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The (SR) Shining
- Outside SR Towers, late at night.
Chips: So here we are folks, SR Towers, the most haunted building in all of Basildon
Drunk Cow: Ooooh scary!
Dark Mark: Shut up, you crazy fool
Parr: So, are we going to investigate then guys?
Drunk Cow: Yeah, Lets-a-go
- The group enter the creepy looking mansion with torches and guns
Chips: Be on the lookout for ghosts, ghouls and hippies
Drunk Cow: Look there’s a ghost!
- Drunk Cow points at Dark Mark with a frightened look on his face
Dark Mark: What? I’m not a ghost…
Drunk Cow: Well, you’re all white!
Dark Mark: I’m an albino you retarded yank
Drunk Cow: Oh, my bad!
Parr: Guys we don’t have time, we have to uncover the secret of the house before sunrise tomorrow morning or the killer will make us scream because he knows what we did last Friday the 13th [Ever seen so many references to horror movies in one sentence, eh?]
Chips: Parr, did you never learn that Lithium is NOT good for you?
Parr: Sorry, sir.
Chips: Meh! It happens.
- The group run through the hallways of the dark mansion looking for clues and stuff whilst Drunk Cow hums the Ghostbusters tune.
Dark Mark: OH MY GOD!
Parr: What?
Dark Mark: Its-its-its Freddie Krueger!
Chips: Don’t be silly; you must be seeing things
Freddie Krueger: No, I am actually here
Chips: Well shiver my timbers
Freddie Krueger: You’re thinking of captain Hook
Chips: Ah, yes
Freddie Krueger: Do you know where the nearest petrol station is?
Chips: Erm…
Drunk Cow: There’s a Texaco garage bout 2 miles down the road towards Basildon centre
Freddie Krueger: Thanks
- Freddie Krueger walks casually out of the creepy mansion whistling chirpily
Chips: We have to focus on our mission, it is vital that we find the…
Parr: Look, a porno mag!
- The group crowd around an ancient issue of Playboy gawping and dribbling
Dark Mark: Hehehe so THAT’S what they look like
Drunk Cow: Yee haw!
Parr: Me like, me like!
- The group browse the magazine and Parr pockets the centrefold but their staring is interrupted by Chips.
Chips: Guys, seriously, come on!
Parr: Aww ok, if we have to!
- The group run around the mansion again and Drunk Cow comically trips over a rug
Dark Mark: You bloody Americans, I swear to God I’ll…
Drunk Cow: Hey, you guys… come over here
- The group move back to Drunk and he unveils a trap door hidden beneath the rug
Drunk Cow: Damn I’m good, Drunk Cow 1, creepy old mansion 0!
Dark Mark: I hate you so much you stupid piece of…
Chips: Hey, there’s some stairs beneath the trap door. Lets investigate!
Parr: *sigh* Yeah whatever
- The group move down the stairs and are shocked by what they find
Drunk Cow: It’s the umbrella labs, I played in on Resident Evil, It came on 6 months earlier in America you know, that’s because Americans are so great and much better than
- Dark Mark hits Drunk right in the jaw making him scream like a girl
Chips: Ladies, ladies, stop it.
Parr: Ha, he called you ladies
Chips: You too Parr
Parr: Ahh gees!
Dark Mark: Hey, who’s that?
Man in Suit: I am Drunk Cow’s attorney
Drunk Cow: That’s right, I’m American, I have to have a lawyer to sue you for assault!
- Drunk’s lawyer takes Dark Mark away to sue him
Parr: Damn. Why did you sue him?
Drunk Cow: I’m American, what can I say?
Chips: I hate to be the boring one but let’s go!
- The remaining 3 enter the secret labs as the door is left ajar by a scientist gone mad, or Alan the sound guy.
Alan the sound guy: It was me, sorry
Chips: Its ok Alan, don’t worry
Alan the sound guy: Thanks mate, we still going for drinks later?
Chips: Yep, The Flamingo Bar at 8
Alan the sound guy: Sounds good
Eddie the cameraman: Erm guys, we are still filming
Chips: Ah crap, where were we?
Parr: Going into the lab
Chips: Right, follow me!
- The gang run into the labs and pretend they are the riot police
Drunk Cow: Look, a clue!
- On the wall is a piece of paper with “Clue” scrawled across it and arrows pointing to it
Chips: Well done Drunk, I wouldn’t have seen that
Drunk Cow: Drunk 2, creepy mansion 0!
- Chips turns the paper over a reads the clue
Parr: What does it say?
Chips: I…don’t…know
Parr: Why? Is it in code?
Chips: No, the producer didn’t mention I needed to be literate!
Parr: Give me that
- Parr grabs the clue from Chips and reads it quickly
Parr: It says we need to follow the yellow brick road….
- The group look down and see a yellow painted floor with big arrows on it
Chips: Well I wouldn’t have noticed that either! God bless the media.
Drunk Cow: The know, the media in America is much better than the media in…
Parr and Chips: Shut up!
- The guys run down the yellow brick road until they reach something none of them were prepared for…
Chips: Oh…my…God…
Hugh Grant: H-H-H-Hello, I am smarmy posh stuck-up idiot Hugh Grant
Parr: I hate you
Hugh Grant: W-W-W-What did I do?
Parr: Your voice, your hair, and the fact you make Americans think we are all like you!
Drunk Cow: But…you are!
Parr: See what I mean!
Hugh Grant: S-S-S-Sorry
Parr: What the hell are you doing here anyway?
Hugh Grant: I don’t know
Parr: How can you not know why you’re here?
Chips: Hugh, have you been smoking crack?
Hugh Grant: N-N-N-N-Yes
Chips: Damn
Drunk Cow: Heheh, he stutters!
Parr: Ah, screw this
- Parr begins punching and kicking Hugh Grant
Parr: This one is for me. This one is from my mother. This one is on behalf on the British viewing public who have to put up with utter rubbish like Notting Hill and Bridget Jones Diary…
Chips: You just know that was funny
Drunk Cow: Stone Cold Stone Cold!
Chips: This isn’t a wrestling match….
- Drunk Cow puts his “Drunk 3:16” banner away
Parr: …And this one is from my great uncle Teddy who hurt his foot when he stepped on the cover of his About a Boy video.
- Hugh Grant falls onto the floor, twitches a bit and then lays motionless.
Chips: Hey, who’s that
Man in Suit: I am Hugh Grant’s lawyer
Drunk Cow: Hey Bill
Man in Suit: Hey Drunk. I am also Drunk’s lawyer
Chips: How come you have the same lawyer?
Man in Suit: The studio wouldn’t pay for two different lawyer actors.
Chips: The sons of bit…
Man in Suit: Anyway I am here to sue Parr for aggravated assault
Parr: Damn
- Parr is lead off by the lawyer to be taken to court
Chips: There’s not enough of us left to finish the mission
Alan the sound guy: Its 8 O’clock Chips, we’re meant to be going to the bar
Chips: Oh, yeah you’re right
Martin the producer: Ok, we’ll call it a day now guys, be here in the morning yeah
Chips: Sure thing boss
Drunk Cow: Damn right
- The group go down to the bar and get absolutely smashed, during this time Drunk Cow’s lawyer manages to sue everyone and nobody is left to finish the film.
- - -
After making the spoof the following things happened to the following people…
Drunk Cow: He became rich from suing so many people, he was then mugged in Bristol and works as a mechanic
Dark Mark: He found a scheme to make money from people without them noticing it, however the police soon caught on and he was arrested for being a pick pocket
Chips: His leaderships skills lead him right into the army where he is now Drill Sergeant Chips
Parr: His fighting technique took him to be amongst the top rated boxers in the country, he fights Tyson next Tuesday.
Freddie Krueger: He found the Texaco garage and managed to make it to Elm Street in time.
Alan the Sound Guy: He fell in love with a waitress at Little Chef and they have 3 beautiful children
Eddie the Cameraman: Eddie fell in love with the room service boy at the same Little Chef, due to the fact he was only 12 Eddie was arrested and is still in prison.
Martin the Producer: He went on to direct bigger and better spoofs and made a fortune.
Bill, Drunk Cow’s lawyer: He made loads of money from his 90% commission but was run over by a milk van and his fortune was given to charity.
Service Announcement: No animals we harmed in the making of this spoof, however Hugh Grant received a broken nose and some badly bruised ribs.
Thanks for reading
-kyz²²-
- Outside SR Towers, late at night.
Chips: So here we are folks, SR Towers, the most haunted building in all of Basildon
Drunk Cow: Ooooh scary!
Dark Mark: Shut up, you crazy fool
Parr: So, are we going to investigate then guys?
Drunk Cow: Yeah, Lets-a-go
- The group enter the creepy looking mansion with torches and guns
Chips: Be on the lookout for ghosts, ghouls and hippies
Drunk Cow: Look there’s a ghost!
- Drunk Cow points at Dark Mark with a frightened look on his face
Dark Mark: What? I’m not a ghost…
Drunk Cow: Well, you’re all white!
Dark Mark: I’m an albino you retarded yank
Drunk Cow: Oh, my bad!
Parr: Guys we don’t have time, we have to uncover the secret of the house before sunrise tomorrow morning or the killer will make us scream because he knows what we did last Friday the 13th [Ever seen so many references to horror movies in one sentence, eh?]
Chips: Parr, did you never learn that Lithium is NOT good for you?
Parr: Sorry, sir.
Chips: Meh! It happens.
- The group run through the hallways of the dark mansion looking for clues and stuff whilst Drunk Cow hums the Ghostbusters tune.
Dark Mark: OH MY GOD!
Parr: What?
Dark Mark: Its-its-its Freddie Krueger!
Chips: Don’t be silly; you must be seeing things
Freddie Krueger: No, I am actually here
Chips: Well shiver my timbers
Freddie Krueger: You’re thinking of captain Hook
Chips: Ah, yes
Freddie Krueger: Do you know where the nearest petrol station is?
Chips: Erm…
Drunk Cow: There’s a Texaco garage bout 2 miles down the road towards Basildon centre
Freddie Krueger: Thanks
- Freddie Krueger walks casually out of the creepy mansion whistling chirpily
Chips: We have to focus on our mission, it is vital that we find the…
Parr: Look, a porno mag!
- The group crowd around an ancient issue of Playboy gawping and dribbling
Dark Mark: Hehehe so THAT’S what they look like
Drunk Cow: Yee haw!
Parr: Me like, me like!
- The group browse the magazine and Parr pockets the centrefold but their staring is interrupted by Chips.
Chips: Guys, seriously, come on!
Parr: Aww ok, if we have to!
- The group run around the mansion again and Drunk Cow comically trips over a rug
Dark Mark: You bloody Americans, I swear to God I’ll…
Drunk Cow: Hey, you guys… come over here
- The group move back to Drunk and he unveils a trap door hidden beneath the rug
Drunk Cow: Damn I’m good, Drunk Cow 1, creepy old mansion 0!
Dark Mark: I hate you so much you stupid piece of…
Chips: Hey, there’s some stairs beneath the trap door. Lets investigate!
Parr: *sigh* Yeah whatever
- The group move down the stairs and are shocked by what they find
Drunk Cow: It’s the umbrella labs, I played in on Resident Evil, It came on 6 months earlier in America you know, that’s because Americans are so great and much better than
- Dark Mark hits Drunk right in the jaw making him scream like a girl
Chips: Ladies, ladies, stop it.
Parr: Ha, he called you ladies
Chips: You too Parr
Parr: Ahh gees!
Dark Mark: Hey, who’s that?
Man in Suit: I am Drunk Cow’s attorney
Drunk Cow: That’s right, I’m American, I have to have a lawyer to sue you for assault!
- Drunk’s lawyer takes Dark Mark away to sue him
Parr: Damn. Why did you sue him?
Drunk Cow: I’m American, what can I say?
Chips: I hate to be the boring one but let’s go!
- The remaining 3 enter the secret labs as the door is left ajar by a scientist gone mad, or Alan the sound guy.
Alan the sound guy: It was me, sorry
Chips: Its ok Alan, don’t worry
Alan the sound guy: Thanks mate, we still going for drinks later?
Chips: Yep, The Flamingo Bar at 8
Alan the sound guy: Sounds good
Eddie the cameraman: Erm guys, we are still filming
Chips: Ah crap, where were we?
Parr: Going into the lab
Chips: Right, follow me!
- The gang run into the labs and pretend they are the riot police
Drunk Cow: Look, a clue!
- On the wall is a piece of paper with “Clue” scrawled across it and arrows pointing to it
Chips: Well done Drunk, I wouldn’t have seen that
Drunk Cow: Drunk 2, creepy mansion 0!
- Chips turns the paper over a reads the clue
Parr: What does it say?
Chips: I…don’t…know
Parr: Why? Is it in code?
Chips: No, the producer didn’t mention I needed to be literate!
Parr: Give me that
- Parr grabs the clue from Chips and reads it quickly
Parr: It says we need to follow the yellow brick road….
- The group look down and see a yellow painted floor with big arrows on it
Chips: Well I wouldn’t have noticed that either! God bless the media.
Drunk Cow: The know, the media in America is much better than the media in…
Parr and Chips: Shut up!
- The guys run down the yellow brick road until they reach something none of them were prepared for…
Chips: Oh…my…God…
Hugh Grant: H-H-H-Hello, I am smarmy posh stuck-up idiot Hugh Grant
Parr: I hate you
Hugh Grant: W-W-W-What did I do?
Parr: Your voice, your hair, and the fact you make Americans think we are all like you!
Drunk Cow: But…you are!
Parr: See what I mean!
Hugh Grant: S-S-S-Sorry
Parr: What the hell are you doing here anyway?
Hugh Grant: I don’t know
Parr: How can you not know why you’re here?
Chips: Hugh, have you been smoking crack?
Hugh Grant: N-N-N-N-Yes
Chips: Damn
Drunk Cow: Heheh, he stutters!
Parr: Ah, screw this
- Parr begins punching and kicking Hugh Grant
Parr: This one is for me. This one is from my mother. This one is on behalf on the British viewing public who have to put up with utter rubbish like Notting Hill and Bridget Jones Diary…
Chips: You just know that was funny
Drunk Cow: Stone Cold Stone Cold!
Chips: This isn’t a wrestling match….
- Drunk Cow puts his “Drunk 3:16” banner away
Parr: …And this one is from my great uncle Teddy who hurt his foot when he stepped on the cover of his About a Boy video.
- Hugh Grant falls onto the floor, twitches a bit and then lays motionless.
Chips: Hey, who’s that
Man in Suit: I am Hugh Grant’s lawyer
Drunk Cow: Hey Bill
Man in Suit: Hey Drunk. I am also Drunk’s lawyer
Chips: How come you have the same lawyer?
Man in Suit: The studio wouldn’t pay for two different lawyer actors.
Chips: The sons of bit…
Man in Suit: Anyway I am here to sue Parr for aggravated assault
Parr: Damn
- Parr is lead off by the lawyer to be taken to court
Chips: There’s not enough of us left to finish the mission
Alan the sound guy: Its 8 O’clock Chips, we’re meant to be going to the bar
Chips: Oh, yeah you’re right
Martin the producer: Ok, we’ll call it a day now guys, be here in the morning yeah
Chips: Sure thing boss
Drunk Cow: Damn right
- The group go down to the bar and get absolutely smashed, during this time Drunk Cow’s lawyer manages to sue everyone and nobody is left to finish the film.
- - -
After making the spoof the following things happened to the following people…
Drunk Cow: He became rich from suing so many people, he was then mugged in Bristol and works as a mechanic
Dark Mark: He found a scheme to make money from people without them noticing it, however the police soon caught on and he was arrested for being a pick pocket
Chips: His leaderships skills lead him right into the army where he is now Drill Sergeant Chips
Parr: His fighting technique took him to be amongst the top rated boxers in the country, he fights Tyson next Tuesday.
Freddie Krueger: He found the Texaco garage and managed to make it to Elm Street in time.
Alan the Sound Guy: He fell in love with a waitress at Little Chef and they have 3 beautiful children
Eddie the Cameraman: Eddie fell in love with the room service boy at the same Little Chef, due to the fact he was only 12 Eddie was arrested and is still in prison.
Martin the Producer: He went on to direct bigger and better spoofs and made a fortune.
Bill, Drunk Cow’s lawyer: He made loads of money from his 90% commission but was run over by a milk van and his fortune was given to charity.
Service Announcement: No animals we harmed in the making of this spoof, however Hugh Grant received a broken nose and some badly bruised ribs.
Thanks for reading
-kyz²²-
Page:
lol, that was good. The shining though...
Great stuff Kyz, typically great spoof :-)
LOL! Excellent stuff, Ky.
As it would appear not....
"Hugh Grant in his first ever horror film"?
gerrid wrote:
> Have you ever seen the Shining?
Well, he obviously hasn't.
Come to think of it, neither have I. I know the basic storyline, though.
> Have you ever seen the Shining?
Well, he obviously hasn't.
Come to think of it, neither have I. I know the basic storyline, though.
great post MR. 22 great post. good luck on the elections as well Kyz22
Its a loosely based horror movie themed spoof - I couldn't think of a better name - sorry.
Have you ever seen the Shining?
The (SR) Shining
- Outside SR Towers, late at night.
Chips: So here we are folks, SR Towers, the most haunted building in all of Basildon
Drunk Cow: Ooooh scary!
Dark Mark: Shut up, you crazy fool
Parr: So, are we going to investigate then guys?
Drunk Cow: Yeah, Lets-a-go
- The group enter the creepy looking mansion with torches and guns
Chips: Be on the lookout for ghosts, ghouls and hippies
Drunk Cow: Look there’s a ghost!
- Drunk Cow points at Dark Mark with a frightened look on his face
Dark Mark: What? I’m not a ghost…
Drunk Cow: Well, you’re all white!
Dark Mark: I’m an albino you retarded yank
Drunk Cow: Oh, my bad!
Parr: Guys we don’t have time, we have to uncover the secret of the house before sunrise tomorrow morning or the killer will make us scream because he knows what we did last Friday the 13th [Ever seen so many references to horror movies in one sentence, eh?]
Chips: Parr, did you never learn that Lithium is NOT good for you?
Parr: Sorry, sir.
Chips: Meh! It happens.
- The group run through the hallways of the dark mansion looking for clues and stuff whilst Drunk Cow hums the Ghostbusters tune.
Dark Mark: OH MY GOD!
Parr: What?
Dark Mark: Its-its-its Freddie Krueger!
Chips: Don’t be silly; you must be seeing things
Freddie Krueger: No, I am actually here
Chips: Well shiver my timbers
Freddie Krueger: You’re thinking of captain Hook
Chips: Ah, yes
Freddie Krueger: Do you know where the nearest petrol station is?
Chips: Erm…
Drunk Cow: There’s a Texaco garage bout 2 miles down the road towards Basildon centre
Freddie Krueger: Thanks
- Freddie Krueger walks casually out of the creepy mansion whistling chirpily
Chips: We have to focus on our mission, it is vital that we find the…
Parr: Look, a porno mag!
- The group crowd around an ancient issue of Playboy gawping and dribbling
Dark Mark: Hehehe so THAT’S what they look like
Drunk Cow: Yee haw!
Parr: Me like, me like!
- The group browse the magazine and Parr pockets the centrefold but their staring is interrupted by Chips.
Chips: Guys, seriously, come on!
Parr: Aww ok, if we have to!
- The group run around the mansion again and Drunk Cow comically trips over a rug
Dark Mark: You bloody Americans, I swear to God I’ll…
Drunk Cow: Hey, you guys… come over here
- The group move back to Drunk and he unveils a trap door hidden beneath the rug
Drunk Cow: Damn I’m good, Drunk Cow 1, creepy old mansion 0!
Dark Mark: I hate you so much you stupid piece of…
Chips: Hey, there’s some stairs beneath the trap door. Lets investigate!
Parr: *sigh* Yeah whatever
- The group move down the stairs and are shocked by what they find
Drunk Cow: It’s the umbrella labs, I played in on Resident Evil, It came on 6 months earlier in America you know, that’s because Americans are so great and much better than
- Dark Mark hits Drunk right in the jaw making him scream like a girl
Chips: Ladies, ladies, stop it.
Parr: Ha, he called you ladies
Chips: You too Parr
Parr: Ahh gees!
Dark Mark: Hey, who’s that?
Man in Suit: I am Drunk Cow’s attorney
Drunk Cow: That’s right, I’m American, I have to have a lawyer to sue you for assault!
- Drunk’s lawyer takes Dark Mark away to sue him
Parr: Damn. Why did you sue him?
Drunk Cow: I’m American, what can I say?
Chips: I hate to be the boring one but let’s go!
- The remaining 3 enter the secret labs as the door is left ajar by a scientist gone mad, or Alan the sound guy.
Alan the sound guy: It was me, sorry
Chips: Its ok Alan, don’t worry
Alan the sound guy: Thanks mate, we still going for drinks later?
Chips: Yep, The Flamingo Bar at 8
Alan the sound guy: Sounds good
Eddie the cameraman: Erm guys, we are still filming
Chips: Ah crap, where were we?
Parr: Going into the lab
Chips: Right, follow me!
- The gang run into the labs and pretend they are the riot police
Drunk Cow: Look, a clue!
- On the wall is a piece of paper with “Clue” scrawled across it and arrows pointing to it
Chips: Well done Drunk, I wouldn’t have seen that
Drunk Cow: Drunk 2, creepy mansion 0!
- Chips turns the paper over a reads the clue
Parr: What does it say?
Chips: I…don’t…know
Parr: Why? Is it in code?
Chips: No, the producer didn’t mention I needed to be literate!
Parr: Give me that
- Parr grabs the clue from Chips and reads it quickly
Parr: It says we need to follow the yellow brick road….
- The group look down and see a yellow painted floor with big arrows on it
Chips: Well I wouldn’t have noticed that either! God bless the media.
Drunk Cow: The know, the media in America is much better than the media in…
Parr and Chips: Shut up!
- The guys run down the yellow brick road until they reach something none of them were prepared for…
Chips: Oh…my…God…
Hugh Grant: H-H-H-Hello, I am smarmy posh stuck-up idiot Hugh Grant
Parr: I hate you
Hugh Grant: W-W-W-What did I do?
Parr: Your voice, your hair, and the fact you make Americans think we are all like you!
Drunk Cow: But…you are!
Parr: See what I mean!
Hugh Grant: S-S-S-Sorry
Parr: What the hell are you doing here anyway?
Hugh Grant: I don’t know
Parr: How can you not know why you’re here?
Chips: Hugh, have you been smoking crack?
Hugh Grant: N-N-N-N-Yes
Chips: Damn
Drunk Cow: Heheh, he stutters!
Parr: Ah, screw this
- Parr begins punching and kicking Hugh Grant
Parr: This one is for me. This one is from my mother. This one is on behalf on the British viewing public who have to put up with utter rubbish like Notting Hill and Bridget Jones Diary…
Chips: You just know that was funny
Drunk Cow: Stone Cold Stone Cold!
Chips: This isn’t a wrestling match….
- Drunk Cow puts his “Drunk 3:16” banner away
Parr: …And this one is from my great uncle Teddy who hurt his foot when he stepped on the cover of his About a Boy video.
- Hugh Grant falls onto the floor, twitches a bit and then lays motionless.
Chips: Hey, who’s that
Man in Suit: I am Hugh Grant’s lawyer
Drunk Cow: Hey Bill
Man in Suit: Hey Drunk. I am also Drunk’s lawyer
Chips: How come you have the same lawyer?
Man in Suit: The studio wouldn’t pay for two different lawyer actors.
Chips: The sons of bit…
Man in Suit: Anyway I am here to sue Parr for aggravated assault
Parr: Damn
- Parr is lead off by the lawyer to be taken to court
Chips: There’s not enough of us left to finish the mission
Alan the sound guy: Its 8 O’clock Chips, we’re meant to be going to the bar
Chips: Oh, yeah you’re right
Martin the producer: Ok, we’ll call it a day now guys, be here in the morning yeah
Chips: Sure thing boss
Drunk Cow: Damn right
- The group go down to the bar and get absolutely smashed, during this time Drunk Cow’s lawyer manages to sue everyone and nobody is left to finish the film.
- - -
After making the spoof the following things happened to the following people…
Drunk Cow: He became rich from suing so many people, he was then mugged in Bristol and works as a mechanic
Dark Mark: He found a scheme to make money from people without them noticing it, however the police soon caught on and he was arrested for being a pick pocket
Chips: His leaderships skills lead him right into the army where he is now Drill Sergeant Chips
Parr: His fighting technique took him to be amongst the top rated boxers in the country, he fights Tyson next Tuesday.
Freddie Krueger: He found the Texaco garage and managed to make it to Elm Street in time.
Alan the Sound Guy: He fell in love with a waitress at Little Chef and they have 3 beautiful children
Eddie the Cameraman: Eddie fell in love with the room service boy at the same Little Chef, due to the fact he was only 12 Eddie was arrested and is still in prison.
Martin the Producer: He went on to direct bigger and better spoofs and made a fortune.
Bill, Drunk Cow’s lawyer: He made loads of money from his 90% commission but was run over by a milk van and his fortune was given to charity.
Service Announcement: No animals we harmed in the making of this spoof, however Hugh Grant received a broken nose and some badly bruised ribs.
Thanks for reading
-kyz²²-
- Outside SR Towers, late at night.
Chips: So here we are folks, SR Towers, the most haunted building in all of Basildon
Drunk Cow: Ooooh scary!
Dark Mark: Shut up, you crazy fool
Parr: So, are we going to investigate then guys?
Drunk Cow: Yeah, Lets-a-go
- The group enter the creepy looking mansion with torches and guns
Chips: Be on the lookout for ghosts, ghouls and hippies
Drunk Cow: Look there’s a ghost!
- Drunk Cow points at Dark Mark with a frightened look on his face
Dark Mark: What? I’m not a ghost…
Drunk Cow: Well, you’re all white!
Dark Mark: I’m an albino you retarded yank
Drunk Cow: Oh, my bad!
Parr: Guys we don’t have time, we have to uncover the secret of the house before sunrise tomorrow morning or the killer will make us scream because he knows what we did last Friday the 13th [Ever seen so many references to horror movies in one sentence, eh?]
Chips: Parr, did you never learn that Lithium is NOT good for you?
Parr: Sorry, sir.
Chips: Meh! It happens.
- The group run through the hallways of the dark mansion looking for clues and stuff whilst Drunk Cow hums the Ghostbusters tune.
Dark Mark: OH MY GOD!
Parr: What?
Dark Mark: Its-its-its Freddie Krueger!
Chips: Don’t be silly; you must be seeing things
Freddie Krueger: No, I am actually here
Chips: Well shiver my timbers
Freddie Krueger: You’re thinking of captain Hook
Chips: Ah, yes
Freddie Krueger: Do you know where the nearest petrol station is?
Chips: Erm…
Drunk Cow: There’s a Texaco garage bout 2 miles down the road towards Basildon centre
Freddie Krueger: Thanks
- Freddie Krueger walks casually out of the creepy mansion whistling chirpily
Chips: We have to focus on our mission, it is vital that we find the…
Parr: Look, a porno mag!
- The group crowd around an ancient issue of Playboy gawping and dribbling
Dark Mark: Hehehe so THAT’S what they look like
Drunk Cow: Yee haw!
Parr: Me like, me like!
- The group browse the magazine and Parr pockets the centrefold but their staring is interrupted by Chips.
Chips: Guys, seriously, come on!
Parr: Aww ok, if we have to!
- The group run around the mansion again and Drunk Cow comically trips over a rug
Dark Mark: You bloody Americans, I swear to God I’ll…
Drunk Cow: Hey, you guys… come over here
- The group move back to Drunk and he unveils a trap door hidden beneath the rug
Drunk Cow: Damn I’m good, Drunk Cow 1, creepy old mansion 0!
Dark Mark: I hate you so much you stupid piece of…
Chips: Hey, there’s some stairs beneath the trap door. Lets investigate!
Parr: *sigh* Yeah whatever
- The group move down the stairs and are shocked by what they find
Drunk Cow: It’s the umbrella labs, I played in on Resident Evil, It came on 6 months earlier in America you know, that’s because Americans are so great and much better than
- Dark Mark hits Drunk right in the jaw making him scream like a girl
Chips: Ladies, ladies, stop it.
Parr: Ha, he called you ladies
Chips: You too Parr
Parr: Ahh gees!
Dark Mark: Hey, who’s that?
Man in Suit: I am Drunk Cow’s attorney
Drunk Cow: That’s right, I’m American, I have to have a lawyer to sue you for assault!
- Drunk’s lawyer takes Dark Mark away to sue him
Parr: Damn. Why did you sue him?
Drunk Cow: I’m American, what can I say?
Chips: I hate to be the boring one but let’s go!
- The remaining 3 enter the secret labs as the door is left ajar by a scientist gone mad, or Alan the sound guy.
Alan the sound guy: It was me, sorry
Chips: Its ok Alan, don’t worry
Alan the sound guy: Thanks mate, we still going for drinks later?
Chips: Yep, The Flamingo Bar at 8
Alan the sound guy: Sounds good
Eddie the cameraman: Erm guys, we are still filming
Chips: Ah crap, where were we?
Parr: Going into the lab
Chips: Right, follow me!
- The gang run into the labs and pretend they are the riot police
Drunk Cow: Look, a clue!
- On the wall is a piece of paper with “Clue” scrawled across it and arrows pointing to it
Chips: Well done Drunk, I wouldn’t have seen that
Drunk Cow: Drunk 2, creepy mansion 0!
- Chips turns the paper over a reads the clue
Parr: What does it say?
Chips: I…don’t…know
Parr: Why? Is it in code?
Chips: No, the producer didn’t mention I needed to be literate!
Parr: Give me that
- Parr grabs the clue from Chips and reads it quickly
Parr: It says we need to follow the yellow brick road….
- The group look down and see a yellow painted floor with big arrows on it
Chips: Well I wouldn’t have noticed that either! God bless the media.
Drunk Cow: The know, the media in America is much better than the media in…
Parr and Chips: Shut up!
- The guys run down the yellow brick road until they reach something none of them were prepared for…
Chips: Oh…my…God…
Hugh Grant: H-H-H-Hello, I am smarmy posh stuck-up idiot Hugh Grant
Parr: I hate you
Hugh Grant: W-W-W-What did I do?
Parr: Your voice, your hair, and the fact you make Americans think we are all like you!
Drunk Cow: But…you are!
Parr: See what I mean!
Hugh Grant: S-S-S-Sorry
Parr: What the hell are you doing here anyway?
Hugh Grant: I don’t know
Parr: How can you not know why you’re here?
Chips: Hugh, have you been smoking crack?
Hugh Grant: N-N-N-N-Yes
Chips: Damn
Drunk Cow: Heheh, he stutters!
Parr: Ah, screw this
- Parr begins punching and kicking Hugh Grant
Parr: This one is for me. This one is from my mother. This one is on behalf on the British viewing public who have to put up with utter rubbish like Notting Hill and Bridget Jones Diary…
Chips: You just know that was funny
Drunk Cow: Stone Cold Stone Cold!
Chips: This isn’t a wrestling match….
- Drunk Cow puts his “Drunk 3:16” banner away
Parr: …And this one is from my great uncle Teddy who hurt his foot when he stepped on the cover of his About a Boy video.
- Hugh Grant falls onto the floor, twitches a bit and then lays motionless.
Chips: Hey, who’s that
Man in Suit: I am Hugh Grant’s lawyer
Drunk Cow: Hey Bill
Man in Suit: Hey Drunk. I am also Drunk’s lawyer
Chips: How come you have the same lawyer?
Man in Suit: The studio wouldn’t pay for two different lawyer actors.
Chips: The sons of bit…
Man in Suit: Anyway I am here to sue Parr for aggravated assault
Parr: Damn
- Parr is lead off by the lawyer to be taken to court
Chips: There’s not enough of us left to finish the mission
Alan the sound guy: Its 8 O’clock Chips, we’re meant to be going to the bar
Chips: Oh, yeah you’re right
Martin the producer: Ok, we’ll call it a day now guys, be here in the morning yeah
Chips: Sure thing boss
Drunk Cow: Damn right
- The group go down to the bar and get absolutely smashed, during this time Drunk Cow’s lawyer manages to sue everyone and nobody is left to finish the film.
- - -
After making the spoof the following things happened to the following people…
Drunk Cow: He became rich from suing so many people, he was then mugged in Bristol and works as a mechanic
Dark Mark: He found a scheme to make money from people without them noticing it, however the police soon caught on and he was arrested for being a pick pocket
Chips: His leaderships skills lead him right into the army where he is now Drill Sergeant Chips
Parr: His fighting technique took him to be amongst the top rated boxers in the country, he fights Tyson next Tuesday.
Freddie Krueger: He found the Texaco garage and managed to make it to Elm Street in time.
Alan the Sound Guy: He fell in love with a waitress at Little Chef and they have 3 beautiful children
Eddie the Cameraman: Eddie fell in love with the room service boy at the same Little Chef, due to the fact he was only 12 Eddie was arrested and is still in prison.
Martin the Producer: He went on to direct bigger and better spoofs and made a fortune.
Bill, Drunk Cow’s lawyer: He made loads of money from his 90% commission but was run over by a milk van and his fortune was given to charity.
Service Announcement: No animals we harmed in the making of this spoof, however Hugh Grant received a broken nose and some badly bruised ribs.
Thanks for reading
-kyz²²-
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