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I've got an excellent "alternative" dictionary from the makers of Viz which literally has me crying tears of laughter. Most of it can't be posted on here but I'll post some of what I can.
It starts with a "history" of cursing and then goes A-Z so as I make my way through it I'll share with you some of the best ones.
First off: The "History" of Cursing.
It is believed that our prehistoric ancestors discovered swear words over two million years ago, shortly after the first tools were invented. When Stone-Age man accidentally hit his hand with a primitive flint-headed hammer, he found that a stream of profanity poured out of his mouth and turned the Paleolithic air blue. The age of bad language had begun.
The ancient Egyptians believed swearing to be a sign of great power and wisdom – and the most potty mouthed of all the Pharaohs was Tutankhamen. The boy-king ordered a message of breathtaking rudeness to be inscribed in hieroglyphics upon the door of his burial chamber. Indeed, when Egyptologist Howard Carter excavated the tomb and deciphered this expletive-ridden message – the famous “Curse of Tutankhamen” – his aunt, who was accompanying him on the expedition, was so shocked that she suffered a fatal heart attack and died on the spot.
In 1517, German theologian Martin Luther nailed a parchment to the door of the Castle Church in Wittenberg. On this parchment was written a list of 95 swear words. Luther was challenging the medieval orthodoxy, which permitted foul language to be spoken or written only in Latin, thus making it the preserve of the rich and educated classes. Luther argued that swearing should be available to the masses, and expressed in the language of the ordinary people.
When Sir Walter Raleigh sailed to the New World in the late 16th century, the Native Americans he met introduced him to several exotic new expletives. Raleigh brought the swear words back to England with him, and they caused a sensation at the Royal Court. Indeed, so impressed was Queen Elizabeth that she bestowed upon Raleigh a knighthood for his services to gutter language.
The spiritual father of the Profanisaurus was Dr Samuel Johnson, author of the first Dictionary of the English Language, which was published in 1755. Although he omitted all rude words from his magnum opus, Johnson himself suffered from Tourette’s syndrome. He would regularly shock fellow patrons of coffee houses, taverns, and literary salons by shouting out profane utterances, followed by pithy definitions of their meaning and examples of their usage from classic works of the past.
1829 proved to be a landmark year in the annals of swearing. For on July 4th a coachbuilder named George Shillibeer introduced the first public omnibuses to London – and along with them the first bus shelters. Within minutes of the new shelters being erected, urchins had covered them with scrawled vulgarities and gratuitous bad language. The defacement of bus shelters swiftly became the most popular means of communicating obscenities to the general public.
The reign of Queen Victoria heralded a dark period for rude words in Britain. For the prim and proper monarch was distinctly not amused by even the mildest forms of profanity. On one occasion she ordered that Prime Minister William Gladstone’s mouth be washed out with soap after he inadvisably said “toilet” whilst in conversation with her. So strait-laced was the Queen that she refused to believe even in the existence of the word “fitbin”.
The invention of the television marked a new era for swearing. But early innovators of the medium were highly sensitive to the use of rude words. When dour Presbyterian Scot Lord Reith founded the BBC in 1927, he imposed strict standards on the language that could be used in transmissions. Guidelines issued to producers at Alexandra Palace specified the substitution of swearwords with acceptable synonyms.
It starts with a "history" of cursing and then goes A-Z so as I make my way through it I'll share with you some of the best ones.
First off: The "History" of Cursing.
It is believed that our prehistoric ancestors discovered swear words over two million years ago, shortly after the first tools were invented. When Stone-Age man accidentally hit his hand with a primitive flint-headed hammer, he found that a stream of profanity poured out of his mouth and turned the Paleolithic air blue. The age of bad language had begun.
The ancient Egyptians believed swearing to be a sign of great power and wisdom – and the most potty mouthed of all the Pharaohs was Tutankhamen. The boy-king ordered a message of breathtaking rudeness to be inscribed in hieroglyphics upon the door of his burial chamber. Indeed, when Egyptologist Howard Carter excavated the tomb and deciphered this expletive-ridden message – the famous “Curse of Tutankhamen” – his aunt, who was accompanying him on the expedition, was so shocked that she suffered a fatal heart attack and died on the spot.
In 1517, German theologian Martin Luther nailed a parchment to the door of the Castle Church in Wittenberg. On this parchment was written a list of 95 swear words. Luther was challenging the medieval orthodoxy, which permitted foul language to be spoken or written only in Latin, thus making it the preserve of the rich and educated classes. Luther argued that swearing should be available to the masses, and expressed in the language of the ordinary people.
When Sir Walter Raleigh sailed to the New World in the late 16th century, the Native Americans he met introduced him to several exotic new expletives. Raleigh brought the swear words back to England with him, and they caused a sensation at the Royal Court. Indeed, so impressed was Queen Elizabeth that she bestowed upon Raleigh a knighthood for his services to gutter language.
The spiritual father of the Profanisaurus was Dr Samuel Johnson, author of the first Dictionary of the English Language, which was published in 1755. Although he omitted all rude words from his magnum opus, Johnson himself suffered from Tourette’s syndrome. He would regularly shock fellow patrons of coffee houses, taverns, and literary salons by shouting out profane utterances, followed by pithy definitions of their meaning and examples of their usage from classic works of the past.
1829 proved to be a landmark year in the annals of swearing. For on July 4th a coachbuilder named George Shillibeer introduced the first public omnibuses to London – and along with them the first bus shelters. Within minutes of the new shelters being erected, urchins had covered them with scrawled vulgarities and gratuitous bad language. The defacement of bus shelters swiftly became the most popular means of communicating obscenities to the general public.
The reign of Queen Victoria heralded a dark period for rude words in Britain. For the prim and proper monarch was distinctly not amused by even the mildest forms of profanity. On one occasion she ordered that Prime Minister William Gladstone’s mouth be washed out with soap after he inadvisably said “toilet” whilst in conversation with her. So strait-laced was the Queen that she refused to believe even in the existence of the word “fitbin”.
The invention of the television marked a new era for swearing. But early innovators of the medium were highly sensitive to the use of rude words. When dour Presbyterian Scot Lord Reith founded the BBC in 1927, he imposed strict standards on the language that could be used in transmissions. Guidelines issued to producers at Alexandra Palace specified the substitution of swearwords with acceptable synonyms.
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Fully endorse what SC has said Smedders, but it is a bit OTT :¬)
We like humour, but we just don't want to overdose on it :-)
Seriously, don't take it to heart Smedders, it just gets a bit much when there's new threads everyday with huge passages from books.
What would be fantastic is if you started writing book reviews, something these forums haven't seen for a very long time! That way you can win GADs for the posts too, think everyone wins in that scenario.
Seriously, don't take it to heart Smedders, it just gets a bit much when there's new threads everyday with huge passages from books.
What would be fantastic is if you started writing book reviews, something these forums haven't seen for a very long time! That way you can win GADs for the posts too, think everyone wins in that scenario.
Well I do apologize profusely for trying to bring some light-hearted humour to the forums once in a while!
Sheldon Cooper: Sarcasm?
Sheldon Cooper: Sarcasm?
Perhaps he's concerned about word count?
Linking is better.
Linking is better.
Sonic Chris wrote:
So, discussion about books = encouraged. Copying entire passages from books and posting them = frowned upon.
With that I'll agree SC ...
... and because you'll see this Smedders and as you've only just started to 'copy and paste B' in your latest whatever ...
please, give it a rest ... it's boring :¬)
So, discussion about books = encouraged. Copying entire passages from books and posting them = frowned upon.
With that I'll agree SC ...
... and because you'll see this Smedders and as you've only just started to 'copy and paste B' in your latest whatever ...
please, give it a rest ... it's boring :¬)
There do seem to be a lot of posts quoted/copied from books. I really don't think making several different threads for books you enjoy is the best way to contribute to the forum, if we all did that, the place would be a mess!
If people are really interested in the book, they'll seek the book out and read it for themselves. So, discussion about books = encouraged. Copying entire passages from books and posting them = frowned upon.
If people are really interested in the book, they'll seek the book out and read it for themselves. So, discussion about books = encouraged. Copying entire passages from books and posting them = frowned upon.
Can this 'spam' not be stopped or blocked ... it's hardly readable, funny or even entertaining ... total drivel
B's Part 2
benefit buffet – In supermarkets, the shelves situated close to checkouts that bear a mouth-watering array of dented tins, loaves of bread with torn packaging, crushed crisps, and almost out of date meat.
better an eviction than a bad tenant! – Term used as an amusing riposte to someone who had just guffed.
big boned – Term used by fat people to claim that their 40 a day cake habit isn’t the reason for their size.
biker’s highway code, thin as a – A reference to something that is notably slight.
bilious fog – A cloud of dense, sulphurous gas emitted by someone who has been on the boiled eggs and/or cabbage the day before, so thick that a safe passage through it may only be attempted by means of a machete or a chainsaw.
Bill Grundies – Underwear.
Billy no mates – A person who is lacking close acquaintances.
bingo armour – The excessive amounts of cheap jewellery worn by old ladies enjoying a night out frantically crossing off numbers.
binorkulars – Sunglasses as worn by an observant fellow on the beach.
bird sanctuary – A place where women are safe from the reaches of the opposite gender ie the hairdressers.
birdseed – Nickname for a henpecked fellow.
Birkenhead confetti – Gravel.
biroglyphics – The graffiti found on toilet walls, lecture hall tables, etc where they give a fascinating insight into more primitive cultures.
bitten by the brewer’s horse – To be drunk.
bitterflies – Mythical intestinal insects that can be felt to flutter in the stomach when the first pint of the night isn’t far off.
black country urgency – The performance of a task with dizzying slowness and ineptitude, in the style of a resident of the West Midlands.
Black Eye Friday – The Friday immediately preceding Christmas where Ulsterfolk of all sexes, ages, and mental capabilities descent upon drinking establishments to celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ. The traditional end to these festivities is violence, vomiting, and marital breakdown, followed by a full-scale riot.
bladdered – Drunk.
blamestorming session – A round-the-pub-table discussion in which people air their forcefully-expressed opinions on a whole manner of topics.
blanket ripper – A particularly powerful guff done whilst in bed.
blinglish – Street language spoken by rappers.
bloatee – The type of carefully manicured goatee favoured by the chubbier male in a vain attempt to disguise his double chin.
bloomers – Large loaves of bread. And also a voluminous item of ladies underwear.
blottopilot – Inbuilt male homing device that is activated after a night on the booze in order to get him safely home.
blow a dog off a chain – To guff with sufficient severity to strip canines off their leashes.
blowlamp – A guff that is so strong that it could fetch paint off the walls or caramelise the sugar on a crème brulee.
blue dart – The brief but tremendously exciting pyrotechnic display achieved after lighting ones guff.
blunderguff – To expel and horrendous smelling guff, only to realize that a tasty bird is heading your way.
bog library – Reading material that can be found around the toilet of a bachelor.
bogosphere – The air quality in a lavatory.
bog ostrich – A person who spends the latter half of a night out with their head down the toilet.
Bogside barbecue – Named after the notorious area of Derry, a social gathering of locals enjoying cans of lager around a host of burning cars.
Bolton alarm clock – The convoy of police, ambulance, and fire engines which charges through the streets of the Lancashire town at precisely 9am each morning.
Bolton shotput – A sport played by nightclub bouncers in which clients are gripped firmly under their chin and shoved as far as possible into the road or through a shop window.
booze snooze – An alcohol-induced siesta taken in the pub, pub toilets, or the gutter.
bowel bugle – A guff.
Bradford dishwashing – Peeing in the sink.
Bradford street carnival – A traditional city-wide riot that celebrates the West Yorkshire city’s popular youth culture.
Bransholme lighthouse – Nickname for a police helicopter, taken from the fact that the Humberside one spends much of its time hovering over the exclusive Bransholme Estate in Hull.
brap – The volume rating of a guff.
bratmobiles – People carriers.
breakfast maker – a guff which smells so bad that the missis has no other choice but to get out of bed and make the breakfast.
break the siege – To enjoy a long, overdue dump after a bout of constipation.
brewer’s flu – A hangover.
brewicide – The act of drinking yourself to death, as practiced by George Best and Oliver Reed.
broomstick – Any small runaround car aimed specifically at the ladies’ market ie Renault Clio.
BSH – British Standard Handful, the Imperial unit by which women’s jugs are measured by.
budgie supping – The act of pitiful beer drinking performed by men who aren’t used to it.
Burberry apes – Designer-clad football hooligans.
Burnley taxi – A police car.
burnside drawer – The bottom drawer in an office desk, which contains contraband material such as alcohol. Named after the no-nonsense DCI Frank Burnside from The Bill.
busker’s hat – The pocketful of change left over after a night out on the booze, that feels like about £12 but turns out to be 62p in 1p’s and 2p’s.
butler in the pantry – A polite dump which knows its place, remaining below the stairs, occasionally coughing discreetly until summoned.
buy a headache – To purchase strong alcoholic liquor.
benefit buffet – In supermarkets, the shelves situated close to checkouts that bear a mouth-watering array of dented tins, loaves of bread with torn packaging, crushed crisps, and almost out of date meat.
better an eviction than a bad tenant! – Term used as an amusing riposte to someone who had just guffed.
big boned – Term used by fat people to claim that their 40 a day cake habit isn’t the reason for their size.
biker’s highway code, thin as a – A reference to something that is notably slight.
bilious fog – A cloud of dense, sulphurous gas emitted by someone who has been on the boiled eggs and/or cabbage the day before, so thick that a safe passage through it may only be attempted by means of a machete or a chainsaw.
Bill Grundies – Underwear.
Billy no mates – A person who is lacking close acquaintances.
bingo armour – The excessive amounts of cheap jewellery worn by old ladies enjoying a night out frantically crossing off numbers.
binorkulars – Sunglasses as worn by an observant fellow on the beach.
bird sanctuary – A place where women are safe from the reaches of the opposite gender ie the hairdressers.
birdseed – Nickname for a henpecked fellow.
Birkenhead confetti – Gravel.
biroglyphics – The graffiti found on toilet walls, lecture hall tables, etc where they give a fascinating insight into more primitive cultures.
bitten by the brewer’s horse – To be drunk.
bitterflies – Mythical intestinal insects that can be felt to flutter in the stomach when the first pint of the night isn’t far off.
black country urgency – The performance of a task with dizzying slowness and ineptitude, in the style of a resident of the West Midlands.
Black Eye Friday – The Friday immediately preceding Christmas where Ulsterfolk of all sexes, ages, and mental capabilities descent upon drinking establishments to celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ. The traditional end to these festivities is violence, vomiting, and marital breakdown, followed by a full-scale riot.
bladdered – Drunk.
blamestorming session – A round-the-pub-table discussion in which people air their forcefully-expressed opinions on a whole manner of topics.
blanket ripper – A particularly powerful guff done whilst in bed.
blinglish – Street language spoken by rappers.
bloatee – The type of carefully manicured goatee favoured by the chubbier male in a vain attempt to disguise his double chin.
bloomers – Large loaves of bread. And also a voluminous item of ladies underwear.
blottopilot – Inbuilt male homing device that is activated after a night on the booze in order to get him safely home.
blow a dog off a chain – To guff with sufficient severity to strip canines off their leashes.
blowlamp – A guff that is so strong that it could fetch paint off the walls or caramelise the sugar on a crème brulee.
blue dart – The brief but tremendously exciting pyrotechnic display achieved after lighting ones guff.
blunderguff – To expel and horrendous smelling guff, only to realize that a tasty bird is heading your way.
bog library – Reading material that can be found around the toilet of a bachelor.
bogosphere – The air quality in a lavatory.
bog ostrich – A person who spends the latter half of a night out with their head down the toilet.
Bogside barbecue – Named after the notorious area of Derry, a social gathering of locals enjoying cans of lager around a host of burning cars.
Bolton alarm clock – The convoy of police, ambulance, and fire engines which charges through the streets of the Lancashire town at precisely 9am each morning.
Bolton shotput – A sport played by nightclub bouncers in which clients are gripped firmly under their chin and shoved as far as possible into the road or through a shop window.
booze snooze – An alcohol-induced siesta taken in the pub, pub toilets, or the gutter.
bowel bugle – A guff.
Bradford dishwashing – Peeing in the sink.
Bradford street carnival – A traditional city-wide riot that celebrates the West Yorkshire city’s popular youth culture.
Bransholme lighthouse – Nickname for a police helicopter, taken from the fact that the Humberside one spends much of its time hovering over the exclusive Bransholme Estate in Hull.
brap – The volume rating of a guff.
bratmobiles – People carriers.
breakfast maker – a guff which smells so bad that the missis has no other choice but to get out of bed and make the breakfast.
break the siege – To enjoy a long, overdue dump after a bout of constipation.
brewer’s flu – A hangover.
brewicide – The act of drinking yourself to death, as practiced by George Best and Oliver Reed.
broomstick – Any small runaround car aimed specifically at the ladies’ market ie Renault Clio.
BSH – British Standard Handful, the Imperial unit by which women’s jugs are measured by.
budgie supping – The act of pitiful beer drinking performed by men who aren’t used to it.
Burberry apes – Designer-clad football hooligans.
Burnley taxi – A police car.
burnside drawer – The bottom drawer in an office desk, which contains contraband material such as alcohol. Named after the no-nonsense DCI Frank Burnside from The Bill.
busker’s hat – The pocketful of change left over after a night out on the booze, that feels like about £12 but turns out to be 62p in 1p’s and 2p’s.
butler in the pantry – A polite dump which knows its place, remaining below the stairs, occasionally coughing discreetly until summoned.
buy a headache – To purchase strong alcoholic liquor.
On to the B's Part 1:
babber – A term popular in the delightful South Yorkshire hamlet of Barnsley and its environs, meaning to soil oneself accidentally.
bacardi bruiser – A drunk lady who chooses to fight rather than cry
Bacardi geezer – A bloke who quite inexplicably chooses to quaff women’s drinks such as Bacardi Breezers instead of beer
bacca wrapper – A particularly long, loud, wet, and rattling guff.
backbench rebellion – A backside revolt, usually occurring the morning after a particularly hot curry.
back beauty – A woman who appears to be attractive from behind, but when viewed from the front is a bit of a horse.
backfire – To gull with such volume as to startle a police horse.
back one out – to have a dump
back pocket rocket – A dump that shoots out at high speed and disappears round the bend, leaving no trace whatsoever that and making you wonder whether you’ve been at all or if you just imagined the whole thing.
back seat driver – A car passenger situated in the rear of the vehicle who, by giving “helpful” tips and advice to the driver, thinks they stand a chance of getting them to drive more safely.
backwards burp – a guff
bacne – spots on the someone’s back
bacon belt – The unstylish lardy spare tyre visible between the fashionable hipster jeans and modish crop top of a fat bird.
bacon powder – Illicit, particulate substance much favoured by showbiz types.
badass – Descriptive of someone who is suffering from piles.
badunkadunk – A large backside.
bag for life - A revolutionary 21st century device for carrying your organic produce out of the supermarket and hoisting them into the boot of your electric-powered Lexus 4X4. Similar to an old-fashoined shopping bag but with the added advantage that it combats global warming, reverses El Ninos, and thus prevents polar bear cubs from drowning in the Gulf Stream. Also what a gentleman receives after his wedding vows.
bagsy – An exclamation used to make a claim upon something, based solely on the legal precedent that the one who speaks first has primary rights of ownership.
bahdumb, bahdish – The sound of a drummer pointing out where the joke are in Jay Leno’s script on the Tonight Show. Also the sound of a dump exiting and momentarily later hitting the water.
bake one – To not go for a dump when you really ought to, ie at a music festival.
baker’s ache – the stomach ache experienced after not going for a dump when you really ought to.
Balham ballet – The intricate, yet graceful movements of a drunk on any South London high street.
bally heck – Wartime form of cursing when swearing was rationed.
bampot – A survivor of the mental health system.
Bangladeshi bagpipes – A musical instrument played in curry house toilets.
bannistered – To be so drunk that your mates have to carry you home. Derived from the state that record-breaking athlete Roger Bannister was in after he crossed the finishing line after running the first sub 4-minute mile.
bannocks – Unappetising Scottish bread buns. Also a Scottish cuss word.
barbecue sauce – Cheap, yet strangely potent bottled lager swilled down by the man of the house in order to keep cool when bending over a tray of blazing charcoal lumps in the back garden whilst wearing a humourous apron.
barf bag – Sick bag as used on aeroplanes.
bargoyles – Hideously ugly female pub fixtures.
bark carrots – To be sick.
barn door gentleman – Term used to describe a clumsy fellow.
barney rubble – Materials used in a street fight eg pavement slabs.
Barnsley briefcase – A Netto or Aldi bag carried into work each day by one who is employed in the service industry in the South Yorkshire town. Typical contents include a pre-packed sandwich, a bottle of water, a copy of the Sun, and a biro which pokes out of the bottom of the bag.
bateau mouche – A dump that is so satisfyingly large that that one could easily imagine it being used to take tourists along the Seine.
battlecry – A loud and stirring guff that signals the declaration of war to a particularly troublesome dump.
batulence – Extremely high-pitched guff which only creatures of the order Chiroptra are able to hear.
Big Brother Contestant – A person who appears pleasant enough at first, but actually turns out to be a right idiot.
bed bellows – The action of a man who has just guffed in bed, who lifts and lowers his leg in order to flap the quilt up and down and thus bring the benefits of his effort to the attention of his bird lying next to him.
bedruggled – Describes the appearance of one who has aged beyond their years due to an enormous intake of illicit pharmaceuticals and/or booze eg Keith Richards
Bee Gees bite – The first mouthful of an extremely hot foodstuff, such as a McDonald’s apple pie, that causes the eater to involuntarily perform “ah-ha-ha-ha” in the style of the intro to the Isle of Man warbler’s tune Stayin’ Alive.
beef cloud – a guff that smells like one has just opened a very old tin of dog food.
beerache – The painful affliction of the eardrum usually experienced after returning home drunk and late. Like tinnitus, but with an annoying woman’s voice instead of bells.
beer angel – The unseen guiding force that watches over and keeps safe the inebriated as they try and stagger across a busy road, ie all 6 lanes of the North Circular.
beer armour – The invisible protective clothing that prevents injury on the way home from the pub by shielding the body from all sensation of damage on contact with the pavement.
beer baby – A large booze-induced gut.
beer badly – A popular turn of phrase describing a person’s wellbeing after a hard night on the pop.
beer buggy – A shopping trolley.
beer callipers – Miraculous leg splints which enable drunk revellers to stagger home at closing time.
beer coat – An invisible, yet warm overcoat worn by those walking back from a club at 3 in the morning in the middle of winter.
beer compass – A homing device that explains your inexplicable safe arrival at home after a night on the booze.
beer cones – Invisible contraflow system surrounding a drunkard meandering up the road, allowing traffic to move freely around him.
beer degree – A qualification attained after a sufficient intake of alcohol, which enables the holder to talk at length and with complete authority on any given topic.
beer facelift – Subjective cosmetic surgical procedure which is only visible to drunk men.
beer goggles – Booze-fuelled optical aids that make women look a lot more attractive than they actually are.
beer halo – An alcohol-induced feeling of self-righteousness.
beeriod – Twice-weekly affliction suffered by men after a night on the beer. Symptoms include headache, mood swings, and a bloated stomach.
beer lag – The disruption to human sleeping patterns encountered after intense lunchtime drinking which leaves one unable to keep one’s eyes open for Eastenders but wide awake at 2 in the morning.
beerlarious – Something only amusing when drunk ie putting a traffic cone on a statue’s head.
beer monkey – A mythical simian creature which, during a drunken slumber, sneaks into your bed, ruffles your hair, steals your money, and has a dump in your mouth.
beermuffs – Invisible ear defenders that attach themselves to a man’s head after several pints, rendering him unable to hold a conversation without shouting.
beer mugger – The unseen assailant you discover has hit you over the head and taken £50 out of your wallet the morning after you “nip out for a swift pint.”
beero – A person who, aided by the consumption of several pints of lager, is prepared to engage in acts of incredible heroism ie squaring up to 4 bouncers at the same time.
beer plugs – Alcoholic sound level inhibitors which occasion a total lack of response to any form of auditory stimulation. Beer plugs allow the wearer to remain happily sound asleep in the midst of such high volumes as a nightclub PA system, a fire alarm, or the police kicking his door in.
beer pressure – When your mates encourage you to drink more than you feel comfortable with.
beer scooter – Miraculous method of transport employed when leaving the pub after drinking an elegant sufficiency of alcohol. So-called because one returns home seemingly in no time and at an incredible velocity.
beer shoes – Golves
beer sniper – An invisible marksman who silently “takes out” drunkards, causing them to collapse in the street, fall off bar stools, and crash off the stage whilst attempting to sing karaoke.
beer whistle – At a football match, the invisible sound given 10 minutes before half time that causes a mass exodus of gentlemen to go to the toilet and then buy a pie and a pint.
beerwolf – One who wakes up in unfamiliar surroundings with torn clothes, aching limbs, the taste of blood in his mouth, and suffering from nightmarish flashbacks to terrible events which occurred the previous evening.
Beethoven’s 5th – A large, loud guff that may leave the performer deaf.
Begone, Demon Lord of Karanga! – A phrase uttered by an individual when trying to flush away a particularly stubborn dump.
Belfast taxi – A battery-powered shopping scooter for old people too fat or idle to walk.
Belfast tickle stick – A baseball bat, length of iron, a length of two-by-four etc.
Belgian – In the world of chocolates, twice as expensive as normal.
belle of the dole – A recently dumped 30-something mother who gets all done up to the nines to go and sign on, in order to demonstrate that she is better than all the other single mums she has spent years berating.
benefit buddies – The group of lonely OAP’s and unemployable misfits who gather outside the Post Office half an hour before it opens just to talk to one another.
babber – A term popular in the delightful South Yorkshire hamlet of Barnsley and its environs, meaning to soil oneself accidentally.
bacardi bruiser – A drunk lady who chooses to fight rather than cry
Bacardi geezer – A bloke who quite inexplicably chooses to quaff women’s drinks such as Bacardi Breezers instead of beer
bacca wrapper – A particularly long, loud, wet, and rattling guff.
backbench rebellion – A backside revolt, usually occurring the morning after a particularly hot curry.
back beauty – A woman who appears to be attractive from behind, but when viewed from the front is a bit of a horse.
backfire – To gull with such volume as to startle a police horse.
back one out – to have a dump
back pocket rocket – A dump that shoots out at high speed and disappears round the bend, leaving no trace whatsoever that and making you wonder whether you’ve been at all or if you just imagined the whole thing.
back seat driver – A car passenger situated in the rear of the vehicle who, by giving “helpful” tips and advice to the driver, thinks they stand a chance of getting them to drive more safely.
backwards burp – a guff
bacne – spots on the someone’s back
bacon belt – The unstylish lardy spare tyre visible between the fashionable hipster jeans and modish crop top of a fat bird.
bacon powder – Illicit, particulate substance much favoured by showbiz types.
badass – Descriptive of someone who is suffering from piles.
badunkadunk – A large backside.
bag for life - A revolutionary 21st century device for carrying your organic produce out of the supermarket and hoisting them into the boot of your electric-powered Lexus 4X4. Similar to an old-fashoined shopping bag but with the added advantage that it combats global warming, reverses El Ninos, and thus prevents polar bear cubs from drowning in the Gulf Stream. Also what a gentleman receives after his wedding vows.
bagsy – An exclamation used to make a claim upon something, based solely on the legal precedent that the one who speaks first has primary rights of ownership.
bahdumb, bahdish – The sound of a drummer pointing out where the joke are in Jay Leno’s script on the Tonight Show. Also the sound of a dump exiting and momentarily later hitting the water.
bake one – To not go for a dump when you really ought to, ie at a music festival.
baker’s ache – the stomach ache experienced after not going for a dump when you really ought to.
Balham ballet – The intricate, yet graceful movements of a drunk on any South London high street.
bally heck – Wartime form of cursing when swearing was rationed.
bampot – A survivor of the mental health system.
Bangladeshi bagpipes – A musical instrument played in curry house toilets.
bannistered – To be so drunk that your mates have to carry you home. Derived from the state that record-breaking athlete Roger Bannister was in after he crossed the finishing line after running the first sub 4-minute mile.
bannocks – Unappetising Scottish bread buns. Also a Scottish cuss word.
barbecue sauce – Cheap, yet strangely potent bottled lager swilled down by the man of the house in order to keep cool when bending over a tray of blazing charcoal lumps in the back garden whilst wearing a humourous apron.
barf bag – Sick bag as used on aeroplanes.
bargoyles – Hideously ugly female pub fixtures.
bark carrots – To be sick.
barn door gentleman – Term used to describe a clumsy fellow.
barney rubble – Materials used in a street fight eg pavement slabs.
Barnsley briefcase – A Netto or Aldi bag carried into work each day by one who is employed in the service industry in the South Yorkshire town. Typical contents include a pre-packed sandwich, a bottle of water, a copy of the Sun, and a biro which pokes out of the bottom of the bag.
bateau mouche – A dump that is so satisfyingly large that that one could easily imagine it being used to take tourists along the Seine.
battlecry – A loud and stirring guff that signals the declaration of war to a particularly troublesome dump.
batulence – Extremely high-pitched guff which only creatures of the order Chiroptra are able to hear.
Big Brother Contestant – A person who appears pleasant enough at first, but actually turns out to be a right idiot.
bed bellows – The action of a man who has just guffed in bed, who lifts and lowers his leg in order to flap the quilt up and down and thus bring the benefits of his effort to the attention of his bird lying next to him.
bedruggled – Describes the appearance of one who has aged beyond their years due to an enormous intake of illicit pharmaceuticals and/or booze eg Keith Richards
Bee Gees bite – The first mouthful of an extremely hot foodstuff, such as a McDonald’s apple pie, that causes the eater to involuntarily perform “ah-ha-ha-ha” in the style of the intro to the Isle of Man warbler’s tune Stayin’ Alive.
beef cloud – a guff that smells like one has just opened a very old tin of dog food.
beerache – The painful affliction of the eardrum usually experienced after returning home drunk and late. Like tinnitus, but with an annoying woman’s voice instead of bells.
beer angel – The unseen guiding force that watches over and keeps safe the inebriated as they try and stagger across a busy road, ie all 6 lanes of the North Circular.
beer armour – The invisible protective clothing that prevents injury on the way home from the pub by shielding the body from all sensation of damage on contact with the pavement.
beer baby – A large booze-induced gut.
beer badly – A popular turn of phrase describing a person’s wellbeing after a hard night on the pop.
beer buggy – A shopping trolley.
beer callipers – Miraculous leg splints which enable drunk revellers to stagger home at closing time.
beer coat – An invisible, yet warm overcoat worn by those walking back from a club at 3 in the morning in the middle of winter.
beer compass – A homing device that explains your inexplicable safe arrival at home after a night on the booze.
beer cones – Invisible contraflow system surrounding a drunkard meandering up the road, allowing traffic to move freely around him.
beer degree – A qualification attained after a sufficient intake of alcohol, which enables the holder to talk at length and with complete authority on any given topic.
beer facelift – Subjective cosmetic surgical procedure which is only visible to drunk men.
beer goggles – Booze-fuelled optical aids that make women look a lot more attractive than they actually are.
beer halo – An alcohol-induced feeling of self-righteousness.
beeriod – Twice-weekly affliction suffered by men after a night on the beer. Symptoms include headache, mood swings, and a bloated stomach.
beer lag – The disruption to human sleeping patterns encountered after intense lunchtime drinking which leaves one unable to keep one’s eyes open for Eastenders but wide awake at 2 in the morning.
beerlarious – Something only amusing when drunk ie putting a traffic cone on a statue’s head.
beer monkey – A mythical simian creature which, during a drunken slumber, sneaks into your bed, ruffles your hair, steals your money, and has a dump in your mouth.
beermuffs – Invisible ear defenders that attach themselves to a man’s head after several pints, rendering him unable to hold a conversation without shouting.
beer mugger – The unseen assailant you discover has hit you over the head and taken £50 out of your wallet the morning after you “nip out for a swift pint.”
beero – A person who, aided by the consumption of several pints of lager, is prepared to engage in acts of incredible heroism ie squaring up to 4 bouncers at the same time.
beer plugs – Alcoholic sound level inhibitors which occasion a total lack of response to any form of auditory stimulation. Beer plugs allow the wearer to remain happily sound asleep in the midst of such high volumes as a nightclub PA system, a fire alarm, or the police kicking his door in.
beer pressure – When your mates encourage you to drink more than you feel comfortable with.
beer scooter – Miraculous method of transport employed when leaving the pub after drinking an elegant sufficiency of alcohol. So-called because one returns home seemingly in no time and at an incredible velocity.
beer shoes – Golves
beer sniper – An invisible marksman who silently “takes out” drunkards, causing them to collapse in the street, fall off bar stools, and crash off the stage whilst attempting to sing karaoke.
beer whistle – At a football match, the invisible sound given 10 minutes before half time that causes a mass exodus of gentlemen to go to the toilet and then buy a pie and a pint.
beerwolf – One who wakes up in unfamiliar surroundings with torn clothes, aching limbs, the taste of blood in his mouth, and suffering from nightmarish flashbacks to terrible events which occurred the previous evening.
Beethoven’s 5th – A large, loud guff that may leave the performer deaf.
Begone, Demon Lord of Karanga! – A phrase uttered by an individual when trying to flush away a particularly stubborn dump.
Belfast taxi – A battery-powered shopping scooter for old people too fat or idle to walk.
Belfast tickle stick – A baseball bat, length of iron, a length of two-by-four etc.
Belgian – In the world of chocolates, twice as expensive as normal.
belle of the dole – A recently dumped 30-something mother who gets all done up to the nines to go and sign on, in order to demonstrate that she is better than all the other single mums she has spent years berating.
benefit buddies – The group of lonely OAP’s and unemployable misfits who gather outside the Post Office half an hour before it opens just to talk to one another.
I thought Viz had been 'long put to bed' TBH
see that, DL has actually used a popular acronym haha
see that, DL has actually used a popular acronym haha
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