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When the Dead Walked the Earth – A History Lesson.
How did it all begin, you ask? Well, I guess you’re used to living with them all now, but once upon a time we were very surprised to find the living dead on our doorstep. It wasn’t quite what I expected, I can tell you that much. When the dead really did rise from their graves people obviously feared for their lives. Well, you would, wouldn’t you? After seeing all those Romero films and budget B-movies anyone would run a mile from some long dead fellow who’d just appeared from 6-foot under. Now they just seem like comedy films that we can laugh at with our deceased neighbours.
Well, after the fuss died down and the army realised that there was no need for their Apache Gunships, we learnt to live with those that went before and it turned out quite nice. People soon get used to change, even on this scale.
I say that, but actually some of them were a bit of a pain. Everyone was a bit worried when Hitler came back, but after his trial we found that death had given him a change of heart and he apologised to the Jews before going to Sweden to become a porn star and became good friends with Ron Jeremy.
It was the pope that proved to be the biggest pain. Now, because he was so religious, this everyman rising from the dead thing was all too anti-Christian for his liking and the undead were considered unclean. Some churches bowed to the pressure from the Pope, while others welcomed their new congregation. So while the risen Hitler came to terms with different people, the Church went the opposite way. You should have seen the worried faces when the Pope finally suffered that fatal heart attack. Much to the annoyance of the Vatican it only took 2 days before he came back and joined the ranks of the undead. Well, they changed those rules pretty sharpish, I can tell you!
So now we had only one problem, the planet was getting crowded and we had a few famine problems. Contrary to popular belief at the time, the dead did not eat brains, although they were strangely quite partial to ham sandwiches. They did eat, though, and this meant that there were more mouths to feed. Not everyone was coming back, there were enough less-than-deads out there to put some serious pressure on the government and third world countries were especially hard hit. People were saying that we’d be next if we didn’t do something and everyone looked to everyone else for the answer.
Trust Bob Geldof to come to the rescue. He managed to talk Freddy Mercury to reform Queen (I always thought his voice was never as good as when he was alive) and Elvis was flown in specially from his Las Vegas Memphis morturay, which put pay to all those ‘Elvis is alive’ conspiracy theories (and later, the ‘Elvis is undead’ ones). With so many classic bands on the bill, Undead-Aid was a bigger hit than Live-Aid could ever have been and the government finally took notice, even running special Tomb-line underground services to ease the transport burden.
There were complaints from some about who got to rise from their graves though, not that we could do anything about it. The polititians explained that some people were better as a memory and the majority of people agreed with this, but there were those minority groups which dug some poor star up from their grave and waited around, chanting some mumbo-jumbo they’d picked up from a dodgy occult book. I really felt sorry for Keith Chegwin, standing there in a field with his jaw hanging off while naked men and women danced around him. However, my sadness was tinged by the feeling that it might have been what he would have wanted.
The dead themselves were never in danger of becoming a minority group. There was a special Dead Big Brother series (which was just as terrible as the live ones), the dead took well to becoming stuntmen, party performers and even stars in their own rights.
So, that’s how the dead walked the Earth. It must be strange for some of you youngsters, a world where the dead were just laying in graves and where one half of The Beatles didn’t even exist any more, but it’s all true, you can ask my mate William Shakespeare.
How did it all begin, you ask? Well, I guess you’re used to living with them all now, but once upon a time we were very surprised to find the living dead on our doorstep. It wasn’t quite what I expected, I can tell you that much. When the dead really did rise from their graves people obviously feared for their lives. Well, you would, wouldn’t you? After seeing all those Romero films and budget B-movies anyone would run a mile from some long dead fellow who’d just appeared from 6-foot under. Now they just seem like comedy films that we can laugh at with our deceased neighbours.
Well, after the fuss died down and the army realised that there was no need for their Apache Gunships, we learnt to live with those that went before and it turned out quite nice. People soon get used to change, even on this scale.
I say that, but actually some of them were a bit of a pain. Everyone was a bit worried when Hitler came back, but after his trial we found that death had given him a change of heart and he apologised to the Jews before going to Sweden to become a porn star and became good friends with Ron Jeremy.
It was the pope that proved to be the biggest pain. Now, because he was so religious, this everyman rising from the dead thing was all too anti-Christian for his liking and the undead were considered unclean. Some churches bowed to the pressure from the Pope, while others welcomed their new congregation. So while the risen Hitler came to terms with different people, the Church went the opposite way. You should have seen the worried faces when the Pope finally suffered that fatal heart attack. Much to the annoyance of the Vatican it only took 2 days before he came back and joined the ranks of the undead. Well, they changed those rules pretty sharpish, I can tell you!
So now we had only one problem, the planet was getting crowded and we had a few famine problems. Contrary to popular belief at the time, the dead did not eat brains, although they were strangely quite partial to ham sandwiches. They did eat, though, and this meant that there were more mouths to feed. Not everyone was coming back, there were enough less-than-deads out there to put some serious pressure on the government and third world countries were especially hard hit. People were saying that we’d be next if we didn’t do something and everyone looked to everyone else for the answer.
Trust Bob Geldof to come to the rescue. He managed to talk Freddy Mercury to reform Queen (I always thought his voice was never as good as when he was alive) and Elvis was flown in specially from his Las Vegas Memphis morturay, which put pay to all those ‘Elvis is alive’ conspiracy theories (and later, the ‘Elvis is undead’ ones). With so many classic bands on the bill, Undead-Aid was a bigger hit than Live-Aid could ever have been and the government finally took notice, even running special Tomb-line underground services to ease the transport burden.
There were complaints from some about who got to rise from their graves though, not that we could do anything about it. The polititians explained that some people were better as a memory and the majority of people agreed with this, but there were those minority groups which dug some poor star up from their grave and waited around, chanting some mumbo-jumbo they’d picked up from a dodgy occult book. I really felt sorry for Keith Chegwin, standing there in a field with his jaw hanging off while naked men and women danced around him. However, my sadness was tinged by the feeling that it might have been what he would have wanted.
The dead themselves were never in danger of becoming a minority group. There was a special Dead Big Brother series (which was just as terrible as the live ones), the dead took well to becoming stuntmen, party performers and even stars in their own rights.
So, that’s how the dead walked the Earth. It must be strange for some of you youngsters, a world where the dead were just laying in graves and where one half of The Beatles didn’t even exist any more, but it’s all true, you can ask my mate William Shakespeare.
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Ashman wrote:
> You didn't even read that...did you?
Remember this is Crackhead you're talking to....
He is a spam bot.
> You didn't even read that...did you?
Remember this is Crackhead you're talking to....
He is a spam bot.
The Pope bit was fantastic.
"The Dead are unclean"
and then dies and joins their ranks! :-D
"The Dead are unclean"
and then dies and joins their ranks! :-D
You didn't even read that...did you?
The past is pass, who cares about history think of the future
That was good fun :-)
Although the Pope paragraph was a little confusing.
Although the Pope paragraph was a little confusing.
Heh, that was brilliant, I loved it.
Who would have ever thunk it? A zombie comedy. The Hitler and Elvis bits were the funniest, but the whole post in general just oozed amusement.
Nice one.
Who would have ever thunk it? A zombie comedy. The Hitler and Elvis bits were the funniest, but the whole post in general just oozed amusement.
Nice one.
The impression I got from films like Dawn of the Dead was that their flesh had started to decay, and so they had to eat other people's to replenish it.
Cyclone wrote:
> Question; (not being an expert on zombie films) Why do zombies always
> eat people? I mean, I realise they're a creation based on some
> voodoo-ish zombie styleé stuff, but why eating people?
Cos that's what the zombies in Romero's Zombie trilogy do. As to why they do it...well, there is a theory that the zombies in his films represent what he fears society becoming; a bunch of automatons who do nothing but consume mindlessly.
> Question; (not being an expert on zombie films) Why do zombies always
> eat people? I mean, I realise they're a creation based on some
> voodoo-ish zombie styleé stuff, but why eating people?
Cos that's what the zombies in Romero's Zombie trilogy do. As to why they do it...well, there is a theory that the zombies in his films represent what he fears society becoming; a bunch of automatons who do nothing but consume mindlessly.
zombies are fun and fictional
Question; (not being an expert on zombie films) Why do zombies always eat people? I mean, I realise they're a creation based on some voodoo-ish zombie styleé stuff, but why eating people?
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