The "Creative Writing" forum, which includes Retro Game Reviews, has been archived and is now read-only. You cannot post here or create a new thread or review on this forum.
Day 12: I lay on my bed looking at the bottom of the bed on top of me. I’m stuck in this place for three months with a load of criminals. Well stuck in for a robbery that I failed the cops got there before we could smash through the doors. My room mate walks in "Look Alan it was accident he didn't mean to hit you the guy he was meant to hit dodged out the way and he hit you by mistake" Howard my room mate takes a breath and starts talking again "Look he wants to apologise to you let him will you?". "Ok then Howard I will" So I get up and walk out my room.
Day 13: Well I did let him apologise and me and him are friends now is name is Fred he was put in here because he stole a old ladies handbag and killed her nine years for him. I have scribbled out a bit of writing before this coz it was nothing important. Well breakfast today horrible old porridge but the cook was nice coz she likes me she gave me some nice beacon. This was lovely and crunchy which I love.
Day 15: Didn't write in Diary for a day coz yesterday we went to a farm helping with things like the pigs and stuff. I had to cut a load of crops with a big blade it was very good. Well today not porridge a beacon sandwich today :) I was very happy with that today I gave the cook a big kiss she got a big smile on her face.
Day 20: Well couldn't be bothered to write for five days just been reading a new book can't remember the name so that’s why I didn't write for five days. Well off to do some digging now fun fun fun! :(
Day 22: Was in the medical room all last night after putting a shovel hard through my shoe and cutting off the tip of my toes it hurt so badly. Now I don't have any nails on the tip of all my toes on my right foot. Well I’ve ripped out loads of pages in my diary coz I got annoyed. Only ten pages left now.
Day 23: Well this is getting boring writing this now its not going to get anywhere after prison. It’s only five pages so far and nobody’s going to buy a book that small. Well so nine more pages left after this and I’m only on day 23. But there’s ninety-two days in total so what am I going to have to do. Maybe I should miss out a couple of days yeah that’s what I will do miss out a couple of days.
Day 36: Yes I know that was lots of days I missed out so eight and a half pages left now. Well this is getting a tiny bit boring now I will stop after the eight and a half more pages, and I won’t write anymore of my diary. I will only if I’m bored and don’t have anything else to do in this hell hole.
Day 45: Page seven and a half today my wife came and visited me I was very happy to see her and she was very happy to see me. She tired to kiss me then the stupid prison guard split us up :( so I was very unhappy about that. But we talked about lots of things but I am so upset I won’t get to see the birth of my son my very first son. Being a man in my twenties this is very upsetting for me. But one of the really nice prison guards said he might let me out early :) so I am so happy about that.
Day 58: Well page five on the page before I drew a picture of how I hope my son to look he will be born on day eighty-eight and he will be the greatest son in the world. I hope to have more children after this but not for a little while. I hope to have two girls and two boys. Well off to do some digging now prison life isn’t as easy as you think it is.
Day 67: Page five still and a bit well right now I’m watching some T.V I’m watching some CBBC for some reason coz it’s that time of day and that is the only thing that is on. I am watching Looney tunes. Road racer is being chased once again I feel sorry for Coyote coz he never catches him. Page four and that is a big shame for Coyote I hope he catches that little idiot Road runner one day. Like I hope I get out here soon.
Day 78: Wahoo only fourteen days left now so soon I will be out this horrible hell of a place. Yep as you can tell I’m calling it a place like hell a lot. Well off to watch some more T.V now Hollyoaks is on must catch up with that. I only watch it for the women and my wife is a tiny bit annoyed about that.
Day 85: Seven days left and on page three no not the famous page three I wish but only women can get on there. Oh I can’t think up anything else now I’m going to play some pool I’ve done a ten pound bet of who win’s.
Day 92: Well last page filled up the others with more pictures. The pictures were of me on release and then one of my wife and the last one of the view from my prison window yeah not a very nice view. Yeah and you tell I wasn’t released early the prison guard was fired for trying to help a man escape. So that made me cry very much not getting to see the birth of my son. Well my doors being unlocked now I’m going home. Well here are the last words now of my diary and something for you to remember. Live life to the most and don’t be stupid. My son’s name is Michael Fredrick Smith and he is beautiful. Well the diary is full now and this is the last sentence I am fitting into the diary goodbye and……
Day 13: Well I did let him apologise and me and him are friends now is name is Fred he was put in here because he stole a old ladies handbag and killed her nine years for him. I have scribbled out a bit of writing before this coz it was nothing important. Well breakfast today horrible old porridge but the cook was nice coz she likes me she gave me some nice beacon. This was lovely and crunchy which I love.
Day 15: Didn't write in Diary for a day coz yesterday we went to a farm helping with things like the pigs and stuff. I had to cut a load of crops with a big blade it was very good. Well today not porridge a beacon sandwich today :) I was very happy with that today I gave the cook a big kiss she got a big smile on her face.
Day 20: Well couldn't be bothered to write for five days just been reading a new book can't remember the name so that’s why I didn't write for five days. Well off to do some digging now fun fun fun! :(
Day 22: Was in the medical room all last night after putting a shovel hard through my shoe and cutting off the tip of my toes it hurt so badly. Now I don't have any nails on the tip of all my toes on my right foot. Well I’ve ripped out loads of pages in my diary coz I got annoyed. Only ten pages left now.
Day 23: Well this is getting boring writing this now its not going to get anywhere after prison. It’s only five pages so far and nobody’s going to buy a book that small. Well so nine more pages left after this and I’m only on day 23. But there’s ninety-two days in total so what am I going to have to do. Maybe I should miss out a couple of days yeah that’s what I will do miss out a couple of days.
Day 36: Yes I know that was lots of days I missed out so eight and a half pages left now. Well this is getting a tiny bit boring now I will stop after the eight and a half more pages, and I won’t write anymore of my diary. I will only if I’m bored and don’t have anything else to do in this hell hole.
Day 45: Page seven and a half today my wife came and visited me I was very happy to see her and she was very happy to see me. She tired to kiss me then the stupid prison guard split us up :( so I was very unhappy about that. But we talked about lots of things but I am so upset I won’t get to see the birth of my son my very first son. Being a man in my twenties this is very upsetting for me. But one of the really nice prison guards said he might let me out early :) so I am so happy about that.
Day 58: Well page five on the page before I drew a picture of how I hope my son to look he will be born on day eighty-eight and he will be the greatest son in the world. I hope to have more children after this but not for a little while. I hope to have two girls and two boys. Well off to do some digging now prison life isn’t as easy as you think it is.
Day 67: Page five still and a bit well right now I’m watching some T.V I’m watching some CBBC for some reason coz it’s that time of day and that is the only thing that is on. I am watching Looney tunes. Road racer is being chased once again I feel sorry for Coyote coz he never catches him. Page four and that is a big shame for Coyote I hope he catches that little idiot Road runner one day. Like I hope I get out here soon.
Day 78: Wahoo only fourteen days left now so soon I will be out this horrible hell of a place. Yep as you can tell I’m calling it a place like hell a lot. Well off to watch some more T.V now Hollyoaks is on must catch up with that. I only watch it for the women and my wife is a tiny bit annoyed about that.
Day 85: Seven days left and on page three no not the famous page three I wish but only women can get on there. Oh I can’t think up anything else now I’m going to play some pool I’ve done a ten pound bet of who win’s.
Day 92: Well last page filled up the others with more pictures. The pictures were of me on release and then one of my wife and the last one of the view from my prison window yeah not a very nice view. Yeah and you tell I wasn’t released early the prison guard was fired for trying to help a man escape. So that made me cry very much not getting to see the birth of my son. Well my doors being unlocked now I’m going home. Well here are the last words now of my diary and something for you to remember. Live life to the most and don’t be stupid. My son’s name is Michael Fredrick Smith and he is beautiful. Well the diary is full now and this is the last sentence I am fitting into the diary goodbye and……
Page:
OR=Orential Rib
"YOU ARE MAN"
"OR what you mean See Crossbob?" makes no sense at all. Saying that without the "OR" may have made some sense. Now you've confused me.
Well, just make sure that you the take the advice from various people about using punctuation, complex vocabulary and really thinking it through
Good luck and I want to see that some thoughts gone in to it ... it needs a deeper meaning.
"OR what you mean See Crossbob?" makes no sense at all. Saying that without the "OR" may have made some sense. Now you've confused me.
Well, just make sure that you the take the advice from various people about using punctuation, complex vocabulary and really thinking it through
Good luck and I want to see that some thoughts gone in to it ... it needs a deeper meaning.
tnc wrote:
> You said you spent much longer on your second piece and that you would
> really put some effort in.
>
> And there's another problem, you never actually say what you mean.
> Express yourself. Have your own opinion and don't fall at everyone's
> feet.
>
> Shout it with me "I AM A MAN"
I AM A MAN! and I haven't even showen you the second piece yet its still be written :S Im going to add a different one for now coz the second one is on my sisters Laptop,and im on my own Laptop now. OR what you mean See Crossbob?
> You said you spent much longer on your second piece and that you would
> really put some effort in.
>
> And there's another problem, you never actually say what you mean.
> Express yourself. Have your own opinion and don't fall at everyone's
> feet.
>
> Shout it with me "I AM A MAN"
I AM A MAN! and I haven't even showen you the second piece yet its still be written :S Im going to add a different one for now coz the second one is on my sisters Laptop,and im on my own Laptop now. OR what you mean See Crossbob?
See Crossbob?
You said you spent much longer on your second piece and that you would really put some effort in.
And there's another problem, you never actually say what you mean. Express yourself. Have your own opinion and don't fall at everyone's feet.
Shout it with me "I AM A MAN"
And there's another problem, you never actually say what you mean. Express yourself. Have your own opinion and don't fall at everyone's feet.
Shout it with me "I AM A MAN"
No I have read anne Frank but please I do not want to read them books. I was just writing a quick diary im not going to write another.
Some of his work is getting better but this has unfortunately taken a dip, simply because he really doesn't "understand" the style that well.
Bob, I'll recommend these books to you if you want to continue in this style or trying anything like it again;
Feeling sorry for Celia - by Jacyln Moriarty
Letters from the inside - ...
The above show you the style of letters and thoughts on paper, for diary writings try;
The diary of Anne Frank - by Anne Frank
The secret diary of Adrian Mole aged 13-three-quarters - by Susan Townsend
Read them, soak up the style and then try again.
Bob, I'll recommend these books to you if you want to continue in this style or trying anything like it again;
Feeling sorry for Celia - by Jacyln Moriarty
Letters from the inside - ...
The above show you the style of letters and thoughts on paper, for diary writings try;
The diary of Anne Frank - by Anne Frank
The secret diary of Adrian Mole aged 13-three-quarters - by Susan Townsend
Read them, soak up the style and then try again.
He is getting better, you just have to drill it into him is all.
Whenever I've read any of his stories I have commented with constructive criticism, and there's been quite a few.
Others have also given advice, but when someone refuses to listen to advice and cannot form opinions for themself it gets on my nerves. I realise that was harsh but it wasn't supposed to be deadly serious.
He can get better by simply taking some time to plan things and actually heeding people's advice. Insults won't get him anywhere but perhaps it'll push him into improving his work.
Others have also given advice, but when someone refuses to listen to advice and cannot form opinions for themself it gets on my nerves. I realise that was harsh but it wasn't supposed to be deadly serious.
He can get better by simply taking some time to plan things and actually heeding people's advice. Insults won't get him anywhere but perhaps it'll push him into improving his work.
There isn't any need to be that harsh for gods sake, instead of turning out insults why don't you try giving him advice? Oh wait you did, but if you don't have anything else constructive to say, don't say it at all. How can he get better if he is constantly insulted for no reason, let alone insults that are that harsh?
Page: