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"I'm scared crapless"

I apologise for this, as this belongs in the life forum, but I can't post there at the moment, and I really need to write.

I've been concerned for the longest of times about what I could do in life. Computer games was never an option. I had to be a scientist, a vet... I needed business studies, two B's and a C. Even Key Skills is acceptable, come for an Open Day.

And twirling around in my head was this thought that perhaps all these grades, all these brochures that thousands of other kids will be looking at... "You're good at computers, why don't you study I.T. in college?"

And through all this time I've watched, learned, and pondered... but I've never questioned. I've never asked why.

Why exactly do we have to go into jobs like this, isn't there anything else?

I have a story that won't take too much of your time, some of you may have heard before.

It was on the verge of the beginning of the third chapter, if we say that the first is a story with no words... I was recovering from my suicide attempt, finally making peace with myself, but still with no idea if I was to live or die.

Blond haired doodlers surround me, asking what I want to be in life. I've never really taken it seriously, other than saying the obvious "alive" answer... and it now finally came to a Government scheme.

We tick boxes to see who we are, another of those "catagory B" things, where everybody can be narrowed down into groups. Hell, forgive me for thinking that perhaps we are that extra bit different, but it seems work does not comply with those rules. The leaders and the workers... nobody inbetween.

Tick boxes. 1 for "dislike the most" and 5 for "enjoy the most"... questions like "Working with animals", "Scrubing the feet of old people", "Wondering why you're sat behind a desk doing nothing for most of your life"...

29 smiles surround me, ticking in unison, asking what everyone else put.

Sorry, no... I don't want to bath old people. I don't have any concern with being outside or inside. I don't want to kill someone, and I most definitely do not want to have to stick my arm up a cow. Probably a strange experience, but not as a job, thanks.

Like a room full of jars, simply waiting to be labelled, we sat once more, and the rest of the class recieves a printed paper, with percentages for their most likely jobs. Some get 93% Doctor, 84% fashion designer, 32% politics campaigner.

I wonder why mine wasn't handed out, and go to see the teacher.

"The computer couldn't do yours. It just printed out "error"."

Error.

"What are you going to be, Mark?"

"A doctor."

"What about you, Chris?"

"I'm going to run my own business."

"Darren?"

"I got an error."

ERROR. If I get rich, famous, and I've got a good enough story to tell... when I do my autobiography, that's going to be my title.

Two or so years on, I'm sitting at my desk typing this. And it's beginning to sink in.

No longer can I learn anything from my school, which isn't anyone's fault but my own. I don't fit in with this exam business. I don't fit in with college, and I certainly don't fit in with any job you're likely to get with all those wonderful things. I'll be proud to never get them, not because I'm Fred Durst, but because I believe there is more to life than being judged by how much you can learn before you get bored.

So that's what I'm doing. I'm leaving school.

So rash, oh so rash. But this is the end of the story, and I've yet to tell you the middle.

After my error, I tried to find something that at the very LEAST I could enjoy. It was difficult. Very difficult.

I had the stories on here. That was a start... I enjoyed them, and I knew if I worked hard enough I could become good with them.

But no... words were never my strong point. I love to read all the fascinating words that people use... the ones you have to look up in a dictionary to understand... but to me, as a writer at least, that seems pointless. Communication is so much more important to me, and to get something across by using a simpler word, so more people can understand it, I'm much happier, and it's much easier.

However, simple words don't sell books. And it's a shame, because I for one am happy to read them, as long as the story is great and the characters appeal to me. I get a kick from it, usually in the teeth of one of my hidden emotions. That's always great.

Then was the film director, which my parents were very happy to hear. But, of course, logic came into that. I was doing Maths, Tech and IT at A-Level. How the hell could I do a course, and definitely, that was the only way out.

It was a combination of Edge and these forums that then sparked me off onto games design. I tried looking for things to do for college...

And then that question came back. The one that's going to haunt me for as long as I live, because of my inital refusal to ask it.

Why?

Why do I need to learn programming, when all I want to do is create worlds, and characters?

I'm an entertainer, a story teller. I'm not a mathematician, I'm not a programmer, and don't even tell me to count polygons.

So the job with Rareware that I'd considered for a long time seemed like a good option. The plan was, to make an animation... something I could use to improve my skills with, and hopefully, by the time I leave school, I'd be at a stage where I could compete with the best. And then, when I'm in, I might... *just* might, be able to work up to game designer. Be given a chance to make a game.

Why?

I now also know that's not going to happen. I have to be as calculated as I can... and through all the work I've done, and all the animating I've done... it's not for me. I love to design, and making the models is great fun, because I get a chance to speak my mind for a change... but then, I'm not very professional. I wouldn't be able to make low poly characters, or even animate FMV sequences. I can just about direct, but I can't make legs move, or heads stay the same size when someone is walking... I can hardly make mouths open and close to one word, for crying out loud. :0)

So, once again, someone else saves me, and I don't really have to think for myself so much. Rareware offer a new job.

Games Designer.

They want a CV, and a design brief of a game... The game I've been saving for a long time, the one none of you know about...

I've just about finished the brief. I've got to check it over, and I've got to make sure it's got everything I want to say on. I need to write a letter, something to catch their eye... not by making it pretty, but by explaing who I am without having to resort to all these crappy "when i was eight years old i fell over" things that I hate so much but feel compelled to write about.

I need a CV. I haven't done anything. I need to convince them that I'm capable of doing something like this...

This will be sent off as soon as possible. Perhaps even tommorrow. I'm back on the football field again, hoping I can be picked because they know I'll go in goal for them.

And once again, that dreaded question...

Why?

And for once, I can answer it.

The world is full of people with stories. Stories about how they did this, and how they did that... and everyone, everyone over a certain age, has the same story. They all do, and it upsets me.

"If only."

If I had done that, then I would be there. If I had done this, I wouldn't be here.

If I don't leave school, and if I don't apply for this job... and I mean, now, this second... I am going to lose my chance. And that CANNOT happen. Not to me, not to anybody. It shouldn't, and it can't.

I WILL get this job. This isn't something I'm telling myself to keep my confidence high... and it isn't an egotistical thing either. I'm not sure what it is. I can't even tell you why... but this time it's a good feeling, something that can't be explained... but in the same way, I know I'm on the right track. We're all here for a reason. I don't know what the reason is... it may not even be to make games, I'll see in years to come... but for once, at last, for once now, I feel I'm on the right track.

But I'm scared. Scared of change, scared of failure... and once again, I don't know why.

Good luck to you all... but whatever happens to me, now, I can't help but think this is the end of chapter three, short as it was.

God I'm scared.

Thanks guys, you really do mean a lot to me.

Not long to go now.

You know Grix, I honeslty wish you all the best.

Why? Because you're my friend, at least I like to think so. I'm in the same position as you... I may not have had the same things happen in life, but I've come to the stage when College doesn't do anything for me.

I'm scared of change. I'm fairly insecure as it is, but change above all is something I don't do well.

You're one of the most honest and straight forward charaters i've ever met...

You'll do well... i'm sure of it.

Okay, I'm going to try and stop from talking about myself here, but I might need to use me for a few comparisons. {:)

Change is scary, damn right. Although I don't particurlarly like school (dang, already talking about myself,) I get nervous just thinking about going to Uni, or trying to get myself a decent job in journalism, and being an author looks so far away at the moment. I don't like change at all, but usually, once it's over with it's actually better than it was before. Unless of course it's a change for the worst, but for you Grix, hopefully it'll be for the better.

Okay, I don't really know what I'm talking about here, so I wish you good luck mate, you certainly deserve it.

Yeah, you've just got to find the platform on which to tell your story... :0)

And yup, I'll always help with our game. We can't do anything ourselves at the moment now, though... it's down to the programmers to get a decent engine going.

Good luck to you Mr Grix .

You'll still work on our game though, right? ;-)

My main problem with all of my creative desires is apathy.

I want to write this novel, but the words won't come down from my head and onto the paper. Plus I'm good at coming up with new ideas, but not carrying them through!

I also keep thinking that it might well make a better film than a book - maybe I should turn it into a script?

Then there are the games.

How I would love to design games.

But I don't have the first idea of where to start to look for such work.

Though it's great news that there are so many new UK developers springing up.

I guess I just like stories, and haven't decided how best I can tell mine yet?

"However, simple words don't sell books"



Yes, they do. There is a writers phrase which goes like this:

"Write to express, not to impress."

There's no point in using long complicated words, as most people won't understand them. If you write to express, and do this well, then people will be impressed. Without the need for long, complicated, stupid words.

I wish you luck Grix, and I hope it all works out for you. Just remember one thing; You're young, and you have your whole life ahead of you. If you don't find the dream job straight away, or you don't get the job, don't worry. There's plenty more time for you to get where you're going.

And you WILL get there. Trust me.

Inspiring. I'm not one to really tell you where you should go in your life, that's up to you. All I can do, is guide you there. From what I've seen, you're a very talented person. Yet, there is one main problem with you - faith. You don't believe in yourself enough and as a result, don't think you're capable of things you can do without thought.

Your animations are superb. You enjoy doing them. You like writing stories.

They are enjoyable to read. Both of these qualities could
be used in the gaming industry.

Storylines and graphics.

You've obviously been thinking about this for a long time and you should take the required steps across the rocky bridge, to reach the otherside.

And pb, seriously, no grades required.

That made a strange amount of sense.

Still, thanks for the replies. Anyone can walk into a company, and ask to sit behind a desk for 8 hours a day...

But this? Me?

pb wrote:
One day I'll see the bus that will take me where I want to go, and you can rest assured I'll be on it.

Unless you live in Bristol, where you wait ages for a bus, then 3 come along at once. The first two are usually full up before you get on and the last one isn't going where you want it to but still you get on because it's raining. (This is as deep as I get).