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"The Last Samurai - A Review"

"I am drunk Tom Cruise, I sell these here rifles to ponces"
"I be Billy Connolly, Oirish Scotsman. Beggorah. Wee Poo Farty Farty"
"I am villainous Armyman, I am here to remind you of your tortured past Drunk Cruise. Here's a Chinaman, he wants you to train his army to use guns and things"
"Give me lots of money and I shall, but only after some slow motion angst flashbacks to indicate my inner demons"
"Herro Mistah Cluise, tlain my army with guns to defeat bad Samurai man"
"Ok, let's go to Japan"

"Now I shall teach your ancient armies that have fought thousands of attempted invasions to use muskets."
"Begorrah! Wee Poo Farty Bum Bum!"
"That's right Billy Connolly, isn't it ironic that I, survivor of The Little Big Horn, am teaching an ancient and noble culture to use modern weapons when, in fact, I feel more affinity with the ancient ways. This will come into play later on I suspect"
"Jobby!"

"Now for the battle. Even though you are not ready, which I demonstrated in a suicidal manner, to highlight the inner demons I harbour at being so damned nice"
"CHAAARGE!"
"Damn, now I have been taken captive by Evil Samurai Leader. My modern weapons were no match for his ancient strength, honour and discipline. Isn't that ironic, seeing as how at the start of the film I was drunkenly espousing the virtues of rifles"
Audience "Yes yes, let's have some kung fu now"
"Hello Tom Cruise, I am Evil Samurai. We will teach you how to become Samurai, because you and I are alike."
"Thanks. I shall learn it all in 1 winter and defeat 54 ninjas"
"Excellent, a wise choice I made in saving you"
"Wow, it takes a native Japanese warrior a lifetime to learn Samurai skills, ethics and codes, yet I did it in one winter. I rule"
"Hello Tom Cruise, I am the widow of somebody you killed in the battle. I love you"
"I love you too, but I am tortured by inner demons"
"Come Tom Cruise, let's spend 40 mins in a confusing political plot"
"Why?"
"Because you, a white man with 1 season's training, must defeat an entire city army to rescue me"
"Cool"

"Now, Tom Cruise, we stand facing thousands of soldiers armed with guns. And howitzers. And machine guns....man, you really screwed us over didn't you?"
"I didn't realise the nobility of the Samurai"
"Oh, that's ok then. Let's attack them with swords"
"Cool"

"Emperor, they all died. Except me. Here's Evil Samurai's sword, he loved you and wanted you to have this"
"Thanks Tom Cruise, you have shown me the error of my ways and helped me to understand my own people"
"Cool"
"Thank you, White Man, for highlighting the ignorance of us stupid Japanese. We truly could not have done this without your patronising help"
"No problems. L Ron Hubbarb thanks you"

Billy Connolly is a legend; his mid-1990's stuff is the best.

If you want to talk about crap comedians, look no further than Roy Chubby Brown...

....takes one to know one, my dad's got a bigger car than yours.

SHEEPY wrote:
> I won't hear a bad word against Connolly

He's an un-funny, un-talented, jobbie of a man.

Billy or Brian? Heck, that applies to both.

I won't hear a bad word against Connolly

What I liked was the fact that, Tom Cruise was being beaten up by teh Samurai, like, every day, then, that night, the Ninjas come, kill loads of Samurai, but super ultra Tom Cruise appears, and managed to fight 16 at a time.
The next day, he gets beaten up by samurai again.

The fights in it were very good, but if only Tom Cruise wasn't in EVERY SINGLE SODDING SCENE!!! But I liked it, no matter how patronising or shockingly historically inaccurate.

You forgot "I have had one seasons training, but now I am apt to lead samurai into battle with evil samurai leader"

I assumed he was playing himself

I liked it when Cruise got his ass beat by the master ninja. Several times. Stoopid Americans - THEY HAVE NO DISCIPLINE!

I thought it was a rather good film.