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From The Onion:
Stung by flagging album sales and Eminem's supplanting him as Middle America's worst nightmare, shock rocker Marilyn Manson has embarked on a door-to-door tour of suburbia in a desperate, last-ditch effort to shock and offend average Americans.
Accompanied by bandmates Twiggy Ramirez, Madonna Wayne Gacy, and Zim Zum, Manson kicked off his 50-city "Boo" tour Jan. 26 in Overland Park, a conservative, middle-class suburb of Kansas City.
Last Friday at 4 p.m., Mark Wesley, 46, a resident of Overland Park's exclusive Maple Bluff subdivision, heard the sound of "animal-like shrieking" coming from the vicinity of his front lawn. Upon opening his front door, he was greeted by the sight of a pale and shirtless Manson carving a pentagram into his chest with a razor blade.
"Look at me, suburban dung," Manson told Wesley. "Does this shock you?"
When Wesley replied no, he said Manson became "petulant." Recalled Wesley: "He started stamping his feet and shaking his fists, saying, 'What do you mean no? Aren't your uptight, puritanical sensibilities offended? Don't you want to censor me so you don't have to confront the ugly truth I represent?' So I say, 'Well, not particularly.' Then, after a long pause, he says, 'Well, screw you, jerk!' and walks off sulking."
That evening, Linda Schmidt was preparing to drive her daughter Alyssa to a Girl Scouts meeting when she found Manson standing on her porch draped in sheep entrails.
"I knew who he was, but I was kind of busy and didn't really have time to chat," Schmidt said. "He just kept standing there staring at me, expecting me to react in some way."
Added Schmidt: "I tried to be nice and humour him a little.
I said, 'Yesiree, that sure is some shocking satanic imagery, no doubt about it. And that one eye with no color in the pupil, very disturbing. I'd sure like to suppress that.'
I mean, what do you say to Marilyn Manson?"
A deflated Manson remained on Schmidt's porch as she and Alyssa drove off.
Subsequent attempts to provoke outrage were met with equal indifference.
Other provocative acts by Manson—including dismembering a chicken, bathing in pig's blood, and wearing a three-piece suit of human noses—failed to arouse anyone's ire, instead prompting comments such as "sophomoric," "trite," and "so Alice Cooper."
Manson's lone brush with controversy occurred in Edina, MN, a suburb of Minneapolis.
An unidentified neighborhood-watch volunteer phoned police after seeing a nude, feces-smeared Manson being led around on a leash by a dwarf dominatrix. Officers arrived on the scene, but let Manson go with a warning for parading without a city permit.
"I could have given him a citation, but I figured, how much harm is he really causing?" Edina Police Officer Dan Herberger said. "I mean, he's just Marilyn Manson, for the love of Mike."
The "Boo" tour was dealt a further blow when Manson learned that Eminem's The Marshall Mathers LP had been banned from all Kmart stores. Manson's current album, Holy Wood (In The Shadow Of The Valley Of Death), is still available.
"Why are all you people outraged by Eminem? He's not scary!" Manson said. "He doesn't sport ghoulishly pale skin or wear gender-bending make-up. He's just some regular guy. I'm the one who people should be terrified by, not him! Me!"
"If you ban me," Manson continued, "I promise to rail against censorship and hypocrisy. Please? Pretty, pretty please?"
By Monday, the tour appeared to have lost all momentum. Sources close to Manson described him as "exhausted and discouraged," despite not having even completed the first leg of the three-month tour.
By the time he arrived in Hoffman Estates, IL, Manson had resorted to leaving flaming bags of dog faeces on doorsteps and shining a flashlight under his chin to make himself look "spooky." He was ultimately chased from a Hoffman Estates subdivision by a group of bicycle-riding teenagers who advised him to "get [his] chalk-white goblin-ass" out of their neighborhood.
On Friday, Manson is slated to appear in Bethesda, MD, where many believe he will bring his tour to a premature end.
Stung by flagging album sales and Eminem's supplanting him as Middle America's worst nightmare, shock rocker Marilyn Manson has embarked on a door-to-door tour of suburbia in a desperate, last-ditch effort to shock and offend average Americans.
Accompanied by bandmates Twiggy Ramirez, Madonna Wayne Gacy, and Zim Zum, Manson kicked off his 50-city "Boo" tour Jan. 26 in Overland Park, a conservative, middle-class suburb of Kansas City.
Last Friday at 4 p.m., Mark Wesley, 46, a resident of Overland Park's exclusive Maple Bluff subdivision, heard the sound of "animal-like shrieking" coming from the vicinity of his front lawn. Upon opening his front door, he was greeted by the sight of a pale and shirtless Manson carving a pentagram into his chest with a razor blade.
"Look at me, suburban dung," Manson told Wesley. "Does this shock you?"
When Wesley replied no, he said Manson became "petulant." Recalled Wesley: "He started stamping his feet and shaking his fists, saying, 'What do you mean no? Aren't your uptight, puritanical sensibilities offended? Don't you want to censor me so you don't have to confront the ugly truth I represent?' So I say, 'Well, not particularly.' Then, after a long pause, he says, 'Well, screw you, jerk!' and walks off sulking."
That evening, Linda Schmidt was preparing to drive her daughter Alyssa to a Girl Scouts meeting when she found Manson standing on her porch draped in sheep entrails.
"I knew who he was, but I was kind of busy and didn't really have time to chat," Schmidt said. "He just kept standing there staring at me, expecting me to react in some way."
Added Schmidt: "I tried to be nice and humour him a little.
I said, 'Yesiree, that sure is some shocking satanic imagery, no doubt about it. And that one eye with no color in the pupil, very disturbing. I'd sure like to suppress that.'
I mean, what do you say to Marilyn Manson?"
A deflated Manson remained on Schmidt's porch as she and Alyssa drove off.
Subsequent attempts to provoke outrage were met with equal indifference.
Other provocative acts by Manson—including dismembering a chicken, bathing in pig's blood, and wearing a three-piece suit of human noses—failed to arouse anyone's ire, instead prompting comments such as "sophomoric," "trite," and "so Alice Cooper."
Manson's lone brush with controversy occurred in Edina, MN, a suburb of Minneapolis.
An unidentified neighborhood-watch volunteer phoned police after seeing a nude, feces-smeared Manson being led around on a leash by a dwarf dominatrix. Officers arrived on the scene, but let Manson go with a warning for parading without a city permit.
"I could have given him a citation, but I figured, how much harm is he really causing?" Edina Police Officer Dan Herberger said. "I mean, he's just Marilyn Manson, for the love of Mike."
The "Boo" tour was dealt a further blow when Manson learned that Eminem's The Marshall Mathers LP had been banned from all Kmart stores. Manson's current album, Holy Wood (In The Shadow Of The Valley Of Death), is still available.
"Why are all you people outraged by Eminem? He's not scary!" Manson said. "He doesn't sport ghoulishly pale skin or wear gender-bending make-up. He's just some regular guy. I'm the one who people should be terrified by, not him! Me!"
"If you ban me," Manson continued, "I promise to rail against censorship and hypocrisy. Please? Pretty, pretty please?"
By Monday, the tour appeared to have lost all momentum. Sources close to Manson described him as "exhausted and discouraged," despite not having even completed the first leg of the three-month tour.
By the time he arrived in Hoffman Estates, IL, Manson had resorted to leaving flaming bags of dog faeces on doorsteps and shining a flashlight under his chin to make himself look "spooky." He was ultimately chased from a Hoffman Estates subdivision by a group of bicycle-riding teenagers who advised him to "get [his] chalk-white goblin-ass" out of their neighborhood.
On Friday, Manson is slated to appear in Bethesda, MD, where many believe he will bring his tour to a premature end.
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I can't believe he covered Tainted Love. I thought he was meant to be menacing and scary.
I don't really "work" for them, just the occasional article when inspiration strikes, I know a couple of the blokes that run it and they asked if I fancied doing it.
Haven't done for a couple of months
Haven't done for a couple of months
Really? You really work for theonion.com? Really?
Behind TVgohome.com it's the best website ever.
Behind TVgohome.com it's the best website ever.
This one wasn't me, but it still makes me laugh
"Manson has been reduced to leaving dog faeces on doorsteps and shining a torch under his chin to make himself look "spooky"
Top.
"Manson has been reduced to leaving dog faeces on doorsteps and shining a torch under his chin to make himself look "spooky"
Top.
I didn't know you did some of the stuff there.
That's cool.
And I didn't mean 'true', true, but 'true' as in that's the way he is. ;-)
That's cool.
And I didn't mean 'true', true, but 'true' as in that's the way he is. ;-)
No, it's from theonion.com
A spoof news site I occasionally do some stuff for.
A spoof news site I occasionally do some stuff for.
You're joking. This can't really be true. It's too funny.
It's funny, because it's true.
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