Viewing Thread:
"You'll go up - I'll go Down"

I felt in a rhyming mood today, so I decided to make a fictional poem, it may look long, but please – don’t let that put you off. It rhymes for the most part – so it should be easy to read. Enjoy.


*******************************************************
You’ll go up, I’ll go down

You and I, we are poles apart,
You are a beautiful work of art,
Attractive, witty and you’re smart,
And you’ve got a golden heart,
We are indeed poles apart.

That’s why you’ll go up to heaven,
That’s why I’ll go as south as Devon,
Compared to you, I’m going to hell,
But, I’m sure my friend, that time will tell.

You and I, we are very unlike,
You’ll be calm come next Tax Hike,
You said I looked like Dick Van D**e,
Every thing around us – you like,
That’s why we are very unlike.

That’s why you’ll go up to heaven,
That’s why I’ll go as south as Devon,
Compared to you, I’m going to hell,
But, I’m sure my friend, that time will tell.

You and I, we are diverse,
You never shout, scream or curse,
You start to cry when you see a hearse,
With you life seems in-verse
But you and I – we are diverse.

That’s why you’ll go up to heaven,
That’s why I’ll go as south as Devon,
Compared to you, I’m going to hell,
But, I’m sure my friend, that time will tell.

They say opposites attract,
Are you sure if that’s a fact?
I think you’re too good for me,
Surely this is obvious – can you not see?
Yet you insist that you love me

Every night, when you went home,
I’d take a walk – start to roam,
I bought a book – but you’d call it a tome,
“Manners” the title is shown,

I bought it so we could be similar;
Not diverse, unlike or dissimilar
Maybe one day we can both go to heaven,
And not as far down as deathly Devon.

You haven’t rang me for over a week,
I’m feeling drained, I’m feeling weak,
Without you, my life has a leak,
I’ve bought you a ring from your favorite boutique,
Please answer, we need to speak.

I just left the phone ringing – all night,
After 2 hours you answered; “are you alright?”
I asked – she giggled “you’re not very polite”
“Ringing me at this time of night
Don’t you dare ring again – tonight”

She hung up – there was something wrong

I decided to take a walk to clear my head,
I was going to my local pub -------
But I decided to visit our favorite Disco Instead,
Then, to my horror, to my dread,
Dancing with another man – I saw you up ahead,
For a moment, my heart bled,
To think, yesterday I wanted to Wed.

[I]You are different from me,

I wouldn’t cheat on somebody I loved,

I don’t feel like I have to pretend to be something I’m not anymore,

I can shout and curse,
Scratch my manly Purse,
I can laugh at that Hearse,

But I now stand corrected; you’ll go as low as Deathly Devon,
As of now, I’m going up – with all the stars, and Gloria Estefan.
*******************************************************
A Discodexy Creation ™

I didn't feel like commenting seriously earlier, because I thought it was crap.

Oh, and Para, it's stanza, you nonce.
:)

I don't mean to be cruel but that wasn't very good. It seems that the rhyme scheme came first over the story - it feels like you just found a word, tried to find a rhyming word then tried to fit a story over. I think it'd be best to concentrate on the story more than the rhyme, rhyming every word means you limited yourself. Try other schemes, mix and match to come up with the best possible overall layout.

The worst rhyme though, was "I bought it so we could be similar; Not diverse, unlike or dissimilar".


These are just my thoughts so don't be put off or anything, keep at it.

Paradox: wrote:
> stanser

hahahahaha

Its a song/poem hybrid, and I normally do the A,B,A,B or A,A,B,B rhyming, but i really fancied a change. A,A,A,A,A is quite hard my friend, the hardest part is making it make sense!

As it goes through the chorus gets expanded, and fades out. It’s different though.

Cheers for the reply.

The rhyming was too nice but you're overdone it and drained each phoneme for all it is worth.

The third and fourth end rhyming words in each stanser seem a bit, shall we say, strained. stick to A,B,A,B poetry or A,A,B,B poetry and it gives you a lot more freedom when it comes to rhyming as it doesnt push you to search for words. The chorus is something uncommon of poetry, it is more common of a song really don't you think?

Perhaps pass it off as a song and you're onto something.

You take the high road and I'll take the low

I felt in a rhyming mood today, so I decided to make a fictional poem, it may look long, but please – don’t let that put you off. It rhymes for the most part – so it should be easy to read. Enjoy.


*******************************************************
You’ll go up, I’ll go down

You and I, we are poles apart,
You are a beautiful work of art,
Attractive, witty and you’re smart,
And you’ve got a golden heart,
We are indeed poles apart.

That’s why you’ll go up to heaven,
That’s why I’ll go as south as Devon,
Compared to you, I’m going to hell,
But, I’m sure my friend, that time will tell.

You and I, we are very unlike,
You’ll be calm come next Tax Hike,
You said I looked like Dick Van D**e,
Every thing around us – you like,
That’s why we are very unlike.

That’s why you’ll go up to heaven,
That’s why I’ll go as south as Devon,
Compared to you, I’m going to hell,
But, I’m sure my friend, that time will tell.

You and I, we are diverse,
You never shout, scream or curse,
You start to cry when you see a hearse,
With you life seems in-verse
But you and I – we are diverse.

That’s why you’ll go up to heaven,
That’s why I’ll go as south as Devon,
Compared to you, I’m going to hell,
But, I’m sure my friend, that time will tell.

They say opposites attract,
Are you sure if that’s a fact?
I think you’re too good for me,
Surely this is obvious – can you not see?
Yet you insist that you love me

Every night, when you went home,
I’d take a walk – start to roam,
I bought a book – but you’d call it a tome,
“Manners” the title is shown,

I bought it so we could be similar;
Not diverse, unlike or dissimilar
Maybe one day we can both go to heaven,
And not as far down as deathly Devon.

You haven’t rang me for over a week,
I’m feeling drained, I’m feeling weak,
Without you, my life has a leak,
I’ve bought you a ring from your favorite boutique,
Please answer, we need to speak.

I just left the phone ringing – all night,
After 2 hours you answered; “are you alright?”
I asked – she giggled “you’re not very polite”
“Ringing me at this time of night
Don’t you dare ring again – tonight”

She hung up – there was something wrong

I decided to take a walk to clear my head,
I was going to my local pub -------
But I decided to visit our favorite Disco Instead,
Then, to my horror, to my dread,
Dancing with another man – I saw you up ahead,
For a moment, my heart bled,
To think, yesterday I wanted to Wed.

[I]You are different from me,

I wouldn’t cheat on somebody I loved,

I don’t feel like I have to pretend to be something I’m not anymore,

I can shout and curse,
Scratch my manly Purse,
I can laugh at that Hearse,

But I now stand corrected; you’ll go as low as Deathly Devon,
As of now, I’m going up – with all the stars, and Gloria Estefan.
*******************************************************
A Discodexy Creation ™