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"RPG games wind me up"

Ok, checking out my old games yesterday, I fired up an RPG game. Now, I know some of you RPG’ers can get a little scary, so just relax and realise that this is just my opinion.

I hate RPG games with a passion.
I don’t just mean I don’t enjoy them, they make me physically want to punch the next wizard I see.
Who plays these things? Why do they play these things?

Most games are a laugh, puzzle games can be quite involving. However, the thought of spending 3 days walking round a village to get a key from some dusty old fart that wants me to swap it for a sword makes me want to set fire to my head.
What is the appeal of these games?
I bought Final Fantasy something on the PSX on the recommendation of a mate (you will pay for conning me like that), and I gave it a go.

Was ok, strolled about trying to get into fights with children and use bins and stuff, then came to battle a giant scorpion.
Ok, I have to chuck a spell at it…a gun would be easier but ok, I’ll play along.
Right then, spelled him. Only now it’s his turn to attack.
Turn based attacks? Is this some pokey kung-fu flick where the 28 opponents all line up to attack in an orderly fashion instead of piling in and killing our intrepid hero?
Bunch of big old pants mate.

But I persevered and continued on.
Mooched about the woods for a bit and needed some stone to cross the bridge. Don’t ask me why, but the mystical old man said I did. Only to get the stone, I had to change some bird’s dog into a chair using the “morph” spell, that could only be obtained through more poncy item swapping.
Does this never end?
Why don’t these people just meet in the tavern and exchange their unwanted goods with each other?
Why wait for me to come along and traipse about performing chores when all I want to do is cross the dam bridge??
Why? Why do I have to solve the water puzzle for the Mythical Tree People of Sqangorjeepong so they’ll give me a staff to swap for some apples?

What kind of half-assed Wizard people are so good that they need a wandering stranger to go fetch them a scroll from some mook that lives in a ditch and wants to give me riddles?
Rubbish Wizards, don’t want their help if they can’t perform simple tasks without me.
And if I have to go to one more Inn and chat with some Vagabond that will tell me the password for the cave-entrance if I go fetch him someone, I will personally hunt down every D&D fan that ever rolled a D84 and beat them up with a stick.
(After I’ve traded some marbles I got for solving a riddle set by a giant talking tree of course)

Give me the old BBC adventure games where great fun could be had watching the computer come back with “I do not understand that word” and “I cannot open the box with my big stupid face”

Bah, Lylat Wars sucks

Indeed, you had me stroking my beard in contemplation. People shouldn't be too concerned about defending RPGs from insults anyway, since they make fun of themselves all the time. They tend to bring a nice mix of humour, gameplay and story anyway.

I know, I was pulling yer leg Gronti.

I just found it amusing that the stereo RPG beardy beard takes it well seriously and gets really beardy when someone laughs at those games.

And you responded with a massive post correcting me (good read but still long) and highlighting the plus points in a genre obsessed with swapping things and making spells.

Beardy

Hmm, that's odd, there wasn't an unkind word about you at all in my post. All I did, was try to explain to you the differences of RPGs and the way that they are not all the same. If you read it all you could see that I was just bringing to you a little bit of knowledge regarding the advantages and disadvantages of various RPGs. I thought you might like to know what you may have been missing, since according to your post you hate RPGs because of a bad experience with Final Fantasy. I ask you, you try to help and all you get is confused. Anyway, I never said it wasn't funny. I do have a sense of humour too, I can detect a joke both in an RPG and out. There's a bit in one where it takes a dig at old pen and paper style ones where your character takes control of a spirit warrior who has to explore rooms to find the right scrolls and things. Now that's humour. Well it's funnier if you see it. It's in Baldur's Gate 2, with the Throne of Bhaal expansion. Just incase you wanted to know.

Oh and I like Star Trek. MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!

No worries, someone's got to talk crap, and that someone is me.

Stay tuned for
"Fighting Games Wind Me Up"
"Space Games Wind Me Up"
"Platform Games Wind Me Up"

Good stuff!

I always enjoy reading your stuff, a really good laugh, showing yourself up like that.

Thank you.

Next I shall mostly be venting about Fighting Games

Good old Gaoty, venting his frustration again!

Gronti_v wrote:
> Ah, yes, I see it clearly now. You have been most foully tricked my
> friends. It is a common misconception that all RPGs are the same .......everyone and with new releases this is getting more
> true by the minute.


Geez, it was a light-hearted dig at beardy games.
See, that's why I put "some of you RPG'ers are scary"

Perhaps you could exchange the Wizard's Satsumas for a sense of humour, but only after going to see the hole-dwelling mystic of Quaxxor.

Worse than bloody Trekkies you lot.

Fair enough, no complaints from me. Everyone likes reading different styles etc.

I tried a few different magzines before settling with PCZ. I like the way they write, with a bit of humour to them. Also, I trust their reviews and agree with the scores they give.

Admittedly it was a couple of years ago when I read the others, so they may have changed.

But if it ain't broke and all that. It's best to stick with what you know.

I gave up PC Zone when they started being too offensive, biased and generally stand-offish. I hear they've changed a bit now (since it was quite some time ago, about Quake or Quake 2) but it's a bit late to get me back. Anyway PC Gamer is better in my humble opinion. I used to get them both by the way so I've compared.