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Remember the WHSmith's 'Raw Talent' competition in which you had to send in the first chapter of a novel?
Well here's what I entered. Tell me what you think.
"Hot enough for you?" came a muffled voice from the darkness. The voice was deep, almost sinister, and seemed somehow mocking.
It certainly was hot enough, too hot. I could feel the sweat forming on my brow, and soaking into the bandages that covered most of my head. I wanted to answer, tell the nurse that it was too hot, ask her to do something about it, but I feared that if I opened my mouth, or even my eyes the pain would return again. Ever since I had woken from that terrible accident, I had experienced an incredible pain that felt like an intense burning, it would come at least twice a day, and last for around an hour.
I had tried to describe it to one of the doctors, but could never describe it accurately without bringing it on, and he simply said it was down to the severity of my injuries. I just couldn't believe this though. The pain was not the same as that in my broken arms and legs, or my fractured skull, those pains could be relieved by medication, not like this other pain, nothing could touch that.
"Your bandages can come off today Mr Harding, but I'm afraid you'll be in the casts for a little while longer yet." Said the nurse, I assumed it to be the same nurse that spoke earlier, but her tone had changed completely, she now sounded exhausted, yet caring. Maybe it was a different nurse. Of course, I could have simply opened my eyes to look, but I feared making any movement, for any movement could bring on the pain, and I wasn't ready for it yet.
The thought of the bandages being removed lifted me. The optimist in me told me that it might stop that horrible pain, that I would be free from it, the feeling that a red hot poker was being passed through my very soul. The nasty part of my mind wouldn't let me believe that the pain could stop, it told me I'd feel it forever, and that it would get worse and worse and worse. This thought made me retch and every muscle in my body went tight, and I thought that it was coming, but no, not yet, it had to torture me more. Sometimes the waiting was the worst part.
I opened my eyes. The light dazzled me for just a second, until my eyes became familiar with the surroundings. White, very white and clinical. A typical private room in a hospital, except for one thing, the curtains. The curtains seemed out of place in a hospital for a couple of reasons, but the one reason that stood out was their colour, a deep, dark red. I couldn't look at them, I found them disturbing, I had to look away, at anything. I found myself staring at one of those white walls. It must have been really hot in here, the wall appeared to be sweating. I closed my eyes, intending to look again in a second, convinced that my mind was playing tricks on me, but this only brought on what I feared most.
The pain was starting again.
Well here's what I entered. Tell me what you think.
"Hot enough for you?" came a muffled voice from the darkness. The voice was deep, almost sinister, and seemed somehow mocking.
It certainly was hot enough, too hot. I could feel the sweat forming on my brow, and soaking into the bandages that covered most of my head. I wanted to answer, tell the nurse that it was too hot, ask her to do something about it, but I feared that if I opened my mouth, or even my eyes the pain would return again. Ever since I had woken from that terrible accident, I had experienced an incredible pain that felt like an intense burning, it would come at least twice a day, and last for around an hour.
I had tried to describe it to one of the doctors, but could never describe it accurately without bringing it on, and he simply said it was down to the severity of my injuries. I just couldn't believe this though. The pain was not the same as that in my broken arms and legs, or my fractured skull, those pains could be relieved by medication, not like this other pain, nothing could touch that.
"Your bandages can come off today Mr Harding, but I'm afraid you'll be in the casts for a little while longer yet." Said the nurse, I assumed it to be the same nurse that spoke earlier, but her tone had changed completely, she now sounded exhausted, yet caring. Maybe it was a different nurse. Of course, I could have simply opened my eyes to look, but I feared making any movement, for any movement could bring on the pain, and I wasn't ready for it yet.
The thought of the bandages being removed lifted me. The optimist in me told me that it might stop that horrible pain, that I would be free from it, the feeling that a red hot poker was being passed through my very soul. The nasty part of my mind wouldn't let me believe that the pain could stop, it told me I'd feel it forever, and that it would get worse and worse and worse. This thought made me retch and every muscle in my body went tight, and I thought that it was coming, but no, not yet, it had to torture me more. Sometimes the waiting was the worst part.
I opened my eyes. The light dazzled me for just a second, until my eyes became familiar with the surroundings. White, very white and clinical. A typical private room in a hospital, except for one thing, the curtains. The curtains seemed out of place in a hospital for a couple of reasons, but the one reason that stood out was their colour, a deep, dark red. I couldn't look at them, I found them disturbing, I had to look away, at anything. I found myself staring at one of those white walls. It must have been really hot in here, the wall appeared to be sweating. I closed my eyes, intending to look again in a second, convinced that my mind was playing tricks on me, but this only brought on what I feared most.
The pain was starting again.
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There's a website that does monthly competitions for short stories.
I could dig out the URL for you if you want it.
I think they have prizes of up to £100, if you're intersted.
Mind you, you'll have to wait until I'm at home, and when I remember!
I could dig out the URL for you if you want it.
I think they have prizes of up to £100, if you're intersted.
Mind you, you'll have to wait until I'm at home, and when I remember!
Yeah, I did write that ages ago, and I had some ideas that could follow on from where that finished, but I couldn't cut it down to 750 words without losing quite a bit.
So in the end I didn't enter anything.
Ah well, maybe next year...
So in the end I didn't enter anything.
Ah well, maybe next year...
I like that YH. But I think I told you that when you first posted it.
Could you have entered that though? It's more a short story than first chapter of a novel.
And whoever thought that limiting your first chapter to 750 words was a good idea?
Mind you, mine is only 525 words or so, but I didn't want to carry on, and exceed the limit.
Could you have entered that though? It's more a short story than first chapter of a novel.
And whoever thought that limiting your first chapter to 750 words was a good idea?
Mind you, mine is only 525 words or so, but I didn't want to carry on, and exceed the limit.
I was going to change this and enter it, but I couldn't cut it down enough without losing something.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The lightning tore across the sky, its near blinding flash illuminating the countryside for a brief instant. Its brilliance lighting the room the boy was in, the open curtains letting the light show his face. In a moment it was gone, leaving the world to the blackness of the night, the only sounds that of the rain on the window.
Then it followed. The deep rumbling of thunder, not so much heard as felt through the ground. The air vibrating with the deep resonance that only nature can produce. Then, silence. The after effects of the thunder deafening out the sound of the rain. But only for a short while, until the steady, insistent patter of the rain on the glass is audible again.
The boy looked up from his computer screen, out of the window. It was dark already? But he'd only been working for a short while, hadn't he? He glanced at the clock on the other side of the room, its red digits reading 12.30 were the only illumination in the room, except for the screen behind him. 12.30? That couldn't be right, surely? He looked back at the monitor, at what he'd been working on. Ah yes, that was it. The animated diaries for the FoG forum regulars. All the notables were done, Meka, FM, Ant, er-no, SHEEPY and Sniper.
What time had he started? He'd been the only one in the house all evening, so it could have been any time. Another bolt of lightning scorched the sky, leaving white images in the boys eyes. The thunder that followed was closer this time, the rain was heavier as well, knocking harder against the window. His thoughts returned to his previous trail. If he'd been working all evening, when did he have dinner? Realisation dawned, he hadn't had any, which would explain his sudden hunger pang.
He decided to go down to the kitchen to get some food. The rain continued thrumming on the windows of the house. Lightning flashed again as he got up and walked towards the stairs, the thunder still lagging behind slightly, indicating the storm was not quite overhead. He was surprised at the storm. The weather forecast had said it would be rainy and stormy, it looked like they got it right for once. This thought put a smile on his face as he started down the stairs, not needing the light as he had walked the so many times before.
Halfway down he stopped dead. What was that noise? He whirled around on the stairs, nearly falling, just catching his balance at the last minute. He steadied himself and took a deep breath, and continued down, heart pounding. As he got to the bottom, lightning lit up the sky once more, thunder following almost instantly. The boy thought he saw something out of the corner of his eye, in the kitchen. He looked over both shoulders, checking, then hurried along the hallway to the kitchen, towards where he had seen movement. Or had it been his imagination? He was alone in the house. Wasn't he?
Doubts flooded his mind as he took the last few steps to the doorway. He peeked around the doorframe, looking into the dark space in front of him. "Hello?" He called out, "Anyone there?". He jumped as the thunder rolled through the sky, arriving at the same time as the lightning. The storm was now right overhead, the rain the hardest it had been all evening, pummelling the house, trying to find a way in. A way in? Worry exploded through his mind. The doors, they were locked weren't they? He ran through the kitchen, nearly falling as he tripped in the dark, his need to get to the back door over-riding all sense of caution.
He was out of breath with worry and fear as he reached the back door, hand scrabbling for the key. His fingers couldn't feel it. Where was it? He was fumbling in the dark for it when the lightning came again. He looked down the length of the kitchen, and along the hallway, towards the front door. In the split second the lightning had illuminated he saw first one silhouette, then a second. They were approaching the door!
Fear gripped him, heart thumping so hard he thought it might come out of his chest. He couldn't see as the white after images of the lightning still burned his eyes as he continued to search for the key, fingers failing to find it. He felt hopeless as yet another bolt of lightning came. The two figures were almost at the door. He looked down, there was no key! Panic welled up inside him as he tried to turn the handle. It didn't move. The door was locked and there was no key! He slumped against the door, all hope gone and looked towards the front door as the two figures got ever closer.
He stood, frozen by his fear, as one of them reached up. He heard a key be inserted, then turned. The door opened, one of the figures reached out.....
Relief flooded through him as soon as the person had turned the light on.
"Mum? Dad!"
"Hello Grix, what are you doing up this late? Christ! What's wrong with you? You look like you've seen a ghost!" Grix lowered his head, cheeks colouring in embarrassment.
"It's nothing, just my imagination."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The lightning tore across the sky, its near blinding flash illuminating the countryside for a brief instant. Its brilliance lighting the room the boy was in, the open curtains letting the light show his face. In a moment it was gone, leaving the world to the blackness of the night, the only sounds that of the rain on the window.
Then it followed. The deep rumbling of thunder, not so much heard as felt through the ground. The air vibrating with the deep resonance that only nature can produce. Then, silence. The after effects of the thunder deafening out the sound of the rain. But only for a short while, until the steady, insistent patter of the rain on the glass is audible again.
The boy looked up from his computer screen, out of the window. It was dark already? But he'd only been working for a short while, hadn't he? He glanced at the clock on the other side of the room, its red digits reading 12.30 were the only illumination in the room, except for the screen behind him. 12.30? That couldn't be right, surely? He looked back at the monitor, at what he'd been working on. Ah yes, that was it. The animated diaries for the FoG forum regulars. All the notables were done, Meka, FM, Ant, er-no, SHEEPY and Sniper.
What time had he started? He'd been the only one in the house all evening, so it could have been any time. Another bolt of lightning scorched the sky, leaving white images in the boys eyes. The thunder that followed was closer this time, the rain was heavier as well, knocking harder against the window. His thoughts returned to his previous trail. If he'd been working all evening, when did he have dinner? Realisation dawned, he hadn't had any, which would explain his sudden hunger pang.
He decided to go down to the kitchen to get some food. The rain continued thrumming on the windows of the house. Lightning flashed again as he got up and walked towards the stairs, the thunder still lagging behind slightly, indicating the storm was not quite overhead. He was surprised at the storm. The weather forecast had said it would be rainy and stormy, it looked like they got it right for once. This thought put a smile on his face as he started down the stairs, not needing the light as he had walked the so many times before.
Halfway down he stopped dead. What was that noise? He whirled around on the stairs, nearly falling, just catching his balance at the last minute. He steadied himself and took a deep breath, and continued down, heart pounding. As he got to the bottom, lightning lit up the sky once more, thunder following almost instantly. The boy thought he saw something out of the corner of his eye, in the kitchen. He looked over both shoulders, checking, then hurried along the hallway to the kitchen, towards where he had seen movement. Or had it been his imagination? He was alone in the house. Wasn't he?
Doubts flooded his mind as he took the last few steps to the doorway. He peeked around the doorframe, looking into the dark space in front of him. "Hello?" He called out, "Anyone there?". He jumped as the thunder rolled through the sky, arriving at the same time as the lightning. The storm was now right overhead, the rain the hardest it had been all evening, pummelling the house, trying to find a way in. A way in? Worry exploded through his mind. The doors, they were locked weren't they? He ran through the kitchen, nearly falling as he tripped in the dark, his need to get to the back door over-riding all sense of caution.
He was out of breath with worry and fear as he reached the back door, hand scrabbling for the key. His fingers couldn't feel it. Where was it? He was fumbling in the dark for it when the lightning came again. He looked down the length of the kitchen, and along the hallway, towards the front door. In the split second the lightning had illuminated he saw first one silhouette, then a second. They were approaching the door!
Fear gripped him, heart thumping so hard he thought it might come out of his chest. He couldn't see as the white after images of the lightning still burned his eyes as he continued to search for the key, fingers failing to find it. He felt hopeless as yet another bolt of lightning came. The two figures were almost at the door. He looked down, there was no key! Panic welled up inside him as he tried to turn the handle. It didn't move. The door was locked and there was no key! He slumped against the door, all hope gone and looked towards the front door as the two figures got ever closer.
He stood, frozen by his fear, as one of them reached up. He heard a key be inserted, then turned. The door opened, one of the figures reached out.....
Relief flooded through him as soon as the person had turned the light on.
"Mum? Dad!"
"Hello Grix, what are you doing up this late? Christ! What's wrong with you? You look like you've seen a ghost!" Grix lowered his head, cheeks colouring in embarrassment.
"It's nothing, just my imagination."
It's good.... not a completely accurate description of 'Hell', but still, very good... Where many would write about one paragraph, your descriptive writing churns out about five.... and 'it's good, real good, ya hear?!'
Even if you don't win stuff for it, i'd like you to finish it, just so I can read it... :D
Game: Fiction Critic in the Making. :D
Even if you don't win stuff for it, i'd like you to finish it, just so I can read it... :D
Game: Fiction Critic in the Making. :D
It's good.... not a completely accurate description of 'Hell', but still, very good... Where many would write about one paragraph, your descriptive writing churns out about five.... and 'it's good, real good, ya hear?!'
Even if you don't win stuff for it, i'd like you to finish it, just so I can read it... :D
Game: Fiction Critic in the Making. :D
Even if you don't win stuff for it, i'd like you to finish it, just so I can read it... :D
Game: Fiction Critic in the Making. :D
I liked it.
Its one of the short pieces I enjoy, can't put finger on it.
Interesting beginning, gets you into it... bit in middle got basic plot and the ending was good.
Sheepy: Crap At reviewing stuff.
:)
Its one of the short pieces I enjoy, can't put finger on it.
Interesting beginning, gets you into it... bit in middle got basic plot and the ending was good.
Sheepy: Crap At reviewing stuff.
:)
FantasyMeister wrote:
> So he's really dead and in Hell then?
Yes, only he doesn't realise it.
Until the end.
> So he's really dead and in Hell then?
Yes, only he doesn't realise it.
Until the end.
So he's really dead and in Hell then?
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