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"Mortifying moments in film"

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Mon 29/08/05 at 12:30
Regular
Posts: 20,776
1) They made Robocop fly
[URL]http://www.mamegyorai.co.jp/images/items/25593-w300.jpg[/URL]

I should have guessed from the opening scenes, where a child (yes, a child) reprograms an ED-209 unit using nothing more than a laptop, that I was wasting my time. Every kid loved Robocop - he shot bad guys by the hundred, without even looking where he was shooting! The second film was surprisingly watchable, and featured an evil kid gangster character more disturbing than the chucky doll. But what the hell happened? Samurai robots? Flying Robocops? Hippies in the sewer? Ah jeez ...

2) Bunch of Cons get all sweaty in the garage in Lock Up
[URL]http://www.moviehole.net/img/lockup.jpg[/URL]

"This is hell, Leone, and I'm going to give you the guided tour". Bold claims indeed. So what do I see, but a bunch of prisoners in a maximum security prison, building a car in a fully kitted out garage, drinking moonshine and smoking cuban cigars. Jesus, poor b***ards.

3) Costner bungies to the rescue
[URL]http://www.millenicom.com/johnbrunskill/images/Carol's%20LA%20visit/312a%20Waterworld.JPG[/URL]

Against all odds, not a completely terrible film, I was taken in a little by just how much money they were willing to throw at a film, the scale of it all, even the sulky fishman character. "How shall we finish the movie?" "Something spectacular, surely?" "How about he bungies out of a hot air balloon and rescues a whinging, pug-faced little girl?" "Perfect."

4) The invisible car
[URL]http://us.ent4.yimg.com/movies.yahoo.com/images/hv/photo/movie_pix/mgm/die_another_day/bondcars.jpg[/URL]

It was bound to happen - one day bond films were inevitably going to become mainstream crap, drowned in a sea of CGI and unbelievable effects. Just because you can put an invisible car in a film, doesn't mean you should do it. What I liked so much about the bond gadgets was the fact that they were believable. A laser watch, huge ski's on an Aston Martin, a car that turns into a submarine. That I can believe - just. This time they went a step too far, although I truthfully think it fell apart after Goldeneye.

5) "Hi, I'm the unstoppable killing machine, nice to meet you .."
[URL]http://knightmanproductions.com/Online%20Pics/Wallpapers/alien%20vs%20predator%20wallpaper.jpg[/URL]

I don't think anything has bothered me more in film, than the raping of two of the finest science fiction franchises ever to grace the big screen. With such a highly anticipated project, I can never resist reading the reviews from over the pond before opening date. What I heard was not good. A Predator making friends with a human then eh? Well that doesn't sound too bad. Correction, it sounds bloody god-awful terrible. What the hell were you thinking mister Anderson? Chucking in the oldest cliche ever into what was a promising science fiction gorefest. And then making it a 12 certificate? Admittedly some of the Alien vs Predator scenes were impressive, but that's just no consolation to me. The predator has lost its hard edge and has been left to look like nothing more than a 7ft helper monkey. Look, he's crafting a shield for the little lady! And there's room for a sequel! You know where you can stick that.
Mon 29/08/05 at 12:42
Regular
Posts: 20,776
Probably needs another 5, it's not very long. I don't mind Snuggly using it for his site though if he wants to.
Mon 29/08/05 at 12:32
Regular
"Pouch Ape"
Posts: 14,499
Write it up and send it to theshiznit.co.uk
Mon 29/08/05 at 12:30
Regular
Posts: 20,776
1) They made Robocop fly
[URL]http://www.mamegyorai.co.jp/images/items/25593-w300.jpg[/URL]

I should have guessed from the opening scenes, where a child (yes, a child) reprograms an ED-209 unit using nothing more than a laptop, that I was wasting my time. Every kid loved Robocop - he shot bad guys by the hundred, without even looking where he was shooting! The second film was surprisingly watchable, and featured an evil kid gangster character more disturbing than the chucky doll. But what the hell happened? Samurai robots? Flying Robocops? Hippies in the sewer? Ah jeez ...

2) Bunch of Cons get all sweaty in the garage in Lock Up
[URL]http://www.moviehole.net/img/lockup.jpg[/URL]

"This is hell, Leone, and I'm going to give you the guided tour". Bold claims indeed. So what do I see, but a bunch of prisoners in a maximum security prison, building a car in a fully kitted out garage, drinking moonshine and smoking cuban cigars. Jesus, poor b***ards.

3) Costner bungies to the rescue
[URL]http://www.millenicom.com/johnbrunskill/images/Carol's%20LA%20visit/312a%20Waterworld.JPG[/URL]

Against all odds, not a completely terrible film, I was taken in a little by just how much money they were willing to throw at a film, the scale of it all, even the sulky fishman character. "How shall we finish the movie?" "Something spectacular, surely?" "How about he bungies out of a hot air balloon and rescues a whinging, pug-faced little girl?" "Perfect."

4) The invisible car
[URL]http://us.ent4.yimg.com/movies.yahoo.com/images/hv/photo/movie_pix/mgm/die_another_day/bondcars.jpg[/URL]

It was bound to happen - one day bond films were inevitably going to become mainstream crap, drowned in a sea of CGI and unbelievable effects. Just because you can put an invisible car in a film, doesn't mean you should do it. What I liked so much about the bond gadgets was the fact that they were believable. A laser watch, huge ski's on an Aston Martin, a car that turns into a submarine. That I can believe - just. This time they went a step too far, although I truthfully think it fell apart after Goldeneye.

5) "Hi, I'm the unstoppable killing machine, nice to meet you .."
[URL]http://knightmanproductions.com/Online%20Pics/Wallpapers/alien%20vs%20predator%20wallpaper.jpg[/URL]

I don't think anything has bothered me more in film, than the raping of two of the finest science fiction franchises ever to grace the big screen. With such a highly anticipated project, I can never resist reading the reviews from over the pond before opening date. What I heard was not good. A Predator making friends with a human then eh? Well that doesn't sound too bad. Correction, it sounds bloody god-awful terrible. What the hell were you thinking mister Anderson? Chucking in the oldest cliche ever into what was a promising science fiction gorefest. And then making it a 12 certificate? Admittedly some of the Alien vs Predator scenes were impressive, but that's just no consolation to me. The predator has lost its hard edge and has been left to look like nothing more than a 7ft helper monkey. Look, he's crafting a shield for the little lady! And there's room for a sequel! You know where you can stick that.

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