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(eyes)
The marks on her knees say it all: she’s been worshipping someone’s god in her own inimitable way.
She sits on the middle portion of the settee revealing a glimpse of shaven crotch before slowly crossing her legs.
“So, what have you been up to this night?” he asks in fake oblivion, knowing darn well.
“I’ve just been round Sal’s,” she replies.
With eyes askance he watches her left middlefinger twirl a strand of freshly blanched hair.
“Oh,” he mumbles, pretending to be only half-interested.
(eyes dismissively blink – eyes look away)
He feels for the security of the TV remote, his gaze focusing on the tip of her tongue as it flitters across her top lip.
The doorbell rings. The dog starts yapping.
“I’ll get it!” she says, springing to her feet, briskly straightening her mildly crumpled miniskirt.
He observes the back of her tanned legs as she exits the room – the heels of her stilettos leaving transient indentations on the carpet.
Staring at the weak flames of the gas fire, he cöcks a burning ear toward the hallway.
(hushed chatter – indistinct)
Moments pass . . . until –bumph– she pops her head around the door: “It’s Sal and her friend. We’re going upstairs.
He nods and smiles. (He didn’t mean to.)
She closes the door with an unintentionally brutal slam.
(shut out)
He listens to the melee of footfalls interlaced with energized whispers and playful laughter.
(eyes tired – bloodshot)
Rubbing his brow, he switches on the TV, turns up the volume and begins flicking through the 800 meaningless channels.
When he agreed to an open relationship, this was not what he had in mind.
The marks on her knees say it all: she’s been worshipping someone’s god in her own inimitable way.
She sits on the middle portion of the settee revealing a glimpse of shaven crotch before slowly crossing her legs.
“So, what have you been up to this night?” he asks in fake oblivion, knowing darn well.
“I’ve just been round Sal’s,” she replies.
With eyes askance he watches her left middlefinger twirl a strand of freshly blanched hair.
“Oh,” he mumbles, pretending to be only half-interested.
(eyes dismissively blink – eyes look away)
He feels for the security of the TV remote, his gaze focusing on the tip of her tongue as it flitters across her top lip.
The doorbell rings. The dog starts yapping.
“I’ll get it!” she says, springing to her feet, briskly straightening her mildly crumpled miniskirt.
He observes the back of her tanned legs as she exits the room – the heels of her stilettos leaving transient indentations on the carpet.
Staring at the weak flames of the gas fire, he cöcks a burning ear toward the hallway.
(hushed chatter – indistinct)
Moments pass . . . until –bumph– she pops her head around the door: “It’s Sal and her friend. We’re going upstairs.
He nods and smiles. (He didn’t mean to.)
She closes the door with an unintentionally brutal slam.
(shut out)
He listens to the melee of footfalls interlaced with energized whispers and playful laughter.
(eyes tired – bloodshot)
Rubbing his brow, he switches on the TV, turns up the volume and begins flicking through the 800 meaningless channels.
When he agreed to an open relationship, this was not what he had in mind.
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Slighty toned-down for a piece of Glove, but still great. Your style always conveys that extra special something.
Yeah I really like this. It was quite visual, well-written and held my attention.
I'm too tired to read any more fairly, I'll finish marking tomorrow.
A case of less is more.
Perhaps the piece makes the reader fill in the gaps mentally.
It's funny how when there's a lack of description, a piece of writing becomes 'visual'. I've never understood that.
Very nice. Very visual.
I like...
I like...
Ineedsleep wrote:
> Odd. Mine was going to be Sam until I realised it was easier to spot
> as being either male or female so I changed it to Sal. I noticed
> someone else has put a Sal in their story. It's to be hoped that
> Asher reads your message first or he's going to consider he's going
> mad and wonder where he stated the story should have a 'Sal' in it :D
Ha. To continue the oddness, the origins of my story is the name Samantha, which was the name of the female target who I was going to embelish a bit more. My original title was Samantha.
Ha. How strange.
> Odd. Mine was going to be Sam until I realised it was easier to spot
> as being either male or female so I changed it to Sal. I noticed
> someone else has put a Sal in their story. It's to be hoped that
> Asher reads your message first or he's going to consider he's going
> mad and wonder where he stated the story should have a 'Sal' in it :D
Ha. To continue the oddness, the origins of my story is the name Samantha, which was the name of the female target who I was going to embelish a bit more. My original title was Samantha.
Ha. How strange.
Black Glove wrote:
> I think I started off trying to be serious, and then it slow-ly
> slipped into my usual territory of being 'serious about not being
> serious' - if you know what I mean...
I know exactly what you mean. Despite not really ever commenting on any of anybodies pieces, I do read them. It's quite strange actually, because I've started noticing certain people's styles.
This is another typical one of your pieces I'd say. Unfortunately by the exceedingly high standards I set for you alone, it falls short of the mark. An interesting piece to read, but falls in the wake of some of your past writings.
This wouldn't be constructive criticism unless I suggested something, and that would be the stage direction-esque brackets. I dislike them. It's a personal thing really. I just feel it's lazy from writer's when they put them in, because they haven't bothered to work them into a line somewhere. Working them in actually makes it more dramatic and noteworthy I find.
But heh, that's just me.
> I think I started off trying to be serious, and then it slow-ly
> slipped into my usual territory of being 'serious about not being
> serious' - if you know what I mean...
I know exactly what you mean. Despite not really ever commenting on any of anybodies pieces, I do read them. It's quite strange actually, because I've started noticing certain people's styles.
This is another typical one of your pieces I'd say. Unfortunately by the exceedingly high standards I set for you alone, it falls short of the mark. An interesting piece to read, but falls in the wake of some of your past writings.
This wouldn't be constructive criticism unless I suggested something, and that would be the stage direction-esque brackets. I dislike them. It's a personal thing really. I just feel it's lazy from writer's when they put them in, because they haven't bothered to work them into a line somewhere. Working them in actually makes it more dramatic and noteworthy I find.
But heh, that's just me.
Odd. Mine was going to be Sam until I realised it was easier to spot as being either male or female so I changed it to Sal. I noticed someone else has put a Sal in their story. It's to be hoped that Asher reads your message first or he's going to consider he's going mad and wonder where he stated the story should have a 'Sal' in it :D
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