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"British Playstation Abuse Center"

The PS2. It’s only a console, agreed, but who says it doesn’t have feelings? After all, the very center of it is called the emotion engine. So suppose your PS2 could see, here, feel, smell, and taste everything that you do. Well here at the BPAC (British Playstation Abuse Center) we all share that very thought; that the PS2 is a living creature and knows everything that’s going on around it. Thus, if this is the case (Which it most certainly is, believe us) then surely your little black machine will suffer from every bit of abuse you throw at it. In fact, your actions could be scaring the poor blighter right at this very moment. Yes, we can see you groping that mouse, you’d better hope your PS2 can’t see you, after all, its very controllers aren’t too dissimilar to the victim of your recent action; be warned. Now, onto the case studies…


*Pro Evo is no excuse!*

Pro Evolution Soccer 2. Brilliant game, unless you’re going to be difficult and doubt the mighty BPAC, after all, we are the brains behind this very theory. Who ‘would’ doubt us? Anyway, Pro Evo iz da bestest and fifa stinkys. But sometimes you have to admit that frustration wields its way into a perfectly harmless playing session. The referee sends you off for nothing, blood boils in your head, and Mr Dual Shock goes bouncing along the floor, revealing all that is contained inside that shiny black shell of his. You broke it. Yes, you! How would you like being thrown from ten times your own height? You wouldn’t would you? So don’t do it to your dual shocks. They are delicate little things; handle them with care, like a baby that, well, vibrates. Just be nice, we’re watching!


*Your PS2 is not Kitchenware*

No, it’s not. Does it look like a plate? If you drop it on the floor would it shatter into tiny pieces (Don’t bother, we’re watching, again)? No! So why do ‘you’, yes ‘you’, insist on decorating your PS2’s rather fetching attire with the remains of last nights dinner? Do you really think the PS2 appreciates having mayonnaise dripped onto it? Is that vinegar safe near electricals? I’ll think you’ll find the answer is no. Time and time again have we seen this very case, PS2’s dirtier than the average males surfing habits. It’s a disgrace. We would be watching you, but our eyes are on something else at the moment…


*The newspaper, get the newspaper!*

There you are, watching the T.V. like a good little boy, when suddenly two great big things appear on screen, something you can clearly relate to from your Tomb Raider playing sessions. But what’s this? Just as you’re enjoying a rather nice experience, yesterdays ‘The Sun crossword’ pops up and obscures your vision. Yes, it’s your Dad, shielding you from the X-rated action on screen (Little does he know that the crossword was on the opposite page to page 3). You’ve all been in that situation as a kid, and even though you only got a small taster, you really enjoyed it. But does your PS2? Does it really want to see all that BMX XXX has to offer? And the prostitution and lap dancing frolics that grace Vice City, does it give your PS2 the enjoyment it gives you? No, in fact it leaves the poor thing emotionally scared for life. So if you want to play ‘mucky’ games on your PS2, make sure you ‘be a Dad’ and place the newspaper in between your PS2 and the T.V. Just not Page 3, okay?


*And Finally*

When you get a new peripheral for your PS2, it’s the equivalent to your PS2, of you having a artificial limb operation; the peripheral becomes part of the PS2 like the limb becomes part of you. So think about this. Fat man gets dance mat. Fat man plugs dance mat into PS2. Dance mat becomes part of PS2. Fat man jumps around on dance mat. Fat man invites friends to come and jump around on dance mat. Now, did you think about it? It’s just like you getting your new limb and having someone jump around on it the next day. Torture! If it were up to us all those damn dance mats would be burned! Damn SR giving them as free gifts! We’re onto you!

So, we’ve said it once and we’ll say it again. We-are-watching-you. Your Playstation has feelings. Don’t abuse them.

Thanks for reading,
Nath.


And hand off that damn mouse!

Thanks for the complaint lalakers. An Jive, you so miread another post. I meant that yours was a Mackeral. A fish did never grace my palms. :)

Hmmm....tastes a bit smokey to me....very nice, many thanks, really enjoyed that :)

I'd just like to inform the BPAC that while spying through my neighbours window i saw that a glass of cold juice was placed on top of the PS2 without *breathes in* a mat underneath. I was shocked to have seen this and want to report this blatant act of cruelty to the BPAC.

How many times do I have to tell you, it's real. Imagination? Pah. Thanks anyways, and that... that was a Mackeral, so buah to you. :)

Gotta hand it to you Nat, You've certainly got an active imagination, but very good at the same time.

Good post although unfortunately for my PS2 it can't see what I'm doing with my mouse as I'm at work and he/she/it is stuck at home, in a cabinet, probably sneezing from the layer of dust on top.

Don't worry though, food never goes near it! :)

I have to admit though, that I have recently broken (slightly) one of my controllers due to frustration on WRC II, thrown in anger at the floor but it wasn't my fault....bloomin PS2 was cheating again...emotion engine, pah...more like cheating engine.

I'll end with ...... you really should get out more ;)

*slaps Nat with kipper just for kicks*

I would have said "You really should get out more " but you havn't been doing so many fo these posts recently.

* Slaps Nat for being impudent *

Ah thankyou! However, I was hoping you would say, "You really should get out more". Then I would say, "Least I have the physical attributes to do just that you old kipper!". :D

I read it Nath !!!

I enjoyed it as well.

:D

Thanks DW. Just reading one of your posts too and the same can be said. :)

Nå†ßu© wrote:
Time and time again have we seen this very case, PS2’s dirtier than the average males surfing habits.

And hand off that damn mouse!

-----------------------------

A pick of the best sentances there. Couldn't use them all, would have ended up quoting the whole post. Great stuff, hur hur, I enjoyed reading that. And to top it all off you say "hand off that damn mouse". :cD

Funneh. Hopefully you'll win a game Mr. Nath. Excellenté!