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You read in the news about performance issues in London and some other places and you nodded, thought "Bloody post" and swapped stories about waiting for 3 days for a letter that should have arrived tomorrow.
You complain because your dvd doesn't arrive within 3 days from play.com, or Amazon hasn't arrived even though you requested special delivery.
Or you whinge to your family when the postie hasn't arrived by 10am and you've been hanging about waiting for that letter and blah blah blah blah.
Some of these are fair comment, some of them are tedious noise that nobody cares about or pays attention to.
However, we detest you as much as you moan about us.
Not all of you, don't get me wrong. But an awful lot of you.
Why? Here's a few inside secrets for you.
And obviously I don't speak for Royal Mail, or anybody else except for myself, so it's not potentially slanderous.
Special Delivery
These are those letters/packets with the grey sticker that says "Before 12pm", these are the packets you pay extra for because they're extremely important and you have to recieve it.
Fair enough.
SO GODDAM BE IN WHEN I DELIVER IT THEN.
9 times in the past 3 weeks this has happened. "Before 12". I arrive between 9am and 11:30am. And each and every single time nobody has been in.
You assfaces. If you pay the extra, then be in to sign for it. We've all done it, expecting a delivery of something so you take the morning off work or get up early if you're off. And you wait.
As soon as it's 12pm, go off and do stuff, I failed in my duty to deliver before the appointed time. But nooooooooooo, you have to be out don't you?
Magazines
You're invalid or lazy and can't be arsed to go to the shop to buy your Motorcycle News Monthly or FHM or Caravan World or Radio Times.
So I have the pleasure of 117 houses with heavy-ass mags I can buy in WHSmiths. And, this is the real redfacer, oftentimes a house will have 3-4 copies of the Radio Times, all addressed to different people.
WHY? WHY ARE YOU SO GODDAMN STUPID YOU NEED 3 COPIES? There is no excuse to need multiple copies of the same magazine delivered. Get in your SUV, drive the 110 yards to the local shops and. Buy. A. Magazine.
Massive Packets
Use your water-filled heads here people, some things will not go through your front door and chances are you'll be at work anyway.
So the following articles, all personally witnessed by myself, shall no longer be eligible for your weary Postman to lug around for 4hrs:
Footballs - Buy one and kick it you monger
Exhaust System - I'd like to shoot your children for that one you ass
Yukka Plant - I am not David Bellamy or Ray Mears
A Kite - Yep, a fully-extended Kite wrapped in newspaper.
Think to yourself, "Do I dabble in physics?" before you attempt to post something to your retard relatives in some vast concrete toilet in Essex
Correct Address
Seems obvious doesn't it? You learn this stuff at school, "Name. Address. Town. Postcode". Simple.
So don't just put "Sanjay Seervajingh, Church Langley, Harlow" you clown.
Try, before you squash that letter through the postbox with your flippers, to think "Now have I put all the details down?" before monging off to watch Casualty and Eastenders.
Or, my favourite so far, "Bill. Harlow. Esexx"
Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh
Crap jokes about the weather
We've heard them. All of them. Every variation. If you must speak, nod and say "Morning Postie", this is fine and very welcome in fact.
Don't say "Nice weather for ducks", because that's nonsensical.
Don't say "Rather you than me", because Postie will stop in his tracks, make a note of your door number and forget to deliver your post for the next day.
Don't say "Hope you can swim! Hahahahaha!"
Don't say "Cor, you'll be home in time for neighbours wontcha?"
Don't say "Where's Bill/Sam/Steve then? On holiday?", or if you must, then don't look puzzled when Postie says "Nope, stolen by gypsies. Or dead. I forget which" before walking across your front lawn and on to the next house.
Don't say "Oh, my post is wet" when it's thumping down and your Postman looks bedraggled and very, very angry at your jawdropping stupidity.
Of course it's wet, I've been carrying it in my arm for 20 mins whilst water falls out the sky onto it and me.
You spastic.
----
That'll do for now.
Royal Mail - We loathe you more than you do us.
But it's still the most fun job I've had in 31 years.
You complain because your dvd doesn't arrive within 3 days from play.com, or Amazon hasn't arrived even though you requested special delivery.
Or you whinge to your family when the postie hasn't arrived by 10am and you've been hanging about waiting for that letter and blah blah blah blah.
Some of these are fair comment, some of them are tedious noise that nobody cares about or pays attention to.
However, we detest you as much as you moan about us.
Not all of you, don't get me wrong. But an awful lot of you.
Why? Here's a few inside secrets for you.
And obviously I don't speak for Royal Mail, or anybody else except for myself, so it's not potentially slanderous.
Special Delivery
These are those letters/packets with the grey sticker that says "Before 12pm", these are the packets you pay extra for because they're extremely important and you have to recieve it.
Fair enough.
SO GODDAM BE IN WHEN I DELIVER IT THEN.
9 times in the past 3 weeks this has happened. "Before 12". I arrive between 9am and 11:30am. And each and every single time nobody has been in.
You assfaces. If you pay the extra, then be in to sign for it. We've all done it, expecting a delivery of something so you take the morning off work or get up early if you're off. And you wait.
As soon as it's 12pm, go off and do stuff, I failed in my duty to deliver before the appointed time. But nooooooooooo, you have to be out don't you?
Magazines
You're invalid or lazy and can't be arsed to go to the shop to buy your Motorcycle News Monthly or FHM or Caravan World or Radio Times.
So I have the pleasure of 117 houses with heavy-ass mags I can buy in WHSmiths. And, this is the real redfacer, oftentimes a house will have 3-4 copies of the Radio Times, all addressed to different people.
WHY? WHY ARE YOU SO GODDAMN STUPID YOU NEED 3 COPIES? There is no excuse to need multiple copies of the same magazine delivered. Get in your SUV, drive the 110 yards to the local shops and. Buy. A. Magazine.
Massive Packets
Use your water-filled heads here people, some things will not go through your front door and chances are you'll be at work anyway.
So the following articles, all personally witnessed by myself, shall no longer be eligible for your weary Postman to lug around for 4hrs:
Footballs - Buy one and kick it you monger
Exhaust System - I'd like to shoot your children for that one you ass
Yukka Plant - I am not David Bellamy or Ray Mears
A Kite - Yep, a fully-extended Kite wrapped in newspaper.
Think to yourself, "Do I dabble in physics?" before you attempt to post something to your retard relatives in some vast concrete toilet in Essex
Correct Address
Seems obvious doesn't it? You learn this stuff at school, "Name. Address. Town. Postcode". Simple.
So don't just put "Sanjay Seervajingh, Church Langley, Harlow" you clown.
Try, before you squash that letter through the postbox with your flippers, to think "Now have I put all the details down?" before monging off to watch Casualty and Eastenders.
Or, my favourite so far, "Bill. Harlow. Esexx"
Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh
Crap jokes about the weather
We've heard them. All of them. Every variation. If you must speak, nod and say "Morning Postie", this is fine and very welcome in fact.
Don't say "Nice weather for ducks", because that's nonsensical.
Don't say "Rather you than me", because Postie will stop in his tracks, make a note of your door number and forget to deliver your post for the next day.
Don't say "Hope you can swim! Hahahahaha!"
Don't say "Cor, you'll be home in time for neighbours wontcha?"
Don't say "Where's Bill/Sam/Steve then? On holiday?", or if you must, then don't look puzzled when Postie says "Nope, stolen by gypsies. Or dead. I forget which" before walking across your front lawn and on to the next house.
Don't say "Oh, my post is wet" when it's thumping down and your Postman looks bedraggled and very, very angry at your jawdropping stupidity.
Of course it's wet, I've been carrying it in my arm for 20 mins whilst water falls out the sky onto it and me.
You spastic.
----
That'll do for now.
Royal Mail - We loathe you more than you do us.
But it's still the most fun job I've had in 31 years.
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My postmen have Burburry caps and hair gelled to their forehead.
One complaint I have is that they seem to dump their elastic bands in front of my door. Now you may say... " Shut up spastic, it's only an elastic band. "
Don't care, it annoys me and I shouldn't have to pick it up.
One complaint I have is that they seem to dump their elastic bands in front of my door. Now you may say... " Shut up spastic, it's only an elastic band. "
Don't care, it annoys me and I shouldn't have to pick it up.
Whitestripes DX wrote:
> It's your job to deliver my food and you get paid for it, why am I
> supposed to give you extra?
----
Ok Mr Pink, nobody is talking about waiters except you.
C'mon, give it to me! Tell me I'm "gay" and stuff, that'll really really hurt!
Oh, and point out where I moan about having to deliver heavy stuff?
Magazines? Wasn't the point of that but thanks for playing.
> It's your job to deliver my food and you get paid for it, why am I
> supposed to give you extra?
----
Ok Mr Pink, nobody is talking about waiters except you.
C'mon, give it to me! Tell me I'm "gay" and stuff, that'll really really hurt!
Oh, and point out where I moan about having to deliver heavy stuff?
Magazines? Wasn't the point of that but thanks for playing.
Whitestripes DX wrote:
> Yup.
>
> You're as bad as waiters who moan if I don't leave a tip.
>
>
> It's your job to deliver my food and you get paid for it, why am I
> supposed to give you extra?
Heh. Wow; I shudder to think about the amount of spunk, poo, and pee you've consumed over the years. I hope you never eat at the same place twice...
> Yup.
>
> You're as bad as waiters who moan if I don't leave a tip.
>
>
> It's your job to deliver my food and you get paid for it, why am I
> supposed to give you extra?
Heh. Wow; I shudder to think about the amount of spunk, poo, and pee you've consumed over the years. I hope you never eat at the same place twice...
Yup.
You're as bad as waiters who moan if I don't leave a tip.
It's your job to deliver my food and you get paid for it, why am I supposed to give you extra?
You're as bad as waiters who moan if I don't leave a tip.
It's your job to deliver my food and you get paid for it, why am I supposed to give you extra?
Wow! That told me!
It's your job to deliver stuff.
I don't see waiters moaning about how much food they have to carry round.
If the postal service is too dumb to realise that large parcels should be delivered by a guy in a van it's not our fault. Get over it.
I don't see waiters moaning about how much food they have to carry round.
If the postal service is too dumb to realise that large parcels should be delivered by a guy in a van it's not our fault. Get over it.
My postie usually comes at about 2 in the afternoon. Weird.
munn wrote:
> If it's so difficult for you posties to carry so much, complain and
> get them to hire more.
> It's your job. It's our right to moan.
------
You really are extremely thick aren't you? Sure, we'll hire two postmen just for your house!
The point is, we don't care if you complain and we're not going to injure ourselves. It's your right to moan, it's our right to laugh and not deliver to you for 3 days simply to annoy you.
> We've actually had mail in telling us to pay credit card debts before
> we got the letter.
How is that a postman's fault?
You tool. Be more proficient with your credit payments then, don't blame me because you spent it all on wankmags and dairy products.
Now go do your homework.
> If it's so difficult for you posties to carry so much, complain and
> get them to hire more.
> It's your job. It's our right to moan.
------
You really are extremely thick aren't you? Sure, we'll hire two postmen just for your house!
The point is, we don't care if you complain and we're not going to injure ourselves. It's your right to moan, it's our right to laugh and not deliver to you for 3 days simply to annoy you.
> We've actually had mail in telling us to pay credit card debts before
> we got the letter.
How is that a postman's fault?
You tool. Be more proficient with your credit payments then, don't blame me because you spent it all on wankmags and dairy products.
Now go do your homework.
Lol Goaty, that was golden. I can totally relate to your side of it too, since I work for them too.
And Munn, if it was that easy, don't you think we would?
And Munn, if it was that easy, don't you think we would?
If it's so difficult for you posties to carry so much, complain and get them to hire more.
It's your job. It's our right to moan.
We've actually had mail in telling us to pay credit card debts before we got the letter.
You suck.
You suck.
You suck.
And I thought you were called Consignia now.
Hmmm.
It's your job. It's our right to moan.
We've actually had mail in telling us to pay credit card debts before we got the letter.
You suck.
You suck.
You suck.
And I thought you were called Consignia now.
Hmmm.
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