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Well, my spoof is done! I strongly suggest you watch Reservoir Dogs before reading this, as it will spoil some areas and sometimes will be harder to understand. It’s also my longest work yet, 4,273 words to be precise (:-D) so be warned!
Enjoy!
NB: Throughout this story, Sniper has a Sniper rifle attached to his back.
Grix: Let me tell you what Bat out of Hell is about. It’s all about a bat, who comes out of hell, and does stuff.
(The camera fades in from black and you see the notables gathered round a table at mandatare’s breakfast bar)
Goatboy: No it ain’t. (throws out 10 packs of fags for the gang) It’s just some crappy metaphor that Meat Loaf probably paid some loser thousands of bucks to invent.
Grix: Woah! Time out, don’t give me that crap (puts out cigarette). Meat Loaf is a genius, and it’s a story, that song.
Goatboy: Um, no. It’s not, Mr. Grix.
Grix: Yes it is!
Goatboy: No…
Grix: YES IT IS!!!
Notables: NO IT’S NOT!!!
(Grix looks sad and drinks some vodka to cheer himself up)
Er-no: Say guys, have any of you been listening to Allardini’s super sounds of the 90’s?
Sniper: Nah.
Grix: Nope.
RBS: No, it’s rubbish.
pb: Not that crap
Goatboy: It’s awful!
Er-no: Er, well me neither!
Ant: Well I’ve been listening to it! (Notables groan) Know what song I heard the other day?
RBS: May I suggest we leave…..
Ant: It was, er, well, I can’t remember what it was, but it was sooo cool, I don’t think I’ve heard it since, well, …… I haven’t heard it!
(Ant, Er-no and RBS discuss songs of the 90’s)
Pb: YH, what’s that you’re holding?
YH: Oh, it’s an old SR magazine. I’m trying to find out this old game’s name. Three initials, something to with cars and guns.
Grix: Then it’s probably GTA-
YH: Shut up. Let’s see, LSD, RVD, no, HSBC, nah, what could it be…….
Grix: It’s GTA, boss.
Pb: Right. That’s it. (grabs mag off YH)
YH: What the fudge are you doing?
Pb: For the past 20 seconds you’ve been babbling on about a games’ name, when we all know it’s GTA! I‘m keepin’ this mag. And next time, say f*** instead of fudge; it sounds lame.
YH: Whatever. (stands up and holds receipt) Alright fellas, I’ll take care of the bill, you guys take care of the spit, ‘cause this is a newbie bar. It’ll be a wadge apiece. (walks over to counter)
Er-no: Alright, every cough some Sally. (spits in Ash tray, and is followed by the others, accept for Ant, who stays still) Come on, Mr. Ant, cough up some spit.
Ant: Nah, I don’t spit.
Er-no: You don’t spit at newbie restaurants?
Ant: No, I don’t believe in it.
Er-no: You don’t spit!
Sniper: Do you know how bad this place is? Terrible!
Ant: Well McDonald’s isn’t particularly good, but you don’t feel the need to spit on them, do you?
Goatboy: Maybe it’s the quarter-pounders, or the fact that they don’t have ashtrays…
Er-no: But the newbies!
Ant: So? We were all newbies once.
Grix: Not me.
Pb: Me neither.
(YH returns)
YH: Wait, who didn’t cough up some spit?
Sniper: Mr. Ant.
YH: What? Why?
Sniper: He don’t believe in it-
YH: Shut up.
Ant: I’ll Explain.
Grix: Oh, jeez.
(Ant gives a 5-hour politics lecture on why he didn’t spit)
Ant: And that’s why.
(Silence)
YH: Don’t care. Cough up some spit, you cheap spammer, I paid for your breakfast.
Ant: Fine…. (Ant spits out sugar coated saliva)
(The Notables leave, and the radio is heard)
Allardini: Welcome back to Allardini’s super sounds of the 90’s. That was S Club 7 with their top hit Bring it all back! Wasn’t it great! We’ve had no callers since, er, well, we’ve had no callers all weekend, so call in and win! Here’s Whitney Houston…
(I will always love you plays as you watch the 8 notables walk out like in the intro of Reservoir Dogs)
(Screen goes black again)
Sniper: Aaagh! I’m gonna die Pb, I know it!
Pb: Relax! You’re not gonna die!
(Fade in. Sniper is holding his little finger in pain as it has been shot at by a water balloon. Pb is driving the car whilst Sniper is in the back seat, blood everywhere.
Sniper: Oh, jeez…. (breathes heavily)
Pb: Listen, I understand you’re hurt, you’re hurt real bad, but you ain’t dying! So listen up! I’m taking you over to the rendezvous, YH is gonna get you a doctor, perhaps a psychiatrist, maybe even a barber, ‘cause you need all of ‘em, and you’re gonna be ok!
(Pb parks the car, and carries a screaming Sniper into an abandoned warehouse)
(Sniper is dropped on the floor, and is sucking his finger. Pb is sitting next to him)
Sniper: Thanks for that, Pb. I was out of control, but I’ve got my senses back now.
Pb: Good.
Sniper: Phew. Aaaaaaaaghhhh!! I’m gonna die!
Pb: I’ve had enough of this.
(Pb takes out his knife, and is about to kill himself when Mr. Ant walks in.)
Ant: Was that a goddamn set-up or what?!?!?! Oh great. Mr. Sniper got hit.
Pb: Yeah, water-balloon to the pinkie.
Ant: Oh crap! What happened to, er, RBS, Goaty and Grix?
Pb: Sniper and Goaty I don’t know. Grix is dead.
Ant: (still pacing about) Dead? You sure?
Pb: Yes.
Ant: How did he die?
Pb: What do you think? (Ant stares blankly at him) He deafened to death by the noise of a Hamleys machine gun.
Ant: Great. Just Great!
(Ant and Pb walk off into restroom, leaving Sniper on the floor)
Ant: You know what Your Honour told me? He said I’d get exclusive WWF merchandise from this job! The lying idiot! (Paces around and shouts obscenities)
Pb: Calm down. Listen, I need to know if you’re cool. (Ant punches his hand on a mirror) Are you cool? (Ant does a piledriver on a chair, and pokes it when it doesn’t break despite it being inflatable and having a loose cap) I asked are you cool, Ant? (Ant chops off his hand)
Ant: Yeah, I’m cool. (He is calm)
Pb: Great. Do you want a fag?
Ant: You think I’m a smoker?
Pb: Yes.
Ant: Oh. Erm, yeah I’ll have one.
Pb: (takes out a pack of cigs) I stole these off Goatboy at breakfast. (Gives one to Ant, lights it, puts the lighter near his own but doesn’t actually light it)
Ant: Er, why didn’t you light your cigarette?
Pb: Well, I figure our situation is like the one in Reservoir Dogs, you see. And at this stage, Mr. White, like me, doesn’t actually light his own cigarette.
Ant: (takes a puff) Really? You must have watched the films millions of times to have noticed that.
Pb: I haven’t, Allardini has.
Ant: Oh, right. Wait, if this is working like Reservoir Dogs, then that means I’m gonna die!
Pb: Yeah, so?
Ant: Well, that means you’ll die too!
Pb: Point being?
Ant: I don’t wanna die! I must know if The Rock beats Booker T at WWF: The kicking on Sunday!
Pb: He does, I read the spoiler. Listen, we need to discuss what happened and what went wrong to continue the story, kapiche?
Ant: I think so…
Pb: Alright. I was in the SR shop. Everything was going great; we were getting the Gads. Then the SR workers showed up with dart guns and everything goes ape. Then Goatboy went on that water-bombing spree.
Ant: No, that’s not correct. Actually, I was just beating Vince McMahon on WWF Raw, when RBS told me that the mods were here so I ran off.
Pb: Erm, Ant, you were playing the Xbox and not concentrating; I think I know what happened and I seriously doubt you do, with the exception of the enormous black thingy called an Xbox.
Ant: Whatever. What did you do after everything effed up?
Pb: After Sniper got tagged, I drove away and came here. He’s been going nuts over his finger. What about you? How d’you get out?
Ant: What do you think? I pogo sticked my way out. The handy thing about that Hamleys Pogo stick is it’s transportation skills, I got out easily using it.
(Ant is seen on his pogo stick earlier, screaming
“Aaagh! Someone help me! This pogo stick is out of control!”
Ant falls over when unable to use the stick. He sees some mods chasing after him, so he runs away with the stick whilst he has noisemakers barely missing him thrown by them. He uses the stick to shove people out of the way. He approaches a car.
“Get the hell out of the car!”
He smashes open the window and looks confused when he sees that no one is there in the driver’s seat. He gets in and drives off.)
Pb: Right…
Ant: (Pause. Sits down on inflatable chair and takes another puff and coughs very loudly.) Can you believe that water-bombing spree that Goaty went on in the store? What a psycho.
Pb: It was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen! Can you believe that a man who calls himself a professional GAD-nicker wastes water-bombs like that? All of this is partly because of him! Now we’ll never get the Gads!
Ant: I got the Gads.
Pb: (turns around and smiles) Where?
Ant: I stashed ‘em nearby. Look, I say we get out of here, for crying out loud, this place could be a SR banning station!
Pb: Nah, I ain’t leavin’ Sniper on his own, he’s become a friend, and he might die. When YH gets here, we could leave.
Ant: Fine. (Stands up) About this Goatboy thing, I still say we were set up. But who could it have been?
Pb: I dunno. (Sighs) I swear, I must be jinxed.
Ant: What you talkin’ about?
Pb: Couple of months ago, huge GAD heist in a 4-man job. One of them was an undercover SR mod.
Ant: Woah. I gotta p***, go see how RBS is.
(The letters Mr. Pb appear on screen. Pb is shown in an office with YH)
Pb: Golden Rhino? Jeez, I haven’t seen him for 5 months.
YH: 5 months? I thought you two were a team!
Pb: Come on, that’s not important. Why d’you call me here?
YH: Job offer. 6 guys, 80 Gads. You’ll get 5 Gads each, and 10 reddies pay each. The rest I get. We’re robbin’ it on a Sunday, busiest SR day of the week. Most Gads in a week, but most attempts to get Gads, too. You in?
Pb: Yeah, ok.
(Fade back to warehouse, Mr. Pb is by Sniper on the floor and Mr. Ant has come out of the toilet)
Ant: Listen, I gotta get out of here, an- (looks at Mr. Sniper) Oh s***. Is he dead?
Pb: (checks Sniper’s heartbeat) No, he’s unconscious, but he’ll die if he doesn’t get medical attention.
Ant: Well then, unless YH turns up any second now, then we ain’t got a choice, if we’re leaving.
Pb: Well, yeah, we gotta leave, but what about him? He’s gonna die!
Ant: Well I’m very sorry about that, but some notables are lucky and some ain’t.
Pb: Yaarhgh! (The two engage in a fight after Pb attacks)
Ant: Scoop slam!
Pb: Get your hands off my balls!
(The two get out their plastic dart guns and point them at each other’s heads)
Ant: Wanna shoot me? Just try it!
Pb: I think I will!
Ant: I didn’t create this situation, you did! I’m just dealing with it! I’m trying find out who the ferret is here!
Pb: Ok. Sorry I over-reacted. (Picks up Ant)
Ant: Thanks. It’s just a confusin’ situation. For all I know you’re the ferret.
Pb: Well for all I know you’re the ferret!
Ant: Well congratulations for using your brain! It could be anyone here! Even YH! For all we know it could be him (pointing to Sniper).
Pb: Don’t you go calling him a ferret! He is a man, unlike you!
(Ant shoves Pb on the ground and the two are at gunpoint with each other again)
Ant: Start acting like a professional!
Voice: You JATs shouldn’t fight so much. Someone’s gonna get hurt.
(Ant and Pb turn around and see Mr. Goaty standing with a fluorescent green ski suit on)
Pb: Mr. Goaty! (The two stand up)
Ant: We were wondering what had happened to you!
Pb: Listen, we’ve got things to talk about.
Goatboy: Alright, let’s talk.
Pb: I think we got a ferret in the house.
Ant: I guarantee we got a ferret in the house!
Goatboy: It’s a warehouse…
YH: Shut up.
Ant: Since when was YH here?
Goatboy: He isn’t, it’s just that he’s the guy who says, “Shut up” all the time in this story.
Ant: Oh…
Pb: Listen, you psychopath! I cannot believe the amount of people you banned and the amount of water you wasted! Almost banned me! A**hole!
Goatboy: Are you gonna spam all day, little newbie, or are you gonna boost your word count?
Pb: What did you just say?!?!?!?
Goatboy: I said, (throws off ski goggles to the side) are you gonna, er, oh crap I forgot what I said, sorry. Listen, we need to stay here.
Ant: But what if this turns out to be a banning station?
Goatboy: It isn’t, I’m sure. Nice Guy Er-no phoned me, I explained what happened, and he said he’s on his way and that I need to stay put with you guys.
Pb: Ok.
Goatboy: Meanwhile, there’s something I need to show you guys, it’s so cool, and outside in my car.
Pb: What is it? Some skis to go with your suit?
Goatboy: Nah, I destroyed them already.
(The three go outside to a car. Goatboy opens the boot and the two others see an SR mod lying, handcuffed in it. They both laugh.)
Goatboy: Hey! My new snare drum is not something to make fun of!
(Pb and Ant see a snare drum in the back seat of the car)
Pb: Erm…
Ant: We thought the cool thing was this mod you took hostage.
Goatboy: That thing? No! I was talking about the cool snare drum! (Takes out the drum and attaches it to his waist. He then grabs some sticks from the inside of his ski suit and starts playing the drum not very well while listenin' to some headphones) “Everybaaaaaaadaaayya, yeee-aaaahh, rock your baaaaaddddaaayyyaaa, yeeeee-aaahhh”
Ant: *cough cough* freak! *cough cough*
Pb: Well why d’you take him hostage then!
Goatboy: Service at the ski hire took too long, so I grabbed him when he went after me with a plastic inflatable baseball bat since I was bored.
Ant: (checks mod’s wallet) Let’s see, hmm, says he’s called Hybrid Valves.
Pb: Well, I suggest that we beat him up, you never know, he might know something about the ferret…
Hybrid Valves: Oh please, I’ve only been working at SR for about a month, they don’t tell me anything. I don’t know nothing about this whole set-up. Except for the fact that one of your robbery members is working for us and the fact that it should be obvious to you that Sniper is the ferret, since he’s the one who doesn’t know anything about stealing GADS, and kept on asking you for your addresses, and if you would like to phone customer service, and he kept on defending SR so much! That’s nice, but we’re not that amazing. (Laughs out loud)
Ant: What d’you mean? (Goatboy is still drumming)
Valves: You see, this morning, I realised the amount of mistakes that Loki made when sending out Sniper to do this, such as the ones mentioned before.
Pb: Well, I suggest that we beat him up, you never know, he might know something about the ferret…
Ant: Er, weren’t you just listening to anything he just said?
Pb: Course not, that would spoil everything, wouldn’t it?
Ant: Oh yeah…. Come on, let’s get him.
(The words Mr. Goatboy appear on the screen. YH and Goatboy appear talking in the same office as earlier with Mr. Pb. Er-no walks in, hugs freaked out Goatboy and body slams him over and over again. Goatboy is lying on the floor in pain. YH asks if he wants to do a job, but Goatboy is too dead to answer. YH then says that Goatboy will get a free ski-rental voucher, and Goatboy jumps up with glee and says “Yes!!!!”)
(Dark screen)
Allardini: (a noise of a gun being cocked is heard) Hey not so close! Oh, hi viewers! I mean listeners! Listen, erm, if you call in, you er, no, I’m not giving away my liver, ow! You get my liver! Yeah! Oh Christ…
(Love me for a reason by Boyzone plays and we see Nice Guy Er-no driving his car whilst on the phone to YH’s notable assistant, Meka Dragon)
Er-no: Yeah, Goatboy’s told me what happened.
Meka Dragon: But I don’t know what’s happened!
(We see the guys in the warehouse tape valves to a chair)
Er-no: But if I told you then this spoof would be too long, it’s already around 3000 words for chrissakes!
(Ant hits the inflatable baseball bat against Valves’ head, but it bounces back and hits his own, leaving both of them screaming and with bloody noses)
Er-no: So tell my Dad what’s happened, ok?
Meka Dragon: But I don’t know what’s happ- (Er-no hangs up and drives into the warehouse)
(Back in the warehouse Er-no walks in)
Er-no: Look! Sniper is dead!
Sniper: No, but Grix is. I’m just pretending to be unconscious so that these guys don’t think I’m the ferret.
Er-no: Right. What about RBS?
Pb: We have no idea about him. But listen, you need to get a doctor for Sniper.
Er-no: Why the fun should I do that?
Pb: ‘Cause he’s dying.
Er-no: Oh, right. Didn’t anybody get the Gads?
Ant: Yeah, I stashed ‘em nearby.
Er-no: Ok. Listen, Ant and Pb, you two come and get rid of the cars outside with me, and we’ll pick up the Gads too. Goatboy, you look after these two whilst we’re gone.
Pb: Wait Er-no, you can’t leave Goatboy with these two.
Er-no: Why not?
Pb: ‘Cause he’s a drumming skier!
Er-no: And a fine one, too. Let’s go.
Pb: But I-
Er-no: I said Let’s GO!!!
(Pb, Ant and Er-no leave)
Goatboy: Alone at last!
(Goatboy jumps off the balcony on to the floor)
Goatboy: Ah! My hand!
(Valves lets out a short laugh)
Goatboy: You know what? I’m not gonna give you a load of bull. I’m gonna beat the crap out of you.
Valves: Very well then.
Goatboy: But before I start, I need to ask you a serious question. (fumbles in his pockets) Which gloves look better, red, or blue?
Valves: Red, definitely. It brings out the rage within.
Goatboy: Good. (takes out pocket radio and places it on table) You ever listened to Allardini’s super sounds of the 90’s? It’s my personal favourite.
Allardini: (croaky, weak voice) Livers gone, not much music avai (deep breathe) lable. Here’s, no not spice ga-!
(Wannabe by Spice Girls hits. Goatboy takes out a plastic knife and hits it Hybrid’s face)
Valves: Hey! That tickles!
(Goatboy looks confused and angry. He dances around like an idiot and then grabs Hybrid’s left hand, tries to cut off a finger, but to no avail)
Goatboy: (breathes heavily) You haven’t got a broken nail, have you?
Valves: Yeah, edge of right thumbnail will fall off pretty soon, hanging by a thread, actually.
Goatboy: Got you now!
(Goatboy tries to cut off the nail using the knife, but when it barely moves he just grabs it off using his hand)
Goatboy: Ha! That’ll teach ya!
Valves: Teach me what?
Goatboy: What the? (Screams frustratingly) Why aren’t you in pain?
Valves: Should I be?
Goatboy: Well, yeah considering that stuff like that makes us scream in pain!
Valves: I see.
Goatboy: (Out of breath, kneeling on floor) It really would help if you acted like us for a minute!
Valves: Sure! You should have asked earlier! (Coughs, pauses) Aaagghh!! My thumb nail! Please! No more, NO MORE!
Goatboy: Stay put… (Goatboy goes to his car, and brings out a huge bottle of Evian water, and walks back in dancing.)
Valves: No! Don’t burn me! (Goatboy pours the water all over Valves whilst he screams aloud. He gets out his lighter to drop on the water, but Sniper gets up and throws some snow in his eyes that came out of Goatboy’s shoe. Goaty screams and dies of blindness.) I can go back to normal now, right?
Sniper: Of course.
Valves: There should twits, those notable people. I think I might leave SR.
Sniper: I know what you mean. I only worked this one thing for them yet I’m already sick of it! And I nearly choked on that fake blood!
Valves: Yeah, but it was smart of them to send a notable who everyone hates to take out the other notables on a GAD heist, so you have to give them credit.
Sniper: No I don’t! They nearly got me killed!
Valves: Dude, you’re entering Notable mode.
Sniper: Oh, sorry.
(The words Mr. Sniper appear on the screen. Mr. Sniper walks into a Chinese restaurant at night, to a table with MJ Swerve there)
Sniper: Guess whose gonna kick some Notable butt?
MJ Swerve: This better not be some mother funning joke, man.
Sniper: No joke. I’m in there.
(Sniper and MJ engage in 20-minute handshake, partly consisting of little toes shaking each other. Sniper and MJ finally sit back down.)
MJ: How d’you get to the group?
Sniper: Er-no contacted me on MSN after the anonymous message Darkus sent him. He said his Dad, YH of course, wanted to meet with me abut a GAD heist offer. But I have to wait 30 goddamn minutes before YH comes online. I talked to him, and met him in a bar and saw him.
MJ: So? Are the rumours true?
Sniper: What rumours?
MJ: About his looks, dumbsas.
Sniper: Damn true. Looks just like Denise Van Houten.
MJ: I knew it all along!
(Sniper goes to take a prawn cracker from MJ but has his hand slapped.)
MJ: Listen mother funner! You try to mother funning steal another mother funning cracker from my mother funning plate and I’ll shove this mother funning chopstick up your mother funning butt, got it?
Sniper: I guess so…
MJ: (Smile comes on face) Did you use the peewee story?
Sniper: No, it sucked.
MJ: Oh. I see. Mother. Er, you get the idea.
Sniper: Yes…. Listen, MJ, I gotta run, see ya round, dude.
MJ: See ya. But don’t do anything mother funning stupid with the mother funning mother funning mother funning mother funning mother funning mother funning mother funning
Sniper: (MJ continues) Er, MJ, your going through a loop; again. (Nicks some prawn crackers and runs off)
(We see Sniper put loads of death-related odd contraptions on the inside of his leather jacket, but he realises that it has o inside pockets. So he goes on with his rifle as normal, and a plastic dart gun, just to look normal.)
(The notables are sitting on separate chairs in the warehouse, with YH standing in front of them with a blackboard, and is giving instructions on the robbery)
YH: On this job, you’ll have to call each other by your SR names, in case you get captured by them. Here they are! (Points to the people mentioned as he says their names) Mr. Grix! Mr. RBS! Mr. Sniper! Mr. Pb! Mr Goaty, and Mr. Ant!
Ant: Why do I have to be Mr. Ant?
YH: Because that’s your SR name.
Ant: But, why can’t I have a cool name, like Sheepy, or Wookie?
YH: There are guys on other jobs called Sheepy and Wookie!
Pb: So let me guess, there’s a guy on another job called Mr. FantasyMeister?
YH: No, what makes you say that?
Pb: Well, you know, since we’re all notables on jobs, and Sheepy and Wookie are notables on jobs and FantasyMeister is a Notable and-
YH: Shut up.
(We head back to the warehouse. Valves and Sniper are up, and waiting by the door, holding inflatable baseball bats. Pb, Er-no and Ant walk in, and die when hit in the head by the bats. Valves and Sniper pick up the Gads when suddenly YH storms in, and takes the Sniper rifle off Sniper.)
YH: Aha! This is a real gun! So now I can kill you for real! Some guy called Stryke who hates your guts told me an-
(Sniper hits YH with the bat)
Tony: Well done Valves! You saved the day!
(Tony walks in, holding a real gun)
Sniper: Valves? What about me?
Tony: You’re an idiot. Valves, you’ve won your first PAD, promotion a day, of course!
Valves: Thanks, but no thanks. This place is too corrupt, I quit.
Tony: Ok. (Shoots Valves) Sniper, I’ll be honest. I hate you. (Shoots Sniper)
Tony sold SR but kept the Gads, and was last seen playing them on the island of the Z-Cuboid.
THE END
I hope you found this funny, ‘cause if no one likes it then I wasted an awful lot of time writing this and not revising for exams!
Allardini.
Enjoy!
NB: Throughout this story, Sniper has a Sniper rifle attached to his back.
Grix: Let me tell you what Bat out of Hell is about. It’s all about a bat, who comes out of hell, and does stuff.
(The camera fades in from black and you see the notables gathered round a table at mandatare’s breakfast bar)
Goatboy: No it ain’t. (throws out 10 packs of fags for the gang) It’s just some crappy metaphor that Meat Loaf probably paid some loser thousands of bucks to invent.
Grix: Woah! Time out, don’t give me that crap (puts out cigarette). Meat Loaf is a genius, and it’s a story, that song.
Goatboy: Um, no. It’s not, Mr. Grix.
Grix: Yes it is!
Goatboy: No…
Grix: YES IT IS!!!
Notables: NO IT’S NOT!!!
(Grix looks sad and drinks some vodka to cheer himself up)
Er-no: Say guys, have any of you been listening to Allardini’s super sounds of the 90’s?
Sniper: Nah.
Grix: Nope.
RBS: No, it’s rubbish.
pb: Not that crap
Goatboy: It’s awful!
Er-no: Er, well me neither!
Ant: Well I’ve been listening to it! (Notables groan) Know what song I heard the other day?
RBS: May I suggest we leave…..
Ant: It was, er, well, I can’t remember what it was, but it was sooo cool, I don’t think I’ve heard it since, well, …… I haven’t heard it!
(Ant, Er-no and RBS discuss songs of the 90’s)
Pb: YH, what’s that you’re holding?
YH: Oh, it’s an old SR magazine. I’m trying to find out this old game’s name. Three initials, something to with cars and guns.
Grix: Then it’s probably GTA-
YH: Shut up. Let’s see, LSD, RVD, no, HSBC, nah, what could it be…….
Grix: It’s GTA, boss.
Pb: Right. That’s it. (grabs mag off YH)
YH: What the fudge are you doing?
Pb: For the past 20 seconds you’ve been babbling on about a games’ name, when we all know it’s GTA! I‘m keepin’ this mag. And next time, say f*** instead of fudge; it sounds lame.
YH: Whatever. (stands up and holds receipt) Alright fellas, I’ll take care of the bill, you guys take care of the spit, ‘cause this is a newbie bar. It’ll be a wadge apiece. (walks over to counter)
Er-no: Alright, every cough some Sally. (spits in Ash tray, and is followed by the others, accept for Ant, who stays still) Come on, Mr. Ant, cough up some spit.
Ant: Nah, I don’t spit.
Er-no: You don’t spit at newbie restaurants?
Ant: No, I don’t believe in it.
Er-no: You don’t spit!
Sniper: Do you know how bad this place is? Terrible!
Ant: Well McDonald’s isn’t particularly good, but you don’t feel the need to spit on them, do you?
Goatboy: Maybe it’s the quarter-pounders, or the fact that they don’t have ashtrays…
Er-no: But the newbies!
Ant: So? We were all newbies once.
Grix: Not me.
Pb: Me neither.
(YH returns)
YH: Wait, who didn’t cough up some spit?
Sniper: Mr. Ant.
YH: What? Why?
Sniper: He don’t believe in it-
YH: Shut up.
Ant: I’ll Explain.
Grix: Oh, jeez.
(Ant gives a 5-hour politics lecture on why he didn’t spit)
Ant: And that’s why.
(Silence)
YH: Don’t care. Cough up some spit, you cheap spammer, I paid for your breakfast.
Ant: Fine…. (Ant spits out sugar coated saliva)
(The Notables leave, and the radio is heard)
Allardini: Welcome back to Allardini’s super sounds of the 90’s. That was S Club 7 with their top hit Bring it all back! Wasn’t it great! We’ve had no callers since, er, well, we’ve had no callers all weekend, so call in and win! Here’s Whitney Houston…
(I will always love you plays as you watch the 8 notables walk out like in the intro of Reservoir Dogs)
(Screen goes black again)
Sniper: Aaagh! I’m gonna die Pb, I know it!
Pb: Relax! You’re not gonna die!
(Fade in. Sniper is holding his little finger in pain as it has been shot at by a water balloon. Pb is driving the car whilst Sniper is in the back seat, blood everywhere.
Sniper: Oh, jeez…. (breathes heavily)
Pb: Listen, I understand you’re hurt, you’re hurt real bad, but you ain’t dying! So listen up! I’m taking you over to the rendezvous, YH is gonna get you a doctor, perhaps a psychiatrist, maybe even a barber, ‘cause you need all of ‘em, and you’re gonna be ok!
(Pb parks the car, and carries a screaming Sniper into an abandoned warehouse)
(Sniper is dropped on the floor, and is sucking his finger. Pb is sitting next to him)
Sniper: Thanks for that, Pb. I was out of control, but I’ve got my senses back now.
Pb: Good.
Sniper: Phew. Aaaaaaaaghhhh!! I’m gonna die!
Pb: I’ve had enough of this.
(Pb takes out his knife, and is about to kill himself when Mr. Ant walks in.)
Ant: Was that a goddamn set-up or what?!?!?! Oh great. Mr. Sniper got hit.
Pb: Yeah, water-balloon to the pinkie.
Ant: Oh crap! What happened to, er, RBS, Goaty and Grix?
Pb: Sniper and Goaty I don’t know. Grix is dead.
Ant: (still pacing about) Dead? You sure?
Pb: Yes.
Ant: How did he die?
Pb: What do you think? (Ant stares blankly at him) He deafened to death by the noise of a Hamleys machine gun.
Ant: Great. Just Great!
(Ant and Pb walk off into restroom, leaving Sniper on the floor)
Ant: You know what Your Honour told me? He said I’d get exclusive WWF merchandise from this job! The lying idiot! (Paces around and shouts obscenities)
Pb: Calm down. Listen, I need to know if you’re cool. (Ant punches his hand on a mirror) Are you cool? (Ant does a piledriver on a chair, and pokes it when it doesn’t break despite it being inflatable and having a loose cap) I asked are you cool, Ant? (Ant chops off his hand)
Ant: Yeah, I’m cool. (He is calm)
Pb: Great. Do you want a fag?
Ant: You think I’m a smoker?
Pb: Yes.
Ant: Oh. Erm, yeah I’ll have one.
Pb: (takes out a pack of cigs) I stole these off Goatboy at breakfast. (Gives one to Ant, lights it, puts the lighter near his own but doesn’t actually light it)
Ant: Er, why didn’t you light your cigarette?
Pb: Well, I figure our situation is like the one in Reservoir Dogs, you see. And at this stage, Mr. White, like me, doesn’t actually light his own cigarette.
Ant: (takes a puff) Really? You must have watched the films millions of times to have noticed that.
Pb: I haven’t, Allardini has.
Ant: Oh, right. Wait, if this is working like Reservoir Dogs, then that means I’m gonna die!
Pb: Yeah, so?
Ant: Well, that means you’ll die too!
Pb: Point being?
Ant: I don’t wanna die! I must know if The Rock beats Booker T at WWF: The kicking on Sunday!
Pb: He does, I read the spoiler. Listen, we need to discuss what happened and what went wrong to continue the story, kapiche?
Ant: I think so…
Pb: Alright. I was in the SR shop. Everything was going great; we were getting the Gads. Then the SR workers showed up with dart guns and everything goes ape. Then Goatboy went on that water-bombing spree.
Ant: No, that’s not correct. Actually, I was just beating Vince McMahon on WWF Raw, when RBS told me that the mods were here so I ran off.
Pb: Erm, Ant, you were playing the Xbox and not concentrating; I think I know what happened and I seriously doubt you do, with the exception of the enormous black thingy called an Xbox.
Ant: Whatever. What did you do after everything effed up?
Pb: After Sniper got tagged, I drove away and came here. He’s been going nuts over his finger. What about you? How d’you get out?
Ant: What do you think? I pogo sticked my way out. The handy thing about that Hamleys Pogo stick is it’s transportation skills, I got out easily using it.
(Ant is seen on his pogo stick earlier, screaming
“Aaagh! Someone help me! This pogo stick is out of control!”
Ant falls over when unable to use the stick. He sees some mods chasing after him, so he runs away with the stick whilst he has noisemakers barely missing him thrown by them. He uses the stick to shove people out of the way. He approaches a car.
“Get the hell out of the car!”
He smashes open the window and looks confused when he sees that no one is there in the driver’s seat. He gets in and drives off.)
Pb: Right…
Ant: (Pause. Sits down on inflatable chair and takes another puff and coughs very loudly.) Can you believe that water-bombing spree that Goaty went on in the store? What a psycho.
Pb: It was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen! Can you believe that a man who calls himself a professional GAD-nicker wastes water-bombs like that? All of this is partly because of him! Now we’ll never get the Gads!
Ant: I got the Gads.
Pb: (turns around and smiles) Where?
Ant: I stashed ‘em nearby. Look, I say we get out of here, for crying out loud, this place could be a SR banning station!
Pb: Nah, I ain’t leavin’ Sniper on his own, he’s become a friend, and he might die. When YH gets here, we could leave.
Ant: Fine. (Stands up) About this Goatboy thing, I still say we were set up. But who could it have been?
Pb: I dunno. (Sighs) I swear, I must be jinxed.
Ant: What you talkin’ about?
Pb: Couple of months ago, huge GAD heist in a 4-man job. One of them was an undercover SR mod.
Ant: Woah. I gotta p***, go see how RBS is.
(The letters Mr. Pb appear on screen. Pb is shown in an office with YH)
Pb: Golden Rhino? Jeez, I haven’t seen him for 5 months.
YH: 5 months? I thought you two were a team!
Pb: Come on, that’s not important. Why d’you call me here?
YH: Job offer. 6 guys, 80 Gads. You’ll get 5 Gads each, and 10 reddies pay each. The rest I get. We’re robbin’ it on a Sunday, busiest SR day of the week. Most Gads in a week, but most attempts to get Gads, too. You in?
Pb: Yeah, ok.
(Fade back to warehouse, Mr. Pb is by Sniper on the floor and Mr. Ant has come out of the toilet)
Ant: Listen, I gotta get out of here, an- (looks at Mr. Sniper) Oh s***. Is he dead?
Pb: (checks Sniper’s heartbeat) No, he’s unconscious, but he’ll die if he doesn’t get medical attention.
Ant: Well then, unless YH turns up any second now, then we ain’t got a choice, if we’re leaving.
Pb: Well, yeah, we gotta leave, but what about him? He’s gonna die!
Ant: Well I’m very sorry about that, but some notables are lucky and some ain’t.
Pb: Yaarhgh! (The two engage in a fight after Pb attacks)
Ant: Scoop slam!
Pb: Get your hands off my balls!
(The two get out their plastic dart guns and point them at each other’s heads)
Ant: Wanna shoot me? Just try it!
Pb: I think I will!
Ant: I didn’t create this situation, you did! I’m just dealing with it! I’m trying find out who the ferret is here!
Pb: Ok. Sorry I over-reacted. (Picks up Ant)
Ant: Thanks. It’s just a confusin’ situation. For all I know you’re the ferret.
Pb: Well for all I know you’re the ferret!
Ant: Well congratulations for using your brain! It could be anyone here! Even YH! For all we know it could be him (pointing to Sniper).
Pb: Don’t you go calling him a ferret! He is a man, unlike you!
(Ant shoves Pb on the ground and the two are at gunpoint with each other again)
Ant: Start acting like a professional!
Voice: You JATs shouldn’t fight so much. Someone’s gonna get hurt.
(Ant and Pb turn around and see Mr. Goaty standing with a fluorescent green ski suit on)
Pb: Mr. Goaty! (The two stand up)
Ant: We were wondering what had happened to you!
Pb: Listen, we’ve got things to talk about.
Goatboy: Alright, let’s talk.
Pb: I think we got a ferret in the house.
Ant: I guarantee we got a ferret in the house!
Goatboy: It’s a warehouse…
YH: Shut up.
Ant: Since when was YH here?
Goatboy: He isn’t, it’s just that he’s the guy who says, “Shut up” all the time in this story.
Ant: Oh…
Pb: Listen, you psychopath! I cannot believe the amount of people you banned and the amount of water you wasted! Almost banned me! A**hole!
Goatboy: Are you gonna spam all day, little newbie, or are you gonna boost your word count?
Pb: What did you just say?!?!?!?
Goatboy: I said, (throws off ski goggles to the side) are you gonna, er, oh crap I forgot what I said, sorry. Listen, we need to stay here.
Ant: But what if this turns out to be a banning station?
Goatboy: It isn’t, I’m sure. Nice Guy Er-no phoned me, I explained what happened, and he said he’s on his way and that I need to stay put with you guys.
Pb: Ok.
Goatboy: Meanwhile, there’s something I need to show you guys, it’s so cool, and outside in my car.
Pb: What is it? Some skis to go with your suit?
Goatboy: Nah, I destroyed them already.
(The three go outside to a car. Goatboy opens the boot and the two others see an SR mod lying, handcuffed in it. They both laugh.)
Goatboy: Hey! My new snare drum is not something to make fun of!
(Pb and Ant see a snare drum in the back seat of the car)
Pb: Erm…
Ant: We thought the cool thing was this mod you took hostage.
Goatboy: That thing? No! I was talking about the cool snare drum! (Takes out the drum and attaches it to his waist. He then grabs some sticks from the inside of his ski suit and starts playing the drum not very well while listenin' to some headphones) “Everybaaaaaaadaaayya, yeee-aaaahh, rock your baaaaaddddaaayyyaaa, yeeeee-aaahhh”
Ant: *cough cough* freak! *cough cough*
Pb: Well why d’you take him hostage then!
Goatboy: Service at the ski hire took too long, so I grabbed him when he went after me with a plastic inflatable baseball bat since I was bored.
Ant: (checks mod’s wallet) Let’s see, hmm, says he’s called Hybrid Valves.
Pb: Well, I suggest that we beat him up, you never know, he might know something about the ferret…
Hybrid Valves: Oh please, I’ve only been working at SR for about a month, they don’t tell me anything. I don’t know nothing about this whole set-up. Except for the fact that one of your robbery members is working for us and the fact that it should be obvious to you that Sniper is the ferret, since he’s the one who doesn’t know anything about stealing GADS, and kept on asking you for your addresses, and if you would like to phone customer service, and he kept on defending SR so much! That’s nice, but we’re not that amazing. (Laughs out loud)
Ant: What d’you mean? (Goatboy is still drumming)
Valves: You see, this morning, I realised the amount of mistakes that Loki made when sending out Sniper to do this, such as the ones mentioned before.
Pb: Well, I suggest that we beat him up, you never know, he might know something about the ferret…
Ant: Er, weren’t you just listening to anything he just said?
Pb: Course not, that would spoil everything, wouldn’t it?
Ant: Oh yeah…. Come on, let’s get him.
(The words Mr. Goatboy appear on the screen. YH and Goatboy appear talking in the same office as earlier with Mr. Pb. Er-no walks in, hugs freaked out Goatboy and body slams him over and over again. Goatboy is lying on the floor in pain. YH asks if he wants to do a job, but Goatboy is too dead to answer. YH then says that Goatboy will get a free ski-rental voucher, and Goatboy jumps up with glee and says “Yes!!!!”)
(Dark screen)
Allardini: (a noise of a gun being cocked is heard) Hey not so close! Oh, hi viewers! I mean listeners! Listen, erm, if you call in, you er, no, I’m not giving away my liver, ow! You get my liver! Yeah! Oh Christ…
(Love me for a reason by Boyzone plays and we see Nice Guy Er-no driving his car whilst on the phone to YH’s notable assistant, Meka Dragon)
Er-no: Yeah, Goatboy’s told me what happened.
Meka Dragon: But I don’t know what’s happened!
(We see the guys in the warehouse tape valves to a chair)
Er-no: But if I told you then this spoof would be too long, it’s already around 3000 words for chrissakes!
(Ant hits the inflatable baseball bat against Valves’ head, but it bounces back and hits his own, leaving both of them screaming and with bloody noses)
Er-no: So tell my Dad what’s happened, ok?
Meka Dragon: But I don’t know what’s happ- (Er-no hangs up and drives into the warehouse)
(Back in the warehouse Er-no walks in)
Er-no: Look! Sniper is dead!
Sniper: No, but Grix is. I’m just pretending to be unconscious so that these guys don’t think I’m the ferret.
Er-no: Right. What about RBS?
Pb: We have no idea about him. But listen, you need to get a doctor for Sniper.
Er-no: Why the fun should I do that?
Pb: ‘Cause he’s dying.
Er-no: Oh, right. Didn’t anybody get the Gads?
Ant: Yeah, I stashed ‘em nearby.
Er-no: Ok. Listen, Ant and Pb, you two come and get rid of the cars outside with me, and we’ll pick up the Gads too. Goatboy, you look after these two whilst we’re gone.
Pb: Wait Er-no, you can’t leave Goatboy with these two.
Er-no: Why not?
Pb: ‘Cause he’s a drumming skier!
Er-no: And a fine one, too. Let’s go.
Pb: But I-
Er-no: I said Let’s GO!!!
(Pb, Ant and Er-no leave)
Goatboy: Alone at last!
(Goatboy jumps off the balcony on to the floor)
Goatboy: Ah! My hand!
(Valves lets out a short laugh)
Goatboy: You know what? I’m not gonna give you a load of bull. I’m gonna beat the crap out of you.
Valves: Very well then.
Goatboy: But before I start, I need to ask you a serious question. (fumbles in his pockets) Which gloves look better, red, or blue?
Valves: Red, definitely. It brings out the rage within.
Goatboy: Good. (takes out pocket radio and places it on table) You ever listened to Allardini’s super sounds of the 90’s? It’s my personal favourite.
Allardini: (croaky, weak voice) Livers gone, not much music avai (deep breathe) lable. Here’s, no not spice ga-!
(Wannabe by Spice Girls hits. Goatboy takes out a plastic knife and hits it Hybrid’s face)
Valves: Hey! That tickles!
(Goatboy looks confused and angry. He dances around like an idiot and then grabs Hybrid’s left hand, tries to cut off a finger, but to no avail)
Goatboy: (breathes heavily) You haven’t got a broken nail, have you?
Valves: Yeah, edge of right thumbnail will fall off pretty soon, hanging by a thread, actually.
Goatboy: Got you now!
(Goatboy tries to cut off the nail using the knife, but when it barely moves he just grabs it off using his hand)
Goatboy: Ha! That’ll teach ya!
Valves: Teach me what?
Goatboy: What the? (Screams frustratingly) Why aren’t you in pain?
Valves: Should I be?
Goatboy: Well, yeah considering that stuff like that makes us scream in pain!
Valves: I see.
Goatboy: (Out of breath, kneeling on floor) It really would help if you acted like us for a minute!
Valves: Sure! You should have asked earlier! (Coughs, pauses) Aaagghh!! My thumb nail! Please! No more, NO MORE!
Goatboy: Stay put… (Goatboy goes to his car, and brings out a huge bottle of Evian water, and walks back in dancing.)
Valves: No! Don’t burn me! (Goatboy pours the water all over Valves whilst he screams aloud. He gets out his lighter to drop on the water, but Sniper gets up and throws some snow in his eyes that came out of Goatboy’s shoe. Goaty screams and dies of blindness.) I can go back to normal now, right?
Sniper: Of course.
Valves: There should twits, those notable people. I think I might leave SR.
Sniper: I know what you mean. I only worked this one thing for them yet I’m already sick of it! And I nearly choked on that fake blood!
Valves: Yeah, but it was smart of them to send a notable who everyone hates to take out the other notables on a GAD heist, so you have to give them credit.
Sniper: No I don’t! They nearly got me killed!
Valves: Dude, you’re entering Notable mode.
Sniper: Oh, sorry.
(The words Mr. Sniper appear on the screen. Mr. Sniper walks into a Chinese restaurant at night, to a table with MJ Swerve there)
Sniper: Guess whose gonna kick some Notable butt?
MJ Swerve: This better not be some mother funning joke, man.
Sniper: No joke. I’m in there.
(Sniper and MJ engage in 20-minute handshake, partly consisting of little toes shaking each other. Sniper and MJ finally sit back down.)
MJ: How d’you get to the group?
Sniper: Er-no contacted me on MSN after the anonymous message Darkus sent him. He said his Dad, YH of course, wanted to meet with me abut a GAD heist offer. But I have to wait 30 goddamn minutes before YH comes online. I talked to him, and met him in a bar and saw him.
MJ: So? Are the rumours true?
Sniper: What rumours?
MJ: About his looks, dumbsas.
Sniper: Damn true. Looks just like Denise Van Houten.
MJ: I knew it all along!
(Sniper goes to take a prawn cracker from MJ but has his hand slapped.)
MJ: Listen mother funner! You try to mother funning steal another mother funning cracker from my mother funning plate and I’ll shove this mother funning chopstick up your mother funning butt, got it?
Sniper: I guess so…
MJ: (Smile comes on face) Did you use the peewee story?
Sniper: No, it sucked.
MJ: Oh. I see. Mother. Er, you get the idea.
Sniper: Yes…. Listen, MJ, I gotta run, see ya round, dude.
MJ: See ya. But don’t do anything mother funning stupid with the mother funning mother funning mother funning mother funning mother funning mother funning mother funning
Sniper: (MJ continues) Er, MJ, your going through a loop; again. (Nicks some prawn crackers and runs off)
(We see Sniper put loads of death-related odd contraptions on the inside of his leather jacket, but he realises that it has o inside pockets. So he goes on with his rifle as normal, and a plastic dart gun, just to look normal.)
(The notables are sitting on separate chairs in the warehouse, with YH standing in front of them with a blackboard, and is giving instructions on the robbery)
YH: On this job, you’ll have to call each other by your SR names, in case you get captured by them. Here they are! (Points to the people mentioned as he says their names) Mr. Grix! Mr. RBS! Mr. Sniper! Mr. Pb! Mr Goaty, and Mr. Ant!
Ant: Why do I have to be Mr. Ant?
YH: Because that’s your SR name.
Ant: But, why can’t I have a cool name, like Sheepy, or Wookie?
YH: There are guys on other jobs called Sheepy and Wookie!
Pb: So let me guess, there’s a guy on another job called Mr. FantasyMeister?
YH: No, what makes you say that?
Pb: Well, you know, since we’re all notables on jobs, and Sheepy and Wookie are notables on jobs and FantasyMeister is a Notable and-
YH: Shut up.
(We head back to the warehouse. Valves and Sniper are up, and waiting by the door, holding inflatable baseball bats. Pb, Er-no and Ant walk in, and die when hit in the head by the bats. Valves and Sniper pick up the Gads when suddenly YH storms in, and takes the Sniper rifle off Sniper.)
YH: Aha! This is a real gun! So now I can kill you for real! Some guy called Stryke who hates your guts told me an-
(Sniper hits YH with the bat)
Tony: Well done Valves! You saved the day!
(Tony walks in, holding a real gun)
Sniper: Valves? What about me?
Tony: You’re an idiot. Valves, you’ve won your first PAD, promotion a day, of course!
Valves: Thanks, but no thanks. This place is too corrupt, I quit.
Tony: Ok. (Shoots Valves) Sniper, I’ll be honest. I hate you. (Shoots Sniper)
Tony sold SR but kept the Gads, and was last seen playing them on the island of the Z-Cuboid.
THE END
I hope you found this funny, ‘cause if no one likes it then I wasted an awful lot of time writing this and not revising for exams!
Allardini.
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Hey. Just poppin' this to say that I'm gonna write a spoof "making of documentary" that I started recently.
The surprising bit is the fact that 3 of the 6 replies were from notables.....
Good post and congradulations on the GAD win.
Great! Didn't get a chance to reply till now, but well done on the GAD too. Well deserved!
YAY!!!!! Woohooo!
Great post, well done on GAD. Hope to see more spoofs soon :)
Congrats on the win
Am I the only one who writes spoofs which don't win???
Am I the only one who writes spoofs which don't win???
Glad to hear you like it.
Well done!
I really enjoyed that, a good read!
I really enjoyed that, a good read!
Actually, it's by Backstreet Boys. :-D
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