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"The Drugs Do Work"

Yes yes, another post from me about me, but I've at last got something good to write about. So hush up, I can do what I like.

Well, at last, it looks like we've finally worked out what's wrong with me, being that I'm psychotic, and (while I hate to admit it) am schizophrenic.

Now there's still a large part of me that believes there's nothing wrong with me, and that's difficult to fight, but not impossible, which is the main thing.

Over the last month or so I've discovered that my brain is diseased, which wasn't so much of a shock as perhaps it should have been. I had meningious when I was younger, and fortunately instead of losing my limbs, hearing, etc, I was struck with brain damage, which was a bit harder to notice.

But well, dealing with all this, it's more like finding words for things that have always been. There's no difference, no change, only answers to questions that well, as you can guess, preoccupied my mind.

So now I'm on anti-psychotics, and it looks like I'll be on them for the rest of my life. I finally got around to talking to my parents about it, my father laughed and refused to believe it (which is -superb- for my paranoia, I might add), but my mother admitted that she found it hard to believe I'd be ill, but is accepting it slowly.

And now the only problems I have with myself are the rather slight side-affects (I shake a lot now, but it might be due to my feeling coming back and finding the cold more).. and well, now that I'm not spending my time trying to fight myself, I'm finding myself bored and with no idea what to do.

But it's great. I can concenrate again, much longer than I could before. I'm getting hungry again, which is amazing, and I'm eating more and at last putting weight on. I can clear my mind much easier, and while I still have bad moments, the rest of the time is excellent.

My mind is so clear I can't even think of a single bad thing at the moment. Seriously, it's great. It's kinda worrying though, to think that for the last ten years, even longer, I've been constantly fighting myself, never truly knowing if there was anything wrong with me.. that does wonders for your paranoia too.

But anyway, I'm happy, and now I'm off again to play with my nephews. Well, I thought it's only whenever someone's depressed that they write topics like this on here, so there we go.

Hope you're all just dandy.

Maybe "become one with the ego" is a better phrase than "crushing it."

I guess it depends on what you see of your ego.


But I guess nowdays I find I get the biggest buzzes when I've got no sense of self - the ego. So I guess you don't need confidence because you just be. A bit like a lack of self consiousness.

But I guess that doesn't fully explain things because then you'd be ready to anything, and somethings I'd rather have no self confidence than do, so perhaps you're phrasing it better, and what I'm trying to rid myself off is excess ego, the stuff that hangs around and holds you back with prejudices and other things that stop you thinking so clearly...

But I guess I know what I mean and what I'm aiming for.

The idea is to clear your head so you're buzzing for fresh thoughts.
I remember you saying that you were liking meditation for doing just that.
Although my philosophising is sound, I guess the hardest part is actually putting preaching into practice.

But I guess that the best thing is that there's nothing wrong if I don't, just more good if I do, after all it would defeat the entire object of it if I put pressure on myself, all false expectations and what not...

I'll wander there and see where it goes. :-)

If you get bored, slip one of your tablets into someones drink and watch them go insane.

munn wrote:
> Puddleface wrote:
> I went through a stage that still to this day i cant explain. It
> was
> the first year of A levels and the work was getting a little hard
> towards the end. I wasnt really stressed but for some reason around
> March of that year, i felt like I wasnt myself. It was one of the
> strangest periods of my life, I felt like I was going mad for no
> apparent reason. The only way I could describe it is not being in
> my
> own body. I felt like I was trapped in my body and was anxious
> about
> absolutely everything. It was one of those stages where i
> questioned
> life and thought about everything bad and negative that has happened
> to me.
>
> That's strange, the same sort of thing happened to me late last year
> too. I'd look in the mirror and ask myself if that was me. I was
> confused, and asking myself questions about life, the universe, and
> all that jazz (sorry, I had to say it), though I snapped out of it
> around Christmas.
>
> I hasn't made me think any differently since though.
> Guess it didn't "work" or something.



I know, I think it happens to most people, some more severe than others. I think its a time when you finally realise you need to grow up and stop being so pathetic.