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Heard this the other day, made me chuckle.
This man arrives in Hell and is greeted by Satan. They say hello and that then Satan tells him what's going to happen.
"Here's the kop, you have to go in one of the three rooms you see in front of you and you have to stay there until someone takes your place, but you can look in each of them first then decide which one you have to go in."
The man thinks fair enough and takes a look in the first room to see this man chained up and being whipped over and over again. "You're not getting me in there!" the man shouts and goes to the next room.
He opens the door to find someone on the floor with six people around him kicking the living p!ss out of him. "No way!" the man exclaims. So he goes to the next door.
He opens the door to find this woman going down on a man. "That's the one for me he shouts!"
So Satan and the man walk into the room and Satan taps the woman on the back and goes, "Ok, you're out of here now"
This man arrives in Hell and is greeted by Satan. They say hello and that then Satan tells him what's going to happen.
"Here's the kop, you have to go in one of the three rooms you see in front of you and you have to stay there until someone takes your place, but you can look in each of them first then decide which one you have to go in."
The man thinks fair enough and takes a look in the first room to see this man chained up and being whipped over and over again. "You're not getting me in there!" the man shouts and goes to the next room.
He opens the door to find someone on the floor with six people around him kicking the living p!ss out of him. "No way!" the man exclaims. So he goes to the next door.
He opens the door to find this woman going down on a man. "That's the one for me he shouts!"
So Satan and the man walk into the room and Satan taps the woman on the back and goes, "Ok, you're out of here now"
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A hunter is in the wood. Just by the woods is a road running between 2 villages. The hunter spots a rabbit & BANG, shoots the it dead. He runs up to it, picks it up & says "the dogs will love this for their dinner".
Just then he looks down the road and sees the vicar walking between the two towns. The hunter, still holding the dead rabbit, thinks "right I have just killed one of gods creatures & I dont think that the vicar will be too happy about that". So he hide behind a tree.
Meanwhile the vicar is walking between the 2 villages and he think to himself "Blimy I really, really need to take a dump". He looks around & realising that he wont be able to either village decides to just lift his robe, pop his bum over a small wall & do his business.
The hunter, watching from behind a tree, was nearly wetting himself laughing when he dicided to play a trick on the vicar. So with his hunting knife, he guts the rabbit, sneeks up to where the vicar is doing his do, puts the rabbit guts on the vicars steaming muck & legs it off to the village that the vicar was on his way to. Once he get there he goes into the pub & orders 2 large Brandies.
About 5 minutes later the vicar walks into the pub, white as a ghost and walking very gingerly with his legs wide a part, like he has just got off a horse. The hunter calls him over, give him the drink & asks what is wrong. The vicar replies "Well my child, I was walking between the two villages when I really need a dump. I knew I wouldn't make it to either of the village so I popped my bottem over a wall & let it all out." The hunter says "so why the strange walk & the white face?"
The vicar answered "well all my guts fell out when I went."
The hunter says "thats terrible."
The vicar replied "not to worry, there was a stick near by and I managed to get most of it back up!!!"
Just then he looks down the road and sees the vicar walking between the two towns. The hunter, still holding the dead rabbit, thinks "right I have just killed one of gods creatures & I dont think that the vicar will be too happy about that". So he hide behind a tree.
Meanwhile the vicar is walking between the 2 villages and he think to himself "Blimy I really, really need to take a dump". He looks around & realising that he wont be able to either village decides to just lift his robe, pop his bum over a small wall & do his business.
The hunter, watching from behind a tree, was nearly wetting himself laughing when he dicided to play a trick on the vicar. So with his hunting knife, he guts the rabbit, sneeks up to where the vicar is doing his do, puts the rabbit guts on the vicars steaming muck & legs it off to the village that the vicar was on his way to. Once he get there he goes into the pub & orders 2 large Brandies.
About 5 minutes later the vicar walks into the pub, white as a ghost and walking very gingerly with his legs wide a part, like he has just got off a horse. The hunter calls him over, give him the drink & asks what is wrong. The vicar replies "Well my child, I was walking between the two villages when I really need a dump. I knew I wouldn't make it to either of the village so I popped my bottem over a wall & let it all out." The hunter says "so why the strange walk & the white face?"
The vicar answered "well all my guts fell out when I went."
The hunter says "thats terrible."
The vicar replied "not to worry, there was a stick near by and I managed to get most of it back up!!!"
Bulletts quick joke 3 is class in a glass, except its not in a glass or a pint of guiness.
Taken from Ebaumsworld (and possibly from somewhere else):
A car breaks down along the highway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in long black trench coats. The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to all the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups. When the police questioned him why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"
-------------------------------
Quick Joke 2
Two male buddies were walking through the woods when out of no where, a poisonous snake came and bit one of the men in the penis! The man collapsed to the ground while his friend ran to town to get help. The man arrived at a doctor's office and said help, help, my friend was bit by a snake in the penis. The doctor remarked that he couldn't get all his tools to the woods in time to save the friend, so he told him that he would have to suck the venom out of his friend! There has got to be another way said the man and the doctor sighed no I am sorry! The man ran back to the woods and found his poor friends lying on the floor in allot of pain! The man on the floor cried, what did the doctor say? The friend said, he said you're going to die.
-----------------------------
Quick Joke 3
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."
"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle." The old woman fainted.
-------------------------------
Quick Joke 4
A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me.
Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pisssed.
"Where the hell have you been?!"
"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!! You went bowling again!!"
[S][S][S]Because I can cut & paste...
A car breaks down along the highway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in long black trench coats. The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to all the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups. When the police questioned him why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"
-------------------------------
Quick Joke 2
Two male buddies were walking through the woods when out of no where, a poisonous snake came and bit one of the men in the penis! The man collapsed to the ground while his friend ran to town to get help. The man arrived at a doctor's office and said help, help, my friend was bit by a snake in the penis. The doctor remarked that he couldn't get all his tools to the woods in time to save the friend, so he told him that he would have to suck the venom out of his friend! There has got to be another way said the man and the doctor sighed no I am sorry! The man ran back to the woods and found his poor friends lying on the floor in allot of pain! The man on the floor cried, what did the doctor say? The friend said, he said you're going to die.
-----------------------------
Quick Joke 3
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."
"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle." The old woman fainted.
-------------------------------
Quick Joke 4
A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me.
Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pisssed.
"Where the hell have you been?!"
"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!! You went bowling again!!"
[S][S][S]Because I can cut & paste...
The Hibernator wrote:
> crajo90 wrote:
> Two drums and a symbol fall off a cliff.
>
> Ba dom Chhhh
>
> I quite like that one, actually, I'll repeat that in the pub.
It's a crappier version of an older joke though
Two elephants fall off a cliff.
Boom boom.
I first heard that about 8 years ago and it's still funny to this day.
> crajo90 wrote:
> Two drums and a symbol fall off a cliff.
>
> Ba dom Chhhh
>
> I quite like that one, actually, I'll repeat that in the pub.
It's a crappier version of an older joke though
Two elephants fall off a cliff.
Boom boom.
I first heard that about 8 years ago and it's still funny to this day.
Funniest joke this year:
What was Old McDonald on trial for at court?
Grievous bodily farm.
What was Old McDonald on trial for at court?
Grievous bodily farm.
crajo90 wrote:
> Two drums and a symbol fall off a cliff.
>
> Ba dom Chhhh
I quite like that one, actually, I'll repeat that in the pub.
> Two drums and a symbol fall off a cliff.
>
> Ba dom Chhhh
I quite like that one, actually, I'll repeat that in the pub.
Dante, you rang... wrote:
> Yea, I preferred the old drummers, they had skill.
You know not what you say.
You're saying today's drummers don't have skill because they have better equipment?
That's just....wrong.
> Yea, I preferred the old drummers, they had skill.
You know not what you say.
You're saying today's drummers don't have skill because they have better equipment?
That's just....wrong.
Ive not heard that one but it did make me laugh!
Lawrence wrote:
> A lady goes to the doctor and says..'doctor doctor i have custard in
> one ear and jelly in the other' The doctor says..'it's ok your a
> triffle deaf'
You're making me hungry.
> A lady goes to the doctor and says..'doctor doctor i have custard in
> one ear and jelly in the other' The doctor says..'it's ok your a
> triffle deaf'
You're making me hungry.
Yea, I preferred the old drummers, they had skill.
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