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"The Last Samurai - A Review"

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Mon 09/08/04 at 23:18
Regular
"Infantalised Forums"
Posts: 23,089
"I am drunk Tom Cruise, I sell these here rifles to ponces"
"I be Billy Connolly, Oirish Scotsman. Beggorah. Wee Poo Farty Farty"
"I am villainous Armyman, I am here to remind you of your tortured past Drunk Cruise. Here's a Chinaman, he wants you to train his army to use guns and things"
"Give me lots of money and I shall, but only after some slow motion angst flashbacks to indicate my inner demons"
"Herro Mistah Cluise, tlain my army with guns to defeat bad Samurai man"
"Ok, let's go to Japan"

"Now I shall teach your ancient armies that have fought thousands of attempted invasions to use muskets."
"Begorrah! Wee Poo Farty Bum Bum!"
"That's right Billy Connolly, isn't it ironic that I, survivor of The Little Big Horn, am teaching an ancient and noble culture to use modern weapons when, in fact, I feel more affinity with the ancient ways. This will come into play later on I suspect"
"Jobby!"

"Now for the battle. Even though you are not ready, which I demonstrated in a suicidal manner, to highlight the inner demons I harbour at being so damned nice"
"CHAAARGE!"
"Damn, now I have been taken captive by Evil Samurai Leader. My modern weapons were no match for his ancient strength, honour and discipline. Isn't that ironic, seeing as how at the start of the film I was drunkenly espousing the virtues of rifles"
Audience "Yes yes, let's have some kung fu now"
"Hello Tom Cruise, I am Evil Samurai. We will teach you how to become Samurai, because you and I are alike."
"Thanks. I shall learn it all in 1 winter and defeat 54 ninjas"
"Excellent, a wise choice I made in saving you"
"Wow, it takes a native Japanese warrior a lifetime to learn Samurai skills, ethics and codes, yet I did it in one winter. I rule"
"Hello Tom Cruise, I am the widow of somebody you killed in the battle. I love you"
"I love you too, but I am tortured by inner demons"
"Come Tom Cruise, let's spend 40 mins in a confusing political plot"
"Why?"
"Because you, a white man with 1 season's training, must defeat an entire city army to rescue me"
"Cool"

"Now, Tom Cruise, we stand facing thousands of soldiers armed with guns. And howitzers. And machine guns....man, you really screwed us over didn't you?"
"I didn't realise the nobility of the Samurai"
"Oh, that's ok then. Let's attack them with swords"
"Cool"

"Emperor, they all died. Except me. Here's Evil Samurai's sword, he loved you and wanted you to have this"
"Thanks Tom Cruise, you have shown me the error of my ways and helped me to understand my own people"
"Cool"
"Thank you, White Man, for highlighting the ignorance of us stupid Japanese. We truly could not have done this without your patronising help"
"No problems. L Ron Hubbarb thanks you"
Sat 14/08/04 at 19:30
Regular
"twothousandandtits"
Posts: 11,024
Keanu Reeves should have played the lead.
Thu 12/08/04 at 13:58
Regular
Posts: 21,800
It's not a remake of Blind Fury is it?

Nevermind, Kitano rules so I'll probably check it out at some point anyway.

I enjoyed Last Samurai as well. Sure it was historically inaccurate and it was all very pro American, but it was enjoayble and that's all that really mattered to me.
Thu 12/08/04 at 13:48
Regular
"Pouch Ape"
Posts: 14,499
Ah, I thought they were talking about this: [URL]http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0363226/[/URL]

So it's a remake of a Rutger Hauer remake of an older film.
Thu 12/08/04 at 11:06
Regular
"Lisan al-Gaib"
Posts: 7,093
monkey_man wrote:
> er-no wrote:
> Indeed, a rather over-rated film.
>
> Want a real samurai film. Try Zatoichi. It's bloody superb.
>
> IT'S A REMAKE OF A RUTGER HAUER FILM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(other way around, number 14 downward)

[URL]http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0594335/[/URL]

and [URL]http://www.chucksconnection.com/blindfury.html[/URL] about halfway down.
Thu 12/08/04 at 09:30
Regular
"Pouch Ape"
Posts: 14,499
er-no wrote:
> Indeed, a rather over-rated film.
>
> Want a real samurai film. Try Zatoichi. It's bloody superb.

IT'S A REMAKE OF A RUTGER HAUER FILM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thu 12/08/04 at 04:15
Regular
"everyone says it"
Posts: 14,738
Indeed, a rather over-rated film.

Want a real samurai film. Try Zatoichi. It's bloody superb.
Wed 11/08/04 at 23:29
Regular
Posts: 203
The movie was brilliant.. should had won a oscar for best film of the year.... same thing I would say about kill bill.
Tue 10/08/04 at 16:59
Regular
"A man with a stick"
Posts: 5,883
I liked the movie, though in hindsight I think I actually only really liked the action scenes. It was kind of like Braveheart, forget historical accuracy, just so long as the lead is an American, a Hero and kills lots of people, I figure the film studios thought they could milk off the American public who like to see their nation triumph in every country, in every single battle and in every conceivable time period.

It has however sparked an interest in the old, proper Japanese samurai movies, so Iíll investigating those when I have the time. At least they wont star Tom Cruise making an ass of himself while everyone swoons over him.
Tue 10/08/04 at 13:48
Regular
"Excommunicated"
Posts: 23,284
Yeah, he's kind of repeating himself now but some of his stories about his days at the shipyards in Glasgow are brilliant.

Anyway, Last Samurai, pretty pish.
Tue 10/08/04 at 13:47
Regular
"Pouch Ape"
Posts: 14,499
My Dad looks like Billy Connolly, mixed with Sean Connery, and his family is Scottish. And he's got an XR3, so he'd do doughnuts all over Glasgow or whatever.

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