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"Crap Night"

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Thu 13/12/01 at 00:12
Regular
Posts: 787
Tonight is going to be a very, very long one.
I don't share much personal info with you chaps because it makes me uncomfortable.
However.

Tomorrow (in 5 mins) will be Dec 13th.
Exactly one year ago today that my girlfriend's dad died.
And it sucks.
She didn't want me over there tonight, wanted to be by herself and I have to respect that.
So I did my gig in Camden (she didn't come to this one) and then phoned her on the way home. She sounded ok, bit sad.

And then 20 mins ago she phoned in floods of tears, still doesn't want company though and it's breaking my heart.
Her family are all in New Zealand, she came over 4 years ago to make a go of things so it's especially hard for her being alone here.
I mean, I know she has me and her mates, but family-wise they are all 12,000 miles away.
He was 52 yrs old and died instantly of a heart-attack whilst out walking with a mate.

I was in London recording an EP with Parker.
That evening, 12th Dec 1990, my girlfriend had her work Xmas do so she went to that and stayed in a hotel nr Reading for the night.
I went out with my boys to celebrate the end of recording the main parts and went back to hers to sleep.
I was woken at 7am by the phone ringing Weds morning.
I thought it was her, but it was her sister ringing from NZ to tell me that her dad had died.
My girlfriend was fast asleep in a hotel 30+ miles away.
I had to drive over there and tell her.
I can't describe what it's like to have to tell your partner that their dad has just died.

She fell to pieces, as expected.
Work sorted out a flight for her that day and she left to go home 5hrs after me telling her.
I had to put her on a plane, in tears to face a 27hr flight alone after just finding out about her dad.
I never want to feel like that again, seeing the person I love walking through a departure gate alone holding onto a flight attendant.
The flight cost £2,200 and there was no way I could afford to go as well.

I drove back to her flat to sort out someone to look after the cats and take care of the place on the days I couldn't be there.
Just me, in the middle of her flat knowing that she was on a plane surrounded by strangers on her way home to meet her family.
She spent Xmas back in New Zealand that year and came back mid-January.
I went with my boys to watch them do their duo work for New Years Eve 2000, but I left at 11:30 to get home so she could call me at Midnight.
It was so hard seeing 2001 in with my beautiful angel in tears 12,000 miles away on a phone.

I wanted to be there, to hold her and tell her that it would be ok despite how she felt right there and then.
But what do you say? "There there"? Nothing sounds honest enough, all you can do is say sorry over and over and promise to pick her up from the airport.

This year has been hard for her, and tonight especially.
It is now Dec 13th 2001. 12 months to the day that her father passed away.
She has phoned twice already, I have my mobile beside me so she can ring.
Tomorrow night is my work Xmas party, but I will leave in a second if she phones me and says come over.
Life sucks sometimes, honest and decent people are taken from you in a second whilst all around the world there are people that wish nothing but harm on others, still alive.

I don't believe in God, but if I did I would be screaming at him right now for making her feel like this.
I'm going to be awake for most of this night, excuse me if I don't post too much though, it's a time of quiet reflection and remembering someone.

She misses you Vic, and wants you to know that you were a good father to your kids and you did a good job.
I promise to look after your daughter and will let no harm come to her as long as I am alive.

In memory:
Vic Kay 1948-1990
Thu 13/12/01 at 19:31
Regular
"You've upset me"
Posts: 21,152
I apologise for all my typo's in the previous post.
Thu 13/12/01 at 19:29
Regular
"You've upset me"
Posts: 21,152
I'm so sorry to hear that, Goaty.

Dunno what I can say really, I've only ever come into contact with death once. Last year my Grandpa died of a brain tumor. Despite only seeing him once or twice a year, I felt relaly close to him. The year before, he'd suffered from Guilleine Barrie Syndrome (Not sure if that's spelt right) It's a very rare condisition,. not quite sure what it does to you though. Anyway, he was in hospital for around 6 months I visited him when the chance arose. And, against all odds, he recovered from it. very few people ever do, but he revoered and got better. Only to die of cancer the following year. Such a pity he was such a nice bloke.

Anyway, condolencs to you and your lady Goaty, I hope it all works out.
Thu 13/12/01 at 17:54
Regular
"Excommunicated"
Posts: 23,284
Death does suck, sorry or whatever you say to people that go through that. It must have sucked for you and your girlfriend last year.

Until this August I never really came in contact with death. Although my next door neighbour who I played with as a kid died this time 2 years ago, got to drunk and drowned in river.

Over this Summer my grampa (as I call him) was in hospital a lot and I kind of new he was dying... I wanted to go and see him but he didn't want me to as he wanted me to remember him the way he was, which was fair. So when he died the day I was meant to be going to a U2 concert it felt really crap, I didn't know how to feel. It sucked... I was just trying to be strong for mum, gran and aunt. They were cool... really. Now it seems as if its just been a really long time since I last saw him... Christmas will suck but were going to cemetary which I thinks a good thing.

Best Wishes or whatever you say... just seems strange some 15 year old from Scotland giving best wishes to you and your New Zealand girlfriend.... you know what I mean :)
Thu 13/12/01 at 15:36
Regular
"Twenty quid."
Posts: 11,452
Goatboy wrote:
> sorry to be so whiny about this all

Don't be foolish - anyone who's felt the way you do will understand, even if Mr. "Wake Up" doesn't.
Thu 13/12/01 at 15:35
"High polygon count"
Posts: 15,624
It's 2 years ago this week that my nan died. Not the same as a parent, but equally hard to see your mum in floods of tears at Xmas Top of the Pops because "I believe in Angels" is playing.

Even if you are there, it doesn't stop you feeling any less helpless.


>Life sucks sometimes, honest and decent people are taken
>from you in a second whilst all around the world there are
>people that wish nothing but harm on others, still alive.

Funny - that's exactly the way I think.

All the best to you and your lady, Goaty.
Thu 13/12/01 at 15:02
Regular
"Infantalised Forums"
Posts: 23,089
cheers man.
I keep sending her emails with stupid jokes and idiot mpeg movies to make her laugh.

She may only be in West London but it feels like an ocean away, and there really isn't anything I can say or do, just be there when she needs someone.

Work party tonight and I told them that if I get a phone call, then I will leave there and go to her and they don't understand "But you've paid" "There's nothing you can do".
I just don't feel like watching everyone get drunk and wondering if my girl is sitting alone in her flat crying.

She says she doesn't want anyone there today, and although it kills me,I have to respect her wish.
sorry to be so whiny about this all, but today is really hard and i dont want to be at work hearing her on the phone.
Thu 13/12/01 at 14:53
Regular
"funky blitzkreig"
Posts: 2,540
What you and you're girlfriend are going through sounds awful. I know how you feel about phone calls. They don't make you close to someone, they make you want to be close to someone instead, which isn't always good, when it's impossible. I met a girl on holiday a few years ago who was like me in almost every way and the problem was that after two weeks she went home to Texas and I was left only with phonecalls and e-mail for communication, which is never really enough. I know the circumstances are entirely different from yours but I can understand the frustration of only being able to be close through a phonecall. Whenever I have phoned we always end up depressed because for the forseeable future that is as close as we shall be.

It might seem like phoning is nothing like the amount of support you want to provide but if it's the most you can give then you should keep doing it. I hope that you come through this together. My thoughts are with you.
Thu 13/12/01 at 12:52
Regular
"Infantalised Forums"
Posts: 23,089
She's phoned twice in the past 2 hours, she's not doing well at all.
And the only thing I can do is sit here and tell her it'll be ok down a phone.

I feel so useless right now.
Work Xmas do tonight and I don't want to go,I just want to make things good for her and I can't.

Feeling helpless sucks.
Thu 13/12/01 at 12:50
Regular
"Twenty quid."
Posts: 11,452
I lost a friend earlier this year and it still hurts, but it seems worse when someone you care about is feeling the pain. My girlfriend lost her dad some years ago and I too wish I could make it all alright for her but I can't.

Whoever wrote the "Wake up" post should feel ashamed and should at least apologise.

Keep it up, Goatboy.
Thu 13/12/01 at 12:21
Regular
"Too Orangy For Crow"
Posts: 15,844
It must be torture knowing that the one you love is hurting and yet there is not much you can do about it. The only advice I can give is be there for her, if she wants to talk, be a good listener, if she wants a shoulder to cry on, be there for her.

My Gran was diagnosed with schleroderma (sp?) in the middle of last year. The doctors gave her a couple of years to live. She died about this time last year. She had rapidly decreased and was dead in six months.

The only positive thing that could possibly come from this is that your relationship with your girlfriend will probably get stronger.

Just hang in there Goatboy!

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