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I apologise for this, as this belongs in the life forum, but I can't post there at the moment, and I really need to write.
I've been concerned for the longest of times about what I could do in life. Computer games was never an option. I had to be a scientist, a vet... I needed business studies, two B's and a C. Even Key Skills is acceptable, come for an Open Day.
And twirling around in my head was this thought that perhaps all these grades, all these brochures that thousands of other kids will be looking at... "You're good at computers, why don't you study I.T. in college?"
And through all this time I've watched, learned, and pondered... but I've never questioned. I've never asked why.
Why exactly do we have to go into jobs like this, isn't there anything else?
I have a story that won't take too much of your time, some of you may have heard before.
It was on the verge of the beginning of the third chapter, if we say that the first is a story with no words... I was recovering from my suicide attempt, finally making peace with myself, but still with no idea if I was to live or die.
Blond haired doodlers surround me, asking what I want to be in life. I've never really taken it seriously, other than saying the obvious "alive" answer... and it now finally came to a Government scheme.
We tick boxes to see who we are, another of those "catagory B" things, where everybody can be narrowed down into groups. Hell, forgive me for thinking that perhaps we are that extra bit different, but it seems work does not comply with those rules. The leaders and the workers... nobody inbetween.
Tick boxes. 1 for "dislike the most" and 5 for "enjoy the most"... questions like "Working with animals", "Scrubing the feet of old people", "Wondering why you're sat behind a desk doing nothing for most of your life"...
29 smiles surround me, ticking in unison, asking what everyone else put.
Sorry, no... I don't want to bath old people. I don't have any concern with being outside or inside. I don't want to kill someone, and I most definitely do not want to have to stick my arm up a cow. Probably a strange experience, but not as a job, thanks.
Like a room full of jars, simply waiting to be labelled, we sat once more, and the rest of the class recieves a printed paper, with percentages for their most likely jobs. Some get 93% Doctor, 84% fashion designer, 32% politics campaigner.
I wonder why mine wasn't handed out, and go to see the teacher.
"The computer couldn't do yours. It just printed out "error"."
Error.
"What are you going to be, Mark?"
"A doctor."
"What about you, Chris?"
"I'm going to run my own business."
"Darren?"
"I got an error."
ERROR. If I get rich, famous, and I've got a good enough story to tell... when I do my autobiography, that's going to be my title.
Two or so years on, I'm sitting at my desk typing this. And it's beginning to sink in.
No longer can I learn anything from my school, which isn't anyone's fault but my own. I don't fit in with this exam business. I don't fit in with college, and I certainly don't fit in with any job you're likely to get with all those wonderful things. I'll be proud to never get them, not because I'm Fred Durst, but because I believe there is more to life than being judged by how much you can learn before you get bored.
So that's what I'm doing. I'm leaving school.
So rash, oh so rash. But this is the end of the story, and I've yet to tell you the middle.
After my error, I tried to find something that at the very LEAST I could enjoy. It was difficult. Very difficult.
I had the stories on here. That was a start... I enjoyed them, and I knew if I worked hard enough I could become good with them.
But no... words were never my strong point. I love to read all the fascinating words that people use... the ones you have to look up in a dictionary to understand... but to me, as a writer at least, that seems pointless. Communication is so much more important to me, and to get something across by using a simpler word, so more people can understand it, I'm much happier, and it's much easier.
However, simple words don't sell books. And it's a shame, because I for one am happy to read them, as long as the story is great and the characters appeal to me. I get a kick from it, usually in the teeth of one of my hidden emotions. That's always great.
Then was the film director, which my parents were very happy to hear. But, of course, logic came into that. I was doing Maths, Tech and IT at A-Level. How the hell could I do a course, and definitely, that was the only way out.
It was a combination of Edge and these forums that then sparked me off onto games design. I tried looking for things to do for college...
And then that question came back. The one that's going to haunt me for as long as I live, because of my inital refusal to ask it.
Why?
Why do I need to learn programming, when all I want to do is create worlds, and characters?
I'm an entertainer, a story teller. I'm not a mathematician, I'm not a programmer, and don't even tell me to count polygons.
So the job with Rareware that I'd considered for a long time seemed like a good option. The plan was, to make an animation... something I could use to improve my skills with, and hopefully, by the time I leave school, I'd be at a stage where I could compete with the best. And then, when I'm in, I might... *just* might, be able to work up to game designer. Be given a chance to make a game.
Why?
I now also know that's not going to happen. I have to be as calculated as I can... and through all the work I've done, and all the animating I've done... it's not for me. I love to design, and making the models is great fun, because I get a chance to speak my mind for a change... but then, I'm not very professional. I wouldn't be able to make low poly characters, or even animate FMV sequences. I can just about direct, but I can't make legs move, or heads stay the same size when someone is walking... I can hardly make mouths open and close to one word, for crying out loud. :0)
So, once again, someone else saves me, and I don't really have to think for myself so much. Rareware offer a new job.
Games Designer.
They want a CV, and a design brief of a game... The game I've been saving for a long time, the one none of you know about...
I've just about finished the brief. I've got to check it over, and I've got to make sure it's got everything I want to say on. I need to write a letter, something to catch their eye... not by making it pretty, but by explaing who I am without having to resort to all these crappy "when i was eight years old i fell over" things that I hate so much but feel compelled to write about.
I need a CV. I haven't done anything. I need to convince them that I'm capable of doing something like this...
This will be sent off as soon as possible. Perhaps even tommorrow. I'm back on the football field again, hoping I can be picked because they know I'll go in goal for them.
And once again, that dreaded question...
Why?
And for once, I can answer it.
The world is full of people with stories. Stories about how they did this, and how they did that... and everyone, everyone over a certain age, has the same story. They all do, and it upsets me.
"If only."
If I had done that, then I would be there. If I had done this, I wouldn't be here.
If I don't leave school, and if I don't apply for this job... and I mean, now, this second... I am going to lose my chance. And that CANNOT happen. Not to me, not to anybody. It shouldn't, and it can't.
I WILL get this job. This isn't something I'm telling myself to keep my confidence high... and it isn't an egotistical thing either. I'm not sure what it is. I can't even tell you why... but this time it's a good feeling, something that can't be explained... but in the same way, I know I'm on the right track. We're all here for a reason. I don't know what the reason is... it may not even be to make games, I'll see in years to come... but for once, at last, for once now, I feel I'm on the right track.
But I'm scared. Scared of change, scared of failure... and once again, I don't know why.
Good luck to you all... but whatever happens to me, now, I can't help but think this is the end of chapter three, short as it was.
God I'm scared.
I've been concerned for the longest of times about what I could do in life. Computer games was never an option. I had to be a scientist, a vet... I needed business studies, two B's and a C. Even Key Skills is acceptable, come for an Open Day.
And twirling around in my head was this thought that perhaps all these grades, all these brochures that thousands of other kids will be looking at... "You're good at computers, why don't you study I.T. in college?"
And through all this time I've watched, learned, and pondered... but I've never questioned. I've never asked why.
Why exactly do we have to go into jobs like this, isn't there anything else?
I have a story that won't take too much of your time, some of you may have heard before.
It was on the verge of the beginning of the third chapter, if we say that the first is a story with no words... I was recovering from my suicide attempt, finally making peace with myself, but still with no idea if I was to live or die.
Blond haired doodlers surround me, asking what I want to be in life. I've never really taken it seriously, other than saying the obvious "alive" answer... and it now finally came to a Government scheme.
We tick boxes to see who we are, another of those "catagory B" things, where everybody can be narrowed down into groups. Hell, forgive me for thinking that perhaps we are that extra bit different, but it seems work does not comply with those rules. The leaders and the workers... nobody inbetween.
Tick boxes. 1 for "dislike the most" and 5 for "enjoy the most"... questions like "Working with animals", "Scrubing the feet of old people", "Wondering why you're sat behind a desk doing nothing for most of your life"...
29 smiles surround me, ticking in unison, asking what everyone else put.
Sorry, no... I don't want to bath old people. I don't have any concern with being outside or inside. I don't want to kill someone, and I most definitely do not want to have to stick my arm up a cow. Probably a strange experience, but not as a job, thanks.
Like a room full of jars, simply waiting to be labelled, we sat once more, and the rest of the class recieves a printed paper, with percentages for their most likely jobs. Some get 93% Doctor, 84% fashion designer, 32% politics campaigner.
I wonder why mine wasn't handed out, and go to see the teacher.
"The computer couldn't do yours. It just printed out "error"."
Error.
"What are you going to be, Mark?"
"A doctor."
"What about you, Chris?"
"I'm going to run my own business."
"Darren?"
"I got an error."
ERROR. If I get rich, famous, and I've got a good enough story to tell... when I do my autobiography, that's going to be my title.
Two or so years on, I'm sitting at my desk typing this. And it's beginning to sink in.
No longer can I learn anything from my school, which isn't anyone's fault but my own. I don't fit in with this exam business. I don't fit in with college, and I certainly don't fit in with any job you're likely to get with all those wonderful things. I'll be proud to never get them, not because I'm Fred Durst, but because I believe there is more to life than being judged by how much you can learn before you get bored.
So that's what I'm doing. I'm leaving school.
So rash, oh so rash. But this is the end of the story, and I've yet to tell you the middle.
After my error, I tried to find something that at the very LEAST I could enjoy. It was difficult. Very difficult.
I had the stories on here. That was a start... I enjoyed them, and I knew if I worked hard enough I could become good with them.
But no... words were never my strong point. I love to read all the fascinating words that people use... the ones you have to look up in a dictionary to understand... but to me, as a writer at least, that seems pointless. Communication is so much more important to me, and to get something across by using a simpler word, so more people can understand it, I'm much happier, and it's much easier.
However, simple words don't sell books. And it's a shame, because I for one am happy to read them, as long as the story is great and the characters appeal to me. I get a kick from it, usually in the teeth of one of my hidden emotions. That's always great.
Then was the film director, which my parents were very happy to hear. But, of course, logic came into that. I was doing Maths, Tech and IT at A-Level. How the hell could I do a course, and definitely, that was the only way out.
It was a combination of Edge and these forums that then sparked me off onto games design. I tried looking for things to do for college...
And then that question came back. The one that's going to haunt me for as long as I live, because of my inital refusal to ask it.
Why?
Why do I need to learn programming, when all I want to do is create worlds, and characters?
I'm an entertainer, a story teller. I'm not a mathematician, I'm not a programmer, and don't even tell me to count polygons.
So the job with Rareware that I'd considered for a long time seemed like a good option. The plan was, to make an animation... something I could use to improve my skills with, and hopefully, by the time I leave school, I'd be at a stage where I could compete with the best. And then, when I'm in, I might... *just* might, be able to work up to game designer. Be given a chance to make a game.
Why?
I now also know that's not going to happen. I have to be as calculated as I can... and through all the work I've done, and all the animating I've done... it's not for me. I love to design, and making the models is great fun, because I get a chance to speak my mind for a change... but then, I'm not very professional. I wouldn't be able to make low poly characters, or even animate FMV sequences. I can just about direct, but I can't make legs move, or heads stay the same size when someone is walking... I can hardly make mouths open and close to one word, for crying out loud. :0)
So, once again, someone else saves me, and I don't really have to think for myself so much. Rareware offer a new job.
Games Designer.
They want a CV, and a design brief of a game... The game I've been saving for a long time, the one none of you know about...
I've just about finished the brief. I've got to check it over, and I've got to make sure it's got everything I want to say on. I need to write a letter, something to catch their eye... not by making it pretty, but by explaing who I am without having to resort to all these crappy "when i was eight years old i fell over" things that I hate so much but feel compelled to write about.
I need a CV. I haven't done anything. I need to convince them that I'm capable of doing something like this...
This will be sent off as soon as possible. Perhaps even tommorrow. I'm back on the football field again, hoping I can be picked because they know I'll go in goal for them.
And once again, that dreaded question...
Why?
And for once, I can answer it.
The world is full of people with stories. Stories about how they did this, and how they did that... and everyone, everyone over a certain age, has the same story. They all do, and it upsets me.
"If only."
If I had done that, then I would be there. If I had done this, I wouldn't be here.
If I don't leave school, and if I don't apply for this job... and I mean, now, this second... I am going to lose my chance. And that CANNOT happen. Not to me, not to anybody. It shouldn't, and it can't.
I WILL get this job. This isn't something I'm telling myself to keep my confidence high... and it isn't an egotistical thing either. I'm not sure what it is. I can't even tell you why... but this time it's a good feeling, something that can't be explained... but in the same way, I know I'm on the right track. We're all here for a reason. I don't know what the reason is... it may not even be to make games, I'll see in years to come... but for once, at last, for once now, I feel I'm on the right track.
But I'm scared. Scared of change, scared of failure... and once again, I don't know why.
Good luck to you all... but whatever happens to me, now, I can't help but think this is the end of chapter three, short as it was.
God I'm scared.
Page:
Sort of bad news.
My form tutor's Son apparently applied for GameDesigner at Rareware and was turned down.
Only this guy had a 1st honours degree in computer science, geared towards games (he actually made a game - sounds similar to Venombytes course).
Rare gave him a surprise test consisting of many questions that he failed because some of it had been from his first years out of his course and they'd not warned him to revise.
The fact that a perfect qualified graduate didn't make the grade probbably points to how Rare probably favour experience.
Still go for the job, but have a back-up plan ready.
If they say you're not ready for full on games design then try for say an artist/tester/some_other_job_where_you_gain_
the_experience_needed_to_move_up_to_designing...
If you're anything like me, you'll have loads of top ideas but know jack about how to implement them... :-D
Now we have the vision, we just need to learn how to paint it! :-)
If you do come down to Warkshire/Leicestershire for the job, that'll be pretty cool.
After one and a half years I might finally meet the man behind the Grix name... :-)
My form tutor's Son apparently applied for GameDesigner at Rareware and was turned down.
Only this guy had a 1st honours degree in computer science, geared towards games (he actually made a game - sounds similar to Venombytes course).
Rare gave him a surprise test consisting of many questions that he failed because some of it had been from his first years out of his course and they'd not warned him to revise.
The fact that a perfect qualified graduate didn't make the grade probbably points to how Rare probably favour experience.
Still go for the job, but have a back-up plan ready.
If they say you're not ready for full on games design then try for say an artist/tester/some_other_job_where_you_gain_
the_experience_needed_to_move_up_to_designing...
If you're anything like me, you'll have loads of top ideas but know jack about how to implement them... :-D
Now we have the vision, we just need to learn how to paint it! :-)
If you do come down to Warkshire/Leicestershire for the job, that'll be pretty cool.
After one and a half years I might finally meet the man behind the Grix name... :-)
*FM orders his FAILED stamp and ink pad in preparation for any games coming out on the Gamecube*
*signs up FM as lead tester*
Muhaa hahahaaa
Muhaa hahahaaa
Grix Thraves wrote:
> Think I actually got Fashion Designer in the Kudos thing...
hm, sounds worrying. Fashion Designer + Programming = signed up by Matel. FM should be quaking in his boots at the thought of a Swordspines Barbie fashion designer game!
> Think I actually got Fashion Designer in the Kudos thing...
hm, sounds worrying. Fashion Designer + Programming = signed up by Matel. FM should be quaking in his boots at the thought of a Swordspines Barbie fashion designer game!
Think I actually got Fashion Designer in the Kudos thing...
So got bored with that, and said I hated everything instead.
Guess what job I was told to get? :D
Radio DJ.
So got bored with that, and said I hated everything instead.
Guess what job I was told to get? :D
Radio DJ.
Grix Thraves wrote:
And yup, I'll always help with our game. We can't do anything ourselves
> at the moment now, though... it's down to the programmers to get a decent engine
> going.
That's it, pass the buck ;)
Seriously though, it's going to be helpful if we have at least something to work with. Knock up a rough design for the map of part of a level, along with the main in-game screen design, and we'll get the graphics guys to make some preliminary images and a character sprite. Once that's done we'll be able to sort out some kind of engine for moving a sprite around the map, with some kind of 'edge detection'.
After that, we'll have a think about what needs to be done next.
-------
Now back to the main topic....
Grix, if you don't become a games designer, the games industry will lose out more than it could ever know. You'd better get in ;)
Myself, I've always vaguely known I wanted to make games. That was what I told people when I was a kid, when they asked what I wanted to do when I grew up.
Of course, they thought I'd grow out of it ;)
Eventually, I opted to let on that I didn't really know what I wanted to do. See if any other avenues took my fancy. I programmed a little in BASIC, but never got serious about it. Saw adverts in Edge for positions as a games programmer. Needed a 2:1 or higher in Computer Science or related discipline, apparently...
I did the Kudos career selector thingy a few years later... year 5 or 6 (of secondary school). I got back a 100% match in physics, and a high 80's match for computing and maths (Choosing a 'dislike very much' to the idea of accounting might've dropped them a bit..)
So I drifted along for all those years, always knowing vaguely what direction I was going in. Now I'm in the second year of my degree, and I really have to start making things happen now. I already intend to make a GBA game for my third year project, and the one we're making as a group will be a lot of fun, too.
So presumably, I'll pass my degree. I should get a first... but I fear my laziness may set me back to a 2:1. After I graduate... I guess I'll have to find a local job someplace for a while. Have to learn to drive sometime, too ;)
Then it's time to apply for a job as a games programmer... lord knows where I'll apply, or what'll happen if I get the job...
And yup, I'll always help with our game. We can't do anything ourselves
> at the moment now, though... it's down to the programmers to get a decent engine
> going.
That's it, pass the buck ;)
Seriously though, it's going to be helpful if we have at least something to work with. Knock up a rough design for the map of part of a level, along with the main in-game screen design, and we'll get the graphics guys to make some preliminary images and a character sprite. Once that's done we'll be able to sort out some kind of engine for moving a sprite around the map, with some kind of 'edge detection'.
After that, we'll have a think about what needs to be done next.
-------
Now back to the main topic....
Grix, if you don't become a games designer, the games industry will lose out more than it could ever know. You'd better get in ;)
Myself, I've always vaguely known I wanted to make games. That was what I told people when I was a kid, when they asked what I wanted to do when I grew up.
Of course, they thought I'd grow out of it ;)
Eventually, I opted to let on that I didn't really know what I wanted to do. See if any other avenues took my fancy. I programmed a little in BASIC, but never got serious about it. Saw adverts in Edge for positions as a games programmer. Needed a 2:1 or higher in Computer Science or related discipline, apparently...
I did the Kudos career selector thingy a few years later... year 5 or 6 (of secondary school). I got back a 100% match in physics, and a high 80's match for computing and maths (Choosing a 'dislike very much' to the idea of accounting might've dropped them a bit..)
So I drifted along for all those years, always knowing vaguely what direction I was going in. Now I'm in the second year of my degree, and I really have to start making things happen now. I already intend to make a GBA game for my third year project, and the one we're making as a group will be a lot of fun, too.
So presumably, I'll pass my degree. I should get a first... but I fear my laziness may set me back to a 2:1. After I graduate... I guess I'll have to find a local job someplace for a while. Have to learn to drive sometime, too ;)
Then it's time to apply for a job as a games programmer... lord knows where I'll apply, or what'll happen if I get the job...
sorry, I haven't read all the replies (C'mon, it's late!) but one thing that post did make me think (more) about was how quickly many of us rush to be labelled, told what it is we will do, and not decide ourselves.
We have careers interviews at school. They tell you what you could do with the grades you are predicted. They tell you if your aspirations are attainable. But why do we need to be told. We can all use some guidance, but why do so many need to be told what they should do? And what they can't do. But if we want to do something, shouldn't we strive to do it, and not worry about whether others think we can do it or not?
And how quick we are to label someone on what they do. How often do we judge a persons characteristics by what job they do? And how much does it scare us when we wonder what we will do? There are tests to tell you what you can and can't do. I don't take them seriously. No test can tell me where I'll be in 10, 20 years time. I don't know, so how can a computer?
All I can really say is follow your dreams and follow your heart.And don't let others tell you what you can or can't do.
We have careers interviews at school. They tell you what you could do with the grades you are predicted. They tell you if your aspirations are attainable. But why do we need to be told. We can all use some guidance, but why do so many need to be told what they should do? And what they can't do. But if we want to do something, shouldn't we strive to do it, and not worry about whether others think we can do it or not?
And how quick we are to label someone on what they do. How often do we judge a persons characteristics by what job they do? And how much does it scare us when we wonder what we will do? There are tests to tell you what you can and can't do. I don't take them seriously. No test can tell me where I'll be in 10, 20 years time. I don't know, so how can a computer?
All I can really say is follow your dreams and follow your heart.And don't let others tell you what you can or can't do.
Think I'll talk about me for a bit before I get back to you :)
I just turned sixteen and doing my Highers this year, doing my mocks right now. I just went through the same thing you did but seemed to be easier for me and thanks for help :)
Anyway during primary I was quite and wasn't that great at work and was constantly told to stop looking out the window. I used to like doing that, that's like stop telling me to think freely anyway.
When I went to Secondary I was put in one of the worst classes imaginable... two of which have ended up pregnant and one is in jail or something. I was split up from my *mates* and all of a sudden all I did to get through day was work and became the smartest male in the year or something, even though I cared bogger all about school.
Then later I met some new friends and we rule... then my work wasn't as good, but I didn't care. I didn't study and still got top marks. Now its got to the point I'm nearly finished school and I have no idea what the hell I'm going to do.. I have all these people telling me that this is important and all that crap. All these people wanting to be accountants and all these bloody morons walking about.
So I have no idea what I'm going to do and I don't mind too much as its more interesting this way, and the more intersting people don't plan their future, well that's what I say.
When your older you can look back and say I got an ERROR I rule, when your peers will be in some 9-5 office job wasting their lifes...
I remember talking to my guidance teacher, she asked what I wanted to do in my future... I replied saying I had no idea. She insisted I must have some plans... I then replied:
" Mrs McMurray I don't want to be rude but when you where my age did you really plan that so many years later you would be in this freezing room asking me what I wanted to do? "
She replied no and said she wanted to be a vet and somehow I think she thought I ruled :)
Anyway I'm tired...
The best wishes in your job and I'm sure you'll do alright...
Oh yeah my little brother saw your trailer tonight, somehow and he said it rocked.
Sheepy
I just turned sixteen and doing my Highers this year, doing my mocks right now. I just went through the same thing you did but seemed to be easier for me and thanks for help :)
Anyway during primary I was quite and wasn't that great at work and was constantly told to stop looking out the window. I used to like doing that, that's like stop telling me to think freely anyway.
When I went to Secondary I was put in one of the worst classes imaginable... two of which have ended up pregnant and one is in jail or something. I was split up from my *mates* and all of a sudden all I did to get through day was work and became the smartest male in the year or something, even though I cared bogger all about school.
Then later I met some new friends and we rule... then my work wasn't as good, but I didn't care. I didn't study and still got top marks. Now its got to the point I'm nearly finished school and I have no idea what the hell I'm going to do.. I have all these people telling me that this is important and all that crap. All these people wanting to be accountants and all these bloody morons walking about.
So I have no idea what I'm going to do and I don't mind too much as its more interesting this way, and the more intersting people don't plan their future, well that's what I say.
When your older you can look back and say I got an ERROR I rule, when your peers will be in some 9-5 office job wasting their lifes...
I remember talking to my guidance teacher, she asked what I wanted to do in my future... I replied saying I had no idea. She insisted I must have some plans... I then replied:
" Mrs McMurray I don't want to be rude but when you where my age did you really plan that so many years later you would be in this freezing room asking me what I wanted to do? "
She replied no and said she wanted to be a vet and somehow I think she thought I ruled :)
Anyway I'm tired...
The best wishes in your job and I'm sure you'll do alright...
Oh yeah my little brother saw your trailer tonight, somehow and he said it rocked.
Sheepy
Damn... that only narrows it down to any time... :0)
Yeah, Grix, good luck in anything you do. I have a sneaky suspicion that you will find what you are looking for, probably when you least expect it.
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