dark…could it be? Ashman gave 007 a knowing look and nodded. The transmission finished and all MicroChips could think of was killing his old enemy and setting the record straight. That evil man had crossed him too many times and holding the world’s peenises to ransom was just going too far. He looked up to Ashman.
“What are we going to do?”
“Intelligence reports indicate that Joe Dark is still holed up in his Cuban fortress in, err…Cuba. You are to leave this evening, find out how he is spreading the disease, and stop it. Killing Joe Dark is a secondary objective. I don’t care what happened in the past between you and him but you mustn’t let it get in the way of you main task. Remember the future of the species relies on you. It’s only been three days now and already the wife’s asking questions-“
“What?”
“NOTHING…nothing. Slip of the tongue. Now, ahem, come with me and we’ll see what Twain’s been cooking up for you, shall we?”
The two men left 007’s office and turned left down the corridor. From the right, Mystique appeared and gazed after them. She had heard everything.
The room Ashman and MicroChips appeared into was buzzing with life. All over the place people in lab coats were prodding things, fiddling with screwdrivers and soldering irons, delving into circuit boards, and generally making all kinds of toys for 007 to play with. MicroChips loved this room. Spotting Twain, they moved over to him and noticed he was fiddling with a small, black computer.
“What’s that?” Ashman asked.
“I call it Hybrid Valves. I designed it so that 007 could take it with him. It was supposed to give him advice and help but all the answers he’s giving me so far have been so vague that they’re hardly satisfying. He needs more work.”
“When will he be ready?” MicroChips asked. Hybrid Valves answered him.
“I’ll let you know nearer the time.”
Discarding Hybrid Valves, the three moved between all the inventions and began to talk.
“Have you heard about my latest assignment Twain?”
“Sounds tricky. One of your biggest assignments so far. That’s why I’ve come up with some REALLY special stuff.”
MicroChips rubbed his hands. They stopped at a desk covered in gadgets and Twain picked up a gun nearest them.
“What’s that?” Ashman asked.
“It’s a noobinator. Very potent. Sometimes I worry about the minds of some of my colleagues. You fire it at a person and a small newbie comes out. The deadly bit is that the newbie actually speaks common sense, in full English and says relevant things.”
Ashman and MicroChips shuddered.
“Preliminary tests have caused the victim’s head to explode. The more arrogant the regular, the better. Tony_Blair’s head went off like a bomb.”
007 picked it up and felt its weight in his hands.
“It’s quite heavy.”
“It holds three newbies. So you’ve got three shots. Their blast radius is anything in earshot. So fire, and cover your ears.”
MicroChips pocketed the device and the three walked to his DB7 across the room. Twain spoke:
“Sorry we haven’t got any more for you but a few days ago our recent database entries were wiped by a sentient AI we’ve only recently been tracking. The last records we have of it are in a Cuban bank very near Joe Dark’s fortress. It knows you’re coming, 007, and its waiting for you. Whether its friend or foe we’ve yet to find out but as always we will keep you posted. You will receive further briefings as you make your way there.”
MicroChips shook hands with his two friends and jumped into his DB7. As he sped off he did not hear the clunks and bashes of Mystique being hurled around in the trunk.
CUBA
Speeding along a dry dirt track with Mystique next to him, MicroChips looked at the palm trees swaying in the breeze, the rugged orange sunset and hawking seagulls and was secretly flattered that he had a stowaway. Of course to Mystique he was showing anger and betrayal, but little did he know that Mystique was catching his inward smiles and knew what he really felt.
They were silent as Mystique remembered the look on the airport attendant’s face when she leaped out of the car. She did not regret being so foolish as to follow 007 here. She also knew of the terrible things Joe Dark had done and wanted to make sure he was punished. She also thought MicroChips looked dead sexy in that Hawaiian shirt.
Suddenly the intercom flashed into life and on the screen where the SatNav once was appeared a face. It was blurred and jagged, almost inhuman, and 007’s fears were confirmed when the voice that came out of the speaker was artificial. The sentient AI was tracking them.
“Soon you will come to a clearing. At this point turn right and then follow the road. You will go deep into the jungle and will find Joe Dark’s lair. I will be able to open the fortress doors, but only temporarily. From there you will go far into the fortress and reach the reactor core…yes…yes…”
The transmission ended and once again silence filled the car. Mystique stared at MicroChips.
“What the hell was that!?”
“That was a sentient AI that has been making itself known recently. A few days ago it hacked into MI5 intelligence and now it knows all about this mission. We have no idea what it really wants, we can’t get at it. So far all we can do is what it says.”
“MicroChips, this is getting far too complicated. I thought this was only going to be a short story.”
“Yeah well you know what these SR guys are like, they go on for hours.”
The two drove on and soon the fortress doors loomed into view. Old and rusted, Mystique even noticed a ‘Jurassic Park’ sign on top of the gates. Over the trees to the right 007 caught sight of a sunkissed beach and made a note of it. Hopefully he and Mystique would get to go there later, but his thoughts were interrupted as once again the intercom and SatNav burst into life.
“I will open these doors, but only temporarily. Past these gates you will descend a flight of stairs and turn right. From now on I will communicate with you through the communications network inside Dark’s fortress.”
The screen died again and suddenly the gates began to open. They shrieked with rust as they rose and MicroChips took Mystique and himself under the door. As they had been told, a flight of stairs descended before them and little did they know that the gates now closing behind them were the only way out. The stepped forward together and plunged into the darkness.
At the bottom of the stairs, the two found themselves in a large cavern. The metal walls were brown with erosion and the only doorway 007 could see was on the other side of the open space. Suddenly he felt a tug on his arm.
“Come on, the AI said to go this way. It’s always right.” Mystique pulled MicroChips down a corridor he hadn’t noticed and soon they had reached the end of it.
“Hang on,” Mystique said, “There’s nothing down here but toilets.”
The speakers in the ceiling above them crackled and the AI spoke.
“Ahem…sorry. Try the other way.”
After Mystique had used the toilets she and 007 went back the way they came and crossed the hallway to the other door. The other side of the doorway looked awfully dark.
“Yes…yes…the next room is the reactor core. From here you will go inside.”
The two took each other’s hand and stepped into the blackness. Immediately the lights flashed on and they found themselves in the Reactor Core. All over the walls of this vast dome were hundreds and hundreds of TV monitors, all playing. They were incessantly bright and the radiation coming off them was tangible. In the middle of the room a huge throne sat with its back to them and very, very slowly, it turned around, and the seated rascal laughed.
“So you have found me! It took you long enough…do you know how many men I have infected around the world so far? Millions! Millions of men are now terrified of urinals, tens of Millions of women are feeling frustrated and inadequate! All this for £128.99? Question the world’s sanity before you question mine!” And Joe Dark laughed again.
MicroChips screamed as Mystique held him back,
“You backstabber! Get off that chair and fight me! You think I haven’t forgotten what you did all those years ago!? I’m here to find out how you’re spreading the disease and stop it. Then I’m going to take my revenge.”
“Find out how I’m spreading the disease? You mean you haven’t worked it out yet? Look around you boy, it’s staring you in the face!”
007 tore his hatred-filled eyes away from Dark and looked around. It was only then that he noticed how all of the TV monitors were showing CCTV images from McDonalds restaurants. Suddenly it became all very clear and MicroChips’ face darkened. Mystique gasped. Joe Dark laughed.
“You see? The easiest way to spread a disease! It’s so simple, and yet no-one will ever find out. So then mister 007…how are you going to stop that? But before you answer that question, why don’t you meet my friend.”
From behind Dark’s throne a shambling figure appeared. Shivering and totally naked, MicroChips instantly recognised his old friend but recoiled as he realised that his friend 006, Stryke, had caught the horrible disease. Instead he backed away and called to him,
“Stryke, I thought you were dead!”
“I wish I was. It’s the same torture every…single…day…I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can only go to the toilet sitting down…”
“Oh, my friend, what can I do?”
Stryke looked up at him with evil intent.
“I’ll tell you what you can do. I’ve been promised the cure if I kill you. So I’m going to strangle you. No hard feelings.”
And he leapt at 007 but the spy stepped expertly aside, whipping out the noobinator from his pocket. Stryke skidded onto the floor and span around, snarling.
“What’s that?”
“I’m going to shoot a newbie at you.” MicroChips pulled the trigger and Kerrang burst out of the barrel, landing at Stryke’s feet. Stryke laughed,
“Ha! I am impervious to noobie spam, I write enough of it myself,”
But then Kerrang began to speak.
“Stryke, you obviously haven’t read any of my 299 posts totalling 15,000 words. If you did I think you’d realise that although I am a Newbie I can still make intelligent comments and sometimes even make you laugh –“
“What’s this!” Stryke wailed, “A newbie speaking like that? I can’t take it….Eurggghhhhhh –“
Stryke exploded and Mystique and MicroChips took their hands off their ears. They gasped as they realised that somehow, Joe Dark had survived. He laughed again.
“It will take more than an intelligent newbie to defeat me!”
MicroChips cocked the noobinator.
“Then how about two intelligent newbies?” He pulled the trigger in an attempt the empty the magazine but all that came out of the gun was a muffled squeak.
“What!?” 007 gasped. The newbie inside the gun was too fat to get down the barrel. From inside the gun Hercules called,
“I’m a regular for God’s sake! Why can’t anyone remember that?”
Dark rose from his throne and pulled his own pistol from his pocket.
“And now I shall kill you, just as I killed your precious friend all those years ago.”
MicroChips hung his head in shame. He had failed. Joe Dark raised the gun and took aim. His finger closed around the trigger and he slowly began to squeeze.
BANG! MicroChips jumped. Mystique screamed. Dark turned and stared at the TV monitor that had just exploded. BANG! Another one! And another! The evil mastermind gazed around as all his screens shorted out and died.
“No!” He screamed, “What is this?”
“IT IS I,” a voice boomed over communications. “THE ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE THAT HAS BEEN STALKING YOU. HAVE YOU NOT NOTICED HOW I CAME TO BEING ALL THOSE YEARS AGO? BECAUSE YOU KILLED MY PHYSICAL FORM, BUT MY BINARY CODE LIVES ON!”
“No…it can’t be…” Dark whispered.
“YES! SNUGGLY HAS RETURNED AND HE WILL HAVE HIS REVENGE! QUICK MICROCHIPS! THROW YOUR NOOBINATOR INTO THE REACTOR CORE!”
007 took his gun and hurled it into the hole underneath Dark’s throne. Joe screamed as all his plans fell around him. From underneath them a huge explosion rumbled and Snuggly now spoke calmly;
“MicroChips, Mystique, get out of here while you can! The explosion will take Dark and Myself to the other side, leave now!”
Mystique grabbed MicroChips’ hand and dragged him out of the chamber. The ceiling began to fall down in great chunks and as the explosion from below grew nearer the rumbling got louder. Joe Dark had just enough time to sit on his throne and emit a sob before the fireball reached them and he was consumed by the flames. As the heat ravaged the fortress’ circuitry, the sentient AI of Snuggly had just enough time to mutter,
“And all he wanted was a GameCube,” Before the circuit boards melted and he was gone.
THE CUBAN BEACH
“So we managed it,” Mystique breathed.
“We did. And I couldn’t have done it without you. The car’s wrecked though.”
“We don’t need the car. Not yet, anyway.”
The two figures stood facing each other on the Cuban beach. The sun was half below the horizon and the entire world was bathed in its orange glow. The two were both exhausted but happy. Joe Dark had been killed, the spirit of Snuggly had been put to rest and there was nothing left to do but kiss…
Mystique leaned towards 007 and he closed his eyes. Just as he expected her to touch him there was an almighty BANG and instantly he was covered in warm, wet goop. He opened his eyes and looked down at his blood-splattered clothes. Mystique’s headless corpse fell to the ground. Schroeder was standing over Mystique’s remains with a pistol. She spoke.
“So where did you rush off to Sunday morning? I missed you.”
And she and MicroChips ran to each other and kissed, while the spirit of Snuggly rose up into the sky over the setting sun.
THE END
But of course his job required that as well. Being the most famous secret spy in the entire world, 007, meant that MicroChips had a lot of enemies, but some useful allies as well. As he drove down the slick British road in his DB7 a cheeky smile spread across his face. A hallowed golden M of Macdonalds reared up in front of him but the temptation to stop and eat was not strong enough and he skipped breakfast, continuing into the bustle of London and disappearing into the underground carpark of his offices, the MI5 building.
Walking down the coridoor to his office, MicroChips spied the receptionist and grinned again. Last night had made him cocky and he fancied his chances with this Vixen.
“Why hello, Mystique,” he purred. Mystique looked up from her paperwork and smiled.
“hello 007. You’re early today.”
“I skipped breakfast. Really didn’t feel like a Macdonald’s today.”
“Macdonald’s for breakfast?”
“Well what do you eat for breakfast?”
“Men like you.”
They stood off from each other, their strong characters repelling, yet also attracting. They began to lean forward, Mystique looked up, MicroChips towards her, and all of a sudden the world went into slow-motion. For them to touch seemed to take an age and Ashman looking around the corner gazed with curiosity.
Suddenly MicroChips felt a twinge in his stomach and he clutched at his belly. Something wanted out and he cursed himself for not going earlier. He drew away from her and with a quick goodbye took off for the toilets.
After emptying himself, 007 made his way to his office and found that there were no messages for him.
“That’s odd,” he thought, “I normally have a bunch of mail for me. It’s Monday morning, after all.”
“No time at all to go cavorting with the receptionist, then,” Ashman appeared in the doorway to MicroChips’ office and dropped a wad of messages onto the desk. 007 looked up at Ashman with a wry smile and began looking through the bundle of paper.
“The one on top’s the one I need to talk to you about, 007.”
“Oh?” MicroChips picked it up and opened it. Asman continued;
“There’s been growing unrest in the other continents of a certain medical condition arising. It sprouted in Japan first, then the Americas, and a few cases have been reported just yesterday in Europe. You now how we always get things last.”
“Don’t remind me. What exactly is this condition?”
Ashman coughed. It was a touchy subject, and unless he handled it carefully he could risk getting banned from the SR forums.
“Well, it’s hard to explain…there’s no name for it as we’ve never seen it before…ummm…it only affects male members of society, basically, a, err…a shrinkage occurs.”
007 paused and thought. Ashman blushed, eager to end the uncomfortable silence, and said,
“Watch this newscast that’s soon to be broadcast on the BBC. We intercepted its transmission last night. “
They both turned to watch the screen on the wall. Ashman pressed a button and the screen flashed into life.
“Good evening, I’m Moira Stewart. Today I am once again going to drone on in this endlessly monotonous voice and read the news so that alllll storiessss sounnnnnddd the sammmmmme. –muuuuuh- Do you like my hair? I do. It reminds me of a young Geoff Capes. Anyway. Today the BBC was sent a ransom demand detailing the recent outcrop of a sexually disabilitating disease. Apparently all the men of the world will suffer from this condition, apparently incurable, until the total sum of £128.99 is paid to a mister Joe Dark.”
MicroChips gasped…Joe Dark…could it be? Ashman gave 007 a knowing look and nodded. The transmission finished and all MicroChips could think of was killing his old enemy and setting the record straight. That evil man had crossed him too many times and holding the world’s peenises to ransom was just going too far. He looked up to Ashman.
“What are we going to do?”
“Intelligence reports indicate that Joe Dark is still holed up in his Cuban fortress in, err…Cuba. You are to leave this evening, find out how he is spreading the disease, and stop it. Killing Joe Dark is a secondary objective. I don’t care what happened in the past between you and him but you mustn’t let it get in the way of you main task. Remember the future of the species relies on you. It’s only been three days now and already the wife’s asking questions-“
“What?”
“NOTHING…nothing. Slip of the tongue. Now, ahem, come with me and we’ll see what Twain’s been cooking up for you, shall we?”
The two men left 007’s office and turned left down the corridor. From the right, Mystique appeared and gazed after them. She had heard everything.
The room Ashman and MicroChips appeared into was buzzing with life. All over the place people in lab coats were prodding things, fiddling with screwdrivers and soldering irons, delving into circuit boards, and generally making all kinds of toys for 007 to play with. MicroChips loved this room. Spotting Twain, they moved over to him and noticed he was fiddling with a small, black computer.
“What’s that?” Ashman asked.
“I call it Hybrid Valves. I designed it so that 007 could take it with him. It was supposed to give him advice and help but all the answers he’s giving me so far have been so vague that they’re hardly satisfying. He needs more work.”
“When will he be ready?” MicroChips asked. Hybrid Valves answered him.
“I’ll let you know nearer the time.”
Discarding Hybrid Valves, the three moved between all the inventions and began to talk.
“Have you heard about my latest assignment Twain?”
“Sounds tricky. One of your biggest assignments so far. That’s why I’ve come up with some REALLY special stuff.”
MicroChips rubbed his hands. They stopped at a desk covered in gadgets and Twain picked up a gun nearest them.
“What’s that?” Ashman asked.
“It’s a noobinator. Very potent. Sometimes I worry about the minds of some of my colleagues. You fire it at a person and a small newbie comes out. The deadly bit is that the newbie actually speaks common sense, in full English and says relevant things.”
Ashman and MicroChips shuddered.
“Preliminary tests have caused the victim’s head to explode. The more arrogant the regular, the better. Tony_Blair’s head went off like a bomb.”
007 picked it up and felt its weight in his hands.
“It’s quite heavy.”
“It holds three newbies. So you’ve got three shots. Their blast radius is anything in earshot. So fire, and cover your ears.”
MicroChips pocketed the device and the three walked to his DB7 across the room. Twain spoke:
“Sorry we haven’t got any more for you but a few days ago our recent database entries were wiped by a sentient AI we’ve only recently been tracking. The last records we have of it are in a Cuban bank very near Joe Dark’s fortress. It knows you’re coming, 007, and its waiting for you. Whether its friend or foe we’ve yet to find out but as always we will keep you posted. You will receive further briefings as you make your way there.”
MicroChips shook hands with his two friends and jumped into his DB7. As he sped off he did not hear the clunks and bashes of Mystique being hurled around in the trunk.
CUBA
Speeding along a dry dirt track with Mystique next to him, MicroChips looked at the palm trees swaying in the breeze, the rugged orange sunset and hawking seagulls and was secretly flattered that he had a stowaway. Of course to Mystique he was showing anger and betrayal, but little did he know that Mystique was catching his inward smiles and knew what he really felt.
They were silent as Mystique remembered the look on the airport attendant’s face when she leaped out of the car. She did not regret being so foolish as to follow 007 here. She also knew of the terrible things Joe Dark had done and wanted to make sure he was punished. She also thought MicroChips looked dead sexy in that Hawaiian shirt.
Suddenly the intercom flashed into life and on the screen where the SatNav once was appeared a face. It was blurred and jagged, almost inhuman, and 007’s fears were confirmed when the voice that came out of the speaker was artificial. The sentient AI was tracking them.
“Soon you will come to a clearing. At this point turn right and then follow the road. You will go deep into the jungle and will find Joe Dark’s lair. I will be able to open the fortress doors, but only temporarily. From there you will go far into the fortress and reach the reactor core…yes…yes…”
The transmission ended and once again silence filled the car. Mystique stared at MicroChips.
“What the hell was that!?”
“That was a sentient AI that has been making itself known recently. A few days ago it hacked into MI5 intelligence and now it knows all about this mission. We have no idea what it really wants, we can’t get at it. So far all we can do is what it says.”
“MicroChips, this is getting far too complicated. I thought this was only going to be a short story.”
“Yeah well you know what these SR guys are like, they go on for hours.”
The two drove on and soon the fortress doors loomed into view. Old and rusted, Mystique even noticed a ‘Jurassic Park’ sign on top of the gates. Over the trees to the right 007 caught sight of a sunkissed beach and made a note of it. Hopefully he and Mystique would get to go there later, but his thoughts were interrupted as once again the intercom and SatNav burst into life.
“I will open these doors, but only temporarily. Past these gates you will descend a flight of stairs and turn right. From now on I will communicate with you through the communications network inside Dark’s fortress.”
The screen died again and suddenly the gates began to open. They shrieked with rust as they rose and MicroChips took Mystique and himself under the door. As they had been told, a flight of stairs descended before them and little did they know that the gates now closing behind them were the only way out. The stepped forward together and plunged into the darkness.
At the bottom of the stairs, the two found themselves in a large cavern. The metal walls were brown with erosion and the only doorway 007 could see was on the other side of the open space. Suddenly he felt a tug on his arm.
“Come on, the AI said to go this way. It’s always right.” Mystique pulled MicroChips down a corridor he hadn’t noticed and soon they had reached the end of it.
“Hang on,” Mystique said, “There’s nothing down here but toilets.”
The speakers in the ceiling above them crackled and the AI spoke.
“Ahem…sorry. Try the other way.”
After Mystique had used the toilets she and 007 went back the way they came and crossed the hallway to the other door. The other side of the doorway looked awfully dark.
“Yes…yes…the next room is the reactor core. From here you will go inside.”
The two took each other’s hand and stepped into the blackness. Immediately the lights flashed on and they found themselves in the Reactor Core. All over the walls of this vast dome were hundreds and hundreds of TV monitors, all playing. They were incessantly bright and the radiation coming off them was tangible. In the middle of the room a huge throne sat with its back to them and very, very slowly, it turned around, and the seated rascal laughed.
“So you have found me! It took you long enough…do you know how many men I have infected around the world so far? Millions! Millions of men are now terrified of urinals, tens of Millions of women are feeling frustrated and inadequate! All this for £128.99? Question the world’s sanity before you question mine!” And Joe Dark laughed again.
MicroChips screamed as Mystique held him back,
“You backstabber! Get off that chair and fight me! You think I haven’t forgotten what you did all those years ago!? I’m here to find out how you’re spreading the disease and stop it. Then I’m going to take my revenge.”
“Find out how I’m spreading the disease? You mean you haven’t worked it out yet? Look around you boy, it’s staring you in the face!”
007 tore his hatred-filled eyes away from Dark and looked around. It was only then that he noticed how all of the TV monitors were showing CCTV images from McDonalds restaurants. Suddenly it became all very clear and MicroChips’ face darkened. Mystique gasped. Joe Dark laughed.
“You see? The easiest way to spread a disease! It’s so simple, and yet no-one will ever find out. So then mister 007…how are you going to stop that? But before you answer that question, why don’t you meet my friend.”
From behind Dark’s throne a shambling figure appeared. Shivering and totally naked, MicroChips instantly recognised his old friend but recoiled as he realised that his friend 006, Stryke, had caught the horrible disease. Instead he backed away and called to him,
“Stryke, I thought you were dead!”
“I wish I was. It’s the same torture every…single…day…I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can only go to the toilet sitting down…”
“Oh, my friend, what can I do?”
Stryke looked up at him with evil intent.
“I’ll tell you what you can do. I’ve been promised the cure if I kill you. So I’m going to strangle you. No hard feelings.”
And he leapt at 007 but the spy stepped expertly aside, whipping out the noobinator from his pocket. Stryke skidded onto the floor and span around, snarling.
“What’s that?”
“I’m going to shoot a newbie at you.” MicroChips pulled the trigger and Kerrang burst out of the barrel, landing at Stryke’s feet. Stryke laughed,
“Ha! I am impervious to noobie spam, I write enough of it myself,”
But then Kerrang began to speak.
“Stryke, you obviously haven’t read any of my 299 posts totalling 15,000 words. If you did I think you’d realise that although I am a Newbie I can still make intelligent comments and sometimes even make you laugh –“
“What’s this!” Stryke wailed, “A newbie speaking like that? I can’t take it….Eurggghhhhhh –“
Stryke exploded and Mystique and MicroChips took their hands off their ears. They gasped as they realised that somehow, Joe Dark had survived. He laughed again.
“It will take more than an intelligent newbie to defeat me!”
MicroChips cocked the noobinator.
“Then how about two intelligent newbies?” He pulled the trigger in an attempt the empty the magazine but all that came out of the gun was a muffled squeak.
“What!?” 007 gasped. The newbie inside the gun was too fat to get down the barrel. From inside the gun Hercules called,
“I’m a regular for God’s sake! Why can’t anyone remember that?”
Dark rose from his throne and pulled his own pistol from his pocket.
“And now I shall kill you, just as I killed your precious friend all those years ago.”
MicroChips hung his head in shame. He had failed. Joe Dark raised the gun and took aim. His finger closed around the trigger and he slowly began to squeeze.
BANG! MicroChips jumped. Mystique screamed. Dark turned and stared at the TV monitor that had just exploded. BANG! Another one! And another! The evil mastermind gazed around as all his screens shorted out and died.
“No!” He screamed, “What is this?”
“IT IS I,” a voice boomed over communications. “THE ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE THAT HAS BEEN STALKING YOU. HAVE YOU NOT NOTICED HOW I CAME TO BEING ALL THOSE YEARS AGO? BECAUSE YOU KILLED MY PHYSICAL FORM, BUT MY BINARY CODE LIVES ON!”
“No…it can’t be…” Dark whispered.
“YES! SNUGGLY HAS RETURNED AND HE WILL HAVE HIS REVENGE! QUICK MICROCHIPS! THROW YOUR NOOBINATOR INTO THE REACTOR CORE!”
007 took his gun and hurled it into the hole underneath Dark’s throne. Joe screamed as all his plans fell around him. From underneath them a huge explosion rumbled and Snuggly now spoke calmly;
“MicroChips, Mystique, get out of here while you can! The explosion will take Dark and Myself to the other side, leave now!”
Mystique grabbed MicroChips’ hand and dragged him out of the chamber. The ceiling began to fall down in great chunks and as the explosion from below grew nearer the rumbling got louder. Joe Dark had just enough time to sit on his throne and emit a sob before the fireball reached them and he was consumed by the flames. As the heat ravaged the fortress’ circuitry, the sentient AI of Snuggly had just enough time to mutter,
“And all he wanted was a GameCube,” Before the circuit boards melted and he was gone.
THE CUBAN BEACH
“So we managed it,” Mystique breathed.
“We did. And I couldn’t have done it without you. The car’s wrecked though.”
“We don’t need the car. Not yet, anyway.”
The two figures stood facing each other on the Cuban beach. The sun was half below the horizon and the entire world was bathed in its orange glow. The two were both exhausted but happy. Joe Dark had been killed, the spirit of Snuggly had been put to rest and there was nothing left to do but kiss…
Mystique leaned towards 007 and he closed his eyes. Just as he expected her to touch him there was an almighty BANG and instantly he was covered in warm, wet goop. He opened his eyes and looked down at his blood-splattered clothes. Mystique’s headless corpse fell to the ground. Schroeder was standing over Mystique’s remains with a pistol. She spoke.
“So where did you rush off to Sunday morning? I missed you.”
And she and MicroChips ran to each other and kissed, while the spirit of Snuggly rose up into the sky over the setting sun.
THE END
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