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1st rant of 2002, to kick things off in the correct style:
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Alien Vs Predator 2 – Personal opinion (just mine and mine alone) – Rubbish.
Did the Alien story in 4hrs, the Marine story in 5 and played the Predator for 30 minutes before turning it off in disgust.
The Predator.
Look! He has a spear gun! Wow
And he can be invisible, except they can still see you! Hurrah!
He has the ability to leap up to 8ft! Whoopee!
When you’re the Alien, you fight a Predator and it takes only one swipe from his stick to kill you.
Much frustration, but when you are the Predator, it takes several smashes wiv stick to kill an Alien.
A little fairness please?
Multiplayer Morons.
Online gaming is top, except for when you meet newbies with no clue. Return to Castle Wolfenstein a perfect example:
A lieutenant is there to provide ammo for the team, otherwise you run out and charge about trying to knife people. Not good.
So the team has 3 Lts, but they decide to not give ammo to the players. So the only thing left is to set them on fire and shoot their flaming corpses to teach them a lesson.
Learn your class abilities before you play please, it makes it so much more fun for the others.
And those stupid players that leap about wildly making it impossible to shoot them.
Bah
Metal Gear Solid 2 being released in March.
Why?
Japan and America have their copies, so why make us wait for more months? “It’s because of the Xbox” is the main reason given.
Well if that’s the case, Sony are saving their premier PS2 title for the launch date of the Xbox, then I’m getting me one of those green machines and refusing to get MGS2 on principle. I want to play that game, don’t play stupid marketing games with me please or I’ll never buy another game for your machine.
Movie-based games.
They suck, without exception.
A film license means “Steer Clear, this game stinks like ass.”
I can’t think of one single film license game that doesn’t reek like week-dead animals. Goldeneye was good, but bears little relation to the film.
So that’s different.
Games-based movies:
See above.
Tomb Raider/Mario Bros etc. These are awful, awful turgid wastes of millions of dollars.
The Wicker Man
This is a cult movie. I hadn’t seen it until New Year’s Eve when I taped it.
It’s rubbish.
90 mins of Edward Woodwoodwoodward wandering around being uptight whilst Christopher Lee dresses up like Carol Vorderman and dances about. Britt Ekland gets her norks out, but other than that, this is one of those movies that everybody pretends to like but secretly hates (Citizen Kane, Chinatown etc).
And they burn him at the end.
And it’s still rubbish.
People that say, “It’s freezing”.
Of course it is, it’s January you muppet. Its not like this is a surprise is it? Every single year it’s cold at this time, so wear more clothes and a hat.
You tool.
Dawn French being sexy on adverts.
Because she’s not. She is a funny lady, but sorry she ain’t doing it for me.
She is not my idea of a sexy woman, laying on her back looking like Mount Snickers, draped in silk pyjamas.
Maybe I’m being sizeist but I wouldn’t touch her with yours, and if anything is going to make me not want to eat that product, it’s seeing an immense troll being all seductive.
Stick to shabby sitcoms love, it’s easier for us all that way.
Fads.
South Park. Does anyone still watch that and buy the stuff?
Or Teletubbies/Power Rangers/Tracy Island.
Those things that come and go, leaving no sense or reason.
Fads for those little scooter things that cost £80, Cabbage Patch Dolls (I laughed watching parents having fist-fights in the late 80s for those ugly little things).
The Big Breakfast
Used to be good. And then came Richard Bacon, a living breathing Alan Partridge and now it’s like watching an elderly relative trying to eat soup after a stroke – messy and embarrassing to be in the same room.
Garage Music.
Sorry but it’s terrible. Godawful “Lundun” MCs with basic rapping ability and 30 mates all standing around. Think East 17 with added bass.
Jim Davidson.
Not that I have anything against alcoholic cockney wife-beating racist comics as such, but for some reason he makes me skin crawl and my teeth itch.
------
Alien Vs Predator 2 – Personal opinion (just mine and mine alone) – Rubbish.
Did the Alien story in 4hrs, the Marine story in 5 and played the Predator for 30 minutes before turning it off in disgust.
The Predator.
Look! He has a spear gun! Wow
And he can be invisible, except they can still see you! Hurrah!
He has the ability to leap up to 8ft! Whoopee!
When you’re the Alien, you fight a Predator and it takes only one swipe from his stick to kill you.
Much frustration, but when you are the Predator, it takes several smashes wiv stick to kill an Alien.
A little fairness please?
Multiplayer Morons.
Online gaming is top, except for when you meet newbies with no clue. Return to Castle Wolfenstein a perfect example:
A lieutenant is there to provide ammo for the team, otherwise you run out and charge about trying to knife people. Not good.
So the team has 3 Lts, but they decide to not give ammo to the players. So the only thing left is to set them on fire and shoot their flaming corpses to teach them a lesson.
Learn your class abilities before you play please, it makes it so much more fun for the others.
And those stupid players that leap about wildly making it impossible to shoot them.
Bah
Metal Gear Solid 2 being released in March.
Why?
Japan and America have their copies, so why make us wait for more months? “It’s because of the Xbox” is the main reason given.
Well if that’s the case, Sony are saving their premier PS2 title for the launch date of the Xbox, then I’m getting me one of those green machines and refusing to get MGS2 on principle. I want to play that game, don’t play stupid marketing games with me please or I’ll never buy another game for your machine.
Movie-based games.
They suck, without exception.
A film license means “Steer Clear, this game stinks like ass.”
I can’t think of one single film license game that doesn’t reek like week-dead animals. Goldeneye was good, but bears little relation to the film.
So that’s different.
Games-based movies:
See above.
Tomb Raider/Mario Bros etc. These are awful, awful turgid wastes of millions of dollars.
The Wicker Man
This is a cult movie. I hadn’t seen it until New Year’s Eve when I taped it.
It’s rubbish.
90 mins of Edward Woodwoodwoodward wandering around being uptight whilst Christopher Lee dresses up like Carol Vorderman and dances about. Britt Ekland gets her norks out, but other than that, this is one of those movies that everybody pretends to like but secretly hates (Citizen Kane, Chinatown etc).
And they burn him at the end.
And it’s still rubbish.
People that say, “It’s freezing”.
Of course it is, it’s January you muppet. Its not like this is a surprise is it? Every single year it’s cold at this time, so wear more clothes and a hat.
You tool.
Dawn French being sexy on adverts.
Because she’s not. She is a funny lady, but sorry she ain’t doing it for me.
She is not my idea of a sexy woman, laying on her back looking like Mount Snickers, draped in silk pyjamas.
Maybe I’m being sizeist but I wouldn’t touch her with yours, and if anything is going to make me not want to eat that product, it’s seeing an immense troll being all seductive.
Stick to shabby sitcoms love, it’s easier for us all that way.
Fads.
South Park. Does anyone still watch that and buy the stuff?
Or Teletubbies/Power Rangers/Tracy Island.
Those things that come and go, leaving no sense or reason.
Fads for those little scooter things that cost £80, Cabbage Patch Dolls (I laughed watching parents having fist-fights in the late 80s for those ugly little things).
The Big Breakfast
Used to be good. And then came Richard Bacon, a living breathing Alan Partridge and now it’s like watching an elderly relative trying to eat soup after a stroke – messy and embarrassing to be in the same room.
Garage Music.
Sorry but it’s terrible. Godawful “Lundun” MCs with basic rapping ability and 30 mates all standing around. Think East 17 with added bass.
Jim Davidson.
Not that I have anything against alcoholic cockney wife-beating racist comics as such, but for some reason he makes me skin crawl and my teeth itch.
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Gary Oldman's sister is in Eastenders?
Cool.
Still won't watch it though.
Until they bring back Ali, Mehmet and Linda the Punk I refuse to watch this noncy tosh.
And I want more jokes about Ethel's willy.
Cool.
Still won't watch it though.
Until they bring back Ali, Mehmet and Linda the Punk I refuse to watch this noncy tosh.
And I want more jokes about Ethel's willy.
The only possible redeeming feature is old Mo Slater and the quality of her acting. To think, she's Gary Oldman's sister - wonder who got the quality of acting in that family?
Nasty Nic "Gissa fiver ma,you s**g."
What a top villain, I remember the stunning "Nick goes cold turkey" episode where Pete "Pwincess" Beale laughed at him through the bedroom window.
What a top villain, I remember the stunning "Nick goes cold turkey" episode where Pete "Pwincess" Beale laughed at him through the bedroom window.
You can get it for a fiver in EB, mon.
wrote:
> Man, I saw one of the Eastender ethnic stereotypes dancing to "The Isrealites" by Desmond and The Dekkers.
No King Tubby or Scratch Perry, nosirree, just white-man's reggae.
Fantastic.
And I love, in soaps, all blokes with long hair and leather jackets are thieving villains.
> Man, I saw one of the Eastender ethnic stereotypes dancing to "The Isrealites" by Desmond and The Dekkers.
No King Tubby or Scratch Perry, nosirree, just white-man's reggae.
Fantastic.
And I love, in soaps, all blokes with long hair and leather jackets are thieving villains.
She's the Lord of the Earrings. Ha ha.
You'd think so wouldn't you.
I watched some eastenders on C4 "Best TV Treats" and there was a clip from the show with Pat and Roy in mini-cabs.
Made my head hurt to watch.
Pat Butcher - someone tell Peter Jackson that he's lost a Balrog.
I watched some eastenders on C4 "Best TV Treats" and there was a clip from the show with Pat and Roy in mini-cabs.
Made my head hurt to watch.
Pat Butcher - someone tell Peter Jackson that he's lost a Balrog.
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