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The following takes place between 9am and 10.00am.
J Nash slowly wakes as the hands on his clock,slowly tick like a tortise. He sits up and trys to open his eyes,but there stuck together with so much sleep. So he pulls them open with his fingers. The sleep drips off and now his eyes are open. He looks around the room something is different,his bedroom door has been,flung open. Last night he had tightly shut it and locked it. He goes to the bedside table his hands are shaking,J Nash gets his gun out his draw and loads it with bullets.
He can hear footsteps walking along,on his cold hard frosty floor. He gets out his bed and slowly walks along. He looks round the corner,he see's a man,with a glass eye and a sharp shiny knife in his hand. He looks like the perfect Villan. J Nash holds his gun round the corner at the glass eyed man,he has his back turned to J Nash.
J Nash fires his gun his Desert Eagle,the smooth sharp bullet flys through the air and hits the man in the head,blowing his not smart,juicy brain in. The man drops to the floor,J nash walks over to him and looks down at,he has a big bullet hole in his head.
J Nash runs into his room and picks up his phone. He rings up the officer "Yes hello Dolly here" "Its J Nash,Dolly I've just had a man try,to kill me send back up to my house I think there might be more here" "Ok then J Nash" "Bye Dolly" "Bye J Nash". Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep. "J Nash are you here" "Yeah im in my room" "Ok we've found nothing J Nash but have you checked up stairs?" "No I haven't but can you?" "Yes we will now J Nash". The back up slowly walks up the stairs. "Oh God help quick J Nash Hellpppppppp". Beep Beep Beep Beepppppppppppppppppppp.
J Nash slowly wakes as the hands on his clock,slowly tick like a tortise. He sits up and trys to open his eyes,but there stuck together with so much sleep. So he pulls them open with his fingers. The sleep drips off and now his eyes are open. He looks around the room something is different,his bedroom door has been,flung open. Last night he had tightly shut it and locked it. He goes to the bedside table his hands are shaking,J Nash gets his gun out his draw and loads it with bullets.
He can hear footsteps walking along,on his cold hard frosty floor. He gets out his bed and slowly walks along. He looks round the corner,he see's a man,with a glass eye and a sharp shiny knife in his hand. He looks like the perfect Villan. J Nash holds his gun round the corner at the glass eyed man,he has his back turned to J Nash.
J Nash fires his gun his Desert Eagle,the smooth sharp bullet flys through the air and hits the man in the head,blowing his not smart,juicy brain in. The man drops to the floor,J nash walks over to him and looks down at,he has a big bullet hole in his head.
J Nash runs into his room and picks up his phone. He rings up the officer "Yes hello Dolly here" "Its J Nash,Dolly I've just had a man try,to kill me send back up to my house I think there might be more here" "Ok then J Nash" "Bye Dolly" "Bye J Nash". Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep. "J Nash are you here" "Yeah im in my room" "Ok we've found nothing J Nash but have you checked up stairs?" "No I haven't but can you?" "Yes we will now J Nash". The back up slowly walks up the stairs. "Oh God help quick J Nash Hellpppppppp". Beep Beep Beep Beepppppppppppppppppppp.
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So you thought putting "The following takes place between 9am and 10.00am." would recreate the 24 atmosphere perfectly, I'll bet.
Takes a bit more than that, you know.
Try for some consistancy as well - 9am and 10am / 9.00am and 10.00 am.
And sort the punctuation and spelling and grammer out before posting.
Takes a bit more than that, you know.
Try for some consistancy as well - 9am and 10am / 9.00am and 10.00 am.
And sort the punctuation and spelling and grammer out before posting.
Yeah ok this wasn't the greatest but I was watching 24 at the time!
This makes me cry in several different ways.
C®ø§$ Bób wrote:
> J Nash fires his gun his Desert Eagle,the smooth sharp bullet flys
> through the air and hits the man in the head,blowing his not
> smart,juicy brain in. The man drops to the floor,J nash walks over to
> him and looks down at,he has a big bullet hole in his head.
Lemme read that again. "the smooth sharp bullet flys through the air and hits the man in the head,blowing his not smart,juicy brain in."
Yup. I wasn't seeing things.
> J Nash fires his gun his Desert Eagle,the smooth sharp bullet flys
> through the air and hits the man in the head,blowing his not
> smart,juicy brain in. The man drops to the floor,J nash walks over to
> him and looks down at,he has a big bullet hole in his head.
Lemme read that again. "the smooth sharp bullet flys through the air and hits the man in the head,blowing his not smart,juicy brain in."
Yup. I wasn't seeing things.
So this is your take on '24' no? See, the reason 24 works in real time, is because they cut between several places where the action is, as such we rarely see a man struggling with sleep in his eyes.
Also, word ending with 'y', need to pluralise? Drop the 'y' add 'ies'.
So 'fly' becomes 'flies', not flys.
Why is his floor frosty? I liked the way he looked like the perfect Villain though...
Also, word ending with 'y', need to pluralise? Drop the 'y' add 'ies'.
So 'fly' becomes 'flies', not flys.
Why is his floor frosty? I liked the way he looked like the perfect Villain though...
I'm very confused.
Tortoises tick?
Drawer?
He can see the man has glass eye, when he has his back towards him?
He shot him in the head for no reason?
Somebody tried to kill him?
When did the back-up come?
Why did they ring him on the phone when they were in his house?
Why did he send some woman upstairs on her own?
J Nash is a policeman?
Tortoises tick?
Drawer?
He can see the man has glass eye, when he has his back towards him?
He shot him in the head for no reason?
Somebody tried to kill him?
When did the back-up come?
Why did they ring him on the phone when they were in his house?
Why did he send some woman upstairs on her own?
J Nash is a policeman?
The following takes place between 9am and 10.00am.
J Nash slowly wakes as the hands on his clock,slowly tick like a tortise. He sits up and trys to open his eyes,but there stuck together with so much sleep. So he pulls them open with his fingers. The sleep drips off and now his eyes are open. He looks around the room something is different,his bedroom door has been,flung open. Last night he had tightly shut it and locked it. He goes to the bedside table his hands are shaking,J Nash gets his gun out his draw and loads it with bullets.
He can hear footsteps walking along,on his cold hard frosty floor. He gets out his bed and slowly walks along. He looks round the corner,he see's a man,with a glass eye and a sharp shiny knife in his hand. He looks like the perfect Villan. J Nash holds his gun round the corner at the glass eyed man,he has his back turned to J Nash.
J Nash fires his gun his Desert Eagle,the smooth sharp bullet flys through the air and hits the man in the head,blowing his not smart,juicy brain in. The man drops to the floor,J nash walks over to him and looks down at,he has a big bullet hole in his head.
J Nash runs into his room and picks up his phone. He rings up the officer "Yes hello Dolly here" "Its J Nash,Dolly I've just had a man try,to kill me send back up to my house I think there might be more here" "Ok then J Nash" "Bye Dolly" "Bye J Nash". Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep. "J Nash are you here" "Yeah im in my room" "Ok we've found nothing J Nash but have you checked up stairs?" "No I haven't but can you?" "Yes we will now J Nash". The back up slowly walks up the stairs. "Oh God help quick J Nash Hellpppppppp". Beep Beep Beep Beepppppppppppppppppppp.
J Nash slowly wakes as the hands on his clock,slowly tick like a tortise. He sits up and trys to open his eyes,but there stuck together with so much sleep. So he pulls them open with his fingers. The sleep drips off and now his eyes are open. He looks around the room something is different,his bedroom door has been,flung open. Last night he had tightly shut it and locked it. He goes to the bedside table his hands are shaking,J Nash gets his gun out his draw and loads it with bullets.
He can hear footsteps walking along,on his cold hard frosty floor. He gets out his bed and slowly walks along. He looks round the corner,he see's a man,with a glass eye and a sharp shiny knife in his hand. He looks like the perfect Villan. J Nash holds his gun round the corner at the glass eyed man,he has his back turned to J Nash.
J Nash fires his gun his Desert Eagle,the smooth sharp bullet flys through the air and hits the man in the head,blowing his not smart,juicy brain in. The man drops to the floor,J nash walks over to him and looks down at,he has a big bullet hole in his head.
J Nash runs into his room and picks up his phone. He rings up the officer "Yes hello Dolly here" "Its J Nash,Dolly I've just had a man try,to kill me send back up to my house I think there might be more here" "Ok then J Nash" "Bye Dolly" "Bye J Nash". Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep. "J Nash are you here" "Yeah im in my room" "Ok we've found nothing J Nash but have you checked up stairs?" "No I haven't but can you?" "Yes we will now J Nash". The back up slowly walks up the stairs. "Oh God help quick J Nash Hellpppppppp". Beep Beep Beep Beepppppppppppppppppppp.
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