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"When Consoles Attack!"

Let's face it, shall we? Most things in life are potentially dangerous. When we're eating a burger, there's always the chance that we might choke on a sesame seed from the lovely, tasty sesame seed bun. When we're writing a letter, we might push too hard with the pen, making it go through the table, stabbing us in the leg or some other place. Yep, life's one big risk, ain't it? But the last thing we expect to be dangerous (apart from self-gratification), is playing console games. So, it was all the more shocking to hear that numerous people around the UK have been victim to console attacks.

Mr Snuggly, a local resident from somewhere, was victim of a vicious attack carried out by a Dreamcast just last week. Eye witnesses confirmed that he was playing on the Dreamcast (which was the fashionable thing to do with consoles at the time), when he decided to play a new game... and upon pressing the eject button and reaching to take out the current disc, he was greeted with a snarling noise and was bitten by the disc tray. When he jerked his hand away. the console was foaming and it had a look of pure evil in its' laser. Mr Snuggly is now in intensive care, being treated for a bite to the hand, rabies and, er, shock *chuckles*.

Rosalind, a resident from somewhere else, was the second person to be reported as a console victim. A quiet and (allegadly) law-abiding citizen, Rosalind has been the victim of the diabolical Game Boy Advances on more occasions. These handheld mischief makers are well-known (and wanted by police, as a result) for jumping in the trouser or shirt pocket of an unsuspecting victim and waiting for the right moment... upon which they self-destruct, kamakaze style and poor Rosalind was just the latest victim of these handheld fiends. After eating a burger (and thinking that her "luck was in", because she had successfully avoided choking on a sesame seed from the lovely, tasty sesame seed bun), Ros was about to watch Home and Away on Channel 5 (Rosalind is one of Channel 5's six viewers), and was sat watching the Home and Away omnibus edition for at least an hour... while, unknown to her, a GBA was nestled safely and snuggly within her pocket. And, after about 73 minutes of waiting, the GBA suddenly exploded in a particularly dangerous and violent manner, taking Rosalind's entire face away in the process. Rosalind is now in intensive care being treated for first degree burns, a missing face and er, shock.

Grix Thraves was the next person to be traumatised by the horrific experience that is a console attack... though this particular case is a far more disturbing and upsetting tale, not least for Grix Thraves himself. While playing on his PS2 (which was the fashionable thing to do with consoles at the time), Grix decided that a short "bog-break" was in order. So, he got up off the sofa, and went to the gents... but when he got back, he found himself secretly shocked at what position his PS2 was standing in. When he had left for the bathroom just one minute earlier, the PS2 had been in its' horizontal position... but upon returning, he had found that it was now stood upright in its' vertical position. Grix knew he was alone in the house, so this came as a moderate shock to him... but he dismissed it, presuming that he must have had the PS2 in the vertical position all along. A few hours later, Grix once again recieved a call of nature, and left the room. And, upon returning. he found that the PS2 was now in its' horizontal position. Grix was by this time extremely frightened, however, by leaving the house to go for a walk and clear his head, he soon forgot about the mysterious console incidents. That is until he entered his living room and clapped eyes on his PS2, which was floating at eye level in the centre of the room, rotating slowly in an anti-clockwise direction and emitting an eerie blue glow. When he glanced at the wall, Grix also saw the words "We will dominate" written in blood (which had practically ruined his mother's prize painting). The PS2 then suddenly stopped rotating, dropping to the floor... and Grix made the mistake of examining it. When Grix touched the PS2, it shouted "WE WILL DOMINATE!" and Grix found himself in intensive care, being treated for brain damage, severe blood loss and, er, shock.

Mystique has also been the recipient of a vicious attack. While walking along and minding her own business (for once), Mystique was attacked by an X-Box, which jumped out of a tenth storey window, landing on her... resulting in her ending up in intensive care, being treated for a fractured skull, 174 other brakes and fractures and, er, shock.

And there have been many, many more reports have people being attacked by consoles in the United Kingdom. Below are some more cases, for the less squeamish of you:


Or†ega:
- Mugged by a gang of Mega Drives, who got away with £50 in cash, some keys and a condom.

Meka Dragon:
- Mauled by a pack of vicious PlayStations, who left Meka looking like a Resident Evil reject. He didn't look so bad before... honest.

AfroJoe:
- Had his afro inconsiderately shaved right off by a mentally unstable Gamecube wielding a Gillette electric razor.

Edgy:
- Victim of a psychological attack, where his own Gamecube formed a mental bond with him and proceeded to control him, resulting in numerous murders and, er, robberies of Happy Shopper stores.
- Buried his SNES after it threatened to eat him, only to have it rise back up and eat his nose and ears while he was sleeping.

Tribute:
- Traumatised when his GBA glued itself to his hands.


Our world is already a life-threatening and, frankly, scary place to live, with danger lurking around every corner. And, with what was once a reasonably safe pastime now rising to the number one spot in The Most Dangerous Things Ever™ list, maybe it's time we all saught a safer hobby... like making daisy chains. *skips and prances off into the sunset*

Just for the record I would like to point out that i only watch half an hour of TV a week, Its not on Channel Five and it certainly isn't a soap opera *spits*.

Apart from that, I enjoyed the post, it was very funny

:D

Whitestripes wrote:
> I have evidence of your hitting me, and I'll get you for GBH :)

*

But I had a good reason. You were crying like a girl.

A ha!

Now give me your evidence and all the copies you've made of it, and we shll throw it all on a big fire.

If not, I have evidence of your hitting me, and I'll get you for GBH :)

Whitestripes wrote:
> *cries in corner*

*

You've upset him now, Starlight. Shame on you.

*slaps Starlight*

*slaps Whitestripes*

Starlight wrote:

>
> Like whatshisface said Meka has a website plus lots of When Consoles
> Attack posts, search for them on SR if you want.

Pish, you should know my name by now, I'm hurt.

*cries in corner*

Good post dude, like it.

Like whatshisface said Meka has a website plus lots of When Consoles Attack posts, search for them on SR if you want.

Still yours was good and that's what counts eh. ;)

Good, seeing as that was the general idea. :)

LOL! Brilliant stuff, Dark Mark. Made me laugh, anyway. :-D

Damn, now I shall have to hunt you down and splay you alive.

After I've hunted Tribute down first that is...

Yes you did! I have the evidence! Bwaha!