Viewing Thread:
"Jokes- post them here"

Has anyone got any jokes that make yourself laugh and others. Jokes that are only funny to you but others don't seem to get. Or wet your pants jokes that make everyone laugh.

What's yours.
Here's mine (bare with me)

A tramp runs into a bar, and asks the barman for a toohpick, the barman tells him that he doesn't want any of his kind in the pub, so he gives him a toothpick and tells the tramp to tell the other tramps not to come in. Five minutes late another tramps runs in asking for a toothpick, the barman shouts i thought i told you lot to keep out. Any way the tramp gets his toothpick and runs out.
Another five minutes go past and a third tramp runs in, the barman is really annoyed now and hands out a toohpick straight away but the tramp doesn't want it, and asks for a straw; the barman asks him what he wants that for and says "a man has been sick down the alley and all the chunky bits have gone"

HAHAHA

HAHAHAHA

A young man was walking down a secluded beach at sunset with seemingly no one else around for miles. As he continued on his way, he saw something on the beach in the distance. He got closer and to his surprise he found that it was a young woman lying on the beach. As he got really close, he heard a soft crying and realised that something was different about this woman…she had no arms and no legs. He approached her and said “what’s wrong?” The woman replied, “I’m 21, I’ve no arms and no legs and I’ve never been kissed.” The man was filled with sadness and so leant down and planted a soft kiss on her lips. He smiled at the woman and then went to continue on his way. As he walked off a little he heard her crying again. He turned round ands said, “what’s the matter?” The woman replied, “I’m 21, I’ve no arms and no legs and I’ve never been screwed before.” Hearing this, the man bent down, took her into his arms and then hurled her into the sea whilst saying, “well, you’re well and truly screwed now, luv.”

here's another one (another bar joke)

a man walks in a bar and asks the barman for 3 double whiskies, and the barman says to him "are you sure" because there is only one man. He says yeah ,so he drinks them down and asks the barman for 3 double bacardi and coke, once agian the barman asks him if he's ok. He says i'm fine, he drinks them down (tipsy on his chair now) he says (in drunk voice)can i have another 3 whiskies, and the barman says to him that he is not allowed as he cannot see the man in a worse state. So the barman asks the man is it a special occasion, so the man goes "yeah i just had my first blow job" so the barman says "soo your'e celebrating then" and the man says "no, i just can't get that damn taste out of my mouth"

HAHAHAHA

What's big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera!

You know you want to laugh really.

Why on earth would you censor "condoms?"

Those damn right-wingers

The laziness would be better for everyone, I feel.

"sigh"okay

A groom before he gets married goes to his soon to be sis in law's house after she invites him.
She comes on to him,and says if he wants to "do it" to go up to her bedroom.
She runs upstairs and some panties fall down from the top of the stairs.
The groom runs straight to the front door,and when he gets out,see's his father-in-law there.
Well done he says,you have past the test,you can now marry my daughter.

The moral of the story:
Always keep your c*****s in the car!;)

Why was harold shipman the leader of the belmarsh boxing team?

He delivered a lethal jab.

Q What's white, made of plastic and dangerous to kids?

A Michael Jackson

* * *

Q How do you make a baby cry twice?

A Wipe your penis on its teddy bear

* * *

I've done enough sick jokes, I feel...

Thats not funny.....I could,but am too lazy to type all of a joke.