The "General Games Chat" forum, which includes Retro Game Reviews, has been archived and is now read-only. You cannot post here or create a new thread or review on this forum.
Lent is coming. A time where Jesus was said to have given up chocolate for forty days. So, thanks to the Christian faith (who believe that a big giant man made everything) we all feel pressured into giving something up for those forty days. Hollywood superhunk Josh Hartnett managed to go Forty Days and Forty Nights without sex (or maybe he didn't, I haven't watched the film) and we can't be outdone by HIM now, can we? So, what to do, what to do...go without masturbation? Now, let's not go TOO far. How about UKchatforums? No way, then you wouldn't be able to read all my topics. How about giving up gaming for Lent? Now that's an idea. But how will you cope without your electronicially enhanced life? Always here to help, I've compiled a short list which should help you if you feel the grip of temptation around your thin scrawny necks.
1 - THE SIMS
The Sims is phenomenally popular amongst girls and losers, and seeing as two of the most well loved people on this forum are Mystique and AJ, I feel that it's rather apt to tackle this one first...and the recent release on the PS2 and announcement for other console versions has meant that the dead horse will continue to be flogged for about another year. Anyway, how will you live without this great game? First of all you'll need some card, and a black marker. Cut out thought bubbled from the card, and scribble some pictures on - the usual stuff like food, sleep, shower and what have you. Then, whenever you need or want something, just hold the appropriate bubble over your head and gesticulate wildly towards a parent, friend or pet. For that extra authentic feeling of playing The Sims when you're in a bad mood, invite the neighbours round before building a moat around your house so they can't escape, and starting a fire in the kitchen which will eventually kill you all.
2 - HALO
Oh, the joy of Combat Evolved. I'm sure you'll all miss this game, so I have a few tips. For those of you that enjoy a stealthier route, grab an umbrella and sneak up behind random pedestrians. Use the umbrella as a melee weapon, cracking it over his or her skull. Then, nick their ammo (or 'wallet' as it's known outside of FPSs) and move on to the next target. Alternatively, for plasma grenade laughs get some sherbert dips and throw them in a can of coke. Shake it, cover it with double sided tape and chuck it at someone. Watch as it sticks to their clothes and they scream for mercy, before being blown 40ft up in the air.
3 - THE GETAWAY
Slightly easier, this one. First you need to get the train down to Central London. Once there, as soon as you leave the station you must soil yourself. This is the only way to achieve the full 'walking through oil' effect so brilliantly displayed by masters Hammond and Carter. Then nick a car and drive around a bit. When the cops catch up with you, under no circumstances must you give up. When your car is wrecked, hide behind a crate. If you get shot, just stand there and pant - you will recover. However, if a policeman on foot comes within six feet of you, you HAVE to give yourself up. Don't ask why, just do.
4 - RATCHET AND CLANK
If you're missing your fix of furry fun then there's some advice you should take. Firstly, get a Furby and skin it. Tape the fur to your own body and use the naked robot skeleton as your Clank. Stick it in a backpack and you're almost done. Find a spanner, and if anyone looks at you funny take them out with either a well aimed throw, or an overhead strike of your metal tool of death. For extra credit, refuse to use credit cards or pounds sterling - when prompted for payment, use nuts and bolts. If the clerk won't accept them, smack him/her with your spanner.
5 - METROID PRIME
Very difficult. Because this game was so hyped, and is so original, recreating the thrill is tricky...but I'm more than a match. First step is to get some cling film and scribble some technical jargon on it, such as ".jpeg" and "firewall". Then cover your face with it (leaving airholes to breathe through, obviously) to simulate the helmet-vision. Then, get one of those Nerf guns and stick it up your sleeve, pushing your arm down your shirt. This will make you feel like you have a gun for an arm. Then, for the rolling sections, simply roll up into a ball and let gravity, or a willing helper, do the hard work for you.
6 - GRAND THEFT AUTO
If you want to be a clever cloggs then you can run around killing people and stealing cars...and if you get arrested just pay a few dollars and you're returned to normal society, minus your weapons. However, the only true way to replicate that GTA vibe is to find an 80s compilation CD and play it on your headphones. Then, find a motorbike and ride it into the nearest shopping centre. Find the escalators and speed up them, effectively using the moving stairs as a ramp, and feel the wind rush through your face and bullets pierce your flesh as you land with an Insane Stunt Bonus and severe health decrease.
That should do you lot. Follow my handy tips and ignoring your joypads should be a cinch. You're all welcome, by the way, so don't bother thanking me. If you feel like replying to praise my brilliance, wit, the relevance of this post or its shocking originality, I'll be glad to read it.
Thanks for reading.
-El
1 - THE SIMS
The Sims is phenomenally popular amongst girls and losers, and seeing as two of the most well loved people on this forum are Mystique and AJ, I feel that it's rather apt to tackle this one first...and the recent release on the PS2 and announcement for other console versions has meant that the dead horse will continue to be flogged for about another year. Anyway, how will you live without this great game? First of all you'll need some card, and a black marker. Cut out thought bubbled from the card, and scribble some pictures on - the usual stuff like food, sleep, shower and what have you. Then, whenever you need or want something, just hold the appropriate bubble over your head and gesticulate wildly towards a parent, friend or pet. For that extra authentic feeling of playing The Sims when you're in a bad mood, invite the neighbours round before building a moat around your house so they can't escape, and starting a fire in the kitchen which will eventually kill you all.
2 - HALO
Oh, the joy of Combat Evolved. I'm sure you'll all miss this game, so I have a few tips. For those of you that enjoy a stealthier route, grab an umbrella and sneak up behind random pedestrians. Use the umbrella as a melee weapon, cracking it over his or her skull. Then, nick their ammo (or 'wallet' as it's known outside of FPSs) and move on to the next target. Alternatively, for plasma grenade laughs get some sherbert dips and throw them in a can of coke. Shake it, cover it with double sided tape and chuck it at someone. Watch as it sticks to their clothes and they scream for mercy, before being blown 40ft up in the air.
3 - THE GETAWAY
Slightly easier, this one. First you need to get the train down to Central London. Once there, as soon as you leave the station you must soil yourself. This is the only way to achieve the full 'walking through oil' effect so brilliantly displayed by masters Hammond and Carter. Then nick a car and drive around a bit. When the cops catch up with you, under no circumstances must you give up. When your car is wrecked, hide behind a crate. If you get shot, just stand there and pant - you will recover. However, if a policeman on foot comes within six feet of you, you HAVE to give yourself up. Don't ask why, just do.
4 - RATCHET AND CLANK
If you're missing your fix of furry fun then there's some advice you should take. Firstly, get a Furby and skin it. Tape the fur to your own body and use the naked robot skeleton as your Clank. Stick it in a backpack and you're almost done. Find a spanner, and if anyone looks at you funny take them out with either a well aimed throw, or an overhead strike of your metal tool of death. For extra credit, refuse to use credit cards or pounds sterling - when prompted for payment, use nuts and bolts. If the clerk won't accept them, smack him/her with your spanner.
5 - METROID PRIME
Very difficult. Because this game was so hyped, and is so original, recreating the thrill is tricky...but I'm more than a match. First step is to get some cling film and scribble some technical jargon on it, such as ".jpeg" and "firewall". Then cover your face with it (leaving airholes to breathe through, obviously) to simulate the helmet-vision. Then, get one of those Nerf guns and stick it up your sleeve, pushing your arm down your shirt. This will make you feel like you have a gun for an arm. Then, for the rolling sections, simply roll up into a ball and let gravity, or a willing helper, do the hard work for you.
6 - GRAND THEFT AUTO
If you want to be a clever cloggs then you can run around killing people and stealing cars...and if you get arrested just pay a few dollars and you're returned to normal society, minus your weapons. However, the only true way to replicate that GTA vibe is to find an 80s compilation CD and play it on your headphones. Then, find a motorbike and ride it into the nearest shopping centre. Find the escalators and speed up them, effectively using the moving stairs as a ramp, and feel the wind rush through your face and bullets pierce your flesh as you land with an Insane Stunt Bonus and severe health decrease.
That should do you lot. Follow my handy tips and ignoring your joypads should be a cinch. You're all welcome, by the way, so don't bother thanking me. If you feel like replying to praise my brilliance, wit, the relevance of this post or its shocking originality, I'll be glad to read it.
Thanks for reading.
-El
Page:
Hehe, "A willing helper" to help you roll about, very amusing. Nice read.
Fantastic, original and, er, well written.
:)
:)
Kiss of death.
Bast*rd Alex, not another GAD.
Thanks for the handy tips there El.
:-D
Lent is coming. A time where Jesus was said to have given up chocolate for forty days. So, thanks to the Christian faith (who believe that a big giant man made everything) we all feel pressured into giving something up for those forty days. Hollywood superhunk Josh Hartnett managed to go Forty Days and Forty Nights without sex (or maybe he didn't, I haven't watched the film) and we can't be outdone by HIM now, can we? So, what to do, what to do...go without masturbation? Now, let's not go TOO far. How about UKchatforums? No way, then you wouldn't be able to read all my topics. How about giving up gaming for Lent? Now that's an idea. But how will you cope without your electronicially enhanced life? Always here to help, I've compiled a short list which should help you if you feel the grip of temptation around your thin scrawny necks.
1 - THE SIMS
The Sims is phenomenally popular amongst girls and losers, and seeing as two of the most well loved people on this forum are Mystique and AJ, I feel that it's rather apt to tackle this one first...and the recent release on the PS2 and announcement for other console versions has meant that the dead horse will continue to be flogged for about another year. Anyway, how will you live without this great game? First of all you'll need some card, and a black marker. Cut out thought bubbled from the card, and scribble some pictures on - the usual stuff like food, sleep, shower and what have you. Then, whenever you need or want something, just hold the appropriate bubble over your head and gesticulate wildly towards a parent, friend or pet. For that extra authentic feeling of playing The Sims when you're in a bad mood, invite the neighbours round before building a moat around your house so they can't escape, and starting a fire in the kitchen which will eventually kill you all.
2 - HALO
Oh, the joy of Combat Evolved. I'm sure you'll all miss this game, so I have a few tips. For those of you that enjoy a stealthier route, grab an umbrella and sneak up behind random pedestrians. Use the umbrella as a melee weapon, cracking it over his or her skull. Then, nick their ammo (or 'wallet' as it's known outside of FPSs) and move on to the next target. Alternatively, for plasma grenade laughs get some sherbert dips and throw them in a can of coke. Shake it, cover it with double sided tape and chuck it at someone. Watch as it sticks to their clothes and they scream for mercy, before being blown 40ft up in the air.
3 - THE GETAWAY
Slightly easier, this one. First you need to get the train down to Central London. Once there, as soon as you leave the station you must soil yourself. This is the only way to achieve the full 'walking through oil' effect so brilliantly displayed by masters Hammond and Carter. Then nick a car and drive around a bit. When the cops catch up with you, under no circumstances must you give up. When your car is wrecked, hide behind a crate. If you get shot, just stand there and pant - you will recover. However, if a policeman on foot comes within six feet of you, you HAVE to give yourself up. Don't ask why, just do.
4 - RATCHET AND CLANK
If you're missing your fix of furry fun then there's some advice you should take. Firstly, get a Furby and skin it. Tape the fur to your own body and use the naked robot skeleton as your Clank. Stick it in a backpack and you're almost done. Find a spanner, and if anyone looks at you funny take them out with either a well aimed throw, or an overhead strike of your metal tool of death. For extra credit, refuse to use credit cards or pounds sterling - when prompted for payment, use nuts and bolts. If the clerk won't accept them, smack him/her with your spanner.
5 - METROID PRIME
Very difficult. Because this game was so hyped, and is so original, recreating the thrill is tricky...but I'm more than a match. First step is to get some cling film and scribble some technical jargon on it, such as ".jpeg" and "firewall". Then cover your face with it (leaving airholes to breathe through, obviously) to simulate the helmet-vision. Then, get one of those Nerf guns and stick it up your sleeve, pushing your arm down your shirt. This will make you feel like you have a gun for an arm. Then, for the rolling sections, simply roll up into a ball and let gravity, or a willing helper, do the hard work for you.
6 - GRAND THEFT AUTO
If you want to be a clever cloggs then you can run around killing people and stealing cars...and if you get arrested just pay a few dollars and you're returned to normal society, minus your weapons. However, the only true way to replicate that GTA vibe is to find an 80s compilation CD and play it on your headphones. Then, find a motorbike and ride it into the nearest shopping centre. Find the escalators and speed up them, effectively using the moving stairs as a ramp, and feel the wind rush through your face and bullets pierce your flesh as you land with an Insane Stunt Bonus and severe health decrease.
That should do you lot. Follow my handy tips and ignoring your joypads should be a cinch. You're all welcome, by the way, so don't bother thanking me. If you feel like replying to praise my brilliance, wit, the relevance of this post or its shocking originality, I'll be glad to read it.
Thanks for reading.
-El
1 - THE SIMS
The Sims is phenomenally popular amongst girls and losers, and seeing as two of the most well loved people on this forum are Mystique and AJ, I feel that it's rather apt to tackle this one first...and the recent release on the PS2 and announcement for other console versions has meant that the dead horse will continue to be flogged for about another year. Anyway, how will you live without this great game? First of all you'll need some card, and a black marker. Cut out thought bubbled from the card, and scribble some pictures on - the usual stuff like food, sleep, shower and what have you. Then, whenever you need or want something, just hold the appropriate bubble over your head and gesticulate wildly towards a parent, friend or pet. For that extra authentic feeling of playing The Sims when you're in a bad mood, invite the neighbours round before building a moat around your house so they can't escape, and starting a fire in the kitchen which will eventually kill you all.
2 - HALO
Oh, the joy of Combat Evolved. I'm sure you'll all miss this game, so I have a few tips. For those of you that enjoy a stealthier route, grab an umbrella and sneak up behind random pedestrians. Use the umbrella as a melee weapon, cracking it over his or her skull. Then, nick their ammo (or 'wallet' as it's known outside of FPSs) and move on to the next target. Alternatively, for plasma grenade laughs get some sherbert dips and throw them in a can of coke. Shake it, cover it with double sided tape and chuck it at someone. Watch as it sticks to their clothes and they scream for mercy, before being blown 40ft up in the air.
3 - THE GETAWAY
Slightly easier, this one. First you need to get the train down to Central London. Once there, as soon as you leave the station you must soil yourself. This is the only way to achieve the full 'walking through oil' effect so brilliantly displayed by masters Hammond and Carter. Then nick a car and drive around a bit. When the cops catch up with you, under no circumstances must you give up. When your car is wrecked, hide behind a crate. If you get shot, just stand there and pant - you will recover. However, if a policeman on foot comes within six feet of you, you HAVE to give yourself up. Don't ask why, just do.
4 - RATCHET AND CLANK
If you're missing your fix of furry fun then there's some advice you should take. Firstly, get a Furby and skin it. Tape the fur to your own body and use the naked robot skeleton as your Clank. Stick it in a backpack and you're almost done. Find a spanner, and if anyone looks at you funny take them out with either a well aimed throw, or an overhead strike of your metal tool of death. For extra credit, refuse to use credit cards or pounds sterling - when prompted for payment, use nuts and bolts. If the clerk won't accept them, smack him/her with your spanner.
5 - METROID PRIME
Very difficult. Because this game was so hyped, and is so original, recreating the thrill is tricky...but I'm more than a match. First step is to get some cling film and scribble some technical jargon on it, such as ".jpeg" and "firewall". Then cover your face with it (leaving airholes to breathe through, obviously) to simulate the helmet-vision. Then, get one of those Nerf guns and stick it up your sleeve, pushing your arm down your shirt. This will make you feel like you have a gun for an arm. Then, for the rolling sections, simply roll up into a ball and let gravity, or a willing helper, do the hard work for you.
6 - GRAND THEFT AUTO
If you want to be a clever cloggs then you can run around killing people and stealing cars...and if you get arrested just pay a few dollars and you're returned to normal society, minus your weapons. However, the only true way to replicate that GTA vibe is to find an 80s compilation CD and play it on your headphones. Then, find a motorbike and ride it into the nearest shopping centre. Find the escalators and speed up them, effectively using the moving stairs as a ramp, and feel the wind rush through your face and bullets pierce your flesh as you land with an Insane Stunt Bonus and severe health decrease.
That should do you lot. Follow my handy tips and ignoring your joypads should be a cinch. You're all welcome, by the way, so don't bother thanking me. If you feel like replying to praise my brilliance, wit, the relevance of this post or its shocking originality, I'll be glad to read it.
Thanks for reading.
-El
Page: