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Parr (Narrator) – In the middle of nowhere in Midwestern America stood a lowly little town inhabited by only a few, pitiful residents. The town’s resident hero was Bazzman, a young man whose claim to fame was slaying a rapid snail with his bare hands. The town was run by the respectable sheriff Tony, and his hapless deputy, Beards. Everything in the town was fine and dandy until one day, the outsiders came….
Scene 1 – Dusty road approaching to town.
Maddmun – I don’t know about you lads but I’m bloody knackered!
Torticollis – Look, a town ahead. We can stay at the local inn to rest.
Dr Zeus – At last
Maddmun – I’m sure the resident will be friendly, at least they better be….
Dr Zeus – And what are you going to do if they aren’t, old man?
Maddmun – SHUT UP, SHUT UP!!
Torticollis – You are powerless old man!
Maddmun – Stop it! Be nice!
Parr: And so the three tired men approached the local inn for a place to stay, and beer. Lots of beer.
Scene 2 – Inside the bar
- Mojojojo is trying to impress the ladies by making them cocktails.
Drunk Cow – Oooh Mojo, you’re my hero
-Drunk cow takes sip from cocktail
Drunk Cow – EURGH! What the hell is this!?
Mojo – Tequila
Drunk Cow – And…
Mojo – Vodka
Drunk Cow – And…
Mojo – Vinegar….
Drunk Cow – Yuck, it’s awful!
Mojo – were still on for later though, yeah?
Drunk Cow – Damn right we are!
Parr: And all of a sudden the door to the bar swung open and in came three tough looking rogues with cowboy hats on.
- Gerbil Man and Tribute look up from their moonshine absinth at the 3 cowboys in the doorway.
Gerbil man – Hey, Hey you!
Maddmun – what?
Gerbil man – Who are you? What are you doing here?
Maddmun – We came for a place to stay, we have been on the road for 14 days now and are tired.
Torticollis – Understatement of the century
Maddmun – SHUT UP!
Tribute – We don’t take kindly to your type around here….
Maddmun – Ahhh come on, be nice
- Gerbil man collapses in a drunken heap on the floor and Tribute carries him out of the bar.
Maddmun – Bartender, 3 shots of tequila please
Mojo – Are you local?
Maddmun – No, were Texans
Drunk Cow – Is he local Mojo?
Maddmun – I just said, no, I’m from Texas.
Mojo – This is a local bar for local people, we don’t take kindly to your sort around here
Maddmun – But, we’re thirsty and tired.
Drunk Cow – Tell him the rules Mojo, honey.
Maddmun – Rules?
Mojo – The first rule of bar club is you do not talk about bar club, the second rule of bar club is no outsiders. S
- Drunk cow giggles
Maddmun – Can’t you make an exception, please?
Mojo – nahhh
Maddmun – Fine, but you’ll be sorry.
Torticollis – You’ll be real sorry you ever messed with the outsiders
Dr Zeus – What? Why are you looking at me?
-Parr: And so the 3 rogues left the bar and disappeared. The residents were scared of maddmun’s cheesy threat and Gerbil man died of alcohol poisoning.
Scene 3 – The local jailhouse
Tony – Beards, I’ve heard of a new guy in town, he goes by the name of Maddmun
Beards – Y,Y,Yes sir, he has been terrorising the residents with his wicked outsider ways.
Tony – I’ve been thinking about ways to sort the issue out
Beards – What was you thinking sir?
Tony – We could ban him from town, someone could sneak up on him and stick a sticker on his back saying, “User banned”.
Beards – Good idea sir
-Parr: All of a sudden the door opens and Bazzman struts in with Aliboy close behind him wearing a cape.
Bazzman – I will sort this outsider out, let me have the case Tony
Tony – No Bazzman, this would be trick for even the likes of you
Aliboy – na, na, na, na, na, na, BAZZMAN!
Tony – Sorry but no!
Bazzman – Fiddle sticks, well, I’ll have to do it behind your back sheriff
Tony – What?
Bazzman – Nothing, nothing…
Scene 4 – The bar. Bazzman and Aliboy are at the bar sipping their beers. Gerrid is sat in a fur coat with huge gold chains around his neck and Drunk Cow and P@st@ next to him, both wearing miniskirts.
Gerrid – Hey Bazzman, want a girl for the evening?
Bazzman – No, thanks.
Gerrid – Ahh come on Bazzman, you cant resist these beautiful ladies!
Drunk cow – Come on big boy
Bazzman – But drunk cow, you’re just a man in drag
- Drunk cow slaps Bazzman and walks on
P@st@ (in husky voice) – What about me, eh Bazzman?
Bazzman – um, well…
-Tribute runs into the bar panting.
Bazzman – What’s wrong Tribute?
Tribute – Just… let… me get…my…. breath...back…first…!
- 26 minutes and 8 packets of crisps later, Tribute is ready to talk.
Tribute – Someone has shot the Sheriff!
Tribute – Oh yeah, and his deputy!
Bazzman – Oh my!
Aliboy – Bazzman! na, na, na, na, na, na! Bazzman!
Bazzman – Aliboy, I’ve told you, you can’t say that in public!
-Parr: So Bazzman and Aliboy ran to the jailhouse to investigate the alleged murders. They find the bodies of Tony and Beards in a dramatically large pool of blood.
Bazzman – Hahaha, stop me investigating the case now will you Tony!
Aliboy – Bazzman…
Bazzman – I mean, erm, Oh my God, how sad…
Aliboy – That’s better….
Bazzman – Lets investigate!
Aliboy – Na, na, na, na…
Bazzman – Stop it!
-Parr: So the pair tracked back to the bar to question people. They returned to find Maddmun, Torticollis and Dr Zeus stood in the bar.
Bazzman – Hey you, outsiders!
Maddmun – Yeah?
Bazzman – The sheriff and the deputy have been found dead, and we think you killed them!
Maddmun – Well, I have a confession to make. I shot the sheriff, but I didn’t shoot the deputy!
Torticollis – I did!
Bazzman – Psycho’s – Why did you do it?
Maddmun – In the 19th century motives are incidental…
-Parr: The argument was interrupted by Gerrid bursting through the bar door.
Gerrid – Someone kidnapped my hookers!
Dr Zeus – It was me
Gerrid – God damn it boy!
-Gerrid shoots Dr Zeus in the gut
Dr Zeus – I’m feeling a little woozy here!
- Gerrid beats Dr Zeus to death with the barrel of his gun and struts out of the bar.
Bazzman – Crazy little town, ain’t it!
Mojo – One of the hookers is dead, damn
Bazzman – Sad isn’t it
Mojo – Well I wont be getting laid any more!
Maddmun - *Ahem* we’re still here
Bazzman – There’s only one way we can settle this, a good old-fashioned gun battle!
Maddmun – Agreed
Bazzman – We will fight at 12 noon tomorrow.
Maddmun – But I like to sleep in late!
Bazzman - Tough!
Maddmun - *sigh* Ok, I’ll be there.
-Parr: And so brave Bazzman and Aliboy prepared for battle by getting legless on cheap whiskey. Mojo spent the night mourning the loss of his dear beloved hooker and Gerrid went to Las Vegas to get some more hookers.
Scene 5 – The dusty road in the middle of town. Bazzman and Aliboy are waiting for Maddmun and Torticollis to approach. Mojo and Tribute are watching from the safety of the bar.
Aliboy – There he is, look!
Bazzman – That’s a cactus
Aliboy – No, that way!
Bazzman – Oh yeah. So…It…Is….
-Parr: Maddmun approached Bazzman, with Torticollis in tow.
Bazzman – I hope you’re ready for defeat
Maddmun – Oh you better believe I am, I mean. Hey, I got that wrong….
Bazzman – On my signal we will both turn around, take ten paces away from each other then draw. Do you understand?
Maddmun – Yes
Bazzman – NOW!
- Both men count their paces out loud. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9…
DW – Stop!
- Bazzman and Maddmun both halt their paces and turn to look at DW.
Maddmun – Who’s this old guy?
DW – I’m not old, I am mature. And I am…. Bazzman’s father
-The onlookers gasp in amazement
Bazzman – Dad, I told you not to interrupt me when I’m playing detective…
DW – But son, you could get hurt!
Bazzman – I’m 12, I can fight my own battles!
DW – Over my dead bo…
- Torticollis shoots DW in the head, killing him.
Bazzman – DAD! NO!
Torticollis – Well if I didn’t do it, someone would!
- Aliboy loads his water pistol with whiskey and sprays in it Torticollis’s eyes
Torticollis – OUCH, that really, really stings
Aliboy – heehee
Torticollis – I think I’m blind, oh God it hurts! Killing DW was just a joke but this is too far!
- Torticollis runs off into the sunset and Aliboy chases him with his water pistol.
Bazzman – Looks like it’s just me and you Maddmun
Maddmun – Well, and that crazy barman, and the drunken guy sat over there
- Mojo and Tribute wave at Bazzman
Bazzman – Well, yeah…
- Tumbleweed rolls past
Maddmun – So, are we going to shoot each other?
Bazzman – I think we’re supposed to… but it isn’t the same without Aliboy
Maddmun – He’s gone Bazzman, gone forever!
Bazzman – Do you want to be my new sidekick?
Maddmun – Do I have to wear a cape like Aliboy did?
Bazzman – No, that was his regular clothes
Maddmun – Oh, well yeah, Ill be your sidekick then.
Bazzman – Want to go and get drunk?
Maddmun - Damn right I do
-Parr: So the new friends went into the bar to get wasted on tequila slammers.
Bazzman – 2 bottles of tequila Mojo
Mojo – Ok Bazzman, and what abut for your friend?
Maddmun – Erm, a shot of tequila please.
Mojo – Hold on a minute, I know you…. You’re the outsider!
Maddmun – No, he was, um, shot!
Mojo – Are you local?
Maddmun – Yea, I run the bakery….
Mojo – We have a bakery now!
Maddmun – Yeah, sure, whatever…
- Parr: The pair get wasted until the small hours when there is a crash outside and Gerrid comes in.
Gerrid - Did I miss anything?
Bazzman – Not really, oh well most of the town has been killed and Maddmun is my new sidekick.
Gerrid – Great. Well I’ve been in Vegas and I have some brand new hookers.
- Mojo’s eyes light up
Gerrid – They’re Sweedish!
Mojo – Oooooh yeahhhh
-Parr: Maddmun and Bazzman because the best of friends, fighting crime in the little Midwestern town. Mojo got one of the hookers pregnant and married her, soon after they had a little baby girl called Ulrika. Gerrid continued as a pimp until it became illegal in the late 1800’s and was imprisoned for his actions.
And so this is where our story ends, and it just goes to prove that after 7 deaths, 6 Swedish hookers and the loss of law enforcement in the town, people can still make friends.
Director – and cut!
Writer – Brilliant Bazzman, you are a star!
Bazzman – Thanks, when do I get paid?
Director – Paid? Who said anything about getting paid?
- Bazzman aims the pistol at the director’s head
Director – Wait, we can sort it out!
Maddmun – Can I go yet?
Bazzman – Nobody is going anywhere until I get paid!
Gerrid – Oh my God someone call 999! I’m too vain to die!
- Bazzman shoots Gerrid in the back and he falls out of the third story window onto the sidewalk below
Director – I’m going to die! Save me! Someone!
Camera man – You’ll never get away with this, psycho!
Bazzman – You’re still filming? Give me that camera!
- The shot flickers and fades and the screen goes black.
Scene 1 – Dusty road approaching to town.
Maddmun – I don’t know about you lads but I’m bloody knackered!
Torticollis – Look, a town ahead. We can stay at the local inn to rest.
Dr Zeus – At last
Maddmun – I’m sure the resident will be friendly, at least they better be….
Dr Zeus – And what are you going to do if they aren’t, old man?
Maddmun – SHUT UP, SHUT UP!!
Torticollis – You are powerless old man!
Maddmun – Stop it! Be nice!
Parr: And so the three tired men approached the local inn for a place to stay, and beer. Lots of beer.
Scene 2 – Inside the bar
- Mojojojo is trying to impress the ladies by making them cocktails.
Drunk Cow – Oooh Mojo, you’re my hero
-Drunk cow takes sip from cocktail
Drunk Cow – EURGH! What the hell is this!?
Mojo – Tequila
Drunk Cow – And…
Mojo – Vodka
Drunk Cow – And…
Mojo – Vinegar….
Drunk Cow – Yuck, it’s awful!
Mojo – were still on for later though, yeah?
Drunk Cow – Damn right we are!
Parr: And all of a sudden the door to the bar swung open and in came three tough looking rogues with cowboy hats on.
- Gerbil Man and Tribute look up from their moonshine absinth at the 3 cowboys in the doorway.
Gerbil man – Hey, Hey you!
Maddmun – what?
Gerbil man – Who are you? What are you doing here?
Maddmun – We came for a place to stay, we have been on the road for 14 days now and are tired.
Torticollis – Understatement of the century
Maddmun – SHUT UP!
Tribute – We don’t take kindly to your type around here….
Maddmun – Ahhh come on, be nice
- Gerbil man collapses in a drunken heap on the floor and Tribute carries him out of the bar.
Maddmun – Bartender, 3 shots of tequila please
Mojo – Are you local?
Maddmun – No, were Texans
Drunk Cow – Is he local Mojo?
Maddmun – I just said, no, I’m from Texas.
Mojo – This is a local bar for local people, we don’t take kindly to your sort around here
Maddmun – But, we’re thirsty and tired.
Drunk Cow – Tell him the rules Mojo, honey.
Maddmun – Rules?
Mojo – The first rule of bar club is you do not talk about bar club, the second rule of bar club is no outsiders. S
- Drunk cow giggles
Maddmun – Can’t you make an exception, please?
Mojo – nahhh
Maddmun – Fine, but you’ll be sorry.
Torticollis – You’ll be real sorry you ever messed with the outsiders
Dr Zeus – What? Why are you looking at me?
-Parr: And so the 3 rogues left the bar and disappeared. The residents were scared of maddmun’s cheesy threat and Gerbil man died of alcohol poisoning.
Scene 3 – The local jailhouse
Tony – Beards, I’ve heard of a new guy in town, he goes by the name of Maddmun
Beards – Y,Y,Yes sir, he has been terrorising the residents with his wicked outsider ways.
Tony – I’ve been thinking about ways to sort the issue out
Beards – What was you thinking sir?
Tony – We could ban him from town, someone could sneak up on him and stick a sticker on his back saying, “User banned”.
Beards – Good idea sir
-Parr: All of a sudden the door opens and Bazzman struts in with Aliboy close behind him wearing a cape.
Bazzman – I will sort this outsider out, let me have the case Tony
Tony – No Bazzman, this would be trick for even the likes of you
Aliboy – na, na, na, na, na, na, BAZZMAN!
Tony – Sorry but no!
Bazzman – Fiddle sticks, well, I’ll have to do it behind your back sheriff
Tony – What?
Bazzman – Nothing, nothing…
Scene 4 – The bar. Bazzman and Aliboy are at the bar sipping their beers. Gerrid is sat in a fur coat with huge gold chains around his neck and Drunk Cow and P@st@ next to him, both wearing miniskirts.
Gerrid – Hey Bazzman, want a girl for the evening?
Bazzman – No, thanks.
Gerrid – Ahh come on Bazzman, you cant resist these beautiful ladies!
Drunk cow – Come on big boy
Bazzman – But drunk cow, you’re just a man in drag
- Drunk cow slaps Bazzman and walks on
P@st@ (in husky voice) – What about me, eh Bazzman?
Bazzman – um, well…
-Tribute runs into the bar panting.
Bazzman – What’s wrong Tribute?
Tribute – Just… let… me get…my…. breath...back…first…!
- 26 minutes and 8 packets of crisps later, Tribute is ready to talk.
Tribute – Someone has shot the Sheriff!
Tribute – Oh yeah, and his deputy!
Bazzman – Oh my!
Aliboy – Bazzman! na, na, na, na, na, na! Bazzman!
Bazzman – Aliboy, I’ve told you, you can’t say that in public!
-Parr: So Bazzman and Aliboy ran to the jailhouse to investigate the alleged murders. They find the bodies of Tony and Beards in a dramatically large pool of blood.
Bazzman – Hahaha, stop me investigating the case now will you Tony!
Aliboy – Bazzman…
Bazzman – I mean, erm, Oh my God, how sad…
Aliboy – That’s better….
Bazzman – Lets investigate!
Aliboy – Na, na, na, na…
Bazzman – Stop it!
-Parr: So the pair tracked back to the bar to question people. They returned to find Maddmun, Torticollis and Dr Zeus stood in the bar.
Bazzman – Hey you, outsiders!
Maddmun – Yeah?
Bazzman – The sheriff and the deputy have been found dead, and we think you killed them!
Maddmun – Well, I have a confession to make. I shot the sheriff, but I didn’t shoot the deputy!
Torticollis – I did!
Bazzman – Psycho’s – Why did you do it?
Maddmun – In the 19th century motives are incidental…
-Parr: The argument was interrupted by Gerrid bursting through the bar door.
Gerrid – Someone kidnapped my hookers!
Dr Zeus – It was me
Gerrid – God damn it boy!
-Gerrid shoots Dr Zeus in the gut
Dr Zeus – I’m feeling a little woozy here!
- Gerrid beats Dr Zeus to death with the barrel of his gun and struts out of the bar.
Bazzman – Crazy little town, ain’t it!
Mojo – One of the hookers is dead, damn
Bazzman – Sad isn’t it
Mojo – Well I wont be getting laid any more!
Maddmun - *Ahem* we’re still here
Bazzman – There’s only one way we can settle this, a good old-fashioned gun battle!
Maddmun – Agreed
Bazzman – We will fight at 12 noon tomorrow.
Maddmun – But I like to sleep in late!
Bazzman - Tough!
Maddmun - *sigh* Ok, I’ll be there.
-Parr: And so brave Bazzman and Aliboy prepared for battle by getting legless on cheap whiskey. Mojo spent the night mourning the loss of his dear beloved hooker and Gerrid went to Las Vegas to get some more hookers.
Scene 5 – The dusty road in the middle of town. Bazzman and Aliboy are waiting for Maddmun and Torticollis to approach. Mojo and Tribute are watching from the safety of the bar.
Aliboy – There he is, look!
Bazzman – That’s a cactus
Aliboy – No, that way!
Bazzman – Oh yeah. So…It…Is….
-Parr: Maddmun approached Bazzman, with Torticollis in tow.
Bazzman – I hope you’re ready for defeat
Maddmun – Oh you better believe I am, I mean. Hey, I got that wrong….
Bazzman – On my signal we will both turn around, take ten paces away from each other then draw. Do you understand?
Maddmun – Yes
Bazzman – NOW!
- Both men count their paces out loud. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9…
DW – Stop!
- Bazzman and Maddmun both halt their paces and turn to look at DW.
Maddmun – Who’s this old guy?
DW – I’m not old, I am mature. And I am…. Bazzman’s father
-The onlookers gasp in amazement
Bazzman – Dad, I told you not to interrupt me when I’m playing detective…
DW – But son, you could get hurt!
Bazzman – I’m 12, I can fight my own battles!
DW – Over my dead bo…
- Torticollis shoots DW in the head, killing him.
Bazzman – DAD! NO!
Torticollis – Well if I didn’t do it, someone would!
- Aliboy loads his water pistol with whiskey and sprays in it Torticollis’s eyes
Torticollis – OUCH, that really, really stings
Aliboy – heehee
Torticollis – I think I’m blind, oh God it hurts! Killing DW was just a joke but this is too far!
- Torticollis runs off into the sunset and Aliboy chases him with his water pistol.
Bazzman – Looks like it’s just me and you Maddmun
Maddmun – Well, and that crazy barman, and the drunken guy sat over there
- Mojo and Tribute wave at Bazzman
Bazzman – Well, yeah…
- Tumbleweed rolls past
Maddmun – So, are we going to shoot each other?
Bazzman – I think we’re supposed to… but it isn’t the same without Aliboy
Maddmun – He’s gone Bazzman, gone forever!
Bazzman – Do you want to be my new sidekick?
Maddmun – Do I have to wear a cape like Aliboy did?
Bazzman – No, that was his regular clothes
Maddmun – Oh, well yeah, Ill be your sidekick then.
Bazzman – Want to go and get drunk?
Maddmun - Damn right I do
-Parr: So the new friends went into the bar to get wasted on tequila slammers.
Bazzman – 2 bottles of tequila Mojo
Mojo – Ok Bazzman, and what abut for your friend?
Maddmun – Erm, a shot of tequila please.
Mojo – Hold on a minute, I know you…. You’re the outsider!
Maddmun – No, he was, um, shot!
Mojo – Are you local?
Maddmun – Yea, I run the bakery….
Mojo – We have a bakery now!
Maddmun – Yeah, sure, whatever…
- Parr: The pair get wasted until the small hours when there is a crash outside and Gerrid comes in.
Gerrid - Did I miss anything?
Bazzman – Not really, oh well most of the town has been killed and Maddmun is my new sidekick.
Gerrid – Great. Well I’ve been in Vegas and I have some brand new hookers.
- Mojo’s eyes light up
Gerrid – They’re Sweedish!
Mojo – Oooooh yeahhhh
-Parr: Maddmun and Bazzman because the best of friends, fighting crime in the little Midwestern town. Mojo got one of the hookers pregnant and married her, soon after they had a little baby girl called Ulrika. Gerrid continued as a pimp until it became illegal in the late 1800’s and was imprisoned for his actions.
And so this is where our story ends, and it just goes to prove that after 7 deaths, 6 Swedish hookers and the loss of law enforcement in the town, people can still make friends.
Director – and cut!
Writer – Brilliant Bazzman, you are a star!
Bazzman – Thanks, when do I get paid?
Director – Paid? Who said anything about getting paid?
- Bazzman aims the pistol at the director’s head
Director – Wait, we can sort it out!
Maddmun – Can I go yet?
Bazzman – Nobody is going anywhere until I get paid!
Gerrid – Oh my God someone call 999! I’m too vain to die!
- Bazzman shoots Gerrid in the back and he falls out of the third story window onto the sidewalk below
Director – I’m going to die! Save me! Someone!
Camera man – You’ll never get away with this, psycho!
Bazzman – You’re still filming? Give me that camera!
- The shot flickers and fades and the screen goes black.
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Whitestripes DX wrote:
> Headlines tonight.
>
> Kyz + newbie everyone hates takes on rest of forum.
>
>
>
> The bookies have refused to take any bets as they say it will put them
> out of business.
If I'm suppose to be the newbie get youe eye sight fixed.
> Headlines tonight.
>
> Kyz + newbie everyone hates takes on rest of forum.
>
>
>
> The bookies have refused to take any bets as they say it will put them
> out of business.
If I'm suppose to be the newbie get youe eye sight fixed.
cookie monster wrote:
> Microchips wrote:
> "The nose goes in, it comes out brown"
>
> And somewhat odourous.
Nasty.
Yet true.
But still, urgh.
> Microchips wrote:
> "The nose goes in, it comes out brown"
>
> And somewhat odourous.
Nasty.
Yet true.
But still, urgh.
Microchips wrote:
> "The nose goes in, it comes out brown"
And somewhat odourous.
> "The nose goes in, it comes out brown"
And somewhat odourous.
Headlines tonight.
Kyz + newbie everyone hates takes on rest of forum.
The bookies have refused to take any bets as they say it will put them out of business.
Kyz + newbie everyone hates takes on rest of forum.
The bookies have refused to take any bets as they say it will put them out of business.
"The nose goes in, it comes out brown"
I never read it before and am glad Kyz posted it again, I thought it was good.
Pr0n.
Now explain to me why I would want to pop really, really old posts?
What would I gain from doing so? I'll tell you. Half the forum attacking me, myself included.
So I deem it pointless.
What would I gain from doing so? I'll tell you. Half the forum attacking me, myself included.
So I deem it pointless.
Yeah, he's right.
It's traditional to subject newbies to pain and torture to test their mettle.
Good job.
It's traditional to subject newbies to pain and torture to test their mettle.
Good job.
No-one wants to read this pap.
The spoofs were a load of balls when you first posted them, they're complete and utter balls now.
The spoofs were a load of balls when you first posted them, they're complete and utter balls now.
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