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"If Special Reserve was licensed out to EA..."

I'm sure it's a question that has crossed all of your minds at one point or another - what would it be like if Electronic Arts, the company behind on in every four games bought in the modern age, snapped up the official license of Special Reserve? Well, using a cup of tea, some biscuits, a long-ish session on Tiger Woods 2003 and an overactive imagination I have discovered the answer, and will reveal it whilst effortlessly switching between present and future tense as a result of not proof reading.

Named Tonty 2003, the cover art would have our lord, king of the SR universe Tony (as seen in the latest SR magazine) browsing http://ukgames/ea with a 'hilarious' expression on his face. As if that wouldn't be enough to make your average customer stand up and take notice, EA would also bung on a huge SR logo on the front so we all know how officially licensed the game is. The back would reveal the various game modes, and have screenshots of ukchatforums, ukreviews and ukgardensheds.

As with all EA Sports games you would start with forty short cut-scenes with the EA logo dancing around and celebrities like Stryke saying "it's in the game" whilst smiling. Then there'd be the legal mumbo jumbo like "Hybrid Valves is owned by Mystique" etc. and finally we would reach the main menu.

Playing in the background would be a range of songs all performed by Clutch, the unofficial ukchatforums band, and of course there'd be the stellar commentary with the infamous double act of Tonty and BEARDS, the former with his kind hearted encouragement and the latter with bitter rambling and off-the-wall comments. A huge bank of soundbites will be included on the DVD, some of which use posters' names, some of which are playful banter and some of which are the gargling sounds as BEARDS. attempts to strange Tonty using the microphone lead.

Amongst the DVD extras would be a 'making of' featurette (mainly just watching Snuggly making excuses not to do any more coding, including such gems as "my fingers are bleeding") and 'a day in the life of an SR worker' which would show us all just how much porn you can get away with downloading whilst answering the phones in the SR office.

Who would be the characters? Well, there'd be the notables (yes, even Sniper and Pro Evo), and a few select others to be unlocked like Edgy (what? What do you mean he's a notable?!). You'd encounter some more friendly faces (well, friendly usernames) along the way, mostly staffers but occasionally regulars, such as that handsome devil El Blokey. But what would you actually DO? Ah, well, it's here that the good old EA originality comes into play...

Continuing the current trends on stuffing things on consoles and branding them as 'new' despite them having been on the PC for years (see The Sims, internet gaming, good FPSs) and making games of things you could just as easily do in real life (see The Sims, Pro Evolution Soccer), Tonty 2003 would be the first 'browse em up' where you assume the identity of an SR poster (or create your own in the Create-A-Poster mode) and peruse the many pages covered by the Special Reserve umbrella, with your main aim being to get to the top of the GAD winning leaderboard. There are multiple ways to achieve this task which shape the rest of the game: be a good guy and achieve your goal through hard work, take the short route and copy reviews or take the shorter route, hack into gameaday.co.uk, change the leaderboard and complete the game in twenty minutes. Like all great games there's a mix of the arcade and hardcore schools of gaming - there are assists like spellchecking which can be switched on or off, and button bashing mini-games such as 'post this message'.

There are extras like the Madden Cards or Trophy Balls from other EA Sports games, ranging from the easy 'my first spamming message where I quoted a really long post to boost my word count' to the insanely difficult 'get a sighting of Bob'. These, along with other stats like 'longest word used', 'most ridiculous made up word' and 'number of blatant GAD attempts made in FOG Chat about games based on SR' are stored in the pause menu.

There are stunning interactive replays available on demand which you can save onto your memory card - show all your mates how you cussed down a JAT, or look back on that answered query in the Customer Services forum. Unfortunately, there is no multiplayer mode and unless you have a USB keyboard you will probably gouge your own eyes out with a rusty spoon before managing to 'type' your first paragraph, but the official licenseness and overall EA charm will surely win you over.

The game would be priced at £74.99 everywhere (except for GAME, where it'll cost loads more even when it's preowned) on PSOne, PS2, XBOX, GC and GBA.

Thanks for reading.

-El

Well done! You deserved it.

Congrats mate.

Thanks SR! Don't be afraid to send this out to EA.

So, would you buy Tonty 2003? If so, for which console and why?

(deadly serious)

Hey Resident Evil was a game for all the family!

And Resident Evil is a 'good' game.
Ha.

El Blokey wrote:
I was just making fun of American Football.

Oh that's okay then.

American Football really is just a bunch of gay jocks touching each other in pads.

Gerrid was. I was just making fun of American Football.

:-) Nice.