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Playing Alien Vs Predator 2 last night (thanks to the wacky price of £80 for a 64mb Nvidia card, SR you crazy!) and yet again I met my foes.
Foes?
Yup, and I don’t mean my nemesis (we all have one somewhere).
No, I’m talking about those bloody things that are in FPS and I hate. When I meet these things, I fall to the ground with twisted melon and cry like wide-faced girl.
My mate said “Why so sad?” and I repeat “When clothed in the misery jumper and keep pulling but not over neck hole fit, I cry and when I cry a whole leopard fall from eye”…um…sorry, was listening to Blue Jam this morning on the way to work.
Where was I?
Oh yeah, foes in FPS.
Foe number 1: THE JUMPING ON PLATFORMS/OVER HOLES ETC
Right, here’s the problem. You can’t see your limbs, so you cant judge how close you are to the edge. So what would be the ideal way to make your face red with frustrated anger-pain?
Thaaaat’s right, a series of ledges that need jumping to in order to progress up to an exit place.
Fantastic, what I really would love is a completely guess-work series of leaps without being able to see my feet. And, Oo! Oo!, can I please miss the ledges and have to start from the bottom again please? But is it possible that I can only miss the critical jump when I’m right up high and a fall will break me like a man-egg.
I can?
Fantastic! I’m not teetering on the edge of Hulk-like destruction now!
Ledges and jumps to other jumping areas are stupid.
If I wanted to jump on platforms, guess what kind of game I would buy?
Anyone? 10 points?
Foe number 2: LADDERS
Once again, the lack of visible limbs means ladders are the realm of guestimates
And how do you climb these obstacles of obstacle?
By walking into them and looking up. I’ve tried this, it doesn’t work. You’re left standing at the bottom walking into the ladder. More often that not, it topples and brings men with chamois crashing down around your ears, and then you must run like David Hasslehoff.
But my special love, the big smile-inducing pleasure?
Getting down ladders.
I don’t want to grasp the top and slide down like a submariner, all cool and sophisticated.
No, what I’d like to do it reverse slowly, looking down until I start to fall and the defy the laws of physics by moving forward through the air and hope I make contact with the magically sticky-ladder.
But this doesn’t happen.
No, the usual procedure is this:
Chased by enemies with guns/monsters with hate filled eyes.
Meet top of ladder.
Stop.
Slowly reverse being shot in the face.
Fall.
Reload.
Repeat.
My character is able to hack into mainframes and re-route security cameras. He can pilot alien space craft never before seen.
But can he climb a ladder? Yeah right.
Foe number 3: END OF LEVEL BOSSES
Realistic FPS, sneaking around dispatching guards etc, shooting patrol dogs in the butt with arrows…all in the normal run-of-the-mill things for an FPS character.
And then it happens.
You meet the EOLB.
It is massive and it is hard.
This is not a test of skill or ability.
This is a test of repeatedly throwing yourself at this thing until, luck of luck, you blow it away and save so you don’t ever have to do it again.
Why is this?
Return to Castle Wolfenstein – The Uber-Soldat.
You have to walk sideways until the EOLB is stuck against the corner of a wall and unable to see you, then you can take 20 mins hitting it with footballs if you want.
This is only after 30 attempts at actually moving around the massive arena, dodging shots and collection the medipacks etc. You’d think that was expected, there is cover and there are health-aids there.
No.
What you are supposed to do is get in a corner and rely on the AI to make it continually try and walk through a wall.
Rubbish.
--
These are your main foes in FPS.
And there’s nothing you can do about them.
Except for Halo, which has no ladders, no jumping needed and no end-of-level bosses. Just FPS hardcore action.
Lovely, and well worth £300 just to never ever have to fall to my death again.
Foes?
Yup, and I don’t mean my nemesis (we all have one somewhere).
No, I’m talking about those bloody things that are in FPS and I hate. When I meet these things, I fall to the ground with twisted melon and cry like wide-faced girl.
My mate said “Why so sad?” and I repeat “When clothed in the misery jumper and keep pulling but not over neck hole fit, I cry and when I cry a whole leopard fall from eye”…um…sorry, was listening to Blue Jam this morning on the way to work.
Where was I?
Oh yeah, foes in FPS.
Foe number 1: THE JUMPING ON PLATFORMS/OVER HOLES ETC
Right, here’s the problem. You can’t see your limbs, so you cant judge how close you are to the edge. So what would be the ideal way to make your face red with frustrated anger-pain?
Thaaaat’s right, a series of ledges that need jumping to in order to progress up to an exit place.
Fantastic, what I really would love is a completely guess-work series of leaps without being able to see my feet. And, Oo! Oo!, can I please miss the ledges and have to start from the bottom again please? But is it possible that I can only miss the critical jump when I’m right up high and a fall will break me like a man-egg.
I can?
Fantastic! I’m not teetering on the edge of Hulk-like destruction now!
Ledges and jumps to other jumping areas are stupid.
If I wanted to jump on platforms, guess what kind of game I would buy?
Anyone? 10 points?
Foe number 2: LADDERS
Once again, the lack of visible limbs means ladders are the realm of guestimates
And how do you climb these obstacles of obstacle?
By walking into them and looking up. I’ve tried this, it doesn’t work. You’re left standing at the bottom walking into the ladder. More often that not, it topples and brings men with chamois crashing down around your ears, and then you must run like David Hasslehoff.
But my special love, the big smile-inducing pleasure?
Getting down ladders.
I don’t want to grasp the top and slide down like a submariner, all cool and sophisticated.
No, what I’d like to do it reverse slowly, looking down until I start to fall and the defy the laws of physics by moving forward through the air and hope I make contact with the magically sticky-ladder.
But this doesn’t happen.
No, the usual procedure is this:
Chased by enemies with guns/monsters with hate filled eyes.
Meet top of ladder.
Stop.
Slowly reverse being shot in the face.
Fall.
Reload.
Repeat.
My character is able to hack into mainframes and re-route security cameras. He can pilot alien space craft never before seen.
But can he climb a ladder? Yeah right.
Foe number 3: END OF LEVEL BOSSES
Realistic FPS, sneaking around dispatching guards etc, shooting patrol dogs in the butt with arrows…all in the normal run-of-the-mill things for an FPS character.
And then it happens.
You meet the EOLB.
It is massive and it is hard.
This is not a test of skill or ability.
This is a test of repeatedly throwing yourself at this thing until, luck of luck, you blow it away and save so you don’t ever have to do it again.
Why is this?
Return to Castle Wolfenstein – The Uber-Soldat.
You have to walk sideways until the EOLB is stuck against the corner of a wall and unable to see you, then you can take 20 mins hitting it with footballs if you want.
This is only after 30 attempts at actually moving around the massive arena, dodging shots and collection the medipacks etc. You’d think that was expected, there is cover and there are health-aids there.
No.
What you are supposed to do is get in a corner and rely on the AI to make it continually try and walk through a wall.
Rubbish.
--
These are your main foes in FPS.
And there’s nothing you can do about them.
Except for Halo, which has no ladders, no jumping needed and no end-of-level bosses. Just FPS hardcore action.
Lovely, and well worth £300 just to never ever have to fall to my death again.
Page:
What on earth are you talking about?
nipple cripple.
Monkey Of War wrote:
> Just give those dang Aliens a tittie twister, it'll send em' running for
> miles!
--
Eh?
> Just give those dang Aliens a tittie twister, it'll send em' running for
> miles!
--
Eh?
Do aliens have t**s?
Just give those dang Aliens a tittie twister, it'll send em' running for miles!
MOW
MOW
Goatboy wrote:
I fall to the ground with twisted melon and cry like wide-faced girl.
My mate said “Why so sad?” and I repeat “When clothed in the misery jumper and keep pulling
> but not over neck hole fit, I cry and when I cry a whole leopard fall from eye"
---
WTF?
Morris is in my head now,please help.
Oooo astonishing sod egg
I fall to the ground with twisted melon and cry like wide-faced girl.
My mate said “Why so sad?” and I repeat “When clothed in the misery jumper and keep pulling
> but not over neck hole fit, I cry and when I cry a whole leopard fall from eye"
---
WTF?
Morris is in my head now,please help.
Oooo astonishing sod egg
Exactly.
FPS
First Person Shooter.
It's not FPJ(umper) or FPF(alling down ladders) is it?
No, FPS.
first person SHOOTER.
I want to shoot. I'm not Daley Thompson so don't make me be him.
Please.
FPS
First Person Shooter.
It's not FPJ(umper) or FPF(alling down ladders) is it?
No, FPS.
first person SHOOTER.
I want to shoot. I'm not Daley Thompson so don't make me be him.
Please.
Goldeneye had ladders. I don't remember those being a struggle.
I haven't come across any ladders in Perfect Dark yet, or any jumps, but I suck at it, and aren't very far into it.
Mario can jump good though.
Mario, Mario.
Turok: Dinosaur Hunter was ruined by crappy jumping bits.
If I buy a first person shooter, I want to shoot things. If I must jump, give me the option of 3rd person view. Please?
I haven't come across any ladders in Perfect Dark yet, or any jumps, but I suck at it, and aren't very far into it.
Mario can jump good though.
Mario, Mario.
Turok: Dinosaur Hunter was ruined by crappy jumping bits.
If I buy a first person shooter, I want to shoot things. If I must jump, give me the option of 3rd person view. Please?
Another one who knows that FPS games weren't designed for platforming.
The Metroid series is full of platforming.
Metroid Prime should not be an FPS.
The Metroid series is full of platforming.
Metroid Prime should not be an FPS.
Gangsta Hamsta wrote:
> Its getting a PC release too aint it? Thats what i heard anyway!
I think so. Could be along way off though.
> Its getting a PC release too aint it? Thats what i heard anyway!
I think so. Could be along way off though.
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