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Ben heard the alarm but he didn't want to get up. He lay there motionless, thinking of his pointless life and wondering about the best way to assassinate the president of Brazil.
Personally he didn't know the president of Brazil, which was exactly the reason why he was the perfect target.
He got up, put on his new old-looking jeans and scurried off to work without a word to his hamster.
As he approached the bakers he had a sudden feeling of dread that somehow everything was going to go wrong today. The dough wasn't going to rise, someone was going to drop their viagra in the pastry and some old lady would start humping his leg during his lunch break.
He shuddered at the thought.
Cautiously he unlocked the door and was greeted by a giant inflatable clown.
"Hello" said the clown.
Ben ignored the clown and made his way to the back of the shop, took yesterdays dough back out of the bin and began kneading it with his hands. Ben had done this many a time and unknown to the customers and the other staff this was why this shops bread tasted so good. Well that and the rats blood he lovingly applied.
He took out the rats blood from his special blue bag and put a few drops into the dough before slipping his slender penis into the mushy substance and wriggling it about a bit until the inevitable happened. This was going to be some really special bread.
Suddenly the manager, Mr Brown burst in.
"What's this?"
"Erm.. nothing" said Ben.
"Only I may gain sexual favours from the dough young man!"
"..."
"Hmmm well I suppose you've earned it and of course Esther's been slapping it against her 'mink' everyday for the past month, strange woman, but anyway just make sure we don't use the same dough because that's... well that's just disgusting now isn't it?"
Ben was confused. He loved Mr Brown but he had no idea how to tell him or how to create that threesome with Esther the bakery's pet cat and part-time sandwich board. He went back to thinking about his assassination plot putting the dough into the oven before settling down for an hours sleep.
Ben was awakened by screaming.
"Ow! Ow! It's bloody hot this" said the brummie clown.
"Go away you're just a figment of my imagination" said Ben.
Ben picked up a bread knife and stabbed the clown 76 times in the face, then he pushed him in the oven. This produced quite a nice smell. Ben went back to his morning nap.
Ben awoke with a start, he was lying on his front and he couldn't move his hands. Awkwardly Ben shuffled up the nearest wall and manged to stand. He wasn't in the bakery, he was in a cold room with a plank hung from on the wall and a big sturdy door blocking the doorway.
"Damn" said Ben.
"Hello", Said the plank "I'm the other woman"
Ben fainted.
To be continued.
Personally he didn't know the president of Brazil, which was exactly the reason why he was the perfect target.
He got up, put on his new old-looking jeans and scurried off to work without a word to his hamster.
As he approached the bakers he had a sudden feeling of dread that somehow everything was going to go wrong today. The dough wasn't going to rise, someone was going to drop their viagra in the pastry and some old lady would start humping his leg during his lunch break.
He shuddered at the thought.
Cautiously he unlocked the door and was greeted by a giant inflatable clown.
"Hello" said the clown.
Ben ignored the clown and made his way to the back of the shop, took yesterdays dough back out of the bin and began kneading it with his hands. Ben had done this many a time and unknown to the customers and the other staff this was why this shops bread tasted so good. Well that and the rats blood he lovingly applied.
He took out the rats blood from his special blue bag and put a few drops into the dough before slipping his slender penis into the mushy substance and wriggling it about a bit until the inevitable happened. This was going to be some really special bread.
Suddenly the manager, Mr Brown burst in.
"What's this?"
"Erm.. nothing" said Ben.
"Only I may gain sexual favours from the dough young man!"
"..."
"Hmmm well I suppose you've earned it and of course Esther's been slapping it against her 'mink' everyday for the past month, strange woman, but anyway just make sure we don't use the same dough because that's... well that's just disgusting now isn't it?"
Ben was confused. He loved Mr Brown but he had no idea how to tell him or how to create that threesome with Esther the bakery's pet cat and part-time sandwich board. He went back to thinking about his assassination plot putting the dough into the oven before settling down for an hours sleep.
Ben was awakened by screaming.
"Ow! Ow! It's bloody hot this" said the brummie clown.
"Go away you're just a figment of my imagination" said Ben.
Ben picked up a bread knife and stabbed the clown 76 times in the face, then he pushed him in the oven. This produced quite a nice smell. Ben went back to his morning nap.
Ben awoke with a start, he was lying on his front and he couldn't move his hands. Awkwardly Ben shuffled up the nearest wall and manged to stand. He wasn't in the bakery, he was in a cold room with a plank hung from on the wall and a big sturdy door blocking the doorway.
"Damn" said Ben.
"Hello", Said the plank "I'm the other woman"
Ben fainted.
To be continued.
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Very Hitchiker's Guide/Gravity's Rainbow.
Even a touch of Bill Bryson lol.
Even a touch of Bill Bryson lol.
I loved it.
Especially the clown parts.
Especially the clown parts.
....
Oh, you want words?
Bloody, strangly, beautifully bizarre...
Oh, you want words?
Bloody, strangly, beautifully bizarre...
That raised a smile through sheer weight of ridiculousness.
Ignore me.
I'm being pointlessly harsh tonight in all my posts.
Do continue to write. It's not like I was trying to kill you off, I was just bemused by te subject. My writing and opinions aren't the golden code of this forum. Plus it's nice to have some diversity and different ideas.
Actually, I praise you. Please right more.
I'm being pointlessly harsh tonight in all my posts.
Do continue to write. It's not like I was trying to kill you off, I was just bemused by te subject. My writing and opinions aren't the golden code of this forum. Plus it's nice to have some diversity and different ideas.
Actually, I praise you. Please right more.
The topic didn't particuarly inspire me, it seemed like a clever idea though, clearly I was wrong. I'm still new at this though, I'm sure I'll improve.
It was more, why the hell would you write about that.
And then, yes, why in that style?
And then, yes, why in that style?
Mine makes sense, to me at least. I have had to explain it to everybody else though so maybe it's not written as well as it could have been. Which bit don't you get?
Unfortunately, the same could be said of yours, for me, JFH.
I don't get it. At all. Not even a little.
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