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"Hohum"

I'm scared. Really scared. I'm scared of growing up, of having to start taking responsibility for myself, of having to start taking things seriously, of having to have a future.

I've just finished Yr 10, Yr 11 and GCSE's loom, and it's not that I'm worried about them, it's the whole deal of starting to grow up. Within about 6 months I'm really gonna have to start thinking about what I want to do with my life. At the moment I have absolutely no idea, no inkling whatsoever of what I want to do with my life. I have no direction whatsoever. I know what I'm good at but that doesn't necessarily mean I want to do it in the future, I don't want to build a life around something that I only have lukewarm feelings towards.

I'd love to be a professional musician, but, come on, let's be realistic here, that's not gonna happen. I don't have the dedication or indeed the talent to do that. It's not pessimism, it's not negativity, it's cold hard fact. So what do I want to do? Like I've said. I. DON'T. KNOW! And it frustrates me. I know, "I'm young and shouldn't be thinking like this", but that's not the point. I am thinking like this. And it scares me.

I feel so lonely too. It's not that I'm a recluse or a weirdo. It's not that I don't have friends or don't fit in, it's just that I'm so shy and self-concious that I feel out of place in most social situations. I'm so intensely guarded about myself, it leads me to bottle things up, get really frustrated and down (like now) and so recede further into my shell. I can't let anyone in, I can't seem to let anyone get close to me and I don't know why. The only reason I can type this now is because typing words on a screen dehumanizes it. I can pretend I've never written this if I want to. I can't do that if I speak these things to someone, yet I so dearly want to.

And the most frustrating thing of all is, I was just starting to break down the 15-year-thick wall that I've built around myself. I was just starting to open up that little bit more, to start to relax socially and to stop thinking about how what I'm doing appears to others all the time. Just starting to change really, when the f###ing school year ended. Odd really that I should wish for the school year to carry on longer than necessary, but I really felt the change a-comin'. And now what? I've got 8 weeks of doing sod all at home. I'm not the type to go and hang around on street corners drinking cider at night, so that rules that out, I get bored aimlessly wandering around town and I simply can't be arrsed to go to the cinema. I'm a very lazy person. So over these 8 weeks I'll simply build the wall back up again and return to shcool back where I started. And that really hisses me off.

Generally I think this is a "what am I doing with my life, I'm sucha flawed person" kinda post, which it's not meant to be. I just needed to get all that off my chest. I'm sure when life throws challenges at me in a couple of years time I'll deal with them, I'll end up doing something. But I can just tell it'll be a shatty office job and I'll be left grinding away the rest of my life in a 9-5 hating myself for what I've become and for not becoming what I could've been.

Rar. I'll probably delete this...

Start college in september still haven't a clue what i want to do...

Maybe a Fifa Sports Agent and get loads of money offa the signings of player

Bah, I've finished A2s, that's when total freedom and consqeuntly saddening isolation begin.

RastaBillySkank wrote:
> Within about 6 months I'm really gonna have to start thinking
> about what I want to do with my life. At the moment I have absolutely
> no idea, no inkling whatsoever of what I want to do with my life. I
> have no direction whatsoever. I know what I'm good at but that
> doesn't necessarily mean I want to do it in the future, I don't want
> to build a life around something that I only have lukewarm feelings
> towards.

Yeah, I know that feeling.
For my a-levels I picked the subjects I was best at.
For my degree I applied for 2 courses at 3 unis each - one that seemed a bit interesting, and one I was kind of pushed into. I got a scholarship for the one I was pushed into, and sold myself into that one.
I've just had a gap year, and am soon to start a masters I applied for to delay choosing a career.

If you can find a job you want to give your life to (and have a realistic shot at) then so much the better for you.
But you still have time. If you're doing a-levels you can go with what you enjoy most, what you're best at, or where you think you might like to work some day.
The a-levels will restrict what you can do at degree a bit, but many, if not most, courses will be open to you whatever a-levels you pick.
And if you have picked your a-levels for the right reasons you'll probably still find that they do lead into areas that interest you.
It'll be alright.


I'm having to face the reality that there is no career that is 'perfect' for me, nothing I can throw myself into, nothing enjoyable and meaningful.
I suppose we all have to compromise.

Things won't be perfect, but they can still be pretty good, you can still make the best of it.



> I feel so lonely too. It's not that I'm a recluse or a weirdo. It's
> not that I don't have friends or don't fit in, it's just that I'm so
> shy and self-concious that I feel out of place in most social
> situations. I'm so intensely guarded about myself, it leads me to
> bottle things up, get really frustrated and down (like now) and so
> recede further into my shell. I can't let anyone in, I can't seem to
> let anyone get close to me and I don't know why. The only reason I
> can type this now is because typing words on a screen dehumanizes it.
> I can pretend I've never written this if I want to. I can't do that
> if I speak these things to someone, yet I so dearly want to.
>
> And the most frustrating thing of all is, I was just starting to
> break down the 15-year-thick wall that I've built around myself. I
> was just starting to open up that little bit more, to start to relax
> socially and to stop thinking about how what I'm doing appears to
> others all the time. Just starting to change really, when the
> f###ing school year ended. Odd really that I should wish for the
> school year to carry on longer than necessary, but I really felt the
> change a-comin'. And now what? I've got 8 weeks of doing sod all at
> home. I'm not the type to go and hang around on street corners
> drinking cider at night, so that rules that out, I get bored
> aimlessly wandering around town and I simply can't be arrsed to go to
> the cinema. I'm a very lazy person. So over these 8 weeks I'll simply
> build the wall back up again and return to shcool back where I
> started. And that really hisses me off.


I suppose the summer thing is similar to the job thing - there seems to be no direction, nothing worth doing, right?

Maybe you could take some kind of course, or join a sports club or take up martial arts of some sort. Just something to do with a bit of human contact.
Keep working at the wall.

RastaBillySkank wrote:
> I'm scared. Really scared. I'm scared of growing up, of having to
> start taking responsibility for myself, of having to start taking
> things seriously, of having to have a future.

I know I relate to this.

> I've just finished Yr 10, Yr 11 and GCSE's loom, and it's not that
> I'm worried about them, it's the whole deal of starting to grow up.
> Within about 6 months I'm really gonna have to start thinking
> about what I want to do with my life. At the moment I have absolutely
> no idea, no inkling whatsoever of what I want to do with my life. I
> have no direction whatsoever. I know what I'm good at but that
> doesn't necessarily mean I want to do it in the future, I don't want
> to build a life around something that I only have lukewarm feelings
> towards.

Ok. :-)

Don't worry about it.
You're thinking too far ahead.
All you have to care about this year is your A level choices and GCSE's.
That's it.

Stuck on what to choose for A levels?
Just pick 4 subjects you find the most interesting/enjoyable not caring what they might lead to and enjoy 2 years of 6th Form.


When I found myself feeling like this (last year on my last year of A levels), I put off University indefinately and took up a job at MacDonalds. If anything it made me realise that I've rather live off a student loan for 3 years than work there, but I suppose I also had time to clear my head and think about what I'd like to study now, and realise that I should be focusing what I can and like to do, not search for what I was born to do, like...


So just tumble blindly through education and a career, and one day you'll find something you really want to do and go for it, or find you've landed yourself in something you really love, or perhaps screw it up...


But hey, worrying about the future will get you nowhere! :-P

"I feel so lonely too. It's not that I'm a recluse or a weirdo. It's
not that I don't have friends or don't fit in, it's just that I'm so
shy and self-concious that I feel out of place in most social
situations. I'm so intensely guarded about myself, it leads me to
bottle things up, get really frustrated and down (like now) and so
recede further into my shell."

I was the same, and in many cases, still am. Unfortunately, most people will look at you, and instead of thinking that you're shy or something, will simply assume that you're not talking because you think you're too good to talk to them.

That may sound utterly, utterly retarded, but that's how some people think.

I got that a lot, especially in 6th form. Of course I wasn't going to talk much; all my friends either left after their GCSEs or left 6th form after the first couple of months. Sure, I could have done more, I could have made an effort, but it was easier for me to just come in when I had lessons, and leave when I didn't.

I became one of the most hated people at 6th form without saying a word. I'd often hear of people having a go at me behind my back, real sinister stuff. One time somebody mentioned my name around Wal and this kid said that he HATED me. Absolutely hated me. Wal said that I was pretty much his best friend. The kid shut up after that.

Come out of your shell, remind yourself you've got no REASON to be shy, not any more, and make an effort to be nice to people. It may feel weird, suddenly talking to people, and most will be surprised by it, but trust me, it's better than spending your life hiding from social situations. I tried it, and it made me miserable.

I didn't know what I wanted to do until I was about 21-22ish. True story. Goatboy, who I believe is still 30, only realised what he wanted to do about 6 months ago. You're 15, you're not expected to know yet.

Chris mate, 2 things :)

1) Don't worry about these life changing, definite, final, single, oh my god if you screw this up you've blown it forever choices, because they aren't that huge. The best advice I can give you is to pick what you'll enjoy doing - I changed my mind from Further Maths/Physics/Chemistry/German to English Language/French/German/Politics about a week before my final choices were due, because I knew I was only taking sciences because I was good at them. I love doing languages and it's just left everything totally open for me - All I knew is that I wanted to travel and communicate, and these have helped me out with that, but I had no real ideas about using them for a job at the time.

I've decided within the last year that I want to lok more in to TEFL and continue language studies, so I made the right choice for my immediate future, but in 10 years time I may change my mind and wish I'd done sciences. I can't know what'll change, you can't know, no one can, and there's nothing stopping you taking an AS level in your second year if you know you need it for a uni course. You need to enjoy these years, that's hit me hard recently, and I love my 6th form at the moment.

Of course, dropping a subject doesn't mean you have to forget about it totally. You may decide to take no languages at all, but still travel and read foreign things, or take no expressive arts, but still have a band or be in productions. The 4 A level choices aren't the be all and end all, keep your knowledge base as wide as you can, you'll be a better person for it too..

Oh yeah, 2) Come to Saffron Walden to fill some idle hours! We'll show you an..interesting..time. Promise.

And horny people, apparently. It's why I go. Oh, and zombie movies.

First things first, I only read this topic thinking it was going to be about a foul smelling prostitute,

Having gotten over the disappointment that it isn't I'll offer some advice that's probably already been said, but hey, if it comes from me, it's more importnat, okay? ;o)

At your age I didn't know what I wanted to do. I'm still getting it sorted in my head now, having pursued various things in the right direction for the last two years - and I'll be 27 this year.

I've got the wife, the children, a job that pays well, all without knowing what the Hell I wanted out of life. It has a funny way of rolling on whilst you make your mind up.

I bet there are some people that think they know what they want ot do at your school, aren't there? Chances are that half of them will eagerly pursue this desired career, only to change there minds when they get there, or maybe years later. Honestly though, not being patronising or anything, how the hell are you supposed to know what you want to do with the rest of your life, you're 15! This I certainly wouldn't worry about.

Of course, you do have to make choices about whether you want to go on to 6th form after GCSE's. As I didn't have a clue what I wanted, I did ones that left plenty of doors open - English, Maths and Business Studies. Though I think they've probably changed the way they do things now, so that won't help much -


Onto your wall. The key thing is, you know it's there. Even better, you've started to work on breaking it down. Yeah it might come before September, but I bet it'll be weaker than it was before. You'll find yourself breaking it down much sooner second time.

I bloody hated being 15. Actually I pretty much hated most of my secondary school years, never quite felt part of any crowd. But everyone goes through so much at that stage, it's difficult to find a place to fit in.

All the best with it, anyway.

Secondary school was the best. All you had to do was pay attention in class for a few minutes (the trick was when and for how long) per lesson, you didn't really have to worry about your exam results since they won't have much of a major effect on your progression (compared to college and uni), and there was none of that "adulty" stuff to worry about; loans, paying rent, shopping... you didn't even have to revise up until exam time, where a 2 day cram would be sufficient for half of your subjects.

Trust me, when you look back you'd think of those days as the best. Unless you got bullied or had a crappy family.