The "General Games Chat" forum, which includes Retro Game Reviews, has been archived and is now read-only. You cannot post here or create a new thread or review on this forum.
I tried this kinda idea with the Sniper being a Private Detective before... but it never took off. I bet it would though, once it gets going. Ooh, and Mouldy Cheese, I'm not "dismissing" your story, it's just, there's only a certain amount of times you can kill someone, and I really need to write again.
Normal story writers only please... don't want to mess around with piece of pap posting again, ta.
-----------------------
Ant offered Pb a cigarette. He refused.
"What's the time?" Ant said, rubbing his eyes...
"4AM, ish. You've been asleep for 6 hours, you lazy git."
Ant tried to focus on the green display of the dashboard. "Any sightings yet?"
"No, obviously. I would have woke you."
"Woah, what's up with you?"
"Missing my sleep, perhaps?" Pb answered. "It doesn't matter anyway. We're both up now, and we've missed nothing."
"I wouldn't have fell asleep so easily if you had just turned down the heater a bit... but oh, no... you've got to have it blasting away, damn pansy."
Pb went to reply, but just breathed out. "I wonder sometimes why I work with you..."
"Yeah, me too."
The two of them sat in the Ford Escort, parked behind some large crates at SR docks. They had been on a stakeout for the past two days, after one of Ant's "hunches".
It had all started a month ago, when they got a call at their newly set up office...
----------------
"Pb, and Ant?"
"Yeah." Pb replied.
Ant looked at the door, and then back at Pb. "Ant and Pb, surely?"
"No..." Pb opened the door and walked through. "Pb and Ant rolls off the tongue. Ant and Pb is a bit... jerky to say. And with "Private Detectives" at the end, it sounds better."
"Cool, red phone." Ant said.
Pb shook his head, and sat down at his desk... finally, their dream had taken off, and they were Private Detectives!...
It had all started four months ago, at a industrial plant...
-----------------
"AND STAY OUT!"
Pb and Ant landed face down in the rubbish bins outside. It wouldn't have been so bad if they hadn't just been thrown out of a needle recycling plant.
"You would think they would actually recycle the needles, instead of just throwing them out..."
"Never mind that." Pb said, picking the needles from his skin... "We've got a needle now! Let's get going!"
The search for a needle had started ten minutes ago, at the pub...
--------------
"ARGH!"
Ant shouted and cursed as Pb had spilt his pint all over him...
"Woah, sorry man."
"I spent THREE POUNDS on that pint! It's far too expensive to just... swing your arm around like that!"
Pb swinging his arm around had started 20 seconds ago, talking to a woman sitting next to him...
------------
"It's huge. HUGE... I mean, it's about THIS bi..."
"ARGH!"
Ant shouted and cursed as Pb had spilt his pint all over him...
"Woah, sorry man."
"I spent THREE POUNDS on that pint! It's far too expensive to just... swing your arm around like that!"
"Yeah... err... sorry, I was just talking to this woman here..."
Pb looked back. The woman had gone.
"Never mind."
But Ant wasn't listening... he was watching, intrigued, as the barmat began to soak up his pint completely from the bar, leaving not a trace of alcohol on the wood.
"Damnit! My pint! The barmat drank it!"
"It did?" Pb asked, leaning over... "Try squeezing it, to get all the beer out."
So Ant did... but to no avail. The barmat held it like OJ Simpson holds a story...
"We need another way of getting the beer out..." Ant said.
Pb thought.
----------
"So, can we like, borrow a needle? I mean, we'll recycle it after."
"You're drunk! Both of you!" The man in the yellow helmet said. "Barney! Throw these two guys out the back way!"
----------
"AND STAY OUT!"
Pb pulled the needles from his face. "I said lets go! We've got a needle!"
"Hang on Pb... this doesn't make sense. I mean, they're supposed to be a recycling plant, but they're throwing out needles? Why?"
"Perhaps they're broken, and can't be used again." Pb said.
"Oh." Ant replied.
They both walked back to the pub. "Hell, we'd make great detectives." Ant said.
-------------
Pb admired the dq on the door, so much, that he didn't even notice the phone ringing.
Ant stood, and answered it. "Hi! This is Ant and Pb's Detective Agency, investigating all your needs, how can we be of service?"
"What time do you close?"
"5:30PM, and we take an hour from 1 till 2 for lunch."
"Ok. I'll pop down this afternoon... I've got a case for you."
"Ok..." Ant removed the packaging from his red diary, and took out a pen. "...I think we can just about fit you in, what time, and name, sorry?"
"Err... well, about 3 o'clock, and put down Sheepy as my name."
"Ok, thank you Sheepy, look forward to doing business with you."
Ant noticed that Sheepy had already hung up.
"You're not going to say stuff like that to every customer we get?"
"Probably not, and anyway, that's our ONLY customer." Ant said. "So we'll be nice, and we might get our name passed around. Yeah?"
"Dah, alright."
Normal story writers only please... don't want to mess around with piece of pap posting again, ta.
-----------------------
Ant offered Pb a cigarette. He refused.
"What's the time?" Ant said, rubbing his eyes...
"4AM, ish. You've been asleep for 6 hours, you lazy git."
Ant tried to focus on the green display of the dashboard. "Any sightings yet?"
"No, obviously. I would have woke you."
"Woah, what's up with you?"
"Missing my sleep, perhaps?" Pb answered. "It doesn't matter anyway. We're both up now, and we've missed nothing."
"I wouldn't have fell asleep so easily if you had just turned down the heater a bit... but oh, no... you've got to have it blasting away, damn pansy."
Pb went to reply, but just breathed out. "I wonder sometimes why I work with you..."
"Yeah, me too."
The two of them sat in the Ford Escort, parked behind some large crates at SR docks. They had been on a stakeout for the past two days, after one of Ant's "hunches".
It had all started a month ago, when they got a call at their newly set up office...
----------------
"Pb, and Ant?"
"Yeah." Pb replied.
Ant looked at the door, and then back at Pb. "Ant and Pb, surely?"
"No..." Pb opened the door and walked through. "Pb and Ant rolls off the tongue. Ant and Pb is a bit... jerky to say. And with "Private Detectives" at the end, it sounds better."
"Cool, red phone." Ant said.
Pb shook his head, and sat down at his desk... finally, their dream had taken off, and they were Private Detectives!...
It had all started four months ago, at a industrial plant...
-----------------
"AND STAY OUT!"
Pb and Ant landed face down in the rubbish bins outside. It wouldn't have been so bad if they hadn't just been thrown out of a needle recycling plant.
"You would think they would actually recycle the needles, instead of just throwing them out..."
"Never mind that." Pb said, picking the needles from his skin... "We've got a needle now! Let's get going!"
The search for a needle had started ten minutes ago, at the pub...
--------------
"ARGH!"
Ant shouted and cursed as Pb had spilt his pint all over him...
"Woah, sorry man."
"I spent THREE POUNDS on that pint! It's far too expensive to just... swing your arm around like that!"
Pb swinging his arm around had started 20 seconds ago, talking to a woman sitting next to him...
------------
"It's huge. HUGE... I mean, it's about THIS bi..."
"ARGH!"
Ant shouted and cursed as Pb had spilt his pint all over him...
"Woah, sorry man."
"I spent THREE POUNDS on that pint! It's far too expensive to just... swing your arm around like that!"
"Yeah... err... sorry, I was just talking to this woman here..."
Pb looked back. The woman had gone.
"Never mind."
But Ant wasn't listening... he was watching, intrigued, as the barmat began to soak up his pint completely from the bar, leaving not a trace of alcohol on the wood.
"Damnit! My pint! The barmat drank it!"
"It did?" Pb asked, leaning over... "Try squeezing it, to get all the beer out."
So Ant did... but to no avail. The barmat held it like OJ Simpson holds a story...
"We need another way of getting the beer out..." Ant said.
Pb thought.
----------
"So, can we like, borrow a needle? I mean, we'll recycle it after."
"You're drunk! Both of you!" The man in the yellow helmet said. "Barney! Throw these two guys out the back way!"
----------
"AND STAY OUT!"
Pb pulled the needles from his face. "I said lets go! We've got a needle!"
"Hang on Pb... this doesn't make sense. I mean, they're supposed to be a recycling plant, but they're throwing out needles? Why?"
"Perhaps they're broken, and can't be used again." Pb said.
"Oh." Ant replied.
They both walked back to the pub. "Hell, we'd make great detectives." Ant said.
-------------
Pb admired the dq on the door, so much, that he didn't even notice the phone ringing.
Ant stood, and answered it. "Hi! This is Ant and Pb's Detective Agency, investigating all your needs, how can we be of service?"
"What time do you close?"
"5:30PM, and we take an hour from 1 till 2 for lunch."
"Ok. I'll pop down this afternoon... I've got a case for you."
"Ok..." Ant removed the packaging from his red diary, and took out a pen. "...I think we can just about fit you in, what time, and name, sorry?"
"Err... well, about 3 o'clock, and put down Sheepy as my name."
"Ok, thank you Sheepy, look forward to doing business with you."
Ant noticed that Sheepy had already hung up.
"You're not going to say stuff like that to every customer we get?"
"Probably not, and anyway, that's our ONLY customer." Ant said. "So we'll be nice, and we might get our name passed around. Yeah?"
"Dah, alright."
Page:
"What with FM being dead, I guess he won't be winning any more GADs, so that leaves this trail also dead" pondered pb "But are you still interested in finding out who the woman was? Or who killed FM, Mystique? We can investigate that for you!"
"At a discounted rate" Chirped Ant, again to pb's annoyance.
"You see" Continued pb "we don't have much to go on with the GAD thing, and worse still, we don't have much cash, SHEEPY won't pay us until he sees that we're getting somewhere, but we're going to need more money, so can we look into this for you?"
"I'll tell you what" Replied Mystique "I'll help you out, but you'll have to return the favour. FM had a cat, and I was particularly fond of that cat. Get it back for me. But not right now, we don't want to be at the scene of a murder when the police show up..."
------------
"We should check out Meka" Said Ant, out of the blue "He wins loads, we'll disguise oursleves again, and check out his place."
"I'm not going in that horse costume again" said pb shaking his head.
"I've got an idea" said Mystique, who was proving to be quite useful so far, "Why don't you pretend to be painters, and paint his fence, it needs a lick of paint, and you'll be able to take a good look at his place, keep an eye on who goes in."
"Excellent, so painters we shall be" said pb.
------------
"This paint's rubbish" said Ant
"It shouldn't be, it's that Ronseal stuff" replied pb, but realising that although the brush was going into the tin, and with the brush he was attempting to coat the fence, but the results where hardly impressive.
"So it does exactly what it says on the tin, does it?" asked Ant, smiling.
"I guess so, yeah, the tin says 'pretty crap really, but it'll unblock your sink' that explains it." said pb, cursing.
Luckily, so we won't have to listen to pb and Ant discussing paint anymore, a car pulled up at the gates, and spoke into the intercom. "Meka, it's Goatboy. I have some of those Nintendo's, should keep the troops happy"
The gates opened, and Goatboy's car drove in.
"Shine your shoes Guv'nor?" said a voice from behind pb and Ant, whilst they watched Goatboys car make it's way down the long drive.
They turned round to see a young boy, probably no older than 8, dressed in rags, with a dirty face, like a small Victorian orphan child.
"Um, no thanks" replied Ant, a little confused.
"You, get back in here now" shouted a deep voice, coming from a small hole in the fence.
The Victorian orphan boy winked at Ant and pb, turned, and dived into the hole.
"That was odd, very odd" said pb, scratching his head "I wonder what Grix has to say about that?"
"But where IS Grix?" asked Ant, also scratching his head.
"At a discounted rate" Chirped Ant, again to pb's annoyance.
"You see" Continued pb "we don't have much to go on with the GAD thing, and worse still, we don't have much cash, SHEEPY won't pay us until he sees that we're getting somewhere, but we're going to need more money, so can we look into this for you?"
"I'll tell you what" Replied Mystique "I'll help you out, but you'll have to return the favour. FM had a cat, and I was particularly fond of that cat. Get it back for me. But not right now, we don't want to be at the scene of a murder when the police show up..."
------------
"We should check out Meka" Said Ant, out of the blue "He wins loads, we'll disguise oursleves again, and check out his place."
"I'm not going in that horse costume again" said pb shaking his head.
"I've got an idea" said Mystique, who was proving to be quite useful so far, "Why don't you pretend to be painters, and paint his fence, it needs a lick of paint, and you'll be able to take a good look at his place, keep an eye on who goes in."
"Excellent, so painters we shall be" said pb.
------------
"This paint's rubbish" said Ant
"It shouldn't be, it's that Ronseal stuff" replied pb, but realising that although the brush was going into the tin, and with the brush he was attempting to coat the fence, but the results where hardly impressive.
"So it does exactly what it says on the tin, does it?" asked Ant, smiling.
"I guess so, yeah, the tin says 'pretty crap really, but it'll unblock your sink' that explains it." said pb, cursing.
Luckily, so we won't have to listen to pb and Ant discussing paint anymore, a car pulled up at the gates, and spoke into the intercom. "Meka, it's Goatboy. I have some of those Nintendo's, should keep the troops happy"
The gates opened, and Goatboy's car drove in.
"Shine your shoes Guv'nor?" said a voice from behind pb and Ant, whilst they watched Goatboys car make it's way down the long drive.
They turned round to see a young boy, probably no older than 8, dressed in rags, with a dirty face, like a small Victorian orphan child.
"Um, no thanks" replied Ant, a little confused.
"You, get back in here now" shouted a deep voice, coming from a small hole in the fence.
The Victorian orphan boy winked at Ant and pb, turned, and dived into the hole.
"That was odd, very odd" said pb, scratching his head "I wonder what Grix has to say about that?"
"But where IS Grix?" asked Ant, also scratching his head.
(And we'd be following the damn car anyway! We're tracking people that have been winning loads of gads, remember?)
"Grix?"
There was a *THUMP* as Grix woke up. "Ow, yeah, what?"
"Can you get your brain out of my head, please?"
"What, like I have control of him?"
(Turn left, left here.)
Pb turned the wheel left, still tailing FM.
(You've got some damn weird memories.)
"Grix, really! Please, get him out!"
"I told you, I don't have any control over him!"
"Brain?" Mystique asked, gun still pointed at the back of Ant's head. "What brain?"
"My brain's in his head." Grix said.
"What?"
"Don't try to understand, I don't myself." Grix replied.
(LOOK WHERE YOU'RE GOING!)
Pb did, and crashed into a wall. Pb smacked his face into the steering wheel, and Mystique flew through the windscreen. There was a bump from the back.
Then silence.
"My brain's back in my head now."
Ant got out of the car, and found Mystique, lying face down in a pile of glass. He picked up the gun, and turned her over.
She was the most beautiful person he'd ever seen in his life. Instead of going all pappy and describing his feelings for her, let's just say he fell in love at first sight.
FM's car rolled up the hill, Pb watched from a distance as he got from the car. He kicked open the boot, and a bruised Grix arised from it.
He watched the car, as it suddenly stopped on the hill. Pb took a pair of binoculars from his pocket, from his "Becoming a Private Eye Weekly" free gift, and watched what went on.
The woman left the car... but... something was stopping him from going any further. As if there was...
Two men appeared from the bushes on either side, carrying machine guns.
They let rip into the car, before running off, with the woman running with them. A jeep appeared, and they drove off in it.
--------------
Pb stopped the car, and looked inside. FM was dead.
"Now, hang on." Grix said. "You said that the normal story people can't die."
"Yeah, I said that, didn't I." Pb said, checking inside the car... there was another note. This time, in English.
"It breaks the silence."
Ant sat next to Mystique, watching what was happening from afar.
"Grix?"
There was a *THUMP* as Grix woke up. "Ow, yeah, what?"
"Can you get your brain out of my head, please?"
"What, like I have control of him?"
(Turn left, left here.)
Pb turned the wheel left, still tailing FM.
(You've got some damn weird memories.)
"Grix, really! Please, get him out!"
"I told you, I don't have any control over him!"
"Brain?" Mystique asked, gun still pointed at the back of Ant's head. "What brain?"
"My brain's in his head." Grix said.
"What?"
"Don't try to understand, I don't myself." Grix replied.
(LOOK WHERE YOU'RE GOING!)
Pb did, and crashed into a wall. Pb smacked his face into the steering wheel, and Mystique flew through the windscreen. There was a bump from the back.
Then silence.
"My brain's back in my head now."
Ant got out of the car, and found Mystique, lying face down in a pile of glass. He picked up the gun, and turned her over.
She was the most beautiful person he'd ever seen in his life. Instead of going all pappy and describing his feelings for her, let's just say he fell in love at first sight.
FM's car rolled up the hill, Pb watched from a distance as he got from the car. He kicked open the boot, and a bruised Grix arised from it.
He watched the car, as it suddenly stopped on the hill. Pb took a pair of binoculars from his pocket, from his "Becoming a Private Eye Weekly" free gift, and watched what went on.
The woman left the car... but... something was stopping him from going any further. As if there was...
Two men appeared from the bushes on either side, carrying machine guns.
They let rip into the car, before running off, with the woman running with them. A jeep appeared, and they drove off in it.
--------------
Pb stopped the car, and looked inside. FM was dead.
"Now, hang on." Grix said. "You said that the normal story people can't die."
"Yeah, I said that, didn't I." Pb said, checking inside the car... there was another note. This time, in English.
"It breaks the silence."
Ant sat next to Mystique, watching what was happening from afar.
Ant had gone rather red. Unfortunately it always seemed to happen around female company, but he had to concentrate on the case, and try to make some progress. SHEEPY would want to see some progress if he was going to continue to pay for the investigation.
"So Mystique, do you like.... stuff?" he said.
"Damn", he though, he couldn't even bring himslef to speak to her. Maybe pb would ask her some more useful questions, he hoped, and nudged pb, as if to prompt him. "At that very same moment in time, pb had opened his mouth to speak.
"So why do yuo work in Tesco's, if you own a umpphhh" pb looked at Ant, annoyed, having been jabbed in the ribs mid sentence, made to look like a right fool.
Worse still the car wouldn't slip very easily into second gear, and it made an awful grating sound.
"I'm usually a much better driver, you know" said pb, looking around and smiling.
Unfortunately, as he looked around, he didn't see the blue Volvo estate pulling out in front of him.
"Look out" cried Ant, as he reached out to turn the steering wheel. pb slammed the breaks on, and the car narrowly missed the Volvo. It didn't however, miss the wall that Ant had made them steer into.
"Hey, that's FantasyMeisters Volvo!" Said Mystique, happily. "But who was sitting in the passenger seat? Looked like another woman."
"Would you like us to investigate?" Asked Pb
"At a discounted rate, of course" Added Ant, blushing.
pb slapped his forehead, she was loaded, why the hell offer a discount rate?
Grix too had his head in his hands, but for quite another reason. Colliding with the wall had again forced his head to knock hard on the loose jack in the boot, and he'd been picking his nose at the time.
It sure was a huge bogey on the end of his finger though.
"So Mystique, do you like.... stuff?" he said.
"Damn", he though, he couldn't even bring himslef to speak to her. Maybe pb would ask her some more useful questions, he hoped, and nudged pb, as if to prompt him. "At that very same moment in time, pb had opened his mouth to speak.
"So why do yuo work in Tesco's, if you own a umpphhh" pb looked at Ant, annoyed, having been jabbed in the ribs mid sentence, made to look like a right fool.
Worse still the car wouldn't slip very easily into second gear, and it made an awful grating sound.
"I'm usually a much better driver, you know" said pb, looking around and smiling.
Unfortunately, as he looked around, he didn't see the blue Volvo estate pulling out in front of him.
"Look out" cried Ant, as he reached out to turn the steering wheel. pb slammed the breaks on, and the car narrowly missed the Volvo. It didn't however, miss the wall that Ant had made them steer into.
"Hey, that's FantasyMeisters Volvo!" Said Mystique, happily. "But who was sitting in the passenger seat? Looked like another woman."
"Would you like us to investigate?" Asked Pb
"At a discounted rate, of course" Added Ant, blushing.
pb slapped his forehead, she was loaded, why the hell offer a discount rate?
Grix too had his head in his hands, but for quite another reason. Colliding with the wall had again forced his head to knock hard on the loose jack in the boot, and he'd been picking his nose at the time.
It sure was a huge bogey on the end of his finger though.
"I wonder why Mystique works in Tesco when she owns a villa." Pb said.
"Sounds like a nice case of imagination without skill, Ant."
Pb walked towards a spotty kid, stacking shelves.
"Excuse me, we're looking for Mystique."
"Yeah, aren't we all. She was supposed to be in, two hours ago!"
---------
*BAM, BAM, BAM*
"HELLO! IS THERE ANYONE THERE?"
"Sorry Grix, we're in a hurry." Pb said, as he got back into the car. "Cross your legs, or something."
"I'M TRYING."
"Hey Grix, you know you said Mystique lived in a villa at the top of a hill... which hill, exactly?"
"It's number 2, Mount Nice."
"Mount Nice?... she must be rich to live there."
"Hense the villa, again, and why the hell does she work in Tescos?"
---------------
"LOOK GUYS, THIS IS GETTING A BIT SERIOUS."
"Shush."
Police had surrounded number 2 of Mount Nice. Blue lights were illuminating the villa, which actually looked... err... great.
Policemen and women were inside the villa... and it looked like Mystique wasn't there.
Pb and Ant looked straight up at the house... and a car went into the back of them. The police turned, and saw what was going on. Ant and Pb smacked their heads on the dashboard. Grix called out in pain, and asked what the hell was going on.
And suddenly, the back door of the smashed in Ford Escort swung open and closed. Ant felt a gun point at the back of his head. He looked straight ahead.
"You, drive, or your friend gets it." She said.
"Hey, lady. You don't need a gun to tell me where to go."
"Nice, real nice." She said.
"GUYS! I CAN'T HOLD IT ANY LONGER!"
The woman looked instinctly at the boot, and then back again, to watch Ant.
"Who the hell's that? You've kidnapped someone?"
"Yeah. That's your stalker."
"That's HIM?" She looked back again, and forward once more. "It's not Stryke, is it?"
"Stryke? Hell no." Pb said.
"Then who?"
"Grix Thraves."
"Who?"
"GUYS! PLEASE! PULL OVER!"
"Don't mind me lady, he needs the toilet. He won't be long."
"Alright... but don't call me lady."
"No problem dollface." Pb pulled over to the side of the road, got out, and tried to open the boot. And tried again.
"Err... it looks like Mystique kinda broke our boot Grix."
"WHAT? Mystique? Where is she, the cow!"
"Cow? I thought you were stalking her?"
"Hell no! I want her dead!"
Pb looked at Mystique, who still had her gun stuck into the back of Ant's head. Pb tried to open the boot again.
"I really think you're stuck in there Grix. I can't get you out."
Pb had another go at opening it... and then just kicked it. The boot swung open, Grix jumped out, and ran for the bushes.
Pb went back and sat in the car.
"Now, I'm a little confused here." He started. "You're running from the police, yes?"
"Right."
"Why?"
"They were at my house. That's good enough reason, surely?"
"Might have been routine."
"Not when it's the entire force."
Pb couldn't help but feel she was hiding something.
"The police were at your house because we stole your boat, by the way. They think you murdered mattyboy, because we found a body and kinda made a runner when the cops arrived. We're in trouble enough as it is. Sorry about that."
"Oh. Right. No problem." Mystique said, and looked out of the window. "Hey, what's Pb doing with you?"
"Who?" Pb looked to his left, and saw Grix peeing in the bushes.
----------
"Why my name?"
"She couldn't track me if I got her pregnant." Grix said, quoting a great line from a great film, Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid, which you all must see.
"And if she tracked me down, she would find me, who obviously, is not you. Fair enough... but why do you want her dead?"
"She had an affair while we were together... I forget his name. Fentisymister, or something."
Pb scratched his head and walked away. "Get in the boot Grix."
----------
Pb sat back down with Mystique still pointing the gun at the back of Ant's head.
"Damn this is aching. My neck feels like there's a little man in my windpipe playing the trumpet really damn loud."
"Shut up." Mystique said. "Are we all set?"
"Yes, quite." Pb started the car.
So, Pb thought to himself, in summary. There's a rich woman named Mystique who works in Tesco in the back of their stolen Ford Escort. She's on the run from the law, even though she's obviously innocent of the only crime they know about. Meanwhile, Grix, who posed as Pb so he couldn't be tracked, has slept with Mystique, but now wants to kill her, because she slept with Fantasymeister when they were going out. Even though he lied to her. Quite a bit.
Pb scratched his head and put the car into first gear.
"Sounds like a nice case of imagination without skill, Ant."
Pb walked towards a spotty kid, stacking shelves.
"Excuse me, we're looking for Mystique."
"Yeah, aren't we all. She was supposed to be in, two hours ago!"
---------
*BAM, BAM, BAM*
"HELLO! IS THERE ANYONE THERE?"
"Sorry Grix, we're in a hurry." Pb said, as he got back into the car. "Cross your legs, or something."
"I'M TRYING."
"Hey Grix, you know you said Mystique lived in a villa at the top of a hill... which hill, exactly?"
"It's number 2, Mount Nice."
"Mount Nice?... she must be rich to live there."
"Hense the villa, again, and why the hell does she work in Tescos?"
---------------
"LOOK GUYS, THIS IS GETTING A BIT SERIOUS."
"Shush."
Police had surrounded number 2 of Mount Nice. Blue lights were illuminating the villa, which actually looked... err... great.
Policemen and women were inside the villa... and it looked like Mystique wasn't there.
Pb and Ant looked straight up at the house... and a car went into the back of them. The police turned, and saw what was going on. Ant and Pb smacked their heads on the dashboard. Grix called out in pain, and asked what the hell was going on.
And suddenly, the back door of the smashed in Ford Escort swung open and closed. Ant felt a gun point at the back of his head. He looked straight ahead.
"You, drive, or your friend gets it." She said.
"Hey, lady. You don't need a gun to tell me where to go."
"Nice, real nice." She said.
"GUYS! I CAN'T HOLD IT ANY LONGER!"
The woman looked instinctly at the boot, and then back again, to watch Ant.
"Who the hell's that? You've kidnapped someone?"
"Yeah. That's your stalker."
"That's HIM?" She looked back again, and forward once more. "It's not Stryke, is it?"
"Stryke? Hell no." Pb said.
"Then who?"
"Grix Thraves."
"Who?"
"GUYS! PLEASE! PULL OVER!"
"Don't mind me lady, he needs the toilet. He won't be long."
"Alright... but don't call me lady."
"No problem dollface." Pb pulled over to the side of the road, got out, and tried to open the boot. And tried again.
"Err... it looks like Mystique kinda broke our boot Grix."
"WHAT? Mystique? Where is she, the cow!"
"Cow? I thought you were stalking her?"
"Hell no! I want her dead!"
Pb looked at Mystique, who still had her gun stuck into the back of Ant's head. Pb tried to open the boot again.
"I really think you're stuck in there Grix. I can't get you out."
Pb had another go at opening it... and then just kicked it. The boot swung open, Grix jumped out, and ran for the bushes.
Pb went back and sat in the car.
"Now, I'm a little confused here." He started. "You're running from the police, yes?"
"Right."
"Why?"
"They were at my house. That's good enough reason, surely?"
"Might have been routine."
"Not when it's the entire force."
Pb couldn't help but feel she was hiding something.
"The police were at your house because we stole your boat, by the way. They think you murdered mattyboy, because we found a body and kinda made a runner when the cops arrived. We're in trouble enough as it is. Sorry about that."
"Oh. Right. No problem." Mystique said, and looked out of the window. "Hey, what's Pb doing with you?"
"Who?" Pb looked to his left, and saw Grix peeing in the bushes.
----------
"Why my name?"
"She couldn't track me if I got her pregnant." Grix said, quoting a great line from a great film, Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid, which you all must see.
"And if she tracked me down, she would find me, who obviously, is not you. Fair enough... but why do you want her dead?"
"She had an affair while we were together... I forget his name. Fentisymister, or something."
Pb scratched his head and walked away. "Get in the boot Grix."
----------
Pb sat back down with Mystique still pointing the gun at the back of Ant's head.
"Damn this is aching. My neck feels like there's a little man in my windpipe playing the trumpet really damn loud."
"Shut up." Mystique said. "Are we all set?"
"Yes, quite." Pb started the car.
So, Pb thought to himself, in summary. There's a rich woman named Mystique who works in Tesco in the back of their stolen Ford Escort. She's on the run from the law, even though she's obviously innocent of the only crime they know about. Meanwhile, Grix, who posed as Pb so he couldn't be tracked, has slept with Mystique, but now wants to kill her, because she slept with Fantasymeister when they were going out. Even though he lied to her. Quite a bit.
Pb scratched his head and put the car into first gear.
"Bahha!"
Pb and Ant grabbed Grix, and pulled him aboard.
"What is it?" Pb said, reaching down to what Grix had recovered from mattyboy's pockets.
"It's... a note. I don't understand it."
Pb read it aloud.
"Il embrasse mon visage."
"That's French." Ant said. "It means "It embraces my face."
"You did French?"
"Not for long. That's the only phrase I bothered to learn. Coincidence, huh?"
"Indeed." Pb pocketed the note. "So, we have a note written in french... which sounds like it's part of some sort of riddle."
"Possibly. Whenever there's a detective story, you always have the bad guys leaving clues around."
"Guys?" Grix said, interupting them. "Can we get going? I don't really like the water."
"Of course. There's nothing left for us here, anyway."
Pb started the engine back up, and the body popped back under the boat.
And suddenly, a huge light focused on them.
"YOU THERE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"
Pb looked directly at the light, and blinded himself. He swore, loudly. "Turn the damn light off!"
Pb's vision came back, and saw that it was a police boat.
"Crap... err... full throttle, eh Pb?" Ant said.
Pb complied, and the boat sped away... thankfully, the darkness covered them enough for their escape.
Unfortunatly, though, mattyboy popped back out of the water. And the police saw.
-------------
Pb threw the keys overboard, and climbed out of the boat and onto the harbour.
"Out of interest, whose boat was it?" Pb asked Grix.
"Mystique's. The owner of the villa at the top of the hill."
Ant and Pb gazed blankly at him.
"Works in Tescos, Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays."
They continued to stare.
"Don't know her then?"
"How do you know what days she works?" Pb asked.
"I got you the keys, didn't I? Leave me alone." Grix said. "Can I go now?"
"No." Ant said. "We might need you again. You can sleep in the boot."
Grix sighed, and was moved towards the boot of the smashed up Ford Escort.
"What if I need the toilet?"
"Knock three times." Pb said
--------------
SATURDAY MORNING - 11:01AM
--------------
*BAM, BAM, BAM*
"Looks like Grix needs the toilet." Ant said.
"Yup." Pb said.
Pb stopped the car, and turned off the engine. They both got out, and went into Tescos.
Pb and Ant grabbed Grix, and pulled him aboard.
"What is it?" Pb said, reaching down to what Grix had recovered from mattyboy's pockets.
"It's... a note. I don't understand it."
Pb read it aloud.
"Il embrasse mon visage."
"That's French." Ant said. "It means "It embraces my face."
"You did French?"
"Not for long. That's the only phrase I bothered to learn. Coincidence, huh?"
"Indeed." Pb pocketed the note. "So, we have a note written in french... which sounds like it's part of some sort of riddle."
"Possibly. Whenever there's a detective story, you always have the bad guys leaving clues around."
"Guys?" Grix said, interupting them. "Can we get going? I don't really like the water."
"Of course. There's nothing left for us here, anyway."
Pb started the engine back up, and the body popped back under the boat.
And suddenly, a huge light focused on them.
"YOU THERE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"
Pb looked directly at the light, and blinded himself. He swore, loudly. "Turn the damn light off!"
Pb's vision came back, and saw that it was a police boat.
"Crap... err... full throttle, eh Pb?" Ant said.
Pb complied, and the boat sped away... thankfully, the darkness covered them enough for their escape.
Unfortunatly, though, mattyboy popped back out of the water. And the police saw.
-------------
Pb threw the keys overboard, and climbed out of the boat and onto the harbour.
"Out of interest, whose boat was it?" Pb asked Grix.
"Mystique's. The owner of the villa at the top of the hill."
Ant and Pb gazed blankly at him.
"Works in Tescos, Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays."
They continued to stare.
"Don't know her then?"
"How do you know what days she works?" Pb asked.
"I got you the keys, didn't I? Leave me alone." Grix said. "Can I go now?"
"No." Ant said. "We might need you again. You can sleep in the boot."
Grix sighed, and was moved towards the boot of the smashed up Ford Escort.
"What if I need the toilet?"
"Knock three times." Pb said
--------------
SATURDAY MORNING - 11:01AM
--------------
*BAM, BAM, BAM*
"Looks like Grix needs the toilet." Ant said.
"Yup." Pb said.
Pb stopped the car, and turned off the engine. They both got out, and went into Tescos.
"We need a boat. You need your penis. I think we have a deal."
-----------------
Grix turned up later with a bunch of keys. He didn't know which boat they belonged to, but he had to "sleep with a few people to get them, so be thankful."
"A few *people*?" Ant asked.
"Yes." Grix replied.
-----------------
"This is the captain of the ship, we're moving! Parp!" Pb switched on the engine, and switched on the lights... it was hard to see, it was a pitch black Friday night.
"Shut up Pb."
"No. I'm the captain, you do as I say or you walk the plank!"
Pb messed around with the controls, and the boat flew forward. It had taken long enough trying to find which damn boat the key had fitted, they didn't really want to crash it and have to get another one.
"You alright back there, Grix?"
"I can't swim!"
"Good."
Pb and Ant powerboated out to the ocean... to see what they could find.
-----------
"Perhaps they all meet on one boat out here. That would make most sense." Ant said, shining the torch over the side of the boat.
"You're probably right... but we'd have to wait until next damn Friday before we could do anything... we've got to at least see what we can find here first..."
Ant shone the torch a bit, and found something worth finding.
"What the hell's that?"
"From the amount of clothes it's wearing, I would expect it to be a person. From the way it's facing, I would expect it's dead."
Pb pulled the boat close, and the body got sucked under the boat.
"Crap."
He turned off the engine... and the body *plopped* back up to the surface.
The dead face of Mattyboy grinned up at them.
"He must have been happy when he died." Ant said.
"Either that or he died a very... odd way."
Grix pulled himself on board, and undid the rope.
"Ah, hello Grix. Mattyboy's dead."
"Who's he? He's not in the stories."
"We can't kill any of the people in the stories. They might be useful later."
"Oh." Grix finished untying the rope from his legs. "Shouldn't you get him on board, or something?"
"We would..." Pb said.
"...but we're unlicensed." Ant finished.
"So you're just going to leave him there?"
"Yup. He's helped us all he's going to."
Grix frowned. "But what if he's got something of use in his pockets?"
"Good point." Pb pushed Grix, and he fell over backwards and back into the water.
"Search him for us, would you?" Ant said, and Grix flailed his arms and legs as he made for the dead man's pockets.
-----------------
Grix turned up later with a bunch of keys. He didn't know which boat they belonged to, but he had to "sleep with a few people to get them, so be thankful."
"A few *people*?" Ant asked.
"Yes." Grix replied.
-----------------
"This is the captain of the ship, we're moving! Parp!" Pb switched on the engine, and switched on the lights... it was hard to see, it was a pitch black Friday night.
"Shut up Pb."
"No. I'm the captain, you do as I say or you walk the plank!"
Pb messed around with the controls, and the boat flew forward. It had taken long enough trying to find which damn boat the key had fitted, they didn't really want to crash it and have to get another one.
"You alright back there, Grix?"
"I can't swim!"
"Good."
Pb and Ant powerboated out to the ocean... to see what they could find.
-----------
"Perhaps they all meet on one boat out here. That would make most sense." Ant said, shining the torch over the side of the boat.
"You're probably right... but we'd have to wait until next damn Friday before we could do anything... we've got to at least see what we can find here first..."
Ant shone the torch a bit, and found something worth finding.
"What the hell's that?"
"From the amount of clothes it's wearing, I would expect it to be a person. From the way it's facing, I would expect it's dead."
Pb pulled the boat close, and the body got sucked under the boat.
"Crap."
He turned off the engine... and the body *plopped* back up to the surface.
The dead face of Mattyboy grinned up at them.
"He must have been happy when he died." Ant said.
"Either that or he died a very... odd way."
Grix pulled himself on board, and undid the rope.
"Ah, hello Grix. Mattyboy's dead."
"Who's he? He's not in the stories."
"We can't kill any of the people in the stories. They might be useful later."
"Oh." Grix finished untying the rope from his legs. "Shouldn't you get him on board, or something?"
"We would..." Pb said.
"...but we're unlicensed." Ant finished.
"So you're just going to leave him there?"
"Yup. He's helped us all he's going to."
Grix frowned. "But what if he's got something of use in his pockets?"
"Good point." Pb pushed Grix, and he fell over backwards and back into the water.
"Search him for us, would you?" Ant said, and Grix flailed his arms and legs as he made for the dead man's pockets.
"Ach, you!"
Ant, and Pb, bored with following Goatboy around, had ended up in the pub. Unfortunatly...
"Ah, hello Sheepy." Pb said. "Any more information for us?" He quickly added, before Sheepy could think of why they were in the pub instead of out on the case.
"Aye, yess. One of the err... reasons, why I was getting a bit suspicious like, was that every friday, at aboot 7 though to about 10, the forums go a bit empty, like, all the gootboys and meekas go missing."
"All the ones that keep winning gameaday, right?"
"Aye."
"Have you considered that they might just, you know, go outside?"
"Ach, yes, but they go at the same time, and it's a bit odd like."
"Hey, Pb. Perhaps we should follow one of those guys, and see where they go on Friday!"
"Genius Ant. We'll leave immedietely."
"Ach, but it's Thursday, don't you wanna chat?"
"No, sorry, no time. Better get ready."
"Ach, nobody wants to talk to me."
Ant and Pb said nothing as they left Sheepy sat at the bar, wiping his finger around the edge of his pint glass.
---------------
"Sod this, go through that gate."
"But it's closed."
"Does it matter?"
"Good point."
Pb revved as he accidently knocked the escort out of gear, put it into first, put his foot to the floor, and rammed the gate out of the way. The rest of the people in the traffic jam watched on.
"Second you fool, second."
The escort bumped up and over the mounds of the field, Ant heard a *CLUNK* as something shot off into the air.
"What was that?"
"We're still moving, so who cares." Pb said, revving it again as he tried to force it into third gear. "I can't see a thing."
"Put your lights on."
Pb clicked on the lights.
"They don't work."
"Thanks." Ant said.
*WHAP*
Something big and black smacked up and hit the windscreen, smashing in part of the left hand side, before sliding up into the air and landing in a *THUNK* behind them.
"Perhaps we should have put that gate back up, looks like there're animals in here."
"That wasn't no animal, Ant." Pb stopped the car, he took out his pocket maglite, and had a look around.
----------
A struggle, three punches, one kick, and one nipple gripple later, Grix Thraves was tied and sat in the back of the Escort, dressed in a Batman costume.
"So." Pb asked.
"You're in doo deep." Grix said, sounding as if his rubber mask was too tight over his nose. "This is bigger than you fink."
"It probably is. We haven't thought that much about it." Ant answered.
"Where's the gads, Grix? Where are all the gads going?"
"I dunno, THAT, has nodding do do wif me."
"Take the stupid mask off Grix, we can't hear a damn word you're saying."
Grix took off the mask. "I said, THAT, has nothing to do with me."
"So, SOMETHING, has, then?"
"Possibly."
"God you're a mong." Pb said. "What's got what to do with you? And why the hell are you running through a field dressed in a Batman costume?"
"You're in too deep." Grix said again. "Too deep. People who get in too deep, for too long, drown."
"Unless they're wearing scuba gear." Ant stated.
"Yeah. Maybe." Grix said.
"Right, I'm going to ask you again, and if you don't answer, I'm going to rotate your nipple once more. What've you got to do with the gads?"
"Nothing, really!" Grix said, suddenly a bit less cryptic. "There's two sides of it. Two sides. We never see each other, we never mention eachother. I hear stuff, we hear what we have to do."
"Oh, and how do you, 'hear stuff', exactly?"
"I listen, with my ears."
"This is going nowhere." Ant said. "Let's move on to a move exciting sub-plot."
-----------------------
Friday - 6:40PM
With Grix 'safely out of the way', Pb and Ant kept an eye on Goatboy for the whole day.
"Look! He's coming out of the house!"
"I know." Said Pb. "That's why I just passed you the binoculars, and told you 'he's coming out of the house'."
"Ah." Ant said.
Goatboy climbed into his car, and sped off down the road. Pb started the car up, and sped off behind him.
"You alright back there, Grix?" Pb shouted.
"UGGH." Came the reply, from the boot.
"Good."
Keeping a safeish distance, Pb followed Goatboy to the petrol station, where he purchased a sausage roll. Not long after that, his driving suddenly went strangely erratic, and then a few minutes later went back to normal.
Goatboy pulled up at the dock, Ant and Pb watched as he boarded a speedboat, and speedboated out to sea.
"Damn. We've lost him... for now, at least."
"Where can we get a boat?"
"I'm... not sure..." Pb said. He watched as Fantasymeister got on another boat, and sped off as well. "Look, there's Fantasymeister too."
Pb looked around. There was a car following FM... it pulled up a distance away from the port, and in it, say Rastabillyskank.
"Rasta? The git."
"Where?" Ant said. Pb pointed him out. "The git... this is our case, what the hell is he doing here?"
"I'm not sure... but we're sure as hell not going to let him solve this before we do. If I have to sit through another of his exciting tales of how he managed to 'leap gates, and wow women with a single scratch', I may be forced to unleash the whoopee machine."
"And we don't want that." Ant said.
"What's the whoopee machine?" Questioned a voice from the boot of the car.
"Keep quiet, or I'll show you." Pb returned.
Ant, and Pb, bored with following Goatboy around, had ended up in the pub. Unfortunatly...
"Ah, hello Sheepy." Pb said. "Any more information for us?" He quickly added, before Sheepy could think of why they were in the pub instead of out on the case.
"Aye, yess. One of the err... reasons, why I was getting a bit suspicious like, was that every friday, at aboot 7 though to about 10, the forums go a bit empty, like, all the gootboys and meekas go missing."
"All the ones that keep winning gameaday, right?"
"Aye."
"Have you considered that they might just, you know, go outside?"
"Ach, yes, but they go at the same time, and it's a bit odd like."
"Hey, Pb. Perhaps we should follow one of those guys, and see where they go on Friday!"
"Genius Ant. We'll leave immedietely."
"Ach, but it's Thursday, don't you wanna chat?"
"No, sorry, no time. Better get ready."
"Ach, nobody wants to talk to me."
Ant and Pb said nothing as they left Sheepy sat at the bar, wiping his finger around the edge of his pint glass.
---------------
"Sod this, go through that gate."
"But it's closed."
"Does it matter?"
"Good point."
Pb revved as he accidently knocked the escort out of gear, put it into first, put his foot to the floor, and rammed the gate out of the way. The rest of the people in the traffic jam watched on.
"Second you fool, second."
The escort bumped up and over the mounds of the field, Ant heard a *CLUNK* as something shot off into the air.
"What was that?"
"We're still moving, so who cares." Pb said, revving it again as he tried to force it into third gear. "I can't see a thing."
"Put your lights on."
Pb clicked on the lights.
"They don't work."
"Thanks." Ant said.
*WHAP*
Something big and black smacked up and hit the windscreen, smashing in part of the left hand side, before sliding up into the air and landing in a *THUNK* behind them.
"Perhaps we should have put that gate back up, looks like there're animals in here."
"That wasn't no animal, Ant." Pb stopped the car, he took out his pocket maglite, and had a look around.
----------
A struggle, three punches, one kick, and one nipple gripple later, Grix Thraves was tied and sat in the back of the Escort, dressed in a Batman costume.
"So." Pb asked.
"You're in doo deep." Grix said, sounding as if his rubber mask was too tight over his nose. "This is bigger than you fink."
"It probably is. We haven't thought that much about it." Ant answered.
"Where's the gads, Grix? Where are all the gads going?"
"I dunno, THAT, has nodding do do wif me."
"Take the stupid mask off Grix, we can't hear a damn word you're saying."
Grix took off the mask. "I said, THAT, has nothing to do with me."
"So, SOMETHING, has, then?"
"Possibly."
"God you're a mong." Pb said. "What's got what to do with you? And why the hell are you running through a field dressed in a Batman costume?"
"You're in too deep." Grix said again. "Too deep. People who get in too deep, for too long, drown."
"Unless they're wearing scuba gear." Ant stated.
"Yeah. Maybe." Grix said.
"Right, I'm going to ask you again, and if you don't answer, I'm going to rotate your nipple once more. What've you got to do with the gads?"
"Nothing, really!" Grix said, suddenly a bit less cryptic. "There's two sides of it. Two sides. We never see each other, we never mention eachother. I hear stuff, we hear what we have to do."
"Oh, and how do you, 'hear stuff', exactly?"
"I listen, with my ears."
"This is going nowhere." Ant said. "Let's move on to a move exciting sub-plot."
-----------------------
Friday - 6:40PM
With Grix 'safely out of the way', Pb and Ant kept an eye on Goatboy for the whole day.
"Look! He's coming out of the house!"
"I know." Said Pb. "That's why I just passed you the binoculars, and told you 'he's coming out of the house'."
"Ah." Ant said.
Goatboy climbed into his car, and sped off down the road. Pb started the car up, and sped off behind him.
"You alright back there, Grix?" Pb shouted.
"UGGH." Came the reply, from the boot.
"Good."
Keeping a safeish distance, Pb followed Goatboy to the petrol station, where he purchased a sausage roll. Not long after that, his driving suddenly went strangely erratic, and then a few minutes later went back to normal.
Goatboy pulled up at the dock, Ant and Pb watched as he boarded a speedboat, and speedboated out to sea.
"Damn. We've lost him... for now, at least."
"Where can we get a boat?"
"I'm... not sure..." Pb said. He watched as Fantasymeister got on another boat, and sped off as well. "Look, there's Fantasymeister too."
Pb looked around. There was a car following FM... it pulled up a distance away from the port, and in it, say Rastabillyskank.
"Rasta? The git."
"Where?" Ant said. Pb pointed him out. "The git... this is our case, what the hell is he doing here?"
"I'm not sure... but we're sure as hell not going to let him solve this before we do. If I have to sit through another of his exciting tales of how he managed to 'leap gates, and wow women with a single scratch', I may be forced to unleash the whoopee machine."
"And we don't want that." Ant said.
"What's the whoopee machine?" Questioned a voice from the boot of the car.
"Keep quiet, or I'll show you." Pb returned.
"Just off topic for a second" said pb, "but if you were writing a large post on some forum or other, and accidentally pressed 'CTRL + W' instead of 'SHIFT + W' when trying to type a capital 'W', and lost the whole damn post, would you be a bit annoyed?"
"I certainly would."
"Yeah, though so."
"Anyway" said Ant. "What are we doing next?"
Pb thought about giving a large speech here, about the insights into the criminal mind, and classical detective strategys. He thought about it, and for some reason felt a sense of Deja-vu, almost as if he just had said it. So he decided he couldn't be arsed to say it all again.
"I reckon we follow Goatboy around for a bit" he said.
---------------------
pb and Ant sat in the stolen Ford Escort, outside the local samaritans office.
"So this is where he works?"
"Yeah. Wouldn't have thought it, would you?"
------------------
"So let me get this straight" said Goatboy. "You are upset because were fired from work after you got caught taking a leak on the railway lines? You bloody moron! Those rails are elctrified! You're damn lucky you didn't get 20,000 volts through your manhood, which if it didn't kill you outright, would at least do humanity the justice of preventing you ever bringing any new life into this world. I tell you, it's a small bloody mircale an idiot like you has lasted this long in the world at all."
There is the sound of a dial tone on the other end of the line.
"Goatboy, a word with you in my office please."
"Ah, Mr Thompson. Am I up for a raise, already?"
"Not exactly. In my office, now please."
-------------------------
A few blocks away, there is a crunch as someone hurls themselves off the topic story of a block of flats.
"I certainly would."
"Yeah, though so."
"Anyway" said Ant. "What are we doing next?"
Pb thought about giving a large speech here, about the insights into the criminal mind, and classical detective strategys. He thought about it, and for some reason felt a sense of Deja-vu, almost as if he just had said it. So he decided he couldn't be arsed to say it all again.
"I reckon we follow Goatboy around for a bit" he said.
---------------------
pb and Ant sat in the stolen Ford Escort, outside the local samaritans office.
"So this is where he works?"
"Yeah. Wouldn't have thought it, would you?"
------------------
"So let me get this straight" said Goatboy. "You are upset because were fired from work after you got caught taking a leak on the railway lines? You bloody moron! Those rails are elctrified! You're damn lucky you didn't get 20,000 volts through your manhood, which if it didn't kill you outright, would at least do humanity the justice of preventing you ever bringing any new life into this world. I tell you, it's a small bloody mircale an idiot like you has lasted this long in the world at all."
There is the sound of a dial tone on the other end of the line.
"Goatboy, a word with you in my office please."
"Ah, Mr Thompson. Am I up for a raise, already?"
"Not exactly. In my office, now please."
-------------------------
A few blocks away, there is a crunch as someone hurls themselves off the topic story of a block of flats.
"That's my face. My facffg..."
Ant launched himself through the bathroom window, landing with his arms stronger than he had even imagined, gazing straight into the unflushed bowl of Goatboy's toilet.
"Pb?"
"Yeah? What's wrong?"
"Help."
After they had managed to flush the toilet, just before Ant's arms gave way, he found his way to the front door, and opened it.
"Goatboy ain't going to be happy if he found out you dried your hair with his towel." Pb said, watching Ant struggle.
"He 'ain't' going to be happy if he finds out we've broken into his home, either. Be careful."
They decided to split up. Ant ventured into the bedroom, and Pb investigated the lounge.
Ant couldn't find all that much. He spent most of the time trying to stuff 'Blow up Bernice' back into a cupboard he had opened.
Pb, however, had found something quite interesting. He called to Ant.
On the table, under a pile of unclean dishes and newspapers, lay a long and odd list of auctions that Goatboy had bid on, and won.
"Nintendo consoles? But I thought he hated them?"
"Perhaps he does." Pb said. "Maybe he's just bought them to spite all the Ninty's from getting them. And perhaps burns them, in his back yard."
"I didn't notice any pyres on the way in." Ant said.
"Good point. Maybe not then."
Pb placed the list back under the newspapers. "I don't think we need anything more here. It would need a writer with a great imagination to have more than one piece of perhaps completely useless evidence at one scene... and we're in bad luck."
"Damn. Front door it is, then."
---------
Pb and Ant drove off in the Escort.
"Wasn't that a bit odd?" Ant said.
"What was?"
"We broke into someone's house... and left, BEFORE the owner was about to return home?"
"Yeah... it did feel a little... weird, to say the least." Pb said.
"What time is it?" Ant asked.
"Park digging time. Let's go find what Goatboy buried earlier on."
----------
Ant stood watch as Pb digged... the sun had just set, and the park was empty.
"So, what is it? A Nintendo console? A game?"
Pb stood up, and clapped his hands together to clean them.
"Poo." He said.
"Oh. Yeah, that would make sense. Bury your poo. Yeah."
Pb wiped his hands on Ant's jumper. "We need a lead, and fast."
Ant launched himself through the bathroom window, landing with his arms stronger than he had even imagined, gazing straight into the unflushed bowl of Goatboy's toilet.
"Pb?"
"Yeah? What's wrong?"
"Help."
After they had managed to flush the toilet, just before Ant's arms gave way, he found his way to the front door, and opened it.
"Goatboy ain't going to be happy if he found out you dried your hair with his towel." Pb said, watching Ant struggle.
"He 'ain't' going to be happy if he finds out we've broken into his home, either. Be careful."
They decided to split up. Ant ventured into the bedroom, and Pb investigated the lounge.
Ant couldn't find all that much. He spent most of the time trying to stuff 'Blow up Bernice' back into a cupboard he had opened.
Pb, however, had found something quite interesting. He called to Ant.
On the table, under a pile of unclean dishes and newspapers, lay a long and odd list of auctions that Goatboy had bid on, and won.
"Nintendo consoles? But I thought he hated them?"
"Perhaps he does." Pb said. "Maybe he's just bought them to spite all the Ninty's from getting them. And perhaps burns them, in his back yard."
"I didn't notice any pyres on the way in." Ant said.
"Good point. Maybe not then."
Pb placed the list back under the newspapers. "I don't think we need anything more here. It would need a writer with a great imagination to have more than one piece of perhaps completely useless evidence at one scene... and we're in bad luck."
"Damn. Front door it is, then."
---------
Pb and Ant drove off in the Escort.
"Wasn't that a bit odd?" Ant said.
"What was?"
"We broke into someone's house... and left, BEFORE the owner was about to return home?"
"Yeah... it did feel a little... weird, to say the least." Pb said.
"What time is it?" Ant asked.
"Park digging time. Let's go find what Goatboy buried earlier on."
----------
Ant stood watch as Pb digged... the sun had just set, and the park was empty.
"So, what is it? A Nintendo console? A game?"
Pb stood up, and clapped his hands together to clean them.
"Poo." He said.
"Oh. Yeah, that would make sense. Bury your poo. Yeah."
Pb wiped his hands on Ant's jumper. "We need a lead, and fast."
The pantomine horse continued to fit in the middle of the park.
"The braces... they won't budge!" Pb said.
"What braces?"
"The ones that attach to the horse, you fool. I clipped them on my trousers and they won't... unclip." Pb replied. Goatboy had finished digging his hole, or whatever it was. He could see through the eyes of the horse...
"Just take off your trousers then, you can put them on again once you get out."
Pb stopped wriggling. "...You're probably right, but taking my trousers off will more than likely end up with both of us ending up in some sort of sticky situation."
Ant thought. "I'd hope not, I don't particularly want to be sticky."
Pb fumbled around. He managed to get both straps off his shoulders, undid his fly, and pulled his trousers off.
He climbed out of the horse, and tried to pull the trousers away from the straps.
Ant just burst into laughter again... and a man walked up behind them.
"Can I ask what you're doing?"
"My trousers are stuck in my hor..." Pb stopped speaking, and turned to face a policeman.
"I can explain this." Pb finished.
Ant continued to giggle.
"We're two private detectives undercover, which, I believe, we just blew, badly."
"Private Detectives, hey?" The policeman said. "Let me see your ID's, then."
"You need ID's?"
"Of course I do, how else would I know who you were?"
Pb looked down at Ant. Ant didn't say anything about having to get ID's. He just said they could set up an agency...
"Of course, yes, the applications are in the post. We're supposed to have them in about... 3 to 4 weeks."
"You KNOW you're not supposed to go on the job until you get your ID's..."
"Excuse me, hello there? Officer!" Another man shouted...
The policeman turned around. A man was running towards him...
"What seems to be the problem?"
"My car..." The man was out of breathe. "My car, my Ford Escort, my white Ford Escort was stolen..."
Didn't the policeman just see a white Ford Escort... he turned around. The back end of the horse was running backwards away from him, with it's face being dragged along the ground. The other man, the one without any trousers, was running towards the white Ford Escort which he thought he had seen, before turning around, running back towards the horse, grabbing it's tail, and pulling it towards the car.
The policeman tried to give chase, but it was too late.
"Argh! My damn elbow..." Ant said. "I knocked it on the car door."
"Shut up."
"Sorry. Did you see what Goatboy was getting up to?"
"Yeah... well... no. He buried something, I'm sure. In the flowerbed, I think."
"Well, we can go back there tonight and find out what." Ant said. "In the meantime... we could head back to Goatboy's house. We know he's out, so let's snoop around, see what we can dig up, excusing the pun."
"Lightly. We better get some petrol first, though, we're running a little low."
"Certainly." Ant replied, finally pulling himself out of the horse costume. "We might need this later, so lets not ruin it."
"And considering that represents our payment of this case so far, it would definitely be a waste."
"Definitely."
"But a horse costume... why a damn horse costume?"
"I wasn't thinking. Sorry. I just had the word 'costume' in my head..."
"It's going to be damn hard to get someone to sneak in the back way with a sodding horse costume. I think they might notice if the back end goes missing. You need two for a horse."
"Two for a horse, you say..." Ant said, scratching his chin...
"The braces... they won't budge!" Pb said.
"What braces?"
"The ones that attach to the horse, you fool. I clipped them on my trousers and they won't... unclip." Pb replied. Goatboy had finished digging his hole, or whatever it was. He could see through the eyes of the horse...
"Just take off your trousers then, you can put them on again once you get out."
Pb stopped wriggling. "...You're probably right, but taking my trousers off will more than likely end up with both of us ending up in some sort of sticky situation."
Ant thought. "I'd hope not, I don't particularly want to be sticky."
Pb fumbled around. He managed to get both straps off his shoulders, undid his fly, and pulled his trousers off.
He climbed out of the horse, and tried to pull the trousers away from the straps.
Ant just burst into laughter again... and a man walked up behind them.
"Can I ask what you're doing?"
"My trousers are stuck in my hor..." Pb stopped speaking, and turned to face a policeman.
"I can explain this." Pb finished.
Ant continued to giggle.
"We're two private detectives undercover, which, I believe, we just blew, badly."
"Private Detectives, hey?" The policeman said. "Let me see your ID's, then."
"You need ID's?"
"Of course I do, how else would I know who you were?"
Pb looked down at Ant. Ant didn't say anything about having to get ID's. He just said they could set up an agency...
"Of course, yes, the applications are in the post. We're supposed to have them in about... 3 to 4 weeks."
"You KNOW you're not supposed to go on the job until you get your ID's..."
"Excuse me, hello there? Officer!" Another man shouted...
The policeman turned around. A man was running towards him...
"What seems to be the problem?"
"My car..." The man was out of breathe. "My car, my Ford Escort, my white Ford Escort was stolen..."
Didn't the policeman just see a white Ford Escort... he turned around. The back end of the horse was running backwards away from him, with it's face being dragged along the ground. The other man, the one without any trousers, was running towards the white Ford Escort which he thought he had seen, before turning around, running back towards the horse, grabbing it's tail, and pulling it towards the car.
The policeman tried to give chase, but it was too late.
"Argh! My damn elbow..." Ant said. "I knocked it on the car door."
"Shut up."
"Sorry. Did you see what Goatboy was getting up to?"
"Yeah... well... no. He buried something, I'm sure. In the flowerbed, I think."
"Well, we can go back there tonight and find out what." Ant said. "In the meantime... we could head back to Goatboy's house. We know he's out, so let's snoop around, see what we can dig up, excusing the pun."
"Lightly. We better get some petrol first, though, we're running a little low."
"Certainly." Ant replied, finally pulling himself out of the horse costume. "We might need this later, so lets not ruin it."
"And considering that represents our payment of this case so far, it would definitely be a waste."
"Definitely."
"But a horse costume... why a damn horse costume?"
"I wasn't thinking. Sorry. I just had the word 'costume' in my head..."
"It's going to be damn hard to get someone to sneak in the back way with a sodding horse costume. I think they might notice if the back end goes missing. You need two for a horse."
"Two for a horse, you say..." Ant said, scratching his chin...
Page: