The "General Games Chat" forum, which includes Retro Game Reviews, has been archived and is now read-only. You cannot post here or create a new thread or review on this forum.
Here's a 'hilarious' version AA's infamous '12 steps' towards recovery of alcoholism. Below are twelve easy steps to having your next generation console become the butt of everyone's jokes!
1. You don't need friends!
You are the man. You are...the man! You don't need any friends or third party developers to make games for your machine...do it all yourself!
2. Beware of pirates!
Make sure not to make your games using anything that can be copied. This means that piracy will not eat away at miniscule sections of your profits! Remember, it's not the money, it's the principle dammit!
3. Defy convention!
Where other developers may try to make a cool console that looks very modern and stylish, you should show you're so cool you don't need to look cool, by adding on random objects to your console (such as coathangers) and having it in lots of girly colours like plink and glitter.
4. Do it for yourself!
Most people that buy consoles are idiots, phillistines looking for the new Fifa game. They don't care about art! What does it matter if nobody buys/likes your game, as long as you have fun that's what truly matters! Let your idiotic pet projects about little space fingers who do things run wild!
5. Mum's the word!
Don't let anybody steal your ideas...the best way to do this is not actually let anyone other than hardcore fans that your console exists at all! Keep it hidden, then nobody will rip you off!
6. Be competetive!
Why should somebody buy your console over another? Well, price is a big factor. Cut enough corners so it only costs you £20 to make each one, and sell it for a profit at an RRP of £29.99! Bung in a dozen games, fourteen controllers and a memory card and the sales figures will go through the roof!
7. Be yourself!
Whenever someone has something to say about your console, ignore them. They're probably idiots. Don't let things like 'that Spaceworld video of Zelda looks great' sway you...be true to yourself, and make everything as crap as you want; it's your console after all!
8. Have killer games!
You'll need great games, otherwise there'll be no point in having your console. Note how I say killer games, the plural (take note Microsoft!)...you only need around two or three games to qualify, and you can release these all witihn the last four days of your console's life. It all counts, and that little glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel will have customers buying your machine in droves!
9. Have wacky add-ons!
So your console isn't as pretty as the others...well with a few bells and whistles it'll go from a Ford Escort to a spruced up Ford Escort with a new engine and shiny hubcaps! Try a toaster adaptor and maybe some anti-freeze packets to staple onto the side...thank me later!
10. When you can't get all killer...use all filler!
Whilst your three killer apps are in development, you'll need something to tide them over. Just look through an Alton Towers brochure, take on idea from their rides and make a five hour game out of it! Ghost ride, mystery tour, crooked house...there's literally dozens of ideas to keep the gamers busy!
11. Ignore silly regions!
Europe is the third biggest games-buying region in the world. And two's company, but three's a crowd. Going on this logic, Europe is stupid! Set up a European branch of your business to stop those crazy topless sunbathing people happy, and whenever they complain, just stick your fingers in your ears and don't listen! 'Forget' to release games, make all games cost £5m...do what you like, they can't touch you!
12. Never steal good ideas!
Now play fair. Whenever there's a good idea, like online gaming or a silver, all region DVD playing version of your console, don't steal (or "use") it. I mean, it's just not cricket. Stick with your rubbish console and stunning first-person-rollercoaster games and you'll eventually shine through!
Follow those tips and Argos will be selling your console for tuppence before you can say 'Dreamcast'. Thank you and goodbye!
1. You don't need friends!
You are the man. You are...the man! You don't need any friends or third party developers to make games for your machine...do it all yourself!
2. Beware of pirates!
Make sure not to make your games using anything that can be copied. This means that piracy will not eat away at miniscule sections of your profits! Remember, it's not the money, it's the principle dammit!
3. Defy convention!
Where other developers may try to make a cool console that looks very modern and stylish, you should show you're so cool you don't need to look cool, by adding on random objects to your console (such as coathangers) and having it in lots of girly colours like plink and glitter.
4. Do it for yourself!
Most people that buy consoles are idiots, phillistines looking for the new Fifa game. They don't care about art! What does it matter if nobody buys/likes your game, as long as you have fun that's what truly matters! Let your idiotic pet projects about little space fingers who do things run wild!
5. Mum's the word!
Don't let anybody steal your ideas...the best way to do this is not actually let anyone other than hardcore fans that your console exists at all! Keep it hidden, then nobody will rip you off!
6. Be competetive!
Why should somebody buy your console over another? Well, price is a big factor. Cut enough corners so it only costs you £20 to make each one, and sell it for a profit at an RRP of £29.99! Bung in a dozen games, fourteen controllers and a memory card and the sales figures will go through the roof!
7. Be yourself!
Whenever someone has something to say about your console, ignore them. They're probably idiots. Don't let things like 'that Spaceworld video of Zelda looks great' sway you...be true to yourself, and make everything as crap as you want; it's your console after all!
8. Have killer games!
You'll need great games, otherwise there'll be no point in having your console. Note how I say killer games, the plural (take note Microsoft!)...you only need around two or three games to qualify, and you can release these all witihn the last four days of your console's life. It all counts, and that little glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel will have customers buying your machine in droves!
9. Have wacky add-ons!
So your console isn't as pretty as the others...well with a few bells and whistles it'll go from a Ford Escort to a spruced up Ford Escort with a new engine and shiny hubcaps! Try a toaster adaptor and maybe some anti-freeze packets to staple onto the side...thank me later!
10. When you can't get all killer...use all filler!
Whilst your three killer apps are in development, you'll need something to tide them over. Just look through an Alton Towers brochure, take on idea from their rides and make a five hour game out of it! Ghost ride, mystery tour, crooked house...there's literally dozens of ideas to keep the gamers busy!
11. Ignore silly regions!
Europe is the third biggest games-buying region in the world. And two's company, but three's a crowd. Going on this logic, Europe is stupid! Set up a European branch of your business to stop those crazy topless sunbathing people happy, and whenever they complain, just stick your fingers in your ears and don't listen! 'Forget' to release games, make all games cost £5m...do what you like, they can't touch you!
12. Never steal good ideas!
Now play fair. Whenever there's a good idea, like online gaming or a silver, all region DVD playing version of your console, don't steal (or "use") it. I mean, it's just not cricket. Stick with your rubbish console and stunning first-person-rollercoaster games and you'll eventually shine through!
Follow those tips and Argos will be selling your console for tuppence before you can say 'Dreamcast'. Thank you and goodbye!
Page:
Whitestripes wrote:
> So in all, it's not intelligent, half of them aren't even shortfalls,
> it isn't funny, and you, are an idiot.
I disagree. I think that it is screechinglty true to current matters (war) and just because it doesn't have *comically falls over* in it, doesn't mean it's not good.
> So in all, it's not intelligent, half of them aren't even shortfalls,
> it isn't funny, and you, are an idiot.
I disagree. I think that it is screechinglty true to current matters (war) and just because it doesn't have *comically falls over* in it, doesn't mean it's not good.
Whitestripes wrote:
> uhhh...what? You seem to be forgeting a few major points, like the
> fact that the Gamecube has many 3rd parties developers. EA have
> pledged their allegance with 20 games in the works already, AAA games
> like Splinter Cell being given more content (yes, even more than the
> XBox downloads). In terms of amounts of games, it isn't far behind the
> XBox at all.
It's not 'teh truth'. It's a myth, carried over from the N64.
> not forgetting the fact that many industry giants have teamed up with
> Nintendo to produce AAA games (Sega, Capcom, Square, Konami etc.)
Considering most of Square and Konami's GCN games haven't come out yet, calling them AAA is rich.
> And? So they are stopping *criminals* from undertaking in *illegal*
> activities....yes...
Yes. But they're overly cautious. Remember the cartridges? Piracy isn't hurting Sony and MS...
> This is just childish and pathetic, I shouldn't need to explain.
The GC is purple. It is a funny girly colour. And explain to me why the GC has a handle, please?
> I don't even see what you're getting a here. Oh, wait, you're probably
> another person with numb brain who can't comprehend anything
> 'different', 'original' or 'fun'.
It was a joke at Pikmin's expense. A joke.
> I've seen more GC TV adverts than I have for XBox, and Nintendo have
> been around ages.
It's a joke, again carried over from the N64.
> So releasing it at a cut price is a shortfall? Are you bloody stupid
> or something?
No, but it comes off as the 'cheap' console. Not saying I believe that, but that's the image.
> Again, this is just childish and pathetic. You claim to be poking
> gentle fun, yet this is neither intelligent nor funny.
It is funny. Everyone loved the mature Zelda, and then they changed it. That's funny.
> They're are already lots of killer game for the GC, and a load being
> released during this year. That's hardly within the last few months is
> it?
That 'last few months' isn't directly to do with the GC. And the main killer games (Sunshine, Prime, Zelda) are very far apart.
> So linking up with GBA games, having a GBA player and a wireless
> controller is bad is it? Hmmm...
No, it's not, it's cool.
> Read the first part again, and Nintendo have more than three killer
> games.
Read my topic again. This 'fictional console' has three killer games. And really, I wouldn't count SMB as a killer game. A great game worth owning, yes, but the killers are again Mario, Metroid, Zelda.
> While I can't argue their treatment of Europe, £5m for a game?
> GC games are cheaper than PS2 or Xbox games, and that's a shortfall?
That was a joke, not related tot he GC.
> And what about Sony, why the hell do they still charge so much for a
> two year old console?
Because they can. At £400 they'd still sell.
> So it doens't play DVDs? So what? I already have two other DVD players
> in my house, and mose people have one too. As for online play, it's
> hardly sent XBox sales through the roof, it won't be until next
> generation that online play becomes that 'big'.
It was a comment aimed at the Q not being released around the world. And XBOX Live is an attractive prospect for existing owners too, and the subscription earns MS money.
> So in all, it's not intelligent, half of them aren't even shortfalls,
> it isn't funny, and you, are an idiot.
The fact you have taken a lighthearted post at full bloody face value is laughable. Whenever you see a jokey GC thread, why not just pass it over next time, yes?
> uhhh...what? You seem to be forgeting a few major points, like the
> fact that the Gamecube has many 3rd parties developers. EA have
> pledged their allegance with 20 games in the works already, AAA games
> like Splinter Cell being given more content (yes, even more than the
> XBox downloads). In terms of amounts of games, it isn't far behind the
> XBox at all.
It's not 'teh truth'. It's a myth, carried over from the N64.
> not forgetting the fact that many industry giants have teamed up with
> Nintendo to produce AAA games (Sega, Capcom, Square, Konami etc.)
Considering most of Square and Konami's GCN games haven't come out yet, calling them AAA is rich.
> And? So they are stopping *criminals* from undertaking in *illegal*
> activities....yes...
Yes. But they're overly cautious. Remember the cartridges? Piracy isn't hurting Sony and MS...
> This is just childish and pathetic, I shouldn't need to explain.
The GC is purple. It is a funny girly colour. And explain to me why the GC has a handle, please?
> I don't even see what you're getting a here. Oh, wait, you're probably
> another person with numb brain who can't comprehend anything
> 'different', 'original' or 'fun'.
It was a joke at Pikmin's expense. A joke.
> I've seen more GC TV adverts than I have for XBox, and Nintendo have
> been around ages.
It's a joke, again carried over from the N64.
> So releasing it at a cut price is a shortfall? Are you bloody stupid
> or something?
No, but it comes off as the 'cheap' console. Not saying I believe that, but that's the image.
> Again, this is just childish and pathetic. You claim to be poking
> gentle fun, yet this is neither intelligent nor funny.
It is funny. Everyone loved the mature Zelda, and then they changed it. That's funny.
> They're are already lots of killer game for the GC, and a load being
> released during this year. That's hardly within the last few months is
> it?
That 'last few months' isn't directly to do with the GC. And the main killer games (Sunshine, Prime, Zelda) are very far apart.
> So linking up with GBA games, having a GBA player and a wireless
> controller is bad is it? Hmmm...
No, it's not, it's cool.
> Read the first part again, and Nintendo have more than three killer
> games.
Read my topic again. This 'fictional console' has three killer games. And really, I wouldn't count SMB as a killer game. A great game worth owning, yes, but the killers are again Mario, Metroid, Zelda.
> While I can't argue their treatment of Europe, £5m for a game?
> GC games are cheaper than PS2 or Xbox games, and that's a shortfall?
That was a joke, not related tot he GC.
> And what about Sony, why the hell do they still charge so much for a
> two year old console?
Because they can. At £400 they'd still sell.
> So it doens't play DVDs? So what? I already have two other DVD players
> in my house, and mose people have one too. As for online play, it's
> hardly sent XBox sales through the roof, it won't be until next
> generation that online play becomes that 'big'.
It was a comment aimed at the Q not being released around the world. And XBOX Live is an attractive prospect for existing owners too, and the subscription earns MS money.
> So in all, it's not intelligent, half of them aren't even shortfalls,
> it isn't funny, and you, are an idiot.
The fact you have taken a lighthearted post at full bloody face value is laughable. Whenever you see a jokey GC thread, why not just pass it over next time, yes?
Not forgetting the fact that both PS2 & Xbox use software to play DVDs, rendering the quality rubbish when compared to a proper DVD player.
pfftt
Most of it is complete crap anyway.
> 1. You don't need friends!
> You are the man. You are...the man! You don't need any friends or
> third party developers to make games for your machine...do it all
> yourself!
>
uhhh...what? You seem to be forgeting a few major points, like the fact that the Gamecube has many 3rd parties developers. EA have pledged their allegance with 20 games in the works already, AAA games like Splinter Cell being given more content (yes, even more than the XBox downloads). In terms of amounts of games, it isn't far behind the XBox at all.
not forgetting the fact that many industry giants have teamed up with Nintendo to produce AAA games (Sega, Capcom, Square, Konami etc.)
> 2. Beware of pirates!
> Make sure not to make your games using anything that can be copied.
> This means that piracy will not eat away at miniscule sections of your
> profits! Remember, it's not the money, it's the principle dammit!
And? So they are stopping *criminals* from undertaking in *illegal* activities....yes...
>
> 3. Defy convention!
> Where other developers may try to make a cool console that looks very
> modern and stylish, you should show you're so cool you don't need to
> look cool, by adding on random objects to your console (such as
> coathangers) and having it in lots of girly colours like plink and
> glitter.
>
This is just childish and pathetic, I shouldn't need to explain.
> 4. Do it for yourself!
> Most people that buy consoles are idiots, phillistines looking for the
> new Fifa game. They don't care about art! What does it matter if
> nobody buys/likes your game, as long as you have fun that's what truly
> matters! Let your idiotic pet projects about little space fingers who
> do things run wild!
>
I don't even see what you're getting a here. Oh, wait, you're probably another person with numb brain who can't comprehend anything 'different', 'original' or 'fun'.
> 5. Mum's the word!
> Don't let anybody steal your ideas...the best way to do this is not
> actually let anyone other than hardcore fans that your console exists
> at all! Keep it hidden, then nobody will rip you off!
I've seen more GC TV adverts than I have for XBox, and Nintendo have been around ages.
>
> 6. Be competetive!
> Why should somebody buy your console over another? Well, price is a
> big factor. Cut enough corners so it only costs you £20 to make
> each one, and sell it for a profit at an RRP of £29.99! Bung in
> a dozen games, fourteen controllers and a memory card and the sales
> figures will go through the roof!
>
So releasing it at a cut price is a shortfall? Are you bloody stupid or something?
> 7. Be yourself!
> Whenever someone has something to say about your console, ignore them.
> They're probably idiots. Don't let things like 'that Spaceworld video
> of Zelda looks great' sway you...be true to yourself, and make
> everything as crap as you want; it's your console after all!
Again, this is just childish and pathetic. You claim to be poking gentle fun, yet this is neither intelligent nor funny.
>
> 8. Have killer games!
> You'll need great games, otherwise there'll be no point in having your
> console. Note how I say killer games, the plural (take note
> Microsoft!)...you only need around two or three games to qualify, and
> you can release these all witihn the last four days of your console's
> life. It all counts, and that little glimmer of light at the end of
> the tunnel will have customers buying your machine in droves!
They're are already lots of killer game for the GC, and a load being released during this year. That's hardly within the last few months is it?
>
> 9. Have wacky add-ons!
> So your console isn't as pretty as the others...well with a few bells
> and whistles it'll go from a Ford Escort to a spruced up Ford Escort
> with a new engine and shiny hubcaps! Try a toaster adaptor and maybe
> some anti-freeze packets to staple onto the side...thank me later!
So linking up with GBA games, having a GBA player and a wireless controller is bad is it? Hmmm...
>
> 10. When you can't get all killer...use all filler!
> Whilst your three killer apps are in development, you'll need
> something to tide them over. Just look through an Alton Towers
> brochure, take on idea from their rides and make a five hour game out
> of it! Ghost ride, mystery tour, crooked house...there's literally
> dozens of ideas to keep the gamers busy!
Read the first part again, and Nintendo have more than three killer games.
>
> 11. Ignore silly regions!
> Europe is the third biggest games-buying region in the world. And
> two's company, but three's a crowd. Going on this logic, Europe is
> stupid! Set up a European branch of your business to stop those crazy
> topless sunbathing people happy, and whenever they complain, just
> stick your fingers in your ears and don't listen! 'Forget' to release
> games, make all games cost £5m...do what you like, they can't
> touch you!
While I can't argue their treatment of Europe, £5m for a game? GC games are cheaper than PS2 or Xbox games, and that's a shortfall?
And what about Sony, why the hell do they still charge so much for a two year old console?
>
> 12. Never steal good ideas!
> Now play fair. Whenever there's a good idea, like online gaming or a
> silver, all region DVD playing version of your console, don't steal
> (or "use") it. I mean, it's just not cricket. Stick with
> your rubbish console and stunning first-person-rollercoaster games and
> you'll eventually shine through!
So it doens't play DVDs? So what? I already have two other DVD players in my house, and mose people have one too. As for online play, it's hardly sent XBox sales through the roof, it won't be until next generation that online play becomes that 'big'.
So in all, it's not intelligent, half of them aren't even shortfalls, it isn't funny, and you, are an idiot.
Most of it is complete crap anyway.
> 1. You don't need friends!
> You are the man. You are...the man! You don't need any friends or
> third party developers to make games for your machine...do it all
> yourself!
>
uhhh...what? You seem to be forgeting a few major points, like the fact that the Gamecube has many 3rd parties developers. EA have pledged their allegance with 20 games in the works already, AAA games like Splinter Cell being given more content (yes, even more than the XBox downloads). In terms of amounts of games, it isn't far behind the XBox at all.
not forgetting the fact that many industry giants have teamed up with Nintendo to produce AAA games (Sega, Capcom, Square, Konami etc.)
> 2. Beware of pirates!
> Make sure not to make your games using anything that can be copied.
> This means that piracy will not eat away at miniscule sections of your
> profits! Remember, it's not the money, it's the principle dammit!
And? So they are stopping *criminals* from undertaking in *illegal* activities....yes...
>
> 3. Defy convention!
> Where other developers may try to make a cool console that looks very
> modern and stylish, you should show you're so cool you don't need to
> look cool, by adding on random objects to your console (such as
> coathangers) and having it in lots of girly colours like plink and
> glitter.
>
This is just childish and pathetic, I shouldn't need to explain.
> 4. Do it for yourself!
> Most people that buy consoles are idiots, phillistines looking for the
> new Fifa game. They don't care about art! What does it matter if
> nobody buys/likes your game, as long as you have fun that's what truly
> matters! Let your idiotic pet projects about little space fingers who
> do things run wild!
>
I don't even see what you're getting a here. Oh, wait, you're probably another person with numb brain who can't comprehend anything 'different', 'original' or 'fun'.
> 5. Mum's the word!
> Don't let anybody steal your ideas...the best way to do this is not
> actually let anyone other than hardcore fans that your console exists
> at all! Keep it hidden, then nobody will rip you off!
I've seen more GC TV adverts than I have for XBox, and Nintendo have been around ages.
>
> 6. Be competetive!
> Why should somebody buy your console over another? Well, price is a
> big factor. Cut enough corners so it only costs you £20 to make
> each one, and sell it for a profit at an RRP of £29.99! Bung in
> a dozen games, fourteen controllers and a memory card and the sales
> figures will go through the roof!
>
So releasing it at a cut price is a shortfall? Are you bloody stupid or something?
> 7. Be yourself!
> Whenever someone has something to say about your console, ignore them.
> They're probably idiots. Don't let things like 'that Spaceworld video
> of Zelda looks great' sway you...be true to yourself, and make
> everything as crap as you want; it's your console after all!
Again, this is just childish and pathetic. You claim to be poking gentle fun, yet this is neither intelligent nor funny.
>
> 8. Have killer games!
> You'll need great games, otherwise there'll be no point in having your
> console. Note how I say killer games, the plural (take note
> Microsoft!)...you only need around two or three games to qualify, and
> you can release these all witihn the last four days of your console's
> life. It all counts, and that little glimmer of light at the end of
> the tunnel will have customers buying your machine in droves!
They're are already lots of killer game for the GC, and a load being released during this year. That's hardly within the last few months is it?
>
> 9. Have wacky add-ons!
> So your console isn't as pretty as the others...well with a few bells
> and whistles it'll go from a Ford Escort to a spruced up Ford Escort
> with a new engine and shiny hubcaps! Try a toaster adaptor and maybe
> some anti-freeze packets to staple onto the side...thank me later!
So linking up with GBA games, having a GBA player and a wireless controller is bad is it? Hmmm...
>
> 10. When you can't get all killer...use all filler!
> Whilst your three killer apps are in development, you'll need
> something to tide them over. Just look through an Alton Towers
> brochure, take on idea from their rides and make a five hour game out
> of it! Ghost ride, mystery tour, crooked house...there's literally
> dozens of ideas to keep the gamers busy!
Read the first part again, and Nintendo have more than three killer games.
>
> 11. Ignore silly regions!
> Europe is the third biggest games-buying region in the world. And
> two's company, but three's a crowd. Going on this logic, Europe is
> stupid! Set up a European branch of your business to stop those crazy
> topless sunbathing people happy, and whenever they complain, just
> stick your fingers in your ears and don't listen! 'Forget' to release
> games, make all games cost £5m...do what you like, they can't
> touch you!
While I can't argue their treatment of Europe, £5m for a game? GC games are cheaper than PS2 or Xbox games, and that's a shortfall?
And what about Sony, why the hell do they still charge so much for a two year old console?
>
> 12. Never steal good ideas!
> Now play fair. Whenever there's a good idea, like online gaming or a
> silver, all region DVD playing version of your console, don't steal
> (or "use") it. I mean, it's just not cricket. Stick with
> your rubbish console and stunning first-person-rollercoaster games and
> you'll eventually shine through!
So it doens't play DVDs? So what? I already have two other DVD players in my house, and mose people have one too. As for online play, it's hardly sent XBox sales through the roof, it won't be until next generation that online play becomes that 'big'.
So in all, it's not intelligent, half of them aren't even shortfalls, it isn't funny, and you, are an idiot.
America is a bigger market than Europe... but what's the other one that pushes it into third? Japan is far smaller, the rest of the east is verging on 100% piracy, so where's left?
No, it isn't. It's a jokey poking fun at some of the shortfalls of the Gamecube. Anyone who wasn't so unhealthily serious about Nintendo can see that.
This is a rather pathetic attempt at rubbishing the Gamecube.
Before Whitestripes posts something long, let it be known I never said that the GC was rubbish.
Do I sense hostility towards the GameCube?
Here's a 'hilarious' version AA's infamous '12 steps' towards recovery of alcoholism. Below are twelve easy steps to having your next generation console become the butt of everyone's jokes!
1. You don't need friends!
You are the man. You are...the man! You don't need any friends or third party developers to make games for your machine...do it all yourself!
2. Beware of pirates!
Make sure not to make your games using anything that can be copied. This means that piracy will not eat away at miniscule sections of your profits! Remember, it's not the money, it's the principle dammit!
3. Defy convention!
Where other developers may try to make a cool console that looks very modern and stylish, you should show you're so cool you don't need to look cool, by adding on random objects to your console (such as coathangers) and having it in lots of girly colours like plink and glitter.
4. Do it for yourself!
Most people that buy consoles are idiots, phillistines looking for the new Fifa game. They don't care about art! What does it matter if nobody buys/likes your game, as long as you have fun that's what truly matters! Let your idiotic pet projects about little space fingers who do things run wild!
5. Mum's the word!
Don't let anybody steal your ideas...the best way to do this is not actually let anyone other than hardcore fans that your console exists at all! Keep it hidden, then nobody will rip you off!
6. Be competetive!
Why should somebody buy your console over another? Well, price is a big factor. Cut enough corners so it only costs you £20 to make each one, and sell it for a profit at an RRP of £29.99! Bung in a dozen games, fourteen controllers and a memory card and the sales figures will go through the roof!
7. Be yourself!
Whenever someone has something to say about your console, ignore them. They're probably idiots. Don't let things like 'that Spaceworld video of Zelda looks great' sway you...be true to yourself, and make everything as crap as you want; it's your console after all!
8. Have killer games!
You'll need great games, otherwise there'll be no point in having your console. Note how I say killer games, the plural (take note Microsoft!)...you only need around two or three games to qualify, and you can release these all witihn the last four days of your console's life. It all counts, and that little glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel will have customers buying your machine in droves!
9. Have wacky add-ons!
So your console isn't as pretty as the others...well with a few bells and whistles it'll go from a Ford Escort to a spruced up Ford Escort with a new engine and shiny hubcaps! Try a toaster adaptor and maybe some anti-freeze packets to staple onto the side...thank me later!
10. When you can't get all killer...use all filler!
Whilst your three killer apps are in development, you'll need something to tide them over. Just look through an Alton Towers brochure, take on idea from their rides and make a five hour game out of it! Ghost ride, mystery tour, crooked house...there's literally dozens of ideas to keep the gamers busy!
11. Ignore silly regions!
Europe is the third biggest games-buying region in the world. And two's company, but three's a crowd. Going on this logic, Europe is stupid! Set up a European branch of your business to stop those crazy topless sunbathing people happy, and whenever they complain, just stick your fingers in your ears and don't listen! 'Forget' to release games, make all games cost £5m...do what you like, they can't touch you!
12. Never steal good ideas!
Now play fair. Whenever there's a good idea, like online gaming or a silver, all region DVD playing version of your console, don't steal (or "use") it. I mean, it's just not cricket. Stick with your rubbish console and stunning first-person-rollercoaster games and you'll eventually shine through!
Follow those tips and Argos will be selling your console for tuppence before you can say 'Dreamcast'. Thank you and goodbye!
1. You don't need friends!
You are the man. You are...the man! You don't need any friends or third party developers to make games for your machine...do it all yourself!
2. Beware of pirates!
Make sure not to make your games using anything that can be copied. This means that piracy will not eat away at miniscule sections of your profits! Remember, it's not the money, it's the principle dammit!
3. Defy convention!
Where other developers may try to make a cool console that looks very modern and stylish, you should show you're so cool you don't need to look cool, by adding on random objects to your console (such as coathangers) and having it in lots of girly colours like plink and glitter.
4. Do it for yourself!
Most people that buy consoles are idiots, phillistines looking for the new Fifa game. They don't care about art! What does it matter if nobody buys/likes your game, as long as you have fun that's what truly matters! Let your idiotic pet projects about little space fingers who do things run wild!
5. Mum's the word!
Don't let anybody steal your ideas...the best way to do this is not actually let anyone other than hardcore fans that your console exists at all! Keep it hidden, then nobody will rip you off!
6. Be competetive!
Why should somebody buy your console over another? Well, price is a big factor. Cut enough corners so it only costs you £20 to make each one, and sell it for a profit at an RRP of £29.99! Bung in a dozen games, fourteen controllers and a memory card and the sales figures will go through the roof!
7. Be yourself!
Whenever someone has something to say about your console, ignore them. They're probably idiots. Don't let things like 'that Spaceworld video of Zelda looks great' sway you...be true to yourself, and make everything as crap as you want; it's your console after all!
8. Have killer games!
You'll need great games, otherwise there'll be no point in having your console. Note how I say killer games, the plural (take note Microsoft!)...you only need around two or three games to qualify, and you can release these all witihn the last four days of your console's life. It all counts, and that little glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel will have customers buying your machine in droves!
9. Have wacky add-ons!
So your console isn't as pretty as the others...well with a few bells and whistles it'll go from a Ford Escort to a spruced up Ford Escort with a new engine and shiny hubcaps! Try a toaster adaptor and maybe some anti-freeze packets to staple onto the side...thank me later!
10. When you can't get all killer...use all filler!
Whilst your three killer apps are in development, you'll need something to tide them over. Just look through an Alton Towers brochure, take on idea from their rides and make a five hour game out of it! Ghost ride, mystery tour, crooked house...there's literally dozens of ideas to keep the gamers busy!
11. Ignore silly regions!
Europe is the third biggest games-buying region in the world. And two's company, but three's a crowd. Going on this logic, Europe is stupid! Set up a European branch of your business to stop those crazy topless sunbathing people happy, and whenever they complain, just stick your fingers in your ears and don't listen! 'Forget' to release games, make all games cost £5m...do what you like, they can't touch you!
12. Never steal good ideas!
Now play fair. Whenever there's a good idea, like online gaming or a silver, all region DVD playing version of your console, don't steal (or "use") it. I mean, it's just not cricket. Stick with your rubbish console and stunning first-person-rollercoaster games and you'll eventually shine through!
Follow those tips and Argos will be selling your console for tuppence before you can say 'Dreamcast'. Thank you and goodbye!
Page: