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Following GTA: London '69 and The Getaway, game companies are chomping at the bit to get a capital themed title out for Xmas. By this, I don't mean Dr Fox Inline Skating or Strip Poker With Cat Deeley (although maybe...nah), but proper games based on "Lahndahn Tahn", as we Londoners don't ever call it. "What sort of games would there be, and what is a brief description of them?" I hear you cry - well never fear, I have nothing better to do so I'm going to tell you. So sit back, relax, switch on Eastenders, get out your cockney rhyming slang phrase book and read.
MUGGED
You play Random Schoolkid 003. Just sitting at the bus stop playing Snake, you were held at knife point by "a bigger boy". You handed over the phone and the bad man left...so now you're after revenge. Played out entirely within the London Bus Depot in Tottenham, the whole game is just a really really long shoot-out. But don't worry, it's REALLY REALLY long. This doesn't mean it's repetetive, oh no...it's only so long because it uses the same engine as The Getaway, meaning that you run as if you're stuck in jelly. It makes Max Payne's bullet time look like F1 2002! Anyway, you get to use authentic London weapons such as a seat that you stole from the 121 bus, a railing that fell off next door's gate, a tiny little BB gun your cousin got you for Christmas and whatever small rocks you can find dotted around the depot. Featuring authentic number plates, bus posters and furnishing, this promises to be the most realistic 14-year-old-in-a-bus-depot simulation ever...and luckily, it looks to be both the first and last.
KEN LIVINGSTON: HOMELESS HUNTER
No, not as in a hunter that sleeps on the streets, one that has to fi...aw, forget it. You are John Smith in this third person action adventure, in a pre-apocalyptic London. From the crowded shopping centre in Enfield Town to the empty square of market stalls full of Korn hooded sweatshirts in Camden, you must find dirty tramps littering the streets and get rid of them. But oh no, this isn't just any game...it's the only Government endorsed game! Just like in Streets of Rage, you must clean up your own streets for the good of your next election campaign (although it's not like you'll lose, I mean look how popular Labour are...and then it's just the Tories and Lib Dems *snigger*) anyway, I digress. Oh, did I mention that whilst cleaning up the streets, you're ON ROLLER SKATES?! Yes, that's right, just like in Jet Set Radio you must grind, flip and...er, grind your way round the city, spraying tear gas into tramps' eyes so that they can't resist the police when they escort them to the bottom of the Thames whilst wearing concrete boots. Enjoy a thumping soundtrack of past debates in the House of Commons which Ken has been involved in, and play as any of the one playable characters!
MIDDAY RACING
Just like in Rockstar's car game that isn't Grand Theft Auto, you get to illegally street race around at 12:00. The only difference is: this time it's at lunchtime! That's right, drive around the deserted London streets in any of the hundreds of licensed cars, from Ford Mondeos to Mercedes A-Classes, from the 121 bus with one seat missing to a Vauxhall Corsa! Speed down the M25 at a whopping top speed of up to 70mph, and try and be the first to the finish line! Admittedly, this game is on the easy side as because it's midday, everyone's having lunch and nobody's on the streets to obstruct you OR race you. So automatically you win every race and to unlock everything you just need to go through the motions. Still, it's got London road signs in it and everything! Yay!
FA PARK
Not terribly unlike NBA Street, this one takes footie back to the mean streets, y'all, as you have a kick around in the park. True to jumpers for goalposts style, you actually do have jumpers for goalposts at one end, and a rusting old frame with no net at the other end. This ends a tactical element to the game, as only one team has a crossbar so you can cheat offensively and defensively accordingly. There's added hazards such as dog poo in the penalty box, and an authentic plastic ball from the corner shop that gets carried away by the slightest gust of wind. Featuring great stadium sounds (a bloke talking to his dog and the cars going past nearby) and no annoying injuries (as you're all wearing trainers; no studs) this, the only game with the official Broomfield Park license, should rival Virtua Striker and Go Go Beckham for 'worst game featuring football ever made'.
By the time you've read this you've already read it. I'm supposed to get my sister a shirt that has that on it for Christmas, but I can't be bothered so I got her the Nirvana album, freeing up time to write this. So be grateful I'm cheap and lazy.
Thanks for reading. Please leave comments so I don't have to pop this too much.
-El Blokey
MUGGED
You play Random Schoolkid 003. Just sitting at the bus stop playing Snake, you were held at knife point by "a bigger boy". You handed over the phone and the bad man left...so now you're after revenge. Played out entirely within the London Bus Depot in Tottenham, the whole game is just a really really long shoot-out. But don't worry, it's REALLY REALLY long. This doesn't mean it's repetetive, oh no...it's only so long because it uses the same engine as The Getaway, meaning that you run as if you're stuck in jelly. It makes Max Payne's bullet time look like F1 2002! Anyway, you get to use authentic London weapons such as a seat that you stole from the 121 bus, a railing that fell off next door's gate, a tiny little BB gun your cousin got you for Christmas and whatever small rocks you can find dotted around the depot. Featuring authentic number plates, bus posters and furnishing, this promises to be the most realistic 14-year-old-in-a-bus-depot simulation ever...and luckily, it looks to be both the first and last.
KEN LIVINGSTON: HOMELESS HUNTER
No, not as in a hunter that sleeps on the streets, one that has to fi...aw, forget it. You are John Smith in this third person action adventure, in a pre-apocalyptic London. From the crowded shopping centre in Enfield Town to the empty square of market stalls full of Korn hooded sweatshirts in Camden, you must find dirty tramps littering the streets and get rid of them. But oh no, this isn't just any game...it's the only Government endorsed game! Just like in Streets of Rage, you must clean up your own streets for the good of your next election campaign (although it's not like you'll lose, I mean look how popular Labour are...and then it's just the Tories and Lib Dems *snigger*) anyway, I digress. Oh, did I mention that whilst cleaning up the streets, you're ON ROLLER SKATES?! Yes, that's right, just like in Jet Set Radio you must grind, flip and...er, grind your way round the city, spraying tear gas into tramps' eyes so that they can't resist the police when they escort them to the bottom of the Thames whilst wearing concrete boots. Enjoy a thumping soundtrack of past debates in the House of Commons which Ken has been involved in, and play as any of the one playable characters!
MIDDAY RACING
Just like in Rockstar's car game that isn't Grand Theft Auto, you get to illegally street race around at 12:00. The only difference is: this time it's at lunchtime! That's right, drive around the deserted London streets in any of the hundreds of licensed cars, from Ford Mondeos to Mercedes A-Classes, from the 121 bus with one seat missing to a Vauxhall Corsa! Speed down the M25 at a whopping top speed of up to 70mph, and try and be the first to the finish line! Admittedly, this game is on the easy side as because it's midday, everyone's having lunch and nobody's on the streets to obstruct you OR race you. So automatically you win every race and to unlock everything you just need to go through the motions. Still, it's got London road signs in it and everything! Yay!
FA PARK
Not terribly unlike NBA Street, this one takes footie back to the mean streets, y'all, as you have a kick around in the park. True to jumpers for goalposts style, you actually do have jumpers for goalposts at one end, and a rusting old frame with no net at the other end. This ends a tactical element to the game, as only one team has a crossbar so you can cheat offensively and defensively accordingly. There's added hazards such as dog poo in the penalty box, and an authentic plastic ball from the corner shop that gets carried away by the slightest gust of wind. Featuring great stadium sounds (a bloke talking to his dog and the cars going past nearby) and no annoying injuries (as you're all wearing trainers; no studs) this, the only game with the official Broomfield Park license, should rival Virtua Striker and Go Go Beckham for 'worst game featuring football ever made'.
By the time you've read this you've already read it. I'm supposed to get my sister a shirt that has that on it for Christmas, but I can't be bothered so I got her the Nirvana album, freeing up time to write this. So be grateful I'm cheap and lazy.
Thanks for reading. Please leave comments so I don't have to pop this too much.
-El Blokey
Page:
It's funny because it's true...
Following GTA: London '69 and The Getaway, game companies are chomping at the bit to get a capital themed title out for Xmas. By this, I don't mean Dr Fox Inline Skating or Strip Poker With Cat Deeley (although maybe...nah), but proper games based on "Lahndahn Tahn", as we Londoners don't ever call it. "What sort of games would there be, and what is a brief description of them?" I hear you cry - well never fear, I have nothing better to do so I'm going to tell you. So sit back, relax, switch on Eastenders, get out your cockney rhyming slang phrase book and read.
MUGGED
You play Random Schoolkid 003. Just sitting at the bus stop playing Snake, you were held at knife point by "a bigger boy". You handed over the phone and the bad man left...so now you're after revenge. Played out entirely within the London Bus Depot in Tottenham, the whole game is just a really really long shoot-out. But don't worry, it's REALLY REALLY long. This doesn't mean it's repetetive, oh no...it's only so long because it uses the same engine as The Getaway, meaning that you run as if you're stuck in jelly. It makes Max Payne's bullet time look like F1 2002! Anyway, you get to use authentic London weapons such as a seat that you stole from the 121 bus, a railing that fell off next door's gate, a tiny little BB gun your cousin got you for Christmas and whatever small rocks you can find dotted around the depot. Featuring authentic number plates, bus posters and furnishing, this promises to be the most realistic 14-year-old-in-a-bus-depot simulation ever...and luckily, it looks to be both the first and last.
KEN LIVINGSTON: HOMELESS HUNTER
No, not as in a hunter that sleeps on the streets, one that has to fi...aw, forget it. You are John Smith in this third person action adventure, in a pre-apocalyptic London. From the crowded shopping centre in Enfield Town to the empty square of market stalls full of Korn hooded sweatshirts in Camden, you must find dirty tramps littering the streets and get rid of them. But oh no, this isn't just any game...it's the only Government endorsed game! Just like in Streets of Rage, you must clean up your own streets for the good of your next election campaign (although it's not like you'll lose, I mean look how popular Labour are...and then it's just the Tories and Lib Dems *snigger*) anyway, I digress. Oh, did I mention that whilst cleaning up the streets, you're ON ROLLER SKATES?! Yes, that's right, just like in Jet Set Radio you must grind, flip and...er, grind your way round the city, spraying tear gas into tramps' eyes so that they can't resist the police when they escort them to the bottom of the Thames whilst wearing concrete boots. Enjoy a thumping soundtrack of past debates in the House of Commons which Ken has been involved in, and play as any of the one playable characters!
MIDDAY RACING
Just like in Rockstar's car game that isn't Grand Theft Auto, you get to illegally street race around at 12:00. The only difference is: this time it's at lunchtime! That's right, drive around the deserted London streets in any of the hundreds of licensed cars, from Ford Mondeos to Mercedes A-Classes, from the 121 bus with one seat missing to a Vauxhall Corsa! Speed down the M25 at a whopping top speed of up to 70mph, and try and be the first to the finish line! Admittedly, this game is on the easy side as because it's midday, everyone's having lunch and nobody's on the streets to obstruct you OR race you. So automatically you win every race and to unlock everything you just need to go through the motions. Still, it's got London road signs in it and everything! Yay!
FA PARK
Not terribly unlike NBA Street, this one takes footie back to the mean streets, y'all, as you have a kick around in the park. True to jumpers for goalposts style, you actually do have jumpers for goalposts at one end, and a rusting old frame with no net at the other end. This ends a tactical element to the game, as only one team has a crossbar so you can cheat offensively and defensively accordingly. There's added hazards such as dog poo in the penalty box, and an authentic plastic ball from the corner shop that gets carried away by the slightest gust of wind. Featuring great stadium sounds (a bloke talking to his dog and the cars going past nearby) and no annoying injuries (as you're all wearing trainers; no studs) this, the only game with the official Broomfield Park license, should rival Virtua Striker and Go Go Beckham for 'worst game featuring football ever made'.
By the time you've read this you've already read it. I'm supposed to get my sister a shirt that has that on it for Christmas, but I can't be bothered so I got her the Nirvana album, freeing up time to write this. So be grateful I'm cheap and lazy.
Thanks for reading. Please leave comments so I don't have to pop this too much.
-El Blokey
MUGGED
You play Random Schoolkid 003. Just sitting at the bus stop playing Snake, you were held at knife point by "a bigger boy". You handed over the phone and the bad man left...so now you're after revenge. Played out entirely within the London Bus Depot in Tottenham, the whole game is just a really really long shoot-out. But don't worry, it's REALLY REALLY long. This doesn't mean it's repetetive, oh no...it's only so long because it uses the same engine as The Getaway, meaning that you run as if you're stuck in jelly. It makes Max Payne's bullet time look like F1 2002! Anyway, you get to use authentic London weapons such as a seat that you stole from the 121 bus, a railing that fell off next door's gate, a tiny little BB gun your cousin got you for Christmas and whatever small rocks you can find dotted around the depot. Featuring authentic number plates, bus posters and furnishing, this promises to be the most realistic 14-year-old-in-a-bus-depot simulation ever...and luckily, it looks to be both the first and last.
KEN LIVINGSTON: HOMELESS HUNTER
No, not as in a hunter that sleeps on the streets, one that has to fi...aw, forget it. You are John Smith in this third person action adventure, in a pre-apocalyptic London. From the crowded shopping centre in Enfield Town to the empty square of market stalls full of Korn hooded sweatshirts in Camden, you must find dirty tramps littering the streets and get rid of them. But oh no, this isn't just any game...it's the only Government endorsed game! Just like in Streets of Rage, you must clean up your own streets for the good of your next election campaign (although it's not like you'll lose, I mean look how popular Labour are...and then it's just the Tories and Lib Dems *snigger*) anyway, I digress. Oh, did I mention that whilst cleaning up the streets, you're ON ROLLER SKATES?! Yes, that's right, just like in Jet Set Radio you must grind, flip and...er, grind your way round the city, spraying tear gas into tramps' eyes so that they can't resist the police when they escort them to the bottom of the Thames whilst wearing concrete boots. Enjoy a thumping soundtrack of past debates in the House of Commons which Ken has been involved in, and play as any of the one playable characters!
MIDDAY RACING
Just like in Rockstar's car game that isn't Grand Theft Auto, you get to illegally street race around at 12:00. The only difference is: this time it's at lunchtime! That's right, drive around the deserted London streets in any of the hundreds of licensed cars, from Ford Mondeos to Mercedes A-Classes, from the 121 bus with one seat missing to a Vauxhall Corsa! Speed down the M25 at a whopping top speed of up to 70mph, and try and be the first to the finish line! Admittedly, this game is on the easy side as because it's midday, everyone's having lunch and nobody's on the streets to obstruct you OR race you. So automatically you win every race and to unlock everything you just need to go through the motions. Still, it's got London road signs in it and everything! Yay!
FA PARK
Not terribly unlike NBA Street, this one takes footie back to the mean streets, y'all, as you have a kick around in the park. True to jumpers for goalposts style, you actually do have jumpers for goalposts at one end, and a rusting old frame with no net at the other end. This ends a tactical element to the game, as only one team has a crossbar so you can cheat offensively and defensively accordingly. There's added hazards such as dog poo in the penalty box, and an authentic plastic ball from the corner shop that gets carried away by the slightest gust of wind. Featuring great stadium sounds (a bloke talking to his dog and the cars going past nearby) and no annoying injuries (as you're all wearing trainers; no studs) this, the only game with the official Broomfield Park license, should rival Virtua Striker and Go Go Beckham for 'worst game featuring football ever made'.
By the time you've read this you've already read it. I'm supposed to get my sister a shirt that has that on it for Christmas, but I can't be bothered so I got her the Nirvana album, freeing up time to write this. So be grateful I'm cheap and lazy.
Thanks for reading. Please leave comments so I don't have to pop this too much.
-El Blokey
Page: