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Ok, before I post this Id like you all to know this is the GAYEST thing Ive ever written. WOW. Im impressed. and BELIEVE ME..Ive written some gay crape in my time. We'll, here you go.
Batten Down the Hatches
Amidst the quiet open sea the HMS Hereford sailed painfully forwards in the lucky breeze. She was returning from what was commonly known as ‘exploits’ abroad, which usually consisted of burning and pillaging towns outside of the Crowns protection, thus encouraging them to join the Empire and earn a pretty penny in the doing. Her cargo holds held commercial cleaners and door handles from the most recent ‘client’. Her Captain, standing proudly at the helm, trying desperately to hide his less than massive erection behind the wheel, glanced upward and noticed a deckhand staring down at him from the crows nest.
“WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT!” he yelled in a disgusted tone. “KEEP YOUR EYES OUT TO SEA OR I’LL HAVE YOU WHIPPED IN THE BRIG!”. The deckhand paused for a moment, considering the Captains offer, but then turned his head back to the open sea, endlessly searching for what was not there. The Captain returned to his previous activity, ignoring the deckhands disobedience. Suddenly a shout came from above. “SHIP AHOY, 15 DEGREES OF THE PORT BOW”. The Captains telescope jerked upwards and his expression almost immediately turned to one of fear. “Pirates”, he whispered, almost to himself.
Ten minutes later, despite the Herefords attempts to outrun the ship by sailing backwards, the pirate ship was alongside them. Numerous grappling hooks flew over onto the deck and fastened onto various furnishings, pieces of equipment, and people. “ARM YOURSELVES”, yelled the Captain, “I’LL BE IN CABIN IF YOU NEED ME”, and he quickly disappeared. Yet more hooks flew overhead fastening to the sails and a flurry of pirates swung in from their ship. A chorus or “AAAAARRRR!!!”s followed as they landed on the deck and proceeded to bash people with planks of wood, saucepans, wooden legs, and pretty much anything they could get their hands on. Left and right, sailors were clashing with pirates, trying desperately to hold them back. Bodies began to pile up of horrible mutilated corpses, one deckhand stabbed with a piece of mouldy cheese. Soon the battle was over and the pirate Captain stepped onto his new ship. Here stood the most feared man of all the 3-seas-that-really-matter-cos-the-others-suck. Long John. Men trembled at his name, some with fear, and others with just anticipation. You either joined him, or you were forced to do something diabolical with what was nicknamed “the plank”.
“ARRR!” a dirty pirate shouted, “tha captains still in his kabin”. Long John walked over over to the door, but slowly, as walking was hard for him. He’d lost a certain appendage in battle and all that was there now was a wooden replacement, as was the case with many pirates. Maybe it was a fashion trend. “I’M THE LOVE PIRATE, AND I’M HERE FOR YOUR BOOTY”, shouted Long John, knocking on the door. A chorus of chuckling “AR”s resonated throughout the men. After a quiet sigh from inside, the door opened and the Captain walked out. “Do with me as you will!” he cried out. Drama Queen. “Take him below men”. A toothy grin penetrated Long Johns lips. Well, one tooth IS toothy for a pirate. Most of them men disappeared below deck, and soon the only people left were Long John , some pirates cleaning up the mess, and two others squabbling over a certain booty. “AAARRRRRR!!!”, argued one pirate, followed by a very good point of “AAARRRR!!!” from the other. “arr…” said the first, disheartened from the heated debate. “AAARR!! ME HEARTEYS!!”, shouted the captain, “WE SET SAIL FOR PETES BAR, BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES, HOIST THE MAINBRACE, SHIVER ME TIMBERS”. A general murmor of “Aye Captain…” echoed around the deck.
Later that day, at Pete's bar a group of pirates sat drinking to their hearts content. A hard days a plunderin’ had its rewards. Shouts of “YOUR BOOTY SHIVERS ME TIMBERS!”, “ARR! I SEE YOU’VE HOISTED YER SAILS TONIGHT!”, and other commercial pirate slogans dominated the merry scene. By the dock the pirate crew unloaded the precious cargo or commercial cleaners and door handles, and painted a new name on the HMS Hereford. She would now be known as the Pirate Mateys Ship Cockerspaniel. Tomorrow she set sail for Bobs Burger Barn, treacherous waters, Rednecks that could, with their very incestuous nature, turn a man into a loud-mouth, yella-bellied, ‘ma mother is aunt!’ hick. Long John knew he’d have to keep a tight hold on his crew to make them feel secure in their next adventure. Later that night Long John and his crew all snuggled down to bed with a nice warm cup of coco, and Long John lay there in his tight, revealing pyjamas dreaming of the day ahead.
~fin
I know I know, its terrible. so many puns and ineundos. Its my gay pinacle. Its downhill from here on in. I cant get any gayer. and Im not ever gay! I thought the PMS Cockerspaniel was a little to far, and maybe the erection part...but. eh.
Batten Down the Hatches
Amidst the quiet open sea the HMS Hereford sailed painfully forwards in the lucky breeze. She was returning from what was commonly known as ‘exploits’ abroad, which usually consisted of burning and pillaging towns outside of the Crowns protection, thus encouraging them to join the Empire and earn a pretty penny in the doing. Her cargo holds held commercial cleaners and door handles from the most recent ‘client’. Her Captain, standing proudly at the helm, trying desperately to hide his less than massive erection behind the wheel, glanced upward and noticed a deckhand staring down at him from the crows nest.
“WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT!” he yelled in a disgusted tone. “KEEP YOUR EYES OUT TO SEA OR I’LL HAVE YOU WHIPPED IN THE BRIG!”. The deckhand paused for a moment, considering the Captains offer, but then turned his head back to the open sea, endlessly searching for what was not there. The Captain returned to his previous activity, ignoring the deckhands disobedience. Suddenly a shout came from above. “SHIP AHOY, 15 DEGREES OF THE PORT BOW”. The Captains telescope jerked upwards and his expression almost immediately turned to one of fear. “Pirates”, he whispered, almost to himself.
Ten minutes later, despite the Herefords attempts to outrun the ship by sailing backwards, the pirate ship was alongside them. Numerous grappling hooks flew over onto the deck and fastened onto various furnishings, pieces of equipment, and people. “ARM YOURSELVES”, yelled the Captain, “I’LL BE IN CABIN IF YOU NEED ME”, and he quickly disappeared. Yet more hooks flew overhead fastening to the sails and a flurry of pirates swung in from their ship. A chorus or “AAAAARRRR!!!”s followed as they landed on the deck and proceeded to bash people with planks of wood, saucepans, wooden legs, and pretty much anything they could get their hands on. Left and right, sailors were clashing with pirates, trying desperately to hold them back. Bodies began to pile up of horrible mutilated corpses, one deckhand stabbed with a piece of mouldy cheese. Soon the battle was over and the pirate Captain stepped onto his new ship. Here stood the most feared man of all the 3-seas-that-really-matter-cos-the-others-suck. Long John. Men trembled at his name, some with fear, and others with just anticipation. You either joined him, or you were forced to do something diabolical with what was nicknamed “the plank”.
“ARRR!” a dirty pirate shouted, “tha captains still in his kabin”. Long John walked over over to the door, but slowly, as walking was hard for him. He’d lost a certain appendage in battle and all that was there now was a wooden replacement, as was the case with many pirates. Maybe it was a fashion trend. “I’M THE LOVE PIRATE, AND I’M HERE FOR YOUR BOOTY”, shouted Long John, knocking on the door. A chorus of chuckling “AR”s resonated throughout the men. After a quiet sigh from inside, the door opened and the Captain walked out. “Do with me as you will!” he cried out. Drama Queen. “Take him below men”. A toothy grin penetrated Long Johns lips. Well, one tooth IS toothy for a pirate. Most of them men disappeared below deck, and soon the only people left were Long John , some pirates cleaning up the mess, and two others squabbling over a certain booty. “AAARRRRRR!!!”, argued one pirate, followed by a very good point of “AAARRRR!!!” from the other. “arr…” said the first, disheartened from the heated debate. “AAARR!! ME HEARTEYS!!”, shouted the captain, “WE SET SAIL FOR PETES BAR, BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES, HOIST THE MAINBRACE, SHIVER ME TIMBERS”. A general murmor of “Aye Captain…” echoed around the deck.
Later that day, at Pete's bar a group of pirates sat drinking to their hearts content. A hard days a plunderin’ had its rewards. Shouts of “YOUR BOOTY SHIVERS ME TIMBERS!”, “ARR! I SEE YOU’VE HOISTED YER SAILS TONIGHT!”, and other commercial pirate slogans dominated the merry scene. By the dock the pirate crew unloaded the precious cargo or commercial cleaners and door handles, and painted a new name on the HMS Hereford. She would now be known as the Pirate Mateys Ship Cockerspaniel. Tomorrow she set sail for Bobs Burger Barn, treacherous waters, Rednecks that could, with their very incestuous nature, turn a man into a loud-mouth, yella-bellied, ‘ma mother is aunt!’ hick. Long John knew he’d have to keep a tight hold on his crew to make them feel secure in their next adventure. Later that night Long John and his crew all snuggled down to bed with a nice warm cup of coco, and Long John lay there in his tight, revealing pyjamas dreaming of the day ahead.
~fin
I know I know, its terrible. so many puns and ineundos. Its my gay pinacle. Its downhill from here on in. I cant get any gayer. and Im not ever gay! I thought the PMS Cockerspaniel was a little to far, and maybe the erection part...but. eh.
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"The Pirates of Ben's Pants"
Frankly, it scared me.
Frankly, it scared me.
Sorry, trade secrets. No can tell, unless your ringer exceeds the minimum diameter.
Tell me, Fozz, why do you call these things essays?
They aren't essays.
Tell me, Fozz, why do you call these things essays?
They aren't essays.
wow, oh wise guru of gay essays, mend my broken ways, make me gayer than ever before!
Trust me on this one: you can get a lot, lot gayer than that, and go a lot, lot further. I speak from experience.
I went to see my sister this weekend and she insisted on getting her friends to read it. One told me I needed help. repeatedly.
lol glove. you made my day. a musical. aahhh.
Peter Pan, anyone?
Gay pirates! Someone should turn this into a musical.
Im sorry if you took it as an insult...I didnt mean it that way. I just meant that Im used to reading stuff about murders and people turning insane, and yours wasnt very violent or very insane..it was a little....weird mental etc..I dunno. I just felt that. It was good though.
Oh yes, you can get much stranger than that. I copied your response mainly because I didn't fully understand "Id like to see it stranger topic or something funnier."
Funny I don't do (at least not deliberately) and strange? Actually an odd word to put in context. What is strange to one is not always strange to another.
Funny I don't do (at least not deliberately) and strange? Actually an odd word to put in context. What is strange to one is not always strange to another.
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