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"Penknives can kiss my ass."

Like me, I’m sure most of you spend a lot of your time thinking about penknives. And, like me, I expect you all realise that as a general rule, they’re a bit crap. I mean, let’s look at the evidence (said Loyd Grossman, intruding on Nash’s post)

1) The Name.
“Penknife”. If there was ever a misnamed object it is the penknife. For a start, it doesn’t write. Secondly, it is simply not a knife. So, really it should be called a ‘not-pen knife-saw-scissors-can-opener-etc’. This, I think you’ll agree, is far more catchy.

2) The blades themselves.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but penknives are also known as Swiss Army knives. Why then, is it Switzerland has never been attacked?

GERMAN GENERAL: ATTACK! Death to the Schweinhund Swiss!
SWISS GENERAL: Hang on a minute, I’m just trying to get this penknife open. No, that’s the tin opener. Er, anyone want a cuckoo clock?

If all they have to defend themselves are with penknives, the only reason I can think of why no one has attacked Switzerland is because it is a useless country. Bloody cheese, cuckoo clocks and yodelling - useless.

So okay, let’s look at those blades in turn, weighing up the survival merits of each of them.

a) The sharp pointy knife-like ones. Okay, these are fairly useful in that you can threaten people with them and stab rabbits and then skin them and eat them, but why are there two? I mean, you can only stab one rabbit at a time.

b) The corkscrew. Oh, yes very useful. “Oh, I‘m lost in the wilderness with no food, a broken leg and a pack of wolves chasing me, but at least I can open this nice bottle of 1924 Beaujolais”

c) A fish gutter. And what exactly are you supposed to catch the fish with eh? The corkscrew?

d) A saw. Just in case any large trees get in your way, you can chop them down with this handy three inch long saw, providing you have lots of time to spare.

e) A tin opener. Many a brave hunter has spent hours stalking a dangerous tin of beans only to be thwarted by his lack of tin opening abilities. But! Penknives come equipped with a brilliantly-designed tin-opener which only removes huge great floppy bits of skin from your thumb 90%of the time.

f) A pair of scissors. This is presumably so that a hunter, lost in the wild, can cut out coupons from magazines to send off for free holiday information or expensive collector’s edition plates.

g) A toothpick. Because dental decay is SUCH a worry when you’re stranded in a forest with only two days’ food.

h) A pair of tweezers. Oh come on, be serious.

You're not a real goth, maaaan, you're just a poser, maaaan. Unlike bumboats maaaan, he's a reeaaallll goth maaaan, he kills people maaan and takes Prozac.
Maaaan.

Posers, man.

Ahahahahaha.

So true Nash, So true.

SHEEPY wrote:

>
> Let's invade Switzerland, I'm in charge. Nash is my right hand man
> and since Ashley is the only other one up he can be the foot
> solider.
>
> Now Ashley go invade Switzerland, here's a hammer.

I failed you master. They were to strong! They had Cheese with holes in it! how am i supposed to fight against such strength?

They're crap.

hurrah

I had one of those, with the screw-on comparr at the base of the handle?

My compass fell off, thus losing everything inside :(

You can get ones with USB drives in them now.

Very pointless now.
I used to have a survival knife that I got on holiday one year, had the compass, matches, fishing line etc in the handle. A bit like Rambo. That could smash crummy penknives.

Swiss army knives are great, i especially like the screwdriver bit on mine, very useful.

Hehhe. The thing with Switzerland, though, is that because it's such a small country it doesn't have an Army. Instead, every male in the population is trained from a young age to be a soldier, so in the event of invasion it will only take a couple of hours for them to regroup.

Scary.

*waves hand*

That be me.