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Only, er, ten months after getting back from holiday, I decided to get checked out (strike while the iron's hot, that's what I say!)
The Wal, who got jiggy with some s**t down in Whitehaven, also wanted checking out, so being best friends we decided to head down to the clinic together. Aww.
So I took the day off and met Wal, who ironically today was working where I do, only he's doing the air conditioning there. So I had to go to work on my day off. Bah.
Got there via Wal's Corsa, went in and had to fill out a form while he parked, then we sat, watching Quincy, with a bunch of other people. Some half decent lasses were in there, but the clinic is probably the LAST place you want to go to pick up a girl. Almost everyone there was a radgie. Classic. So Wal and I just talked to each other. We must've looked like right bum boys, being in the clinic together.
Was called through, left to wait in a room with HIV posters everywhere. Not quite what you want to see. Doctor came in, she was quite canny, asked me a load of questions like had I injected heroin or cocaine and had I had sex with a man. The usual stuff...
Was also asked if I'd like someone in with us to watch. Yes, to watch. Pretty standard for a female patient being seen by a male doctor to have another woman present, but I didn't feel the need to have some bloke watching as a woman in her late 30s fondled my bits. Already one too many people seeing my wang today, didn't need a second.
Had to drop my pants and boxers and lay down. After a bit of checking, she said everything seemed OK, and now she'd take two swabs. And by swabs they mean sticking a needle up your third eye. First one wasn't so bad; bloody felt the second one.
After that ordeal was over, I had some blood taken, got a plaster on it and was free! Only I had to wait for The Wal, who's appointment wasn't until 3:30, and it was only 3. I didn't know this, but he'd gone back outside to wait. Since the place was quite quiet they called his name a few minutes after I sat down and started flicking through a computer magazine (the only thing which even remotely interested me) and watched Meg and Mog on CITV. Woo.
Second time they called his name I said "Er... that's my mate. He must be outside" So I was sent to find him.
He came out with a paper bag, so I thought he'd been given some creams or something... but the doc had given him 26 condoms - all large sized. Even he laughed at that.
Some woman came in with her two kids. Taking your kids to the clinic? Dear Lord...
So we left, drove back listening to loud rap music. Yeah, we're wiggas. What's the worst possible thing you can do after having blood taken? Drink alcohol. So what did we do? Drink alcohol. And eat pasta and fish fingers. And play Mario Kart. Hey, this is only my second day off in 9 months, I felt I had to do SOMETHING with it other than get checked out.
So next Friday I've got to call up and get my results. Scary... And the little general, not amused by having stuff stuck in him, is giving me jip. Still getting the odd shooting pain. And my left arm feels weak. No solo playing for me tonight. Bah.
Still, it's something I've put off for FAR too long (if I'd got into a relationship I'd have been straight down to make sure I was OK, but as it was I've gone months without being with a bird, so I've not had to worry TOO much... except for my own safety, which for some reason takes a back seat usually) and I'm glad I got it out the way. Just got to wait and see if I'm clear of the usual STD nasties, and the big one - HIV.
Oh, and Wal's doctor was fit. And on his record it had that he'd had a rectal swab last time he was there (they practically know him by first name there) He wasn't too amused about that, and demanded she take it off. Classic.
The Wal, who got jiggy with some s**t down in Whitehaven, also wanted checking out, so being best friends we decided to head down to the clinic together. Aww.
So I took the day off and met Wal, who ironically today was working where I do, only he's doing the air conditioning there. So I had to go to work on my day off. Bah.
Got there via Wal's Corsa, went in and had to fill out a form while he parked, then we sat, watching Quincy, with a bunch of other people. Some half decent lasses were in there, but the clinic is probably the LAST place you want to go to pick up a girl. Almost everyone there was a radgie. Classic. So Wal and I just talked to each other. We must've looked like right bum boys, being in the clinic together.
Was called through, left to wait in a room with HIV posters everywhere. Not quite what you want to see. Doctor came in, she was quite canny, asked me a load of questions like had I injected heroin or cocaine and had I had sex with a man. The usual stuff...
Was also asked if I'd like someone in with us to watch. Yes, to watch. Pretty standard for a female patient being seen by a male doctor to have another woman present, but I didn't feel the need to have some bloke watching as a woman in her late 30s fondled my bits. Already one too many people seeing my wang today, didn't need a second.
Had to drop my pants and boxers and lay down. After a bit of checking, she said everything seemed OK, and now she'd take two swabs. And by swabs they mean sticking a needle up your third eye. First one wasn't so bad; bloody felt the second one.
After that ordeal was over, I had some blood taken, got a plaster on it and was free! Only I had to wait for The Wal, who's appointment wasn't until 3:30, and it was only 3. I didn't know this, but he'd gone back outside to wait. Since the place was quite quiet they called his name a few minutes after I sat down and started flicking through a computer magazine (the only thing which even remotely interested me) and watched Meg and Mog on CITV. Woo.
Second time they called his name I said "Er... that's my mate. He must be outside" So I was sent to find him.
He came out with a paper bag, so I thought he'd been given some creams or something... but the doc had given him 26 condoms - all large sized. Even he laughed at that.
Some woman came in with her two kids. Taking your kids to the clinic? Dear Lord...
So we left, drove back listening to loud rap music. Yeah, we're wiggas. What's the worst possible thing you can do after having blood taken? Drink alcohol. So what did we do? Drink alcohol. And eat pasta and fish fingers. And play Mario Kart. Hey, this is only my second day off in 9 months, I felt I had to do SOMETHING with it other than get checked out.
So next Friday I've got to call up and get my results. Scary... And the little general, not amused by having stuff stuck in him, is giving me jip. Still getting the odd shooting pain. And my left arm feels weak. No solo playing for me tonight. Bah.
Still, it's something I've put off for FAR too long (if I'd got into a relationship I'd have been straight down to make sure I was OK, but as it was I've gone months without being with a bird, so I've not had to worry TOO much... except for my own safety, which for some reason takes a back seat usually) and I'm glad I got it out the way. Just got to wait and see if I'm clear of the usual STD nasties, and the big one - HIV.
Oh, and Wal's doctor was fit. And on his record it had that he'd had a rectal swab last time he was there (they practically know him by first name there) He wasn't too amused about that, and demanded she take it off. Classic.
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Or get a willy transplant, they're becoming more popular these days. Or ask for an artificial one to be done.
then they'd use surgical sellotape, obviously.
What if you've got knob rot and it turns black and falls off and you take it to the doctor and they sow it back on and then it falls off again and...
If you can't laugh at STDs, you might as well already be dead. That's what I say.
"So you little member was bleeding after the jab into it?"
Na, just got the occasional shooting pain. It's not designed to have stuff go in it. Just thinking about it now makes me shudder. In a comical way.
"So you little member was bleeding after the jab into it?"
Na, just got the occasional shooting pain. It's not designed to have stuff go in it. Just thinking about it now makes me shudder. In a comical way.
I like how you're able to make something rather monotonous seem entertaining.
Hope you're all clear and that.
Hope you're all clear and that.
"rectal swab"
Hahaha.
Interesting read.
Hahaha.
Interesting read.
It's amazing what can compel you to read... I somehow expected it to end "and I got Aids" or something horrific.
I went to the clinic once to get some condoms, always useful.
I hate doctors looking at my bits...
I'm scared they'd get envious and chop it off... or the female ones would do the same to mould the perfect sex toy.
I went to the clinic once to get some condoms, always useful.
I hate doctors looking at my bits...
I'm scared they'd get envious and chop it off... or the female ones would do the same to mould the perfect sex toy.
ha did you have reason to suspect you might be a dirty lurgee bearer?
So you little member was bleeding after the jab into it?
I hope you didn't have unprotected sex with a prostitue manshe
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