Viewing Thread:
"Jokes"

I think we all need a laugh now and again so i will post a joke in here every day or two. Tell me what you think of the joke and post one yourself if you like:

Two Hunters

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without
success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan.
They got a very authentic female moose costume and
learned the mating call of a female moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull,
then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing,
donned their costume and began to give the moose
love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came
crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, the guy in front
said, "Okay, lets get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy
in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are
we going to do!?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start
nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

The Looks of Your Wife

After completing his examination, the doctor took her
husband aside. "I don't like the looks of your wife at
all."

"Me neither, Doc." Said the husband. "But she's a good
cook and the kids seem to like her."

What's white and wiggles across a disco floor?

Come Dancing!

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.

There are two friends at a bar late one night. One holds a cat
everywhere he goes. he never wears a watch. The friend finally
asks him, "What's with the cat?" The man responds, "I use it to
tell time." As the two are leaving the bar, the second man is
pondering how this is possible. He finally asks his friend,
puzzled, "So how does it tell time?" The man gives the cat a
hard squeeze around its middle. The cat lets out a long meow,
very loud. Down the street, a woman opens her window to yell,
"What's with all the racket? It's one in the morning!!!"

Blonde Dyes Her Hair Brown


Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde
jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days
later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped
her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly
creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many
sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course."

The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason
said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably,
totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to
my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally
picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of
the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K.,
now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair
color, can I have my dog back?

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

Brought it on Yourself


"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand
up?" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one
freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?"
enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see
you standing up there all by yourself."

The Second Wife

A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"

"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We
all need companionship."

"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live
in this house?"

"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way
we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess
she would."

"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,"
the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?"

"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's
going to last along time, so I guess she would."

"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house
and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"

"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."

first it were the joke of one person talking about an elephant, then that same person talking about blow up sheep, now its just blazing anton himself oh its true its damn true

Gurning wrote:
> ive got the best joke there is its a very simple one the best joke in
> the world today is blazing anton

Very Funny Ha ha ha, not!!!!!