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Throughout the history of man, exaggeration of quality has remained a highly prominent force, from Jesus, to Starfox Adventures. Some things though, are so exaggerated, that I just have to write about, in the name of free games that is.
So I, Melancholy shall blindly guide you through the dark mists of Turok, and for no extra cost, will tell you of the horrors of gaming overration (it may even be a word).
Making "Whoopee" in The Sims: I seem to recall an immature little sentence in a review of The Sims, which referred to you being able to make two Sims have a rollicking good time, fiddling about with eachother. Indeed, one of my friends booted up the Sims, just to show me how two of his male Sims could make "whoopee" in a horribly designed bed. What is this odd fascination between polygonal lovemaking? Is it because children are too scared to find porn on the Internet, or is there something even vaguely erotic with two crudely shaped characters? Sure, it hasn't happened before, but watching a duvet cover twist around in a set pattern, does not float my boat. Maybe I just have no imagination, or maybe just maybe, most everyone else is crazy and I'm one of the only sane people who don't get turned on by the noise of Sims kissing. The only entertainment to be found in The Sims, is to continually make your Sim wet himself/herself. At least now they know how it feels.
Lara Croft: Fair enough, when she bends over with a curt "Ah-ha!" The idea of a female main game character is less laughable, but I hear a lot of things. One of those things that I hear, is that Lara Croft is fit/buff/whatever people want to call hot dames nowadays. They're not talking about Angelina Jolie either, nor the Angel of Darkness Lara, but the PS1 Lara Croft. You heard me (or did you?). That Lara, the square boobied Lara, the pixellised bum Lara, the rectoid ponytail Lara. That Lara. "Hup" she cries when she jumps up to twice her regular height. To be honest, I'm sticking with my plump little plumber man. Everything about her is unconvincing, the way it takes her around 5 seconds to turn 45 degrees whilst standing on the spot. The way her breasts are so amazingly firm, and don't get me started on her nose. Is Lara Croft over-rated? Is BEARDS a real person? Find out next week, or guess the answer for yourselves.
The Joy Of The Stealthy Approach: Sam Fisher in Splinter Cell is like a computer game approximation of what Justin Timberlake is really like. Slick, Fast and testicleless. Slowly, slowly catchy monkey goes the saying, and an increasingly common trend in video games, is to include stealth. "Strangle!" Sam and .47 exclaim! "I wonder if he had a family!" say I, in mild shock. The fact is, stealth is overrated, people made 'Nam seem exciting, but Serious Sam gives a more realistic approach to human warfare, not this crazy gorilla stuff we keep on hearing about. It's all in the sound, and the visuals for how satisfying a kill is, and would you rather TK a soldier in Halo with a meaty shotgun, or jump on top of crates with J.C? You ask people what was a greater war, World War I, or the Gulf war. The answer is simple. Face to face combat is more honourable, and will not disgrace your wife if you come back alive, greater satisfaction can be achieved through knowing that the random enemy had a will to fight you. If you shall excuse me, I have a monkey to groom.
One thing that is Underrated:
Spraying water on Toadsworth In SMS: Hear him going "Gablablabla!" over and over and over again. Timeless/Priceless, it will never grow old. Never.
Anyway, I hope that I made you laugh/cry at some point during this, and I bid you good day.
The artist formerly known as far too empty, now known as Melancholy
So I, Melancholy shall blindly guide you through the dark mists of Turok, and for no extra cost, will tell you of the horrors of gaming overration (it may even be a word).
Making "Whoopee" in The Sims: I seem to recall an immature little sentence in a review of The Sims, which referred to you being able to make two Sims have a rollicking good time, fiddling about with eachother. Indeed, one of my friends booted up the Sims, just to show me how two of his male Sims could make "whoopee" in a horribly designed bed. What is this odd fascination between polygonal lovemaking? Is it because children are too scared to find porn on the Internet, or is there something even vaguely erotic with two crudely shaped characters? Sure, it hasn't happened before, but watching a duvet cover twist around in a set pattern, does not float my boat. Maybe I just have no imagination, or maybe just maybe, most everyone else is crazy and I'm one of the only sane people who don't get turned on by the noise of Sims kissing. The only entertainment to be found in The Sims, is to continually make your Sim wet himself/herself. At least now they know how it feels.
Lara Croft: Fair enough, when she bends over with a curt "Ah-ha!" The idea of a female main game character is less laughable, but I hear a lot of things. One of those things that I hear, is that Lara Croft is fit/buff/whatever people want to call hot dames nowadays. They're not talking about Angelina Jolie either, nor the Angel of Darkness Lara, but the PS1 Lara Croft. You heard me (or did you?). That Lara, the square boobied Lara, the pixellised bum Lara, the rectoid ponytail Lara. That Lara. "Hup" she cries when she jumps up to twice her regular height. To be honest, I'm sticking with my plump little plumber man. Everything about her is unconvincing, the way it takes her around 5 seconds to turn 45 degrees whilst standing on the spot. The way her breasts are so amazingly firm, and don't get me started on her nose. Is Lara Croft over-rated? Is BEARDS a real person? Find out next week, or guess the answer for yourselves.
The Joy Of The Stealthy Approach: Sam Fisher in Splinter Cell is like a computer game approximation of what Justin Timberlake is really like. Slick, Fast and testicleless. Slowly, slowly catchy monkey goes the saying, and an increasingly common trend in video games, is to include stealth. "Strangle!" Sam and .47 exclaim! "I wonder if he had a family!" say I, in mild shock. The fact is, stealth is overrated, people made 'Nam seem exciting, but Serious Sam gives a more realistic approach to human warfare, not this crazy gorilla stuff we keep on hearing about. It's all in the sound, and the visuals for how satisfying a kill is, and would you rather TK a soldier in Halo with a meaty shotgun, or jump on top of crates with J.C? You ask people what was a greater war, World War I, or the Gulf war. The answer is simple. Face to face combat is more honourable, and will not disgrace your wife if you come back alive, greater satisfaction can be achieved through knowing that the random enemy had a will to fight you. If you shall excuse me, I have a monkey to groom.
One thing that is Underrated:
Spraying water on Toadsworth In SMS: Hear him going "Gablablabla!" over and over and over again. Timeless/Priceless, it will never grow old. Never.
Anyway, I hope that I made you laugh/cry at some point during this, and I bid you good day.
The artist formerly known as far too empty, now known as Melancholy
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Quite.
Waiting for replies actually related to this thread.
Should I bother wrighting something for spoof off?
I'm glad that other people feel the same way that I do about these things.
*Shakes fist at PS1 Lara*
*Shakes fist at PS1 Lara*
starfox* Don't know where thatfox came from!
I whole heartedly agree with the Jesus and thatfox comment. There is a feller at the bus terminal in Leeds who thinks he is Jesus and dances for people to buy him a sandwich.
The Lara Croft thing is very true I agree with you on that, pre-adolescent teens who fantasise over boning a 32 bit woman are kind of messed up.
The Lara Croft thing is very true I agree with you on that, pre-adolescent teens who fantasise over boning a 32 bit woman are kind of messed up.
El Blokey wrote:
> So:
>
> psychot
> torticollis
> that other one
> far too empty
> Melancholy
>
> PICK A NAME.
I refuse.
I think I'll stick with this one though.
> So:
>
> psychot
> torticollis
> that other one
> far too empty
> Melancholy
>
> PICK A NAME.
I refuse.
I think I'll stick with this one though.
Don't worry - I haven't had a go at someonje in at least three minutes - needed to let off some steam...
So:
psychot
torticollis
that other one
far too empty
Melancholy
PICK A NAME.
psychot
torticollis
that other one
far too empty
Melancholy
PICK A NAME.
BLAHpro wrote:
> Hey! Jesus isn't overrated! Some of us are Christian btw...
It's just blasphemy. Take a chill pill, get out of this time of month, wake up on right side of bed etc.
But anyway, I didn't intend it as a deep insulting comment.
> Hey! Jesus isn't overrated! Some of us are Christian btw...
It's just blasphemy. Take a chill pill, get out of this time of month, wake up on right side of bed etc.
But anyway, I didn't intend it as a deep insulting comment.
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