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I got this in an e-mail today, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!
I hope SR will forgive me for using 'foul as**terisks' (as Tony calls them), but I feel there's nothing overly offensive - and to change the language would spoil it completely.
I also want to point out that I am an NTL cus**tomer, and this - whether it's genuine or not - in *no way* reflects the service I've had from them, which, while not without minor problems, has been more than satisfactory. And my cable modem has worked for 99.9% of the eight months I've had it.
Have fun.
-----
This letter was sent to NTL & is an absolute corker! Who says the British don't know how to complain?
57 xxxx Street
xxxxxx
xxxxxxxx
xxxx xxx
27-09-01
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL cus**tomer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and s**tupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
My initial ins**tallation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat a*se waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes lis**tening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website? How?
I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my tes**ticles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled ins**tallation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had s**till not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived a total of six weeks after I had reques**ted it, and begun to pay for it. I es**timate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35% - these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and mos**t of the useful periods over the weekend.
I am s**till waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinteres**ted individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled b*llock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman. and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at leas**t a thousand other dissatisfied cus**tomers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important tes**ticle-moments to attend to.
Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a cus**tomer to voice my frus**trations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were sh*t, that they had attained the holy p*ss-pot of god-awful cus**tomer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinteres**ted, less helpful or more obs**tructive to delivering service to their cus**tomers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?
How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of b*s**tards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of dis**tended rectum - incompetents of the highes**t order. British Telecom - w*nkers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy ques**t to receive any kind of service from you. I sugges**t that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catas**trophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly mois**t at the time of pos**ting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the las**t in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tw*ts!
I hope SR will forgive me for using 'foul as**terisks' (as Tony calls them), but I feel there's nothing overly offensive - and to change the language would spoil it completely.
I also want to point out that I am an NTL cus**tomer, and this - whether it's genuine or not - in *no way* reflects the service I've had from them, which, while not without minor problems, has been more than satisfactory. And my cable modem has worked for 99.9% of the eight months I've had it.
Have fun.
-----
This letter was sent to NTL & is an absolute corker! Who says the British don't know how to complain?
57 xxxx Street
xxxxxx
xxxxxxxx
xxxx xxx
27-09-01
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL cus**tomer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and s**tupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
My initial ins**tallation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat a*se waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes lis**tening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website? How?
I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my tes**ticles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled ins**tallation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had s**till not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived a total of six weeks after I had reques**ted it, and begun to pay for it. I es**timate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35% - these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and mos**t of the useful periods over the weekend.
I am s**till waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinteres**ted individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled b*llock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman. and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at leas**t a thousand other dissatisfied cus**tomers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important tes**ticle-moments to attend to.
Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a cus**tomer to voice my frus**trations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were sh*t, that they had attained the holy p*ss-pot of god-awful cus**tomer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinteres**ted, less helpful or more obs**tructive to delivering service to their cus**tomers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?
How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of b*s**tards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of dis**tended rectum - incompetents of the highes**t order. British Telecom - w*nkers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy ques**t to receive any kind of service from you. I sugges**t that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catas**trophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly mois**t at the time of pos**ting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the las**t in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tw*ts!
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Man, that was hilarious. I loved his use of language, and the variety of his insults. :D
The start, "Dear Cretins," was fantastic, and the lovely 'gift' he sent them was even better. Brilliant. :D
The start, "Dear Cretins," was fantastic, and the lovely 'gift' he sent them was even better. Brilliant. :D
Pure genius. The whole thing. Absolutely brilliant.
LOL! I loved the start, "Dear Cretins" :-D
LOL!
And to think, I nearly switched to NTL....
:D
And to think, I nearly switched to NTL....
:D
I've just had funny looks from everyone in the computer room for laughing so much.
This made me laugh so much, I used to have NTL but it ws free because I had NTL cable and a phone line, I never got any problems, although I probably had a different service. Thanks for that Wookiee.
I actually know the person who wrote that and he's amazed at how much it has been passed around the Internet
That is superb!
The person was none too happy then. :D
Funny stuff
I had no idea how bad NTL was until I saw Watchdog on BBC1 the other day
I had no idea how bad NTL was until I saw Watchdog on BBC1 the other day
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