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Mario annoys me.
In fact, he must be one of the most annoying videogame characters of all time.
What, with his "it's-a-me, Mario!", and his "here-we-go!", and all the other mind-grating catchphrases he comes out with.
So I've decided to kill him.
Firstly, I'd kidnap Toad, that spotty half-hobbit, half-mushroom thing.
Have-a-go-hero Mario would of course attempt to rescue him, and thus he would fall perilously into my devious ambush.
With the aid of some Road Runner-type contraption, I'd snare the loathsome plumber and bind his holier-than-thou hands behind his back.
With Mario captured, I'd stand him up, take a deep breath, wind-up all my energy into my right arm, then unleash a withering uppercut - knocking the stumpy superhero into a Tekken-style twisting somersault fall.
This sickening blow would render him unconscious.
Next, I'd whip out some shaving foam and an old-fashioned razor-blade, and as the Ninty weasel lay oblivious on the ground with twinkling stars spinning around his head, I'd gleefully shave off his god-aweful tash.
A symbolic gesture of supreme dominance on my part.
With the once powerful Mario tashless and still unconscious, I'd roll into the scene one of those cannons from Mario 64.
Then with the help of SEGA madboys Toejam & Earl, I'd load the chirpy blue and red fool feet-first into the cannon then wait.
As soon as I heard the nauseating tones of his bewildered awakening, I'd shove the cannon up against a brickwall, with the open end facing the wall.
Mario would come to his senses and shout from within the enclosed cannon: "Hey, whats-a-goin' on? It's a-me, Mario! Let-a-me outta here!"
On hearing his pitiful cries for help, I'd give Toejam the nod to fire the cannon.
Needless to say that Mario's thick head would impact the wall with such force that there would be nothing left but a bloody and mangled pulp.
Next, I'd take out Mario's headless corpse, sprinkle it with lighter fuel, and set it aflame.
The next day when his smouldering remains are nothing but crispy charcoal, I'd gather them up into a small box, wrap the box in glittery blue paper, then on Christmas Eve send the parcel with a note explaining the contents to:
SONIC
c/o SEGA Corporation
Japan
I'm sure the blue hedgehog would be more than amused.
In fact, he must be one of the most annoying videogame characters of all time.
What, with his "it's-a-me, Mario!", and his "here-we-go!", and all the other mind-grating catchphrases he comes out with.
So I've decided to kill him.
Firstly, I'd kidnap Toad, that spotty half-hobbit, half-mushroom thing.
Have-a-go-hero Mario would of course attempt to rescue him, and thus he would fall perilously into my devious ambush.
With the aid of some Road Runner-type contraption, I'd snare the loathsome plumber and bind his holier-than-thou hands behind his back.
With Mario captured, I'd stand him up, take a deep breath, wind-up all my energy into my right arm, then unleash a withering uppercut - knocking the stumpy superhero into a Tekken-style twisting somersault fall.
This sickening blow would render him unconscious.
Next, I'd whip out some shaving foam and an old-fashioned razor-blade, and as the Ninty weasel lay oblivious on the ground with twinkling stars spinning around his head, I'd gleefully shave off his god-aweful tash.
A symbolic gesture of supreme dominance on my part.
With the once powerful Mario tashless and still unconscious, I'd roll into the scene one of those cannons from Mario 64.
Then with the help of SEGA madboys Toejam & Earl, I'd load the chirpy blue and red fool feet-first into the cannon then wait.
As soon as I heard the nauseating tones of his bewildered awakening, I'd shove the cannon up against a brickwall, with the open end facing the wall.
Mario would come to his senses and shout from within the enclosed cannon: "Hey, whats-a-goin' on? It's a-me, Mario! Let-a-me outta here!"
On hearing his pitiful cries for help, I'd give Toejam the nod to fire the cannon.
Needless to say that Mario's thick head would impact the wall with such force that there would be nothing left but a bloody and mangled pulp.
Next, I'd take out Mario's headless corpse, sprinkle it with lighter fuel, and set it aflame.
The next day when his smouldering remains are nothing but crispy charcoal, I'd gather them up into a small box, wrap the box in glittery blue paper, then on Christmas Eve send the parcel with a note explaining the contents to:
SONIC
c/o SEGA Corporation
Japan
I'm sure the blue hedgehog would be more than amused.
Page:
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Mario annoys me.
In fact, he must be one of the most annoying videogame characters of all time.
What, with his "it's-a-me, Mario!", and his "here-we-go!", and all the other mind-grating catchphrases he comes out with.
So I've decided to kill him.
Firstly, I'd kidnap Toad, that spotty half-hobbit, half-mushroom thing.
Have-a-go-hero Mario would of course attempt to rescue him, and thus he would fall perilously into my devious ambush.
With the aid of some Road Runner-type contraption, I'd snare the loathsome plumber and bind his holier-than-thou hands behind his back.
With Mario captured, I'd stand him up, take a deep breath, wind-up all my energy into my right arm, then unleash a withering uppercut - knocking the stumpy superhero into a Tekken-style twisting somersault fall.
This sickening blow would render him unconscious.
Next, I'd whip out some shaving foam and an old-fashioned razor-blade, and as the Ninty weasel lay oblivious on the ground with twinkling stars spinning around his head, I'd gleefully shave off his god-aweful tash.
A symbolic gesture of supreme dominance on my part.
With the once powerful Mario tashless and still unconscious, I'd roll into the scene one of those cannons from Mario 64.
Then with the help of SEGA madboys Toejam & Earl, I'd load the chirpy blue and red fool feet-first into the cannon then wait.
As soon as I heard the nauseating tones of his bewildered awakening, I'd shove the cannon up against a brickwall, with the open end facing the wall.
Mario would come to his senses and shout from within the enclosed cannon: "Hey, whats-a-goin' on? It's a-me, Mario! Let-a-me outta here!"
On hearing his pitiful cries for help, I'd give Toejam the nod to fire the cannon.
Needless to say that Mario's thick head would impact the wall with such force that there would be nothing left but a bloody and mangled pulp.
Next, I'd take out Mario's headless corpse, sprinkle it with lighter fuel, and set it aflame.
The next day when his smouldering remains are nothing but crispy charcoal, I'd gather them up into a small box, wrap the box in glittery blue paper, then on Christmas Eve send the parcel with a note explaining the contents to:
SONIC
c/o SEGA Corporation
Japan
I'm sure the blue hedgehog would be more than amused.
In fact, he must be one of the most annoying videogame characters of all time.
What, with his "it's-a-me, Mario!", and his "here-we-go!", and all the other mind-grating catchphrases he comes out with.
So I've decided to kill him.
Firstly, I'd kidnap Toad, that spotty half-hobbit, half-mushroom thing.
Have-a-go-hero Mario would of course attempt to rescue him, and thus he would fall perilously into my devious ambush.
With the aid of some Road Runner-type contraption, I'd snare the loathsome plumber and bind his holier-than-thou hands behind his back.
With Mario captured, I'd stand him up, take a deep breath, wind-up all my energy into my right arm, then unleash a withering uppercut - knocking the stumpy superhero into a Tekken-style twisting somersault fall.
This sickening blow would render him unconscious.
Next, I'd whip out some shaving foam and an old-fashioned razor-blade, and as the Ninty weasel lay oblivious on the ground with twinkling stars spinning around his head, I'd gleefully shave off his god-aweful tash.
A symbolic gesture of supreme dominance on my part.
With the once powerful Mario tashless and still unconscious, I'd roll into the scene one of those cannons from Mario 64.
Then with the help of SEGA madboys Toejam & Earl, I'd load the chirpy blue and red fool feet-first into the cannon then wait.
As soon as I heard the nauseating tones of his bewildered awakening, I'd shove the cannon up against a brickwall, with the open end facing the wall.
Mario would come to his senses and shout from within the enclosed cannon: "Hey, whats-a-goin' on? It's a-me, Mario! Let-a-me outta here!"
On hearing his pitiful cries for help, I'd give Toejam the nod to fire the cannon.
Needless to say that Mario's thick head would impact the wall with such force that there would be nothing left but a bloody and mangled pulp.
Next, I'd take out Mario's headless corpse, sprinkle it with lighter fuel, and set it aflame.
The next day when his smouldering remains are nothing but crispy charcoal, I'd gather them up into a small box, wrap the box in glittery blue paper, then on Christmas Eve send the parcel with a note explaining the contents to:
SONIC
c/o SEGA Corporation
Japan
I'm sure the blue hedgehog would be more than amused.
Page: