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I've been working on this idea for a coupe of weeks now, and, finally, I get an excuse to use it.
The end poduct didn't end up like I thought it might have, and it is, in fact, quite weak in parts.
The link maybe a bit too weak for those of you without specific knowledge, but, oh well, we'll see.
The last line, also, reminds me of Forest Fans atrocious finalé. I may edit it, if I can better it but, seeing as it isn't often when I read over my work, that is unlikely.
Anyway, please enjoy and feedback is appreciated.
Matt
________________
I watched you, tears in eyes, on that fateful day in early May, sobbing into your friends shoulders. I knew it was over, we all did. Pain streaming down my face, head in arms, I sat and thought about you. It was time to grow, change and go our separate ways. It's hard, but, if I concentrate hard enough, I can still remember you from when you were younger, when we were younger. Before this all happened. Before we were forced apart. I long for those days, now. Back then, we had no fears. We could take on anybody, any time with no worries whatsoever. Every weekend brought new possibilities, brought us closer together.
We were in love. Everyone wanted you. Half of the others would've killed to have you. But you were mine, clear for everyone to see, to the envy of everyone else. True, you had and still have your enemies, people who'll just never appreciate who you are, but, in essence, that's the beauty of you. You had such a mouth on you. Able to exploit any weakness, grate even the most hardened of them, you were never going to be welcomed everywhere you went. I heard the jeering, I cringed as they hurled abuse at you. Whenever you were home, where you belong, you were praised. A shining example of such pure, ruthless passion amongst the worthless, lazy apathetic attitudes of your peers, the kind of attitude that has swept the towns and cities of this land, which is why you were so unique. Strange, then, how you've turned out to be just like everyone else then, isn't it?
It was always bound to happen, though. Money makes the world go around, Money talks. It's only for so long that you can run off pure passion before you start to think of greener pastures, look for the easier route. Sure, there were hard times, but, where love is involved, it's for richer for poorer, through thick and through thin.Maybe you missed that part of the contract when you signed up, aye?
I was okay with you leaving. We've been going backwards for years, now. You needed to better yourself, enhance who you are. I could look over the unbearable pain and even admit, begrudgingly, that you were quite right to leave. If it was best for you and in my best interests, I accepted it was time to let you go. We had a goodbye party for you on a lukewarm summers day. You blessed us with your presence, showed flashes of why I, why everyone loved you and left us a present to remember you by. It was magical. We stayed late, sang your praises, said our last goodbyes. You were leaving home and we all knew it. Swamped with plaudits, with praise, you cried tears, honest tears of what could have been. Tears of hope, for me, at least. 'Maybe', I thought, 'We'll see each other again, someday soon. Maybe this is just see you soon?'. A few days, maybe weeks later I see you, snapshots of you flirting with the enemy. Everyone said you two were destined to be together. Rumours, dirty rumours I told myself.
Denial is a funny thing. Even now, sometimes, I just can't believe what's happened. We're apart, broken by money. All those times you said you were in love, now count for nothing. Actions speak louder than words, and your actions scream 'I LIED TO YOU'. Whilst you stand, smiling for those who we once mocked, those who we once plotted the downfall of, those who we were so close to conquering. They parade you like some kind of animal and you seem to love it. You feed them propaganda, the kind of things I used to lap up years ago, with glee and thought you were telling the truth. The fact is, you're nothing but a leech that sucked me, sucked us dry and left us out to die, alone in the cold, harsh light of day. It's over, now, but I'm scarred, painful from how it broke up, and what became of us. I beg for money whilst you go for honours. Love isn't supposed to be this way.
On the streets, there's a price on your head. People remember how you treated it, how you left at the first sign of trouble and they wait for your return with weapons, projectiles and song. Smile, Alan: you'll regret your actions the next time we cross paths.
The end poduct didn't end up like I thought it might have, and it is, in fact, quite weak in parts.
The link maybe a bit too weak for those of you without specific knowledge, but, oh well, we'll see.
The last line, also, reminds me of Forest Fans atrocious finalé. I may edit it, if I can better it but, seeing as it isn't often when I read over my work, that is unlikely.
Anyway, please enjoy and feedback is appreciated.
Matt
________________
I watched you, tears in eyes, on that fateful day in early May, sobbing into your friends shoulders. I knew it was over, we all did. Pain streaming down my face, head in arms, I sat and thought about you. It was time to grow, change and go our separate ways. It's hard, but, if I concentrate hard enough, I can still remember you from when you were younger, when we were younger. Before this all happened. Before we were forced apart. I long for those days, now. Back then, we had no fears. We could take on anybody, any time with no worries whatsoever. Every weekend brought new possibilities, brought us closer together.
We were in love. Everyone wanted you. Half of the others would've killed to have you. But you were mine, clear for everyone to see, to the envy of everyone else. True, you had and still have your enemies, people who'll just never appreciate who you are, but, in essence, that's the beauty of you. You had such a mouth on you. Able to exploit any weakness, grate even the most hardened of them, you were never going to be welcomed everywhere you went. I heard the jeering, I cringed as they hurled abuse at you. Whenever you were home, where you belong, you were praised. A shining example of such pure, ruthless passion amongst the worthless, lazy apathetic attitudes of your peers, the kind of attitude that has swept the towns and cities of this land, which is why you were so unique. Strange, then, how you've turned out to be just like everyone else then, isn't it?
It was always bound to happen, though. Money makes the world go around, Money talks. It's only for so long that you can run off pure passion before you start to think of greener pastures, look for the easier route. Sure, there were hard times, but, where love is involved, it's for richer for poorer, through thick and through thin.Maybe you missed that part of the contract when you signed up, aye?
I was okay with you leaving. We've been going backwards for years, now. You needed to better yourself, enhance who you are. I could look over the unbearable pain and even admit, begrudgingly, that you were quite right to leave. If it was best for you and in my best interests, I accepted it was time to let you go. We had a goodbye party for you on a lukewarm summers day. You blessed us with your presence, showed flashes of why I, why everyone loved you and left us a present to remember you by. It was magical. We stayed late, sang your praises, said our last goodbyes. You were leaving home and we all knew it. Swamped with plaudits, with praise, you cried tears, honest tears of what could have been. Tears of hope, for me, at least. 'Maybe', I thought, 'We'll see each other again, someday soon. Maybe this is just see you soon?'. A few days, maybe weeks later I see you, snapshots of you flirting with the enemy. Everyone said you two were destined to be together. Rumours, dirty rumours I told myself.
Denial is a funny thing. Even now, sometimes, I just can't believe what's happened. We're apart, broken by money. All those times you said you were in love, now count for nothing. Actions speak louder than words, and your actions scream 'I LIED TO YOU'. Whilst you stand, smiling for those who we once mocked, those who we once plotted the downfall of, those who we were so close to conquering. They parade you like some kind of animal and you seem to love it. You feed them propaganda, the kind of things I used to lap up years ago, with glee and thought you were telling the truth. The fact is, you're nothing but a leech that sucked me, sucked us dry and left us out to die, alone in the cold, harsh light of day. It's over, now, but I'm scarred, painful from how it broke up, and what became of us. I beg for money whilst you go for honours. Love isn't supposed to be this way.
On the streets, there's a price on your head. People remember how you treated it, how you left at the first sign of trouble and they wait for your return with weapons, projectiles and song. Smile, Alan: you'll regret your actions the next time we cross paths.
Page:
Paradox: wrote:
> You were leaving home and we all knew it.
>
> Not at all needed. You said in the last story I wrote about
> "subtlty not being my forté" - I guess it isn't
> yours ether. Its plain that she is leaving, you dont need to offend
> the reader by assuming they wont understand it.
Aha, you see, Paradox, you are wrong. My plan has succeeded, quite spectacularly. It doesn't make sense to anyone who doesn't follow football or, particularly, Leeds. The story is about Alan Smith, and him leaving Leeds United. Leeds was his home, and he was leaving it. But yeah, I understand your point.
And the rest of the points I recognise - I know that I I scared of full stops and stuff, which isn't nice. Thanks, Para.
> You were leaving home and we all knew it.
>
> Not at all needed. You said in the last story I wrote about
> "subtlty not being my forté" - I guess it isn't
> yours ether. Its plain that she is leaving, you dont need to offend
> the reader by assuming they wont understand it.
Aha, you see, Paradox, you are wrong. My plan has succeeded, quite spectacularly. It doesn't make sense to anyone who doesn't follow football or, particularly, Leeds. The story is about Alan Smith, and him leaving Leeds United. Leeds was his home, and he was leaving it. But yeah, I understand your point.
And the rest of the points I recognise - I know that I I scared of full stops and stuff, which isn't nice. Thanks, Para.
This might seem overly-critical but theres just some things about the story that stopped it flowing, which is a shame because it was so emotive and a very basic but effective idea. I'll also pick up on the good aspects because its hard to know exactly whats good and bad.
The good
Rhyming - I liked it a lot, even if it was unintentional
> on that fateful day in early May
> sucked us dry and left us out to die
Imagery
> Pain streaming down my face
- Some of the best imagery I've seen - The best phrase in the story.
> Swamped with plaudits, with praise, you cried tears,
> honest tears of what could have been. Tears of hope, for me, at
> least.
Again, very good way of describing crying. I likes.
> snapshots of you flirting with the enemy.
I just love the word flirt and flirting. yaas!
Disjointed Style
- Basically it was written in snapshots, like how you'd think back about it. Not in sentences necessarily, just in short sharp busts. I liked that a lot.
The bad
I felt that you stretched the sentences for all they we worth. Dont be scared to use lots of short sentences, It's much better than going crazy with commas. For example:
> It's hard,
> but,
> if I concentrate hard enough,
> I can remember you when you was younger,
> when we were younger.
It could be written as "It's hard, but if I concentrate hard enough I can remember when you were (not was) younger. When we were younger." I think that it reads much better like that. If the intent is to have it with pauses inbetween, use full stops. The commas sugest breaks in the grammar to give structure, not pauses to think.
> Maybe you missed that part of the contract when you signed up,
> aye?
Don't say "aye", its regional dialect. Say "eh?" or "hm?" - its much more universal.
> You were leaving home and we all knew it.
Not at all needed. You said in the last story I wrote about "subtlty not being my forté" - I guess it isn't yours ether. Its plain that she is leaving, you dont need to offend the reader by assuming they wont understand it.
> 'Maybe', I thought, 'We'll see each other again, someday soon.
> Maybe this is just see you soon?'.
Replace one of the "soon"s - try "shortly" or use a thesaurus.
The Ugly
The fact my commentary may offend you. I hope it doesnt, just some advice from one writer to another - my literary buddy.
Keep it up.
The good
Rhyming - I liked it a lot, even if it was unintentional
> on that fateful day in early May
> sucked us dry and left us out to die
Imagery
> Pain streaming down my face
- Some of the best imagery I've seen - The best phrase in the story.
> Swamped with plaudits, with praise, you cried tears,
> honest tears of what could have been. Tears of hope, for me, at
> least.
Again, very good way of describing crying. I likes.
> snapshots of you flirting with the enemy.
I just love the word flirt and flirting. yaas!
Disjointed Style
- Basically it was written in snapshots, like how you'd think back about it. Not in sentences necessarily, just in short sharp busts. I liked that a lot.
The bad
I felt that you stretched the sentences for all they we worth. Dont be scared to use lots of short sentences, It's much better than going crazy with commas. For example:
> It's hard,
> but,
> if I concentrate hard enough,
> I can remember you when you was younger,
> when we were younger.
It could be written as "It's hard, but if I concentrate hard enough I can remember when you were (not was) younger. When we were younger." I think that it reads much better like that. If the intent is to have it with pauses inbetween, use full stops. The commas sugest breaks in the grammar to give structure, not pauses to think.
> Maybe you missed that part of the contract when you signed up,
> aye?
Don't say "aye", its regional dialect. Say "eh?" or "hm?" - its much more universal.
> You were leaving home and we all knew it.
Not at all needed. You said in the last story I wrote about "subtlty not being my forté" - I guess it isn't yours ether. Its plain that she is leaving, you dont need to offend the reader by assuming they wont understand it.
> 'Maybe', I thought, 'We'll see each other again, someday soon.
> Maybe this is just see you soon?'.
Replace one of the "soon"s - try "shortly" or use a thesaurus.
The Ugly
The fact my commentary may offend you. I hope it doesnt, just some advice from one writer to another - my literary buddy.
Keep it up.
Danke, has been slightly edited.
First paragraph.
Rickoss wrote:
> "I can remember you when you was younger"
What line was that, might I ask?
Paragraph and stuff, so I can check it.
> "I can remember you when you was younger"
What line was that, might I ask?
Paragraph and stuff, so I can check it.
I'm speaking too soon, really, but all I'm trying to say is that it was utterly fantastic. I can't fault it in any way, shape, or form aside from the rare gammar mistake that is easily tweaked.
It flowed, it was an idea that, I for one, could relate to on other levels, and it was powerfully sculpted.
Wonderful, really wonderful. It'll be in the running I'm certain.
It flowed, it was an idea that, I for one, could relate to on other levels, and it was powerfully sculpted.
Wonderful, really wonderful. It'll be in the running I'm certain.
Lovely, felt like real emotion was poured into that story, although perhaps not on the same level as your Dust & Flame entry.
"I can remember you when you was younger"
May want to edit that though.
Nice start to the competition.
"I can remember you when you was younger"
May want to edit that though.
Nice start to the competition.
Ashman wrote:
> Winner.
Indeed, that was wonderful mate, reminds me of you and a certain person you're also whining about ;)
> Winner.
Indeed, that was wonderful mate, reminds me of you and a certain person you're also whining about ;)
Winner.
Nice...
Not sure if I should enter now, too good for me :D.
Not sure if I should enter now, too good for me :D.
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