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Here they come. Eight of them, all six foot. None of them make a sound, just a gentle creak as their feet edge up and away from the cold floor. I squint past the door in vain, hopeful of catching a glimpse of them. I’ve been here before. Twice now they’ve done this, but my heart has never chimed so hard. Never hurt so much. Never sunk so low. They close in. Their figure is visible now. An undefined black object appears to be approaching the door. I count them again. Nine of them, all over six foot. Hints of red enter the picture. These are their tags and this is their name; ‘The Sublime’.
How they found me, I don’t know. Why they still want me, I don’t know. How will it end, I think I know, as the chase heightens. I close the door in haste. I bite my lips, clasp my hands and tense every muscle in my body. I’ve never been this scared. I hear a knock. It sounds surprisingly feeble at first, but then the assault on my door gets louder and my breathing quickens. I peer through the spy hole, willing to delay the inevitable opening of the door and confrontation. Every second gained is a moment more to contemplate my fate and say my prayers. I let out one final gulp of air and firmly release the door. Ten figures in black stare me down, all huge. One of the figures pulls me by the arm; the others just stand and stare. I let out a whimper and then the figure stops. I eye the figures in a rationalizing type of manner. All I see are the same emotionless hard figures. I open the dialogue in the naïve optimism that I can cool the heat of the moment. I face the largest figure, with a face not dissimilar to that of a bear. My mouth quavers with fear, as I attempt to spill out every syllable from my near uncontrollable and chattering teeth.
“How did you find me”, is my first question. I lock eyes with the largest figure, he’s not about crack and neither am I. After an awkward wait, I begin to doubt that I will hear any response. Only a slight smile is the largest figures’ retort. A little shuffling of the feet is his next move, he retracts slightly and I feel I have made some ground on him. Then it gets serious and the talking begins. It’s almost as though he’s denied my question ever existed as he begins his first enquiry. He beckons my presence. I decline. He objects and soon the situation turns nasty. Suddenly, ‘The Sublime’ surround me, as far as they are concerned they own me. That’s what they think, I don’t object. I let out another small whimper; that’s the last I remember. I open my eyes, I look at the clock, six. I slowly roll my eyes towards the doorway, to my relief I see no figures, just a black jacket with a red tag. It reads ‘The Sublime’. I hear a voice. I turn. There’s a figure behind me, the figure that appears like a bear. I hear a whisper; I’m told they’ll be back. I don’t doubt them, I’ve been here before. They didn’t use to be like this; the only question wringing through my ears, are what they will be like next time as my eyes fix on the single, massive black figure disappearing into the horizon and beyond.
How they found me, I don’t know. Why they still want me, I don’t know. How will it end, I think I know, as the chase heightens. I close the door in haste. I bite my lips, clasp my hands and tense every muscle in my body. I’ve never been this scared. I hear a knock. It sounds surprisingly feeble at first, but then the assault on my door gets louder and my breathing quickens. I peer through the spy hole, willing to delay the inevitable opening of the door and confrontation. Every second gained is a moment more to contemplate my fate and say my prayers. I let out one final gulp of air and firmly release the door. Ten figures in black stare me down, all huge. One of the figures pulls me by the arm; the others just stand and stare. I let out a whimper and then the figure stops. I eye the figures in a rationalizing type of manner. All I see are the same emotionless hard figures. I open the dialogue in the naïve optimism that I can cool the heat of the moment. I face the largest figure, with a face not dissimilar to that of a bear. My mouth quavers with fear, as I attempt to spill out every syllable from my near uncontrollable and chattering teeth.
“How did you find me”, is my first question. I lock eyes with the largest figure, he’s not about crack and neither am I. After an awkward wait, I begin to doubt that I will hear any response. Only a slight smile is the largest figures’ retort. A little shuffling of the feet is his next move, he retracts slightly and I feel I have made some ground on him. Then it gets serious and the talking begins. It’s almost as though he’s denied my question ever existed as he begins his first enquiry. He beckons my presence. I decline. He objects and soon the situation turns nasty. Suddenly, ‘The Sublime’ surround me, as far as they are concerned they own me. That’s what they think, I don’t object. I let out another small whimper; that’s the last I remember. I open my eyes, I look at the clock, six. I slowly roll my eyes towards the doorway, to my relief I see no figures, just a black jacket with a red tag. It reads ‘The Sublime’. I hear a voice. I turn. There’s a figure behind me, the figure that appears like a bear. I hear a whisper; I’m told they’ll be back. I don’t doubt them, I’ve been here before. They didn’t use to be like this; the only question wringing through my ears, are what they will be like next time as my eyes fix on the single, massive black figure disappearing into the horizon and beyond.
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Very Good FF, a well constructed piece, and a very nice opening attmept from you. Not bad at all and well done.
Not bad at all - you gave it a good shot.
However, I didn't feel you convincingly constructed a setting, and the layout of the story didn't fit in with the sharp syntax - making it somewhat confusing in places. Your choice of wording was a little off in a few places, and nothing much really happened - you spent far too much time going over what you were feeling, etc, and the rest seemed a little rushed. The last line was laughable.
Nevertheless, I did find it quite entertaining, so good job.
However, I didn't feel you convincingly constructed a setting, and the layout of the story didn't fit in with the sharp syntax - making it somewhat confusing in places. Your choice of wording was a little off in a few places, and nothing much really happened - you spent far too much time going over what you were feeling, etc, and the rest seemed a little rushed. The last line was laughable.
Nevertheless, I did find it quite entertaining, so good job.
I expected less from you, FF.
Pleasantly surprised, I am.
Although it did seem a dissapointing anti-climax - nothing really happened. I'm always up for a rip-and-tear, mauling, swept up into nowhere, soul stolen, mind shattered.
And the last line ruined the atmosphere.
Otherwise, solid writing, nice picture built, good style.
Write more.
Pleasantly surprised, I am.
Although it did seem a dissapointing anti-climax - nothing really happened. I'm always up for a rip-and-tear, mauling, swept up into nowhere, soul stolen, mind shattered.
And the last line ruined the atmosphere.
Otherwise, solid writing, nice picture built, good style.
Write more.
Brilliant sense of setting, FF, and marvelous description of feelings, sounds etc. All that it lacked, for me, was a villian worthy of the fear, and a punishment worthy of all the build up. In my opinion, the villian type person could've been a lot more sinister, and 'The Sublime' a lot more imposing. If you'd have done that, I reckon you'd have been onto a surefire winner.
Overall, a good read and a great story. I look forward to your future entries.
Overall, a good read and a great story. I look forward to your future entries.
Most impressive Forest, most impressive indeed.
For your first attempt the overall atmosphere of the story was well structured, and played host to a great realm of sharp sentences, that really did keep with the overall style of the piece.
These sharp sentences whilst good, were used a little too often for my liking, generally as I like my writing to flow, but alas they were good. Try reading other peoples stories from past competitions to improve linking sentences and describing more clearly and emotively. Oh, and the last sentence was probably better left out.
But yeah, that was all I could find wrong with it, and I generally enjoyed reading the piece a lot, you should contribute more. Nice one.
For your first attempt the overall atmosphere of the story was well structured, and played host to a great realm of sharp sentences, that really did keep with the overall style of the piece.
These sharp sentences whilst good, were used a little too often for my liking, generally as I like my writing to flow, but alas they were good. Try reading other peoples stories from past competitions to improve linking sentences and describing more clearly and emotively. Oh, and the last sentence was probably better left out.
But yeah, that was all I could find wrong with it, and I generally enjoyed reading the piece a lot, you should contribute more. Nice one.
The Nazgul? DAMN YOU, there are 8. Gay.
sorry, serious SSC7 comments later
sorry, serious SSC7 comments later
Here they come. Eight of them, all six foot. None of them make a sound, just a gentle creak as their feet edge up and away from the cold floor. I squint past the door in vain, hopeful of catching a glimpse of them. I’ve been here before. Twice now they’ve done this, but my heart has never chimed so hard. Never hurt so much. Never sunk so low. They close in. Their figure is visible now. An undefined black object appears to be approaching the door. I count them again. Nine of them, all over six foot. Hints of red enter the picture. These are their tags and this is their name; ‘The Sublime’.
How they found me, I don’t know. Why they still want me, I don’t know. How will it end, I think I know, as the chase heightens. I close the door in haste. I bite my lips, clasp my hands and tense every muscle in my body. I’ve never been this scared. I hear a knock. It sounds surprisingly feeble at first, but then the assault on my door gets louder and my breathing quickens. I peer through the spy hole, willing to delay the inevitable opening of the door and confrontation. Every second gained is a moment more to contemplate my fate and say my prayers. I let out one final gulp of air and firmly release the door. Ten figures in black stare me down, all huge. One of the figures pulls me by the arm; the others just stand and stare. I let out a whimper and then the figure stops. I eye the figures in a rationalizing type of manner. All I see are the same emotionless hard figures. I open the dialogue in the naïve optimism that I can cool the heat of the moment. I face the largest figure, with a face not dissimilar to that of a bear. My mouth quavers with fear, as I attempt to spill out every syllable from my near uncontrollable and chattering teeth.
“How did you find me”, is my first question. I lock eyes with the largest figure, he’s not about crack and neither am I. After an awkward wait, I begin to doubt that I will hear any response. Only a slight smile is the largest figures’ retort. A little shuffling of the feet is his next move, he retracts slightly and I feel I have made some ground on him. Then it gets serious and the talking begins. It’s almost as though he’s denied my question ever existed as he begins his first enquiry. He beckons my presence. I decline. He objects and soon the situation turns nasty. Suddenly, ‘The Sublime’ surround me, as far as they are concerned they own me. That’s what they think, I don’t object. I let out another small whimper; that’s the last I remember. I open my eyes, I look at the clock, six. I slowly roll my eyes towards the doorway, to my relief I see no figures, just a black jacket with a red tag. It reads ‘The Sublime’. I hear a voice. I turn. There’s a figure behind me, the figure that appears like a bear. I hear a whisper; I’m told they’ll be back. I don’t doubt them, I’ve been here before. They didn’t use to be like this; the only question wringing through my ears, are what they will be like next time as my eyes fix on the single, massive black figure disappearing into the horizon and beyond.
How they found me, I don’t know. Why they still want me, I don’t know. How will it end, I think I know, as the chase heightens. I close the door in haste. I bite my lips, clasp my hands and tense every muscle in my body. I’ve never been this scared. I hear a knock. It sounds surprisingly feeble at first, but then the assault on my door gets louder and my breathing quickens. I peer through the spy hole, willing to delay the inevitable opening of the door and confrontation. Every second gained is a moment more to contemplate my fate and say my prayers. I let out one final gulp of air and firmly release the door. Ten figures in black stare me down, all huge. One of the figures pulls me by the arm; the others just stand and stare. I let out a whimper and then the figure stops. I eye the figures in a rationalizing type of manner. All I see are the same emotionless hard figures. I open the dialogue in the naïve optimism that I can cool the heat of the moment. I face the largest figure, with a face not dissimilar to that of a bear. My mouth quavers with fear, as I attempt to spill out every syllable from my near uncontrollable and chattering teeth.
“How did you find me”, is my first question. I lock eyes with the largest figure, he’s not about crack and neither am I. After an awkward wait, I begin to doubt that I will hear any response. Only a slight smile is the largest figures’ retort. A little shuffling of the feet is his next move, he retracts slightly and I feel I have made some ground on him. Then it gets serious and the talking begins. It’s almost as though he’s denied my question ever existed as he begins his first enquiry. He beckons my presence. I decline. He objects and soon the situation turns nasty. Suddenly, ‘The Sublime’ surround me, as far as they are concerned they own me. That’s what they think, I don’t object. I let out another small whimper; that’s the last I remember. I open my eyes, I look at the clock, six. I slowly roll my eyes towards the doorway, to my relief I see no figures, just a black jacket with a red tag. It reads ‘The Sublime’. I hear a voice. I turn. There’s a figure behind me, the figure that appears like a bear. I hear a whisper; I’m told they’ll be back. I don’t doubt them, I’ve been here before. They didn’t use to be like this; the only question wringing through my ears, are what they will be like next time as my eyes fix on the single, massive black figure disappearing into the horizon and beyond.
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