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I've got an excellent "alternative" dictionary from the makers of Viz which literally has me crying tears of laughter. Most of it can't be posted on here but I'll post some of what I can.
It starts with a "history" of cursing and then goes A-Z so as I make my way through it I'll share with you some of the best ones.
First off: The "History" of Cursing.
It is believed that our prehistoric ancestors discovered swear words over two million years ago, shortly after the first tools were invented. When Stone-Age man accidentally hit his hand with a primitive flint-headed hammer, he found that a stream of profanity poured out of his mouth and turned the Paleolithic air blue. The age of bad language had begun.
The ancient Egyptians believed swearing to be a sign of great power and wisdom – and the most potty mouthed of all the Pharaohs was Tutankhamen. The boy-king ordered a message of breathtaking rudeness to be inscribed in hieroglyphics upon the door of his burial chamber. Indeed, when Egyptologist Howard Carter excavated the tomb and deciphered this expletive-ridden message – the famous “Curse of Tutankhamen” – his aunt, who was accompanying him on the expedition, was so shocked that she suffered a fatal heart attack and died on the spot.
In 1517, German theologian Martin Luther nailed a parchment to the door of the Castle Church in Wittenberg. On this parchment was written a list of 95 swear words. Luther was challenging the medieval orthodoxy, which permitted foul language to be spoken or written only in Latin, thus making it the preserve of the rich and educated classes. Luther argued that swearing should be available to the masses, and expressed in the language of the ordinary people.
When Sir Walter Raleigh sailed to the New World in the late 16th century, the Native Americans he met introduced him to several exotic new expletives. Raleigh brought the swear words back to England with him, and they caused a sensation at the Royal Court. Indeed, so impressed was Queen Elizabeth that she bestowed upon Raleigh a knighthood for his services to gutter language.
The spiritual father of the Profanisaurus was Dr Samuel Johnson, author of the first Dictionary of the English Language, which was published in 1755. Although he omitted all rude words from his magnum opus, Johnson himself suffered from Tourette’s syndrome. He would regularly shock fellow patrons of coffee houses, taverns, and literary salons by shouting out profane utterances, followed by pithy definitions of their meaning and examples of their usage from classic works of the past.
1829 proved to be a landmark year in the annals of swearing. For on July 4th a coachbuilder named George Shillibeer introduced the first public omnibuses to London – and along with them the first bus shelters. Within minutes of the new shelters being erected, urchins had covered them with scrawled vulgarities and gratuitous bad language. The defacement of bus shelters swiftly became the most popular means of communicating obscenities to the general public.
The reign of Queen Victoria heralded a dark period for rude words in Britain. For the prim and proper monarch was distinctly not amused by even the mildest forms of profanity. On one occasion she ordered that Prime Minister William Gladstone’s mouth be washed out with soap after he inadvisably said “toilet” whilst in conversation with her. So strait-laced was the Queen that she refused to believe even in the existence of the word “fitbin”.
The invention of the television marked a new era for swearing. But early innovators of the medium were highly sensitive to the use of rude words. When dour Presbyterian Scot Lord Reith founded the BBC in 1927, he imposed strict standards on the language that could be used in transmissions. Guidelines issued to producers at Alexandra Palace specified the substitution of swearwords with acceptable synonyms.
It starts with a "history" of cursing and then goes A-Z so as I make my way through it I'll share with you some of the best ones.
First off: The "History" of Cursing.
It is believed that our prehistoric ancestors discovered swear words over two million years ago, shortly after the first tools were invented. When Stone-Age man accidentally hit his hand with a primitive flint-headed hammer, he found that a stream of profanity poured out of his mouth and turned the Paleolithic air blue. The age of bad language had begun.
The ancient Egyptians believed swearing to be a sign of great power and wisdom – and the most potty mouthed of all the Pharaohs was Tutankhamen. The boy-king ordered a message of breathtaking rudeness to be inscribed in hieroglyphics upon the door of his burial chamber. Indeed, when Egyptologist Howard Carter excavated the tomb and deciphered this expletive-ridden message – the famous “Curse of Tutankhamen” – his aunt, who was accompanying him on the expedition, was so shocked that she suffered a fatal heart attack and died on the spot.
In 1517, German theologian Martin Luther nailed a parchment to the door of the Castle Church in Wittenberg. On this parchment was written a list of 95 swear words. Luther was challenging the medieval orthodoxy, which permitted foul language to be spoken or written only in Latin, thus making it the preserve of the rich and educated classes. Luther argued that swearing should be available to the masses, and expressed in the language of the ordinary people.
When Sir Walter Raleigh sailed to the New World in the late 16th century, the Native Americans he met introduced him to several exotic new expletives. Raleigh brought the swear words back to England with him, and they caused a sensation at the Royal Court. Indeed, so impressed was Queen Elizabeth that she bestowed upon Raleigh a knighthood for his services to gutter language.
The spiritual father of the Profanisaurus was Dr Samuel Johnson, author of the first Dictionary of the English Language, which was published in 1755. Although he omitted all rude words from his magnum opus, Johnson himself suffered from Tourette’s syndrome. He would regularly shock fellow patrons of coffee houses, taverns, and literary salons by shouting out profane utterances, followed by pithy definitions of their meaning and examples of their usage from classic works of the past.
1829 proved to be a landmark year in the annals of swearing. For on July 4th a coachbuilder named George Shillibeer introduced the first public omnibuses to London – and along with them the first bus shelters. Within minutes of the new shelters being erected, urchins had covered them with scrawled vulgarities and gratuitous bad language. The defacement of bus shelters swiftly became the most popular means of communicating obscenities to the general public.
The reign of Queen Victoria heralded a dark period for rude words in Britain. For the prim and proper monarch was distinctly not amused by even the mildest forms of profanity. On one occasion she ordered that Prime Minister William Gladstone’s mouth be washed out with soap after he inadvisably said “toilet” whilst in conversation with her. So strait-laced was the Queen that she refused to believe even in the existence of the word “fitbin”.
The invention of the television marked a new era for swearing. But early innovators of the medium were highly sensitive to the use of rude words. When dour Presbyterian Scot Lord Reith founded the BBC in 1927, he imposed strict standards on the language that could be used in transmissions. Guidelines issued to producers at Alexandra Palace specified the substitution of swearwords with acceptable synonyms.
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I used to read Viz back when I was maybe nine or ten. I remember my female friend asking what comics I read and me telling her that. She responded "Isn't that a magazine for men with no p*****s or something?"
I always found it funny because I still have no idea what she meant. On top of that, her father was an avid reader.
I always found it funny because I still have no idea what she meant. On top of that, her father was an avid reader.
I remember this when it first came out many years ago. Some of it was funny, a bit like Viz itself it didn't always hit the mark. A lot feels like they were trying too hard to be funny and rude and coming across as just adolescent.
"Most of it can't be posted on here"
Day = Ruined
Day = Ruined
Sonic Chris wrote:
Who needs a kindle when you\'ve got Smedders on the forum?!
Indeed and in fact, any source of information material! Smedders could cause libraries to shut and the likes of Amazon would find sales dropping. One wonders whether it's worth buying a book any more ... ask Smedders, he'll buy it and provide a 'brief' synopsis ;¬)
Who needs a kindle when you\'ve got Smedders on the forum?!
Indeed and in fact, any source of information material! Smedders could cause libraries to shut and the likes of Amazon would find sales dropping. One wonders whether it's worth buying a book any more ... ask Smedders, he'll buy it and provide a 'brief' synopsis ;¬)
Who needs a kindle when you've got Smedders on the forum?!
A
aard vark – How somebody with a gob full of hot chips might say “hard work”.
Aberdare tic-tac – An anabolic steroid tablet. Named after the South Wales town where every young man between the ages of 19-24 eats them like sweets.
a bit more choke and she would have started – Humourous expression to be used after one has just launched a particularly loud and/or prolonged guff.
abra-kebabra – A magical illusion performed after a night on the town, whereby a traditional Turkish dish is made to disappear down the performer’s throat, only to re-appear a short time later on the back of a taxi driver’s head.
accident brown spot – A health & safety hazard where one is likely to soil oneself, eg turn 13 of the Olympic bob-sleigh track at Whistler Sliding Centre, Vancouver.
acne carriage – The preferred conveyance of the sort of spotty-complexioned gentleman who effects backwards-facing caps. Usually a Vauxhall Corsa or Citroen Saxo.
a confident appeal by the Australians there – Phrase which should be amusingly delivered in the voice of Richie Benaud following a raucous guff.
add-to-basket bride – A lifelong partner and soul-mate acquired via a touchingly romantic and secure internet transaction.
admiral’s in port – Phrase shouted aloud when one finds that someone has left a floater.
afterburner – a guff that burns
after dinner speech – A hearty bout of flatulence following a particularly large meal. Delivering an after dinner speech is considered good etiquette in some cultures, such as Humberside.
agenda – A clearly set out plan to stay in on your own and drink a bottle of spirits, before laughing and crying yourself to sleep on the floor.
aggrophobic – One who is afraid of fighting.
ahead on pints – In an advanced state of inebriation but still just standing. When you are ahead on pints, the previous 11 rounds have taken their toll to such an extent that the next pint could send you to the canvas and out for the count.
Agatha Christie – A silent, putrid guff, committed by someone in this very room, and only one person knows whodunit.
disengage the airbrakes – To discharge the first guff of the morning.
air your guts – To vomit
alcohologram – A fascinating multi-dimensional optical illusion that occurs around your 11th pint.
alcopocalypse – The morning after a night on the beer when one feels like one has been shot.
alcozheimers – State of advanced mental confusion due to excessive drinking, which is typically symptomized by forgetting what you are doing, aimlessly wandering up and down, and periodically soiling yourself.
alehouse tan – The florid complexion and broken facial veins sported by alcoholics.
alements – Any injuries discovered the morning after a night on the beer.
all cisterns go – A hearty cry from the toilet cubicle after the launch of a particularly hefty dump.
amateur juggler – A person who is prone to occasional flatulence, from the fact that he or she “drops one every now and then”.
and Bully’s special prize – Comical preamble to announce the impending arrival of something that sounds more like a motorboat than it does a caravan.
and there goes Lewis Hamilton – Post-flatulatory announcement, ideally delivered in the excitable style of Murray Walker.
an excellent theory, Dr Watson – A humourous quip to be used immediately after someone has dropped one.
ankle chaingang – A crowd of middle-aged ladies out on the town.
Anne Frank’s drumkit – Used to describe something utterly useless that merely takes up space.
anybody injured? – Humourous interjection following a particularly loud guff.
Apollo 13 – An unexpected and disastrous venting of gas, which necessitates the abandoning of all plans, and an emergency trip home. An Apollo 13 crisis is only averted once a safe splashdown has been achieved. And ones trousers and underpants have been put out for the binman. From the ill-fated Moon mission starring Tom Hanks.
apple daft – Descriptive of the state of mental confusion following the consumption or a large amount of cheap cider.
are you in there, Mr Hill? – A jocular remark made to put people at their ease when someone has launched a guff which smells like that late Benny Hill’s flat did after the police broke down the door.
Arkwright’s till – Descriptive of an unpredictable and over-aggressive woman, who snaps at the slightest provocation and takes all one’s money. Named after Ronnie Barker’s dangerous-looking prop in Open All Hours.
Armani & Navy – Poorly-made imitation designer clothes purchased from a scouser in a street market.
artful as a supermarket butcher – Descriptive of a woman who makes the best of her limited visible assets by presenting herself in an appealingly packaged manner whilst simultaneously concealing what lies beneath. From the similar skills of a superstore meat vendor, who takes a slab of old mutton and, with careful manipulation, disguises the fat, hairy bits and gristle so that it looks like an unblemished morsel of tasty lean fillet.
asbolut – Generic name for spirit-based boozes of the sort typically shoplifted by lively, hooded youngsters from their local offy.
asbopolis – A claimant-rich conurbation such as Liverpool, which boasts a vibrant youthful culture of non-conformist behaviour.
asburb – A council estate which embraces a dissentient lifestyle.
asstrocity – A dump so unpleasant as to constitute a breach of the Geneva Convention.
atomic tortoise – Any innocent-looking pastry product which conceals a filling hotter than the sun, for example McDonald’s apple pies.
Austen Tourette’s – Male psychological condition characterised by the involuntary making of sarcastic and disparaging comments while sat with one’s wife/spouse/girlfriend watching a Pride and Prejudice-style costume drama on the TV. Treatment usually consists of the sufferer being walloped with a scatter cushion and sent from the room until the bonnet-wearing nonsense has finished.
away win – An adulterous episode which happily goes undetected.
Aztec two-step – A dance performed by people with diarrhoea hoping to get to the toilet before it’s too late.
aard vark – How somebody with a gob full of hot chips might say “hard work”.
Aberdare tic-tac – An anabolic steroid tablet. Named after the South Wales town where every young man between the ages of 19-24 eats them like sweets.
a bit more choke and she would have started – Humourous expression to be used after one has just launched a particularly loud and/or prolonged guff.
abra-kebabra – A magical illusion performed after a night on the town, whereby a traditional Turkish dish is made to disappear down the performer’s throat, only to re-appear a short time later on the back of a taxi driver’s head.
accident brown spot – A health & safety hazard where one is likely to soil oneself, eg turn 13 of the Olympic bob-sleigh track at Whistler Sliding Centre, Vancouver.
acne carriage – The preferred conveyance of the sort of spotty-complexioned gentleman who effects backwards-facing caps. Usually a Vauxhall Corsa or Citroen Saxo.
a confident appeal by the Australians there – Phrase which should be amusingly delivered in the voice of Richie Benaud following a raucous guff.
add-to-basket bride – A lifelong partner and soul-mate acquired via a touchingly romantic and secure internet transaction.
admiral’s in port – Phrase shouted aloud when one finds that someone has left a floater.
afterburner – a guff that burns
after dinner speech – A hearty bout of flatulence following a particularly large meal. Delivering an after dinner speech is considered good etiquette in some cultures, such as Humberside.
agenda – A clearly set out plan to stay in on your own and drink a bottle of spirits, before laughing and crying yourself to sleep on the floor.
aggrophobic – One who is afraid of fighting.
ahead on pints – In an advanced state of inebriation but still just standing. When you are ahead on pints, the previous 11 rounds have taken their toll to such an extent that the next pint could send you to the canvas and out for the count.
Agatha Christie – A silent, putrid guff, committed by someone in this very room, and only one person knows whodunit.
disengage the airbrakes – To discharge the first guff of the morning.
air your guts – To vomit
alcohologram – A fascinating multi-dimensional optical illusion that occurs around your 11th pint.
alcopocalypse – The morning after a night on the beer when one feels like one has been shot.
alcozheimers – State of advanced mental confusion due to excessive drinking, which is typically symptomized by forgetting what you are doing, aimlessly wandering up and down, and periodically soiling yourself.
alehouse tan – The florid complexion and broken facial veins sported by alcoholics.
alements – Any injuries discovered the morning after a night on the beer.
all cisterns go – A hearty cry from the toilet cubicle after the launch of a particularly hefty dump.
amateur juggler – A person who is prone to occasional flatulence, from the fact that he or she “drops one every now and then”.
and Bully’s special prize – Comical preamble to announce the impending arrival of something that sounds more like a motorboat than it does a caravan.
and there goes Lewis Hamilton – Post-flatulatory announcement, ideally delivered in the excitable style of Murray Walker.
an excellent theory, Dr Watson – A humourous quip to be used immediately after someone has dropped one.
ankle chaingang – A crowd of middle-aged ladies out on the town.
Anne Frank’s drumkit – Used to describe something utterly useless that merely takes up space.
anybody injured? – Humourous interjection following a particularly loud guff.
Apollo 13 – An unexpected and disastrous venting of gas, which necessitates the abandoning of all plans, and an emergency trip home. An Apollo 13 crisis is only averted once a safe splashdown has been achieved. And ones trousers and underpants have been put out for the binman. From the ill-fated Moon mission starring Tom Hanks.
apple daft – Descriptive of the state of mental confusion following the consumption or a large amount of cheap cider.
are you in there, Mr Hill? – A jocular remark made to put people at their ease when someone has launched a guff which smells like that late Benny Hill’s flat did after the police broke down the door.
Arkwright’s till – Descriptive of an unpredictable and over-aggressive woman, who snaps at the slightest provocation and takes all one’s money. Named after Ronnie Barker’s dangerous-looking prop in Open All Hours.
Armani & Navy – Poorly-made imitation designer clothes purchased from a scouser in a street market.
artful as a supermarket butcher – Descriptive of a woman who makes the best of her limited visible assets by presenting herself in an appealingly packaged manner whilst simultaneously concealing what lies beneath. From the similar skills of a superstore meat vendor, who takes a slab of old mutton and, with careful manipulation, disguises the fat, hairy bits and gristle so that it looks like an unblemished morsel of tasty lean fillet.
asbolut – Generic name for spirit-based boozes of the sort typically shoplifted by lively, hooded youngsters from their local offy.
asbopolis – A claimant-rich conurbation such as Liverpool, which boasts a vibrant youthful culture of non-conformist behaviour.
asburb – A council estate which embraces a dissentient lifestyle.
asstrocity – A dump so unpleasant as to constitute a breach of the Geneva Convention.
atomic tortoise – Any innocent-looking pastry product which conceals a filling hotter than the sun, for example McDonald’s apple pies.
Austen Tourette’s – Male psychological condition characterised by the involuntary making of sarcastic and disparaging comments while sat with one’s wife/spouse/girlfriend watching a Pride and Prejudice-style costume drama on the TV. Treatment usually consists of the sufferer being walloped with a scatter cushion and sent from the room until the bonnet-wearing nonsense has finished.
away win – An adulterous episode which happily goes undetected.
Aztec two-step – A dance performed by people with diarrhoea hoping to get to the toilet before it’s too late.
I've got an excellent "alternative" dictionary from the makers of Viz which literally has me crying tears of laughter. Most of it can't be posted on here but I'll post some of what I can.
It starts with a "history" of cursing and then goes A-Z so as I make my way through it I'll share with you some of the best ones.
First off: The "History" of Cursing.
It is believed that our prehistoric ancestors discovered swear words over two million years ago, shortly after the first tools were invented. When Stone-Age man accidentally hit his hand with a primitive flint-headed hammer, he found that a stream of profanity poured out of his mouth and turned the Paleolithic air blue. The age of bad language had begun.
The ancient Egyptians believed swearing to be a sign of great power and wisdom – and the most potty mouthed of all the Pharaohs was Tutankhamen. The boy-king ordered a message of breathtaking rudeness to be inscribed in hieroglyphics upon the door of his burial chamber. Indeed, when Egyptologist Howard Carter excavated the tomb and deciphered this expletive-ridden message – the famous “Curse of Tutankhamen” – his aunt, who was accompanying him on the expedition, was so shocked that she suffered a fatal heart attack and died on the spot.
In 1517, German theologian Martin Luther nailed a parchment to the door of the Castle Church in Wittenberg. On this parchment was written a list of 95 swear words. Luther was challenging the medieval orthodoxy, which permitted foul language to be spoken or written only in Latin, thus making it the preserve of the rich and educated classes. Luther argued that swearing should be available to the masses, and expressed in the language of the ordinary people.
When Sir Walter Raleigh sailed to the New World in the late 16th century, the Native Americans he met introduced him to several exotic new expletives. Raleigh brought the swear words back to England with him, and they caused a sensation at the Royal Court. Indeed, so impressed was Queen Elizabeth that she bestowed upon Raleigh a knighthood for his services to gutter language.
The spiritual father of the Profanisaurus was Dr Samuel Johnson, author of the first Dictionary of the English Language, which was published in 1755. Although he omitted all rude words from his magnum opus, Johnson himself suffered from Tourette’s syndrome. He would regularly shock fellow patrons of coffee houses, taverns, and literary salons by shouting out profane utterances, followed by pithy definitions of their meaning and examples of their usage from classic works of the past.
1829 proved to be a landmark year in the annals of swearing. For on July 4th a coachbuilder named George Shillibeer introduced the first public omnibuses to London – and along with them the first bus shelters. Within minutes of the new shelters being erected, urchins had covered them with scrawled vulgarities and gratuitous bad language. The defacement of bus shelters swiftly became the most popular means of communicating obscenities to the general public.
The reign of Queen Victoria heralded a dark period for rude words in Britain. For the prim and proper monarch was distinctly not amused by even the mildest forms of profanity. On one occasion she ordered that Prime Minister William Gladstone’s mouth be washed out with soap after he inadvisably said “toilet” whilst in conversation with her. So strait-laced was the Queen that she refused to believe even in the existence of the word “fitbin”.
The invention of the television marked a new era for swearing. But early innovators of the medium were highly sensitive to the use of rude words. When dour Presbyterian Scot Lord Reith founded the BBC in 1927, he imposed strict standards on the language that could be used in transmissions. Guidelines issued to producers at Alexandra Palace specified the substitution of swearwords with acceptable synonyms.
It starts with a "history" of cursing and then goes A-Z so as I make my way through it I'll share with you some of the best ones.
First off: The "History" of Cursing.
It is believed that our prehistoric ancestors discovered swear words over two million years ago, shortly after the first tools were invented. When Stone-Age man accidentally hit his hand with a primitive flint-headed hammer, he found that a stream of profanity poured out of his mouth and turned the Paleolithic air blue. The age of bad language had begun.
The ancient Egyptians believed swearing to be a sign of great power and wisdom – and the most potty mouthed of all the Pharaohs was Tutankhamen. The boy-king ordered a message of breathtaking rudeness to be inscribed in hieroglyphics upon the door of his burial chamber. Indeed, when Egyptologist Howard Carter excavated the tomb and deciphered this expletive-ridden message – the famous “Curse of Tutankhamen” – his aunt, who was accompanying him on the expedition, was so shocked that she suffered a fatal heart attack and died on the spot.
In 1517, German theologian Martin Luther nailed a parchment to the door of the Castle Church in Wittenberg. On this parchment was written a list of 95 swear words. Luther was challenging the medieval orthodoxy, which permitted foul language to be spoken or written only in Latin, thus making it the preserve of the rich and educated classes. Luther argued that swearing should be available to the masses, and expressed in the language of the ordinary people.
When Sir Walter Raleigh sailed to the New World in the late 16th century, the Native Americans he met introduced him to several exotic new expletives. Raleigh brought the swear words back to England with him, and they caused a sensation at the Royal Court. Indeed, so impressed was Queen Elizabeth that she bestowed upon Raleigh a knighthood for his services to gutter language.
The spiritual father of the Profanisaurus was Dr Samuel Johnson, author of the first Dictionary of the English Language, which was published in 1755. Although he omitted all rude words from his magnum opus, Johnson himself suffered from Tourette’s syndrome. He would regularly shock fellow patrons of coffee houses, taverns, and literary salons by shouting out profane utterances, followed by pithy definitions of their meaning and examples of their usage from classic works of the past.
1829 proved to be a landmark year in the annals of swearing. For on July 4th a coachbuilder named George Shillibeer introduced the first public omnibuses to London – and along with them the first bus shelters. Within minutes of the new shelters being erected, urchins had covered them with scrawled vulgarities and gratuitous bad language. The defacement of bus shelters swiftly became the most popular means of communicating obscenities to the general public.
The reign of Queen Victoria heralded a dark period for rude words in Britain. For the prim and proper monarch was distinctly not amused by even the mildest forms of profanity. On one occasion she ordered that Prime Minister William Gladstone’s mouth be washed out with soap after he inadvisably said “toilet” whilst in conversation with her. So strait-laced was the Queen that she refused to believe even in the existence of the word “fitbin”.
The invention of the television marked a new era for swearing. But early innovators of the medium were highly sensitive to the use of rude words. When dour Presbyterian Scot Lord Reith founded the BBC in 1927, he imposed strict standards on the language that could be used in transmissions. Guidelines issued to producers at Alexandra Palace specified the substitution of swearwords with acceptable synonyms.
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