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Here's a 'hilarious' version AA's infamous '12 steps' towards recovery of alcoholism. Below are twelve easy steps to having your next generation console become the butt of everyone's jokes!
1. You don't need friends!
You are the man. You are...the man! You don't need any friends or third party developers to make games for your machine...do it all yourself!
2. Beware of pirates!
Make sure not to make your games using anything that can be copied. This means that piracy will not eat away at miniscule sections of your profits! Remember, it's not the money, it's the principle dammit!
3. Defy convention!
Where other developers may try to make a cool console that looks very modern and stylish, you should show you're so cool you don't need to look cool, by adding on random objects to your console (such as coathangers) and having it in lots of girly colours like plink and glitter.
4. Do it for yourself!
Most people that buy consoles are idiots, phillistines looking for the new Fifa game. They don't care about art! What does it matter if nobody buys/likes your game, as long as you have fun that's what truly matters! Let your idiotic pet projects about little space fingers who do things run wild!
5. Mum's the word!
Don't let anybody steal your ideas...the best way to do this is not actually let anyone other than hardcore fans that your console exists at all! Keep it hidden, then nobody will rip you off!
6. Be competetive!
Why should somebody buy your console over another? Well, price is a big factor. Cut enough corners so it only costs you £20 to make each one, and sell it for a profit at an RRP of £29.99! Bung in a dozen games, fourteen controllers and a memory card and the sales figures will go through the roof!
7. Be yourself!
Whenever someone has something to say about your console, ignore them. They're probably idiots. Don't let things like 'that Spaceworld video of Zelda looks great' sway you...be true to yourself, and make everything as crap as you want; it's your console after all!
8. Have killer games!
You'll need great games, otherwise there'll be no point in having your console. Note how I say killer games, the plural (take note Microsoft!)...you only need around two or three games to qualify, and you can release these all witihn the last four days of your console's life. It all counts, and that little glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel will have customers buying your machine in droves!
9. Have wacky add-ons!
So your console isn't as pretty as the others...well with a few bells and whistles it'll go from a Ford Escort to a spruced up Ford Escort with a new engine and shiny hubcaps! Try a toaster adaptor and maybe some anti-freeze packets to staple onto the side...thank me later!
10. When you can't get all killer...use all filler!
Whilst your three killer apps are in development, you'll need something to tide them over. Just look through an Alton Towers brochure, take on idea from their rides and make a five hour game out of it! Ghost ride, mystery tour, crooked house...there's literally dozens of ideas to keep the gamers busy!
11. Ignore silly regions!
Europe is the third biggest games-buying region in the world. And two's company, but three's a crowd. Going on this logic, Europe is stupid! Set up a European branch of your business to stop those crazy topless sunbathing people happy, and whenever they complain, just stick your fingers in your ears and don't listen! 'Forget' to release games, make all games cost £5m...do what you like, they can't touch you!
12. Never steal good ideas!
Now play fair. Whenever there's a good idea, like online gaming or a silver, all region DVD playing version of your console, don't steal (or "use") it. I mean, it's just not cricket. Stick with your rubbish console and stunning first-person-rollercoaster games and you'll eventually shine through!
Follow those tips and Argos will be selling your console for tuppence before you can say 'Dreamcast'. Thank you and goodbye!
1. You don't need friends!
You are the man. You are...the man! You don't need any friends or third party developers to make games for your machine...do it all yourself!
2. Beware of pirates!
Make sure not to make your games using anything that can be copied. This means that piracy will not eat away at miniscule sections of your profits! Remember, it's not the money, it's the principle dammit!
3. Defy convention!
Where other developers may try to make a cool console that looks very modern and stylish, you should show you're so cool you don't need to look cool, by adding on random objects to your console (such as coathangers) and having it in lots of girly colours like plink and glitter.
4. Do it for yourself!
Most people that buy consoles are idiots, phillistines looking for the new Fifa game. They don't care about art! What does it matter if nobody buys/likes your game, as long as you have fun that's what truly matters! Let your idiotic pet projects about little space fingers who do things run wild!
5. Mum's the word!
Don't let anybody steal your ideas...the best way to do this is not actually let anyone other than hardcore fans that your console exists at all! Keep it hidden, then nobody will rip you off!
6. Be competetive!
Why should somebody buy your console over another? Well, price is a big factor. Cut enough corners so it only costs you £20 to make each one, and sell it for a profit at an RRP of £29.99! Bung in a dozen games, fourteen controllers and a memory card and the sales figures will go through the roof!
7. Be yourself!
Whenever someone has something to say about your console, ignore them. They're probably idiots. Don't let things like 'that Spaceworld video of Zelda looks great' sway you...be true to yourself, and make everything as crap as you want; it's your console after all!
8. Have killer games!
You'll need great games, otherwise there'll be no point in having your console. Note how I say killer games, the plural (take note Microsoft!)...you only need around two or three games to qualify, and you can release these all witihn the last four days of your console's life. It all counts, and that little glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel will have customers buying your machine in droves!
9. Have wacky add-ons!
So your console isn't as pretty as the others...well with a few bells and whistles it'll go from a Ford Escort to a spruced up Ford Escort with a new engine and shiny hubcaps! Try a toaster adaptor and maybe some anti-freeze packets to staple onto the side...thank me later!
10. When you can't get all killer...use all filler!
Whilst your three killer apps are in development, you'll need something to tide them over. Just look through an Alton Towers brochure, take on idea from their rides and make a five hour game out of it! Ghost ride, mystery tour, crooked house...there's literally dozens of ideas to keep the gamers busy!
11. Ignore silly regions!
Europe is the third biggest games-buying region in the world. And two's company, but three's a crowd. Going on this logic, Europe is stupid! Set up a European branch of your business to stop those crazy topless sunbathing people happy, and whenever they complain, just stick your fingers in your ears and don't listen! 'Forget' to release games, make all games cost £5m...do what you like, they can't touch you!
12. Never steal good ideas!
Now play fair. Whenever there's a good idea, like online gaming or a silver, all region DVD playing version of your console, don't steal (or "use") it. I mean, it's just not cricket. Stick with your rubbish console and stunning first-person-rollercoaster games and you'll eventually shine through!
Follow those tips and Argos will be selling your console for tuppence before you can say 'Dreamcast'. Thank you and goodbye!
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Memorandum wrote:
> The Gamecube is getting its own, exclusive MGS title. So nyah.
Oh really?
There is a MGS title in development. Nobody knows what it is.
> The Gamecube is getting its own, exclusive MGS title. So nyah.
Oh really?
There is a MGS title in development. Nobody knows what it is.
A bit biased towards the good ol' Cube there, but probably the best post of yours I have read. Not bad at all :-)
Whitestripes wrote:
> It's like me writing a post mocking the PS2 for being an expensive
> waste disposal unit, when it doesn't have any such feature at all,
> nothing even remotely similar.
No, because most of it's true for a lot of people and the excuses for not buying it. Nintendo do hate europe, but microsoft hate Japan so I'm sure that in Japan they have lots of threads like this abot X-box.
Possibly.
> It's like me writing a post mocking the PS2 for being an expensive
> waste disposal unit, when it doesn't have any such feature at all,
> nothing even remotely similar.
No, because most of it's true for a lot of people and the excuses for not buying it. Nintendo do hate europe, but microsoft hate Japan so I'm sure that in Japan they have lots of threads like this abot X-box.
Possibly.
The Gamecube is getting its own, exclusive MGS title. So nyah.
Melancholy wrote:
> It's funny how blokey, a PS2 owner, can have a better understanding of
> Nintendo then a fan boy.
Excuse me, but 75% of it is factually incorrect, and therefore complete crap.
It's like me writing a post mocking the PS2 for being an expensive waste disposal unit, when it doesn't have any such feature at all, nothing even remotely similar.
> It's funny how blokey, a PS2 owner, can have a better understanding of
> Nintendo then a fan boy.
Excuse me, but 75% of it is factually incorrect, and therefore complete crap.
It's like me writing a post mocking the PS2 for being an expensive waste disposal unit, when it doesn't have any such feature at all, nothing even remotely similar.
Whitestripes wrote:
> So they're not out yet, are you saying that the new F-Zero, Final
> Fantasy and Metal Gear Solid, exclusive for the GC, are not going to
> be AAA games?
MGS is already available (and has been for some time) on the PS2. And it's out now on the XBOX. So no, it won't be an AAA title. F-Zero probably will be, but Final Fantasy still could be rubbish.
> And so half of them are 'carried over' from the N64, now how are you
> poking fun at the Gamecube then; when it's no longer true?
Most of the GC's image is carried over from the N64. That's how.
> You comments about the colour and handle really are, truly pathetic.
> And you seem to be forgetting that it comes in black.
I'm right, aren't I? And yes, it's made in black, but it's also made in purple.
> So they're not out yet, are you saying that the new F-Zero, Final
> Fantasy and Metal Gear Solid, exclusive for the GC, are not going to
> be AAA games?
MGS is already available (and has been for some time) on the PS2. And it's out now on the XBOX. So no, it won't be an AAA title. F-Zero probably will be, but Final Fantasy still could be rubbish.
> And so half of them are 'carried over' from the N64, now how are you
> poking fun at the Gamecube then; when it's no longer true?
Most of the GC's image is carried over from the N64. That's how.
> You comments about the colour and handle really are, truly pathetic.
> And you seem to be forgetting that it comes in black.
I'm right, aren't I? And yes, it's made in black, but it's also made in purple.
He isn't making fun of the gamecube.
He's giving a typical view of one, which he's said he has.
He's giving a typical view of one, which he's said he has.
It's funny how blokey, a PS2 owner, can have a better understanding of Nintendo then a fan boy.
But it's also funny if you can eat a banana in one gulp...
But it's also funny if you can eat a banana in one gulp...
So they're not out yet, are you saying that the new F-Zero, Final Fantasy and Metal Gear Solid, exclusive for the GC, are not going to be AAA games?
And so half of them are 'carried over' from the N64, now how are you poking fun at the Gamecube then; when it's no longer true?
You comments about the colour and handle really are, truly pathetic. And you seem to be forgetting that it comes in black.
I can take jokes about the GC, but the majority of it isn't even true; it's completely made up And the rest is taken from the N64 which, to the best of my knowledge, is not a Gamecube.
And so half of them are 'carried over' from the N64, now how are you poking fun at the Gamecube then; when it's no longer true?
You comments about the colour and handle really are, truly pathetic. And you seem to be forgetting that it comes in black.
I can take jokes about the GC, but the majority of it isn't even true; it's completely made up And the rest is taken from the N64 which, to the best of my knowledge, is not a Gamecube.
Japan is the homeland of Nintendo, and they buy more games than Europe.
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