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Hey guys, if you could give suggestions comments and your opinions on this be great. Its my first draft so hit it with a vengeance.
.....
Her bare feet beat along the ground, the grass tickling at her toes, picking up speed she ran, skipping over puddles and sweeping past nettles trying not to be stung. Her arms raised, lifted outstretched slicing through the air. She glided, closing her eyes she could feel the warmth of the ground as her feet patted the dirt track. She spread her hands trying to touch the long grasses she could hear cutting through the air each side of her. The sun lit the ground in front of her until her shadow was lost as it passed underneath willow trees cascading into the river; the ripples followed her, the breeze was picking up and brought a chill about the place, as the cold passed through her; she stopped.
The long grasses clapped in the wind, and the river - now tormented, violently rushed past her bringing squawking crows rapidly following its path. Behind her, the sun seemed to slide away as black clouds brought a line of grey that swept over the ground. Her deep breaths turned into short gasps as she drew her hands inwards now clenched into fists, her eyelids squeezed shut. The cold air surrounded her as she gave off heat; her body was getting hotter and hotter as the breeze gave more of a chill. Her heart thumped in her chest. -‘Run’, -‘Run’ it said. ‘I can’t’. – ‘Run and it will stop, run and you’ll escape’. As she inhaled a suffocating pain tightened around her, it slithered past her belly and wrapped itself around her chest. The breeze sliced like ice on the sides of her face and scuttled down her spine. -- ‘Why don’t you run, why do you stand still’.
The sound of the willow tree creaked swaying in time with the wind. Its leaves whistled as the branches swung, the noise pierced through the air till the breeze plucked each leaf from the branches and the clatter of its wooden arms battered each other. She bit down on her teeth leaving only her nose to draw in the air, as she inhaled, the hairs in her nostrils singed and her lungs filled with oxygen burning the depths of her fleshy organs, her eyes watering.
- ‘Nobodies here. You hurt… Run’. ‘I can’t’. The clouds thickened in the air, the moon had risen in the east, but its light was trapped in the sky behind a film of fog and the dark clouds captured it so it didn’t reach the ground. She stood still, her eyes shut tight. She focused on her legs, feeling the strain of the tense muscles that wrenched downwards, she tried to imagine she was running, running along the river looking deep into the rushing water to see to the bottom as rays of light shone through breaking the surface.
The feeling in her legs ran down through her feet into her toes and she felt the soles of her feet firmly pressed on the ground. In the distance a sound started to form. Her ears tuned in trying to block out the wind and the storm, the battering branches and river rushing by. She could hear a rumble; it drew closer and her heartbeat quickened to the pace. She felt the earth beneath her shuddering and beating in time with hers, heat came from the ground and it began to burn her feet, she clenched her hands tighter not moving her feet from the spot. Claps of thunder pounded against the ground causing the earth to shake, the wind scuttled around her legs and was causing her to sway, the wind began to chuck the dust from the dirt surrounding her into the air and the ground began to crack with the heat, from beneath its depths and the sound of it pulsating, the scurrying of legs could be heard. Thousands of tiny legs and the sounds of squealing, the sound rose from the cracks above the clapping sky, it pierced her ears as she released her fists pressing them tightly against her skin and aching drums. Clenching her teeth she tilted her head back trying to balance herself as the ground shook around her – ‘RUN, you’re going to die, RUN’ Her eyelids no longer clenched tight, they opened staring at the thick black and grey clouds, She could feel the scurrying draw close and her feet blistering with burns but as she inhaled the air coughing from the dust, past the lightning and clouds she could see the Sun. It’s entire outline being covered by the chaos in front of it. - ‘Feel them, they’re coming closer, feel the ground beneath you falling away… RUN’.
Behind her the willow tree cracked and its roots moved with the earth. The sound of scuttling rose from beneath it and mounted onto its broken trunk; She stared up through the clouds and felt her feet pressed hard tense as the scuttling rose higher and higher and she felt it draw closer and closer, She continued to look through the black focusing on the burning red outline behind it, the wind slithered down her legs and as she felt the first single scuttle on the ground edging towards her toes she lifted her foot and holding her breath slammed it on the creature which squealed as it crunched into the dirt. She closed her eyes and dropped her head. ‘You RUN’.
.....
Her bare feet beat along the ground, the grass tickling at her toes, picking up speed she ran, skipping over puddles and sweeping past nettles trying not to be stung. Her arms raised, lifted outstretched slicing through the air. She glided, closing her eyes she could feel the warmth of the ground as her feet patted the dirt track. She spread her hands trying to touch the long grasses she could hear cutting through the air each side of her. The sun lit the ground in front of her until her shadow was lost as it passed underneath willow trees cascading into the river; the ripples followed her, the breeze was picking up and brought a chill about the place, as the cold passed through her; she stopped.
The long grasses clapped in the wind, and the river - now tormented, violently rushed past her bringing squawking crows rapidly following its path. Behind her, the sun seemed to slide away as black clouds brought a line of grey that swept over the ground. Her deep breaths turned into short gasps as she drew her hands inwards now clenched into fists, her eyelids squeezed shut. The cold air surrounded her as she gave off heat; her body was getting hotter and hotter as the breeze gave more of a chill. Her heart thumped in her chest. -‘Run’, -‘Run’ it said. ‘I can’t’. – ‘Run and it will stop, run and you’ll escape’. As she inhaled a suffocating pain tightened around her, it slithered past her belly and wrapped itself around her chest. The breeze sliced like ice on the sides of her face and scuttled down her spine. -- ‘Why don’t you run, why do you stand still’.
The sound of the willow tree creaked swaying in time with the wind. Its leaves whistled as the branches swung, the noise pierced through the air till the breeze plucked each leaf from the branches and the clatter of its wooden arms battered each other. She bit down on her teeth leaving only her nose to draw in the air, as she inhaled, the hairs in her nostrils singed and her lungs filled with oxygen burning the depths of her fleshy organs, her eyes watering.
- ‘Nobodies here. You hurt… Run’. ‘I can’t’. The clouds thickened in the air, the moon had risen in the east, but its light was trapped in the sky behind a film of fog and the dark clouds captured it so it didn’t reach the ground. She stood still, her eyes shut tight. She focused on her legs, feeling the strain of the tense muscles that wrenched downwards, she tried to imagine she was running, running along the river looking deep into the rushing water to see to the bottom as rays of light shone through breaking the surface.
The feeling in her legs ran down through her feet into her toes and she felt the soles of her feet firmly pressed on the ground. In the distance a sound started to form. Her ears tuned in trying to block out the wind and the storm, the battering branches and river rushing by. She could hear a rumble; it drew closer and her heartbeat quickened to the pace. She felt the earth beneath her shuddering and beating in time with hers, heat came from the ground and it began to burn her feet, she clenched her hands tighter not moving her feet from the spot. Claps of thunder pounded against the ground causing the earth to shake, the wind scuttled around her legs and was causing her to sway, the wind began to chuck the dust from the dirt surrounding her into the air and the ground began to crack with the heat, from beneath its depths and the sound of it pulsating, the scurrying of legs could be heard. Thousands of tiny legs and the sounds of squealing, the sound rose from the cracks above the clapping sky, it pierced her ears as she released her fists pressing them tightly against her skin and aching drums. Clenching her teeth she tilted her head back trying to balance herself as the ground shook around her – ‘RUN, you’re going to die, RUN’ Her eyelids no longer clenched tight, they opened staring at the thick black and grey clouds, She could feel the scurrying draw close and her feet blistering with burns but as she inhaled the air coughing from the dust, past the lightning and clouds she could see the Sun. It’s entire outline being covered by the chaos in front of it. - ‘Feel them, they’re coming closer, feel the ground beneath you falling away… RUN’.
Behind her the willow tree cracked and its roots moved with the earth. The sound of scuttling rose from beneath it and mounted onto its broken trunk; She stared up through the clouds and felt her feet pressed hard tense as the scuttling rose higher and higher and she felt it draw closer and closer, She continued to look through the black focusing on the burning red outline behind it, the wind slithered down her legs and as she felt the first single scuttle on the ground edging towards her toes she lifted her foot and holding her breath slammed it on the creature which squealed as it crunched into the dirt. She closed her eyes and dropped her head. ‘You RUN’.
Page:
All that work for no reply?
You suck, ginge.
You suck, ginge.
-
I skimmed.
Like a graceful ... er ... something that skims. A stone. With it's own form of personal propulsion.
I hardly just - throw my hyphens around - all over the place, for a laugh or - something. I use them as they should be. Which is ... I dunno. But I do.
And I r00l, so there.
So [I]there
Like a graceful ... er ... something that skims. A stone. With it's own form of personal propulsion.
I hardly just - throw my hyphens around - all over the place, for a laugh or - something. I use them as they should be. Which is ... I dunno. But I do.
And I r00l, so there.
So [I]there
FinalFantasyFanatic wrote:
> Yes, don't use hymens.
> Very unhygenic.
>
> But seriously ... most of that was totally pointless, Kyz.
> I use hyphens almost constantly in writing - it pwns, so shush.
>
> And then shush some more.
Casually - I use them all the - time.
But if it's continuous prose thats going to be used for something other than haphazardly dashing over then you should avoid - them.
And what's more pointless, my analysis or you bothering to read it?
> Yes, don't use hymens.
> Very unhygenic.
>
> But seriously ... most of that was totally pointless, Kyz.
> I use hyphens almost constantly in writing - it pwns, so shush.
>
> And then shush some more.
Casually - I use them all the - time.
But if it's continuous prose thats going to be used for something other than haphazardly dashing over then you should avoid - them.
And what's more pointless, my analysis or you bothering to read it?
I liked the idea of teh story, but as a few others have said, there are a few underlying errors and expressions that just don't seem to fit, although that's common for a first draft.
It looks like it's shaping up quite nicely.
It looks like it's shaping up quite nicely.
Yes, don't use hymens.
Very unhygenic.
But seriously ... most of that was totally pointless, Kyz.
I use hyphens almost constantly in writing - it pwns, so shush.
And then shush some more.
Very unhygenic.
But seriously ... most of that was totally pointless, Kyz.
I use hyphens almost constantly in writing - it pwns, so shush.
And then shush some more.
Paradox: wrote:
> Not going to intentionally tear you to shreds but I'll go through and
> annotate the bits I feel warrant a change, in bold
>
> Lil Ginge wrote:
> Her bare feet beat along the ground, the grass tickling at her
> toes.full stop. Picking up speed she ran, skipping over
> puddles and sweeping
> past nettles trying not to 'get', not 'be' stung. Her arms
> raised, lifted
> outstretched, (comma addition) slicing through the air. She
> glided, closing her eyes ; semi colon addition.
> she could feel the warmth of the ground as her feet patted the dirt
> track. She At this point I'm sick of the word 'she', if you have a
> character name use it now! spread her hands trying to touch the
You know, just maybe, that's deliberate
> long grasses she
> could hear cutting through the air on either side of her.
> The sun lituse a more interested adjective - i.e. flooded the
> ground in front of her until her shadow was lost omited 'as it
> passed' to give a 'literal metaphor'
You mean "omitted".
> underneath willow trees cascading stick an adjective in, i.e.
> 'down' into the river full stop. The ripples
> followed I know you can think of a better word than 'followed'
> Claire. her, the breeze was picking up and brought a chill about
> the
> place change 'place' to something more specific, as the cold
> passed through her no need for semi-colon here either she
> stopped.
>
> The long grasses clapped I like :-)in the wind, and the river
How can you possibly describe grass as clapping? It does not clap, it does not make a noise that sounds like clapping, and it does not look like it is clapping.
> - if it's prose don't use a hypen, theyre for note-making and
> suchlike now
Hypen? How about a hymen? I think you mean hyphen. And it's not a hyphen. A hyphen separates two parts of a word, such as "Twistleton-Wykeham". Here "Lil Ginge" uses a dash, and it is quite correct.
> tormented by (something) - make it an abstract metaphor to add
> more about the setting, i.e. tormented by the looming darkness,
> violently rushed past her comma,bringing squawking crows
> rapidly
> following its path revise this, it makes no sense.. Behind
> herno need for the comma here the sun seemed to slide away as
> black
> clouds brought a line of grey that swept over the ground Not
> necessarily ungood, but you can make it more relative. "Black
UNGOOD?
> clouds crept across the sky, paralelled by the growing grey/dark
You mean paralleled. And this isn't a geometry assignment.
> shadow spilling across the land. Her deep
> breaths turned into short gasps as she drew her hands inwards now
> clenched into fists, her you can omit 'her' here if you like, your
> choice eyelids squeezed shut. The cold air
> surrounded Use a better word, 'enshrouded, cloaked, engulfed'
> etc her as she gave off heat terrible, urgh, no - change this.
> 'Began to sweat', whatever, she's not a radiator though.; her
No kidding.
> body was getting hotter Rather simplistic, "her body temp.
> rose" maybe? and
One minute geometry, now biology.
> hotter as the breeze it's obvious a breeze 'chills' you, mention
> the breeze in relation to her i.e. as the breeze continued it's
> onslaught.. Her heart thumped in her
> chest. I like this imagery -‘Run’, -‘Run’ it said. ‘I can’t’.
> – ‘Run and it will stop, If the speaker is different then you put
> the start of the speech on a new line. Even if the voice is in her
> head it's different.
... and use speech marks. THESE "", not apostrophes.
> run and you’ll escape’. As she inhaled comma a suffocating
> pain tightened
> around her full stop it slithered past her belly belly is a
> childish word, use stomach, torso, abdomen, or something and
> wrapped itself around her
> chest be more graphic, use internal bits - ribcage, windpipe,
> etc. The breeze sliced like ice rhyme, yay on the sides of
Er, yay? It's cringeworthy.
> her face and
> scuttled down her spine.Seems you got my subliminals heh - this
> last bit is much better -- ‘Why don’t you run, why do you stand
> still’. You usually have question marks after
One might almost say always.
> The sound of the willow tree creakedcomma swaying in time with
> the wind.
> Its leaves whistled as the branches swung, the noise pierced through
> the air tillA cash register? It's either 'til or until the
Or just til, but until is the best (til being colloquial).
> breeze plucked each leaf from the branches 'every branch' works
"Each leaf from every branch". Are you serious?
> better and the
> clatter of its wooden makes it sound like a scarecrow.
> Bark-covered or something, a different attribute to focus on?
> arms nice personification battered each other. She bit down on
> her
> teeth It's impossible to bit your teeth, you can grind them though
Nice tense mix up, I like it.
> - have her do that leaving only her nose to draw in the air
> full stop As she inhaled the
> hairs in her nostrils were singed and her lungs filled with
> oxygen comma burning
> the depths of her fleshy organs, her eyes watering watered? you're
> changing tenses here.
> - ‘Nobodies here. You hurt... Run’. line
You mean "Nobody's here". As in "Nobody is here". Jesus Christ
> ‘I can’t’.
> The clouds thickened maybe change this word - plumped etc is
> nice in
So very nice, and oh so suitable for the context. You know what? Plump also describes hens well.
> the air, the moon had risen in the east Does it actually rise is
> the east? Though that was the sun?, but its light was trapped in
Yes, just as well they don't both rise in the East - they might hit each other!
> the sky behind a insert adjective i.e. Translucent film of fog
> omited a bit here - was irrelevent.
Omitted. AGAIN
>
> She stood still, her eyes shut tight again. She
> focused on her legs, feeling the strain of the tense muscles that
> wrenched downwardomited the 's', she tried to imagine she was
And AGAIN.
> running, running
> along the river looking deep into the rushing water to see to the
> bottom as rays of light shone through comma breaking the
> surface.
>
> Got to go and cook now - hope this helps and I will carry on and do
> the rest if you want me to.
> Not going to intentionally tear you to shreds but I'll go through and
> annotate the bits I feel warrant a change, in bold
>
> Lil Ginge wrote:
> Her bare feet beat along the ground, the grass tickling at her
> toes.full stop. Picking up speed she ran, skipping over
> puddles and sweeping
> past nettles trying not to 'get', not 'be' stung. Her arms
> raised, lifted
> outstretched, (comma addition) slicing through the air. She
> glided, closing her eyes ; semi colon addition.
> she could feel the warmth of the ground as her feet patted the dirt
> track. She At this point I'm sick of the word 'she', if you have a
> character name use it now! spread her hands trying to touch the
You know, just maybe, that's deliberate
> long grasses she
> could hear cutting through the air on either side of her.
> The sun lituse a more interested adjective - i.e. flooded the
> ground in front of her until her shadow was lost omited 'as it
> passed' to give a 'literal metaphor'
You mean "omitted".
> underneath willow trees cascading stick an adjective in, i.e.
> 'down' into the river full stop. The ripples
> followed I know you can think of a better word than 'followed'
> Claire. her, the breeze was picking up and brought a chill about
> the
> place change 'place' to something more specific, as the cold
> passed through her no need for semi-colon here either she
> stopped.
>
> The long grasses clapped I like :-)in the wind, and the river
How can you possibly describe grass as clapping? It does not clap, it does not make a noise that sounds like clapping, and it does not look like it is clapping.
> - if it's prose don't use a hypen, theyre for note-making and
> suchlike now
Hypen? How about a hymen? I think you mean hyphen. And it's not a hyphen. A hyphen separates two parts of a word, such as "Twistleton-Wykeham". Here "Lil Ginge" uses a dash, and it is quite correct.
> tormented by (something) - make it an abstract metaphor to add
> more about the setting, i.e. tormented by the looming darkness,
> violently rushed past her comma,bringing squawking crows
> rapidly
> following its path revise this, it makes no sense.. Behind
> herno need for the comma here the sun seemed to slide away as
> black
> clouds brought a line of grey that swept over the ground Not
> necessarily ungood, but you can make it more relative. "Black
UNGOOD?
> clouds crept across the sky, paralelled by the growing grey/dark
You mean paralleled. And this isn't a geometry assignment.
> shadow spilling across the land. Her deep
> breaths turned into short gasps as she drew her hands inwards now
> clenched into fists, her you can omit 'her' here if you like, your
> choice eyelids squeezed shut. The cold air
> surrounded Use a better word, 'enshrouded, cloaked, engulfed'
> etc her as she gave off heat terrible, urgh, no - change this.
> 'Began to sweat', whatever, she's not a radiator though.; her
No kidding.
> body was getting hotter Rather simplistic, "her body temp.
> rose" maybe? and
One minute geometry, now biology.
> hotter as the breeze it's obvious a breeze 'chills' you, mention
> the breeze in relation to her i.e. as the breeze continued it's
> onslaught.. Her heart thumped in her
> chest. I like this imagery -‘Run’, -‘Run’ it said. ‘I can’t’.
> – ‘Run and it will stop, If the speaker is different then you put
> the start of the speech on a new line. Even if the voice is in her
> head it's different.
... and use speech marks. THESE "", not apostrophes.
> run and you’ll escape’. As she inhaled comma a suffocating
> pain tightened
> around her full stop it slithered past her belly belly is a
> childish word, use stomach, torso, abdomen, or something and
> wrapped itself around her
> chest be more graphic, use internal bits - ribcage, windpipe,
> etc. The breeze sliced like ice rhyme, yay on the sides of
Er, yay? It's cringeworthy.
> her face and
> scuttled down her spine.Seems you got my subliminals heh - this
> last bit is much better -- ‘Why don’t you run, why do you stand
> still’. You usually have question marks after
One might almost say always.
> The sound of the willow tree creakedcomma swaying in time with
> the wind.
> Its leaves whistled as the branches swung, the noise pierced through
> the air tillA cash register? It's either 'til or until the
Or just til, but until is the best (til being colloquial).
> breeze plucked each leaf from the branches 'every branch' works
"Each leaf from every branch". Are you serious?
> better and the
> clatter of its wooden makes it sound like a scarecrow.
> Bark-covered or something, a different attribute to focus on?
> arms nice personification battered each other. She bit down on
> her
> teeth It's impossible to bit your teeth, you can grind them though
Nice tense mix up, I like it.
> - have her do that leaving only her nose to draw in the air
> full stop As she inhaled the
> hairs in her nostrils were singed and her lungs filled with
> oxygen comma burning
> the depths of her fleshy organs, her eyes watering watered? you're
> changing tenses here.
> - ‘Nobodies here. You hurt... Run’. line
You mean "Nobody's here". As in "Nobody is here". Jesus Christ
> ‘I can’t’.
> The clouds thickened maybe change this word - plumped etc is
> nice in
So very nice, and oh so suitable for the context. You know what? Plump also describes hens well.
> the air, the moon had risen in the east Does it actually rise is
> the east? Though that was the sun?, but its light was trapped in
Yes, just as well they don't both rise in the East - they might hit each other!
> the sky behind a insert adjective i.e. Translucent film of fog
> omited a bit here - was irrelevent.
Omitted. AGAIN
>
> She stood still, her eyes shut tight again. She
> focused on her legs, feeling the strain of the tense muscles that
> wrenched downwardomited the 's', she tried to imagine she was
And AGAIN.
> running, running
> along the river looking deep into the rushing water to see to the
> bottom as rays of light shone through comma breaking the
> surface.
>
> Got to go and cook now - hope this helps and I will carry on and do
> the rest if you want me to.
No thats really good critisms there english, stuff ill note and need to know! Obviously...
Thanks alot, it has an underlying meaning but its difficult to pick our unless your... 'religious' shall we say. Cool stuff though, so far its cool hearing diff views. The christians that have read it immediately could understand what the heck was going on.. but non christians didnt get what I was chatting about! ha ha
:(
Also, you are completely right re reading its grammatically crud, my sentence structure is mad.. repetition and things is terrible.
Thanks for replying guys
Thanks alot, it has an underlying meaning but its difficult to pick our unless your... 'religious' shall we say. Cool stuff though, so far its cool hearing diff views. The christians that have read it immediately could understand what the heck was going on.. but non christians didnt get what I was chatting about! ha ha
:(
Also, you are completely right re reading its grammatically crud, my sentence structure is mad.. repetition and things is terrible.
Thanks for replying guys
Not going to intentionally tear you to shreds but I'll go through and annotate the bits I feel warrant a change, in bold
Lil Ginge wrote:
> Her bare feet beat along the ground, the grass tickling at her
> toes.full stop. Picking up speed she ran, skipping over puddles and sweeping
> past nettles trying not to 'get', not 'be' stung. Her arms raised, lifted
> outstretched, (comma addition) slicing through the air. She glided, closing her eyes ; semi colon addition.
> she could feel the warmth of the ground as her feet patted the dirt
> track. She At this point I'm sick of the word 'she', if you have a character name use it now! spread her hands trying to touch the long grasses she
> could hear cutting through the air on either side of her. The sun lituse a more interested adjective - i.e. flooded the
> ground in front of her until her shadow was lost omited 'as it passed' to give a 'literal metaphor'
> underneath willow trees cascading stick an adjective in, i.e. 'down' into the river full stop. The ripples
> followed I know you can think of a better word than 'followed' Claire. her, the breeze was picking up and brought a chill about the
> place change 'place' to something more specific, as the cold passed through her no need for semi-colon here either she stopped.
>
> The long grasses clapped I like :-)in the wind, and the river - if it's prose don't use a hypen, theyre for note-making and suchlike now
> tormented by (something) - make it an abstract metaphor to add more about the setting, i.e. tormented by the looming darkness, violently rushed past her comma,bringing squawking crows rapidly
> following its path revise this, it makes no sense.. Behind herno need for the comma here the sun seemed to slide away as black
> clouds brought a line of grey that swept over the ground Not necessarily ungood, but you can make it more relative. "Black clouds crept across the sky, paralelled by the growing grey/dark shadow spilling across the land. Her deep
> breaths turned into short gasps as she drew her hands inwards now
> clenched into fists, her you can omit 'her' here if you like, your choice eyelids squeezed shut. The cold air
> surrounded Use a better word, 'enshrouded, cloaked, engulfed' etc her as she gave off heat terrible, urgh, no - change this. 'Began to sweat', whatever, she's not a radiator though.; her body was getting hotter Rather simplistic, "her body temp. rose" maybe? and
> hotter as the breeze it's obvious a breeze 'chills' you, mention the breeze in relation to her i.e. as the breeze continued it's onslaught.. Her heart thumped in her
> chest. I like this imagery -‘Run’, -‘Run’ it said. ‘I can’t’. – ‘Run and it will stop, If the speaker is different then you put the start of the speech on a new line. Even if the voice is in her head it's different.
> run and you’ll escape’. As she inhaled comma a suffocating pain tightened
> around her full stop it slithered past her belly belly is a childish word, use stomach, torso, abdomen, or something and wrapped itself around her
> chest be more graphic, use internal bits - ribcage, windpipe, etc. The breeze sliced like ice rhyme, yay on the sides of her face and
> scuttled down her spine.Seems you got my subliminals heh - this last bit is much better -- ‘Why don’t you run, why do you stand
> still’. You usually have question marks after
> The sound of the willow tree creakedcomma swaying in time with the wind.
> Its leaves whistled as the branches swung, the noise pierced through
> the air tillA cash register? It's either 'til or until the breeze plucked each leaf from the branches 'every branch' works better and the
> clatter of its wooden makes it sound like a scarecrow. Bark-covered or something, a different attribute to focus on? arms nice personification battered each other. She bit down on her
> teeth It's impossible to bit your teeth, you can grind them though - have her do that leaving only her nose to draw in the air full stop As she inhaled the
> hairs in her nostrils were singed and her lungs filled with oxygen comma burning
> the depths of her fleshy organs, her eyes watering watered? you're changing tenses here.
> - ‘Nobodies here. You hurt… Run’. line
‘I can’t’.
The clouds thickened maybe change this word - plumped etc is nice in
> the air, the moon had risen in the east Does it actually rise is the east? Though that was the sun?, but its light was trapped in
> the sky behind a insert adjective i.e. Translucent film of fog omited a bit here - was irrelevent.
> She stood still, her eyes shut tight again. She
> focused on her legs, feeling the strain of the tense muscles that
> wrenched downwardomited the 's', she tried to imagine she was running, running
> along the river looking deep into the rushing water to see to the
> bottom as rays of light shone through comma breaking the surface.
Got to go and cook now - hope this helps and I will carry on and do the rest if you want me to.
Lil Ginge wrote:
> Her bare feet beat along the ground, the grass tickling at her
> toes.full stop. Picking up speed she ran, skipping over puddles and sweeping
> past nettles trying not to 'get', not 'be' stung. Her arms raised, lifted
> outstretched, (comma addition) slicing through the air. She glided, closing her eyes ; semi colon addition.
> she could feel the warmth of the ground as her feet patted the dirt
> track. She At this point I'm sick of the word 'she', if you have a character name use it now! spread her hands trying to touch the long grasses she
> could hear cutting through the air on either side of her. The sun lituse a more interested adjective - i.e. flooded the
> ground in front of her until her shadow was lost omited 'as it passed' to give a 'literal metaphor'
> underneath willow trees cascading stick an adjective in, i.e. 'down' into the river full stop. The ripples
> followed I know you can think of a better word than 'followed' Claire. her, the breeze was picking up and brought a chill about the
> place change 'place' to something more specific, as the cold passed through her no need for semi-colon here either she stopped.
>
> The long grasses clapped I like :-)in the wind, and the river - if it's prose don't use a hypen, theyre for note-making and suchlike now
> tormented by (something) - make it an abstract metaphor to add more about the setting, i.e. tormented by the looming darkness, violently rushed past her comma,bringing squawking crows rapidly
> following its path revise this, it makes no sense.. Behind herno need for the comma here the sun seemed to slide away as black
> clouds brought a line of grey that swept over the ground Not necessarily ungood, but you can make it more relative. "Black clouds crept across the sky, paralelled by the growing grey/dark shadow spilling across the land. Her deep
> breaths turned into short gasps as she drew her hands inwards now
> clenched into fists, her you can omit 'her' here if you like, your choice eyelids squeezed shut. The cold air
> surrounded Use a better word, 'enshrouded, cloaked, engulfed' etc her as she gave off heat terrible, urgh, no - change this. 'Began to sweat', whatever, she's not a radiator though.; her body was getting hotter Rather simplistic, "her body temp. rose" maybe? and
> hotter as the breeze it's obvious a breeze 'chills' you, mention the breeze in relation to her i.e. as the breeze continued it's onslaught.. Her heart thumped in her
> chest. I like this imagery -‘Run’, -‘Run’ it said. ‘I can’t’. – ‘Run and it will stop, If the speaker is different then you put the start of the speech on a new line. Even if the voice is in her head it's different.
> run and you’ll escape’. As she inhaled comma a suffocating pain tightened
> around her full stop it slithered past her belly belly is a childish word, use stomach, torso, abdomen, or something and wrapped itself around her
> chest be more graphic, use internal bits - ribcage, windpipe, etc. The breeze sliced like ice rhyme, yay on the sides of her face and
> scuttled down her spine.Seems you got my subliminals heh - this last bit is much better -- ‘Why don’t you run, why do you stand
> still’. You usually have question marks after
> The sound of the willow tree creakedcomma swaying in time with the wind.
> Its leaves whistled as the branches swung, the noise pierced through
> the air tillA cash register? It's either 'til or until the breeze plucked each leaf from the branches 'every branch' works better and the
> clatter of its wooden makes it sound like a scarecrow. Bark-covered or something, a different attribute to focus on? arms nice personification battered each other. She bit down on her
> teeth It's impossible to bit your teeth, you can grind them though - have her do that leaving only her nose to draw in the air full stop As she inhaled the
> hairs in her nostrils were singed and her lungs filled with oxygen comma burning
> the depths of her fleshy organs, her eyes watering watered? you're changing tenses here.
> - ‘Nobodies here. You hurt… Run’. line
‘I can’t’.
The clouds thickened maybe change this word - plumped etc is nice in
> the air, the moon had risen in the east Does it actually rise is the east? Though that was the sun?, but its light was trapped in
> the sky behind a insert adjective i.e. Translucent film of fog omited a bit here - was irrelevent.
> She stood still, her eyes shut tight again. She
> focused on her legs, feeling the strain of the tense muscles that
> wrenched downwardomited the 's', she tried to imagine she was running, running
> along the river looking deep into the rushing water to see to the
> bottom as rays of light shone through comma breaking the surface.
Got to go and cook now - hope this helps and I will carry on and do the rest if you want me to.
I did read it all. Not a lot of constructive stuff to add I'm affraid. Some of the descriptions were quite nice, but in parts I just found it to be a bit "The this" and "The that". Too many sentences starting with the and little things like, "The willow tree". I don't know why, but I didn't like it like that. "A willow tree", (which is what I changed it to in my head the first time you mention it), just seemed to work better. After you've mentioned it, calling it "the willow tree" works fine.
Picky, but...meh?
I had no idea where the story was going, even when I seemed to be 'running' aha out of words to read.
To start I thought it was an ode to Paula, then I thought some sort of natural disaster was occuring. I dunno, it just didn't grab me. First draft and all, so it'll be interesting to read it when changed.
Sorry I can't be of more help.
Picky, but...meh?
I had no idea where the story was going, even when I seemed to be 'running' aha out of words to read.
To start I thought it was an ode to Paula, then I thought some sort of natural disaster was occuring. I dunno, it just didn't grab me. First draft and all, so it'll be interesting to read it when changed.
Sorry I can't be of more help.
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