Viewing Thread:
"Hohum"

I'm scared. Really scared. I'm scared of growing up, of having to start taking responsibility for myself, of having to start taking things seriously, of having to have a future.

I've just finished Yr 10, Yr 11 and GCSE's loom, and it's not that I'm worried about them, it's the whole deal of starting to grow up. Within about 6 months I'm really gonna have to start thinking about what I want to do with my life. At the moment I have absolutely no idea, no inkling whatsoever of what I want to do with my life. I have no direction whatsoever. I know what I'm good at but that doesn't necessarily mean I want to do it in the future, I don't want to build a life around something that I only have lukewarm feelings towards.

I'd love to be a professional musician, but, come on, let's be realistic here, that's not gonna happen. I don't have the dedication or indeed the talent to do that. It's not pessimism, it's not negativity, it's cold hard fact. So what do I want to do? Like I've said. I. DON'T. KNOW! And it frustrates me. I know, "I'm young and shouldn't be thinking like this", but that's not the point. I am thinking like this. And it scares me.

I feel so lonely too. It's not that I'm a recluse or a weirdo. It's not that I don't have friends or don't fit in, it's just that I'm so shy and self-concious that I feel out of place in most social situations. I'm so intensely guarded about myself, it leads me to bottle things up, get really frustrated and down (like now) and so recede further into my shell. I can't let anyone in, I can't seem to let anyone get close to me and I don't know why. The only reason I can type this now is because typing words on a screen dehumanizes it. I can pretend I've never written this if I want to. I can't do that if I speak these things to someone, yet I so dearly want to.

And the most frustrating thing of all is, I was just starting to break down the 15-year-thick wall that I've built around myself. I was just starting to open up that little bit more, to start to relax socially and to stop thinking about how what I'm doing appears to others all the time. Just starting to change really, when the f###ing school year ended. Odd really that I should wish for the school year to carry on longer than necessary, but I really felt the change a-comin'. And now what? I've got 8 weeks of doing sod all at home. I'm not the type to go and hang around on street corners drinking cider at night, so that rules that out, I get bored aimlessly wandering around town and I simply can't be arrsed to go to the cinema. I'm a very lazy person. So over these 8 weeks I'll simply build the wall back up again and return to shcool back where I started. And that really hisses me off.

Generally I think this is a "what am I doing with my life, I'm sucha flawed person" kinda post, which it's not meant to be. I just needed to get all that off my chest. I'm sure when life throws challenges at me in a couple of years time I'll deal with them, I'll end up doing something. But I can just tell it'll be a shatty office job and I'll be left grinding away the rest of my life in a 9-5 hating myself for what I've become and for not becoming what I could've been.

Rar. I'll probably delete this...

I'm scared. Really scared. I'm scared of growing up, of having to start taking responsibility for myself, of having to start taking things seriously, of having to have a future.

I've just finished Yr 10, Yr 11 and GCSE's loom, and it's not that I'm worried about them, it's the whole deal of starting to grow up. Within about 6 months I'm really gonna have to start thinking about what I want to do with my life. At the moment I have absolutely no idea, no inkling whatsoever of what I want to do with my life. I have no direction whatsoever. I know what I'm good at but that doesn't necessarily mean I want to do it in the future, I don't want to build a life around something that I only have lukewarm feelings towards.

I'd love to be a professional musician, but, come on, let's be realistic here, that's not gonna happen. I don't have the dedication or indeed the talent to do that. It's not pessimism, it's not negativity, it's cold hard fact. So what do I want to do? Like I've said. I. DON'T. KNOW! And it frustrates me. I know, "I'm young and shouldn't be thinking like this", but that's not the point. I am thinking like this. And it scares me.

I feel so lonely too. It's not that I'm a recluse or a weirdo. It's not that I don't have friends or don't fit in, it's just that I'm so shy and self-concious that I feel out of place in most social situations. I'm so intensely guarded about myself, it leads me to bottle things up, get really frustrated and down (like now) and so recede further into my shell. I can't let anyone in, I can't seem to let anyone get close to me and I don't know why. The only reason I can type this now is because typing words on a screen dehumanizes it. I can pretend I've never written this if I want to. I can't do that if I speak these things to someone, yet I so dearly want to.

And the most frustrating thing of all is, I was just starting to break down the 15-year-thick wall that I've built around myself. I was just starting to open up that little bit more, to start to relax socially and to stop thinking about how what I'm doing appears to others all the time. Just starting to change really, when the f###ing school year ended. Odd really that I should wish for the school year to carry on longer than necessary, but I really felt the change a-comin'. And now what? I've got 8 weeks of doing sod all at home. I'm not the type to go and hang around on street corners drinking cider at night, so that rules that out, I get bored aimlessly wandering around town and I simply can't be arrsed to go to the cinema. I'm a very lazy person. So over these 8 weeks I'll simply build the wall back up again and return to shcool back where I started. And that really hisses me off.

Generally I think this is a "what am I doing with my life, I'm sucha flawed person" kinda post, which it's not meant to be. I just needed to get all that off my chest. I'm sure when life throws challenges at me in a couple of years time I'll deal with them, I'll end up doing something. But I can just tell it'll be a shatty office job and I'll be left grinding away the rest of my life in a 9-5 hating myself for what I've become and for not becoming what I could've been.

Rar. I'll probably delete this...

Ah, the old school / college, career / future blurb.

FinalFantasyFanatic wrote:
> Ah, the old school / college, career / future blurb.

:-) Yup

Been through this quite recently, and may I say I'm in the exact same position, other than the fact I have a tiny bit more accomplishment than you in that I have rough ideas of what I want to do. I won't have too much trouble selecting A-level options later this year, yet I'm still not entirely sure what will wow me as a job in the future.

As for the friends/lonely side of your life, again, I've been there. When my very best friend of practically my whole life moved away my social life was pretty much bankrupt. I was so secluded and withdrawn. Over a period of three years I've slowly started to initiate myself back into a group of friends, and I have to say at the moment my life is in pretty good shape.

Its good to have these rants, it sort of lets all your feelings out even if its on a piece of paper it still exists somewhere other than in your head. G'luck, sir (even though you specifically didn't ask for it, I'm just too nice-a guy not to wish good luck).

You only get one chance.

What ive done is get a good job and im doing all the things i enjoy now :D
To young to have kids i feel, not ready to settle down, you know.

I've done most of the things in the checklist for life.
Skydiving was the favourite.

The only suggestion i can think of is that you should enjoy life while you are still here :D

who cares what people think of you, life is short and should be sweet, good luck.

Lots of ranting at the moment, eh? :-)

Don't worry, the job will come in time. I was lucky in that I've always had a vague idea of what I've wanted to do, a couple actually, and I'm going to keep on pushing as much as I can. There's a time when you'll know; your interests etc. will soon turn into some sort of urge to work somewhere.

All I can really say is try to break your lazy pattern of thought. I often get lazy, give up with things and end up pointlessly wandering around wasting time. But just trying to save half an hour, maybe an hour a day to do something; I don't know, write a book, write a song, just build somethign that will take its time. I intend to do both, but like I said I've had problems in that there's no drive to do so, you just need to change your pattern.

Easier said than done, but still hardly an impossibility. :-)

As for the social thing, I know how you feel. I don't know, maybe you could try walking around pointlessly? :-D I hate sitting around doing nothing, but it tends to push your firends away, and the lats thing you want is to completely alienate your friends. Even if it just means walking around for a bit and then if there's nothing to do, going in. At least it's somethign to occupy your mind.

Good luck with everything dude.

RBS, I've just done my GCSEs, and, let me tell you, they are absolutely nothing like you think they'll be. Don't dread them - just revise a fair bit, and you'll get through them with no difficulty whatsoever. After the first exam, it just become sthe norm. I know what you're feeling, I know what you're thinking, but the GCSEs are highly overrated, especially if you've got any sense about you. Just relax, and treat it as just another exam, and don't try tpo think too much about it, yeah?

And, regarding the whole feeling lonely, I've been there, too. When I moved to Manchester, I felt extremely lonely. I felt like nobody knew what I felt, that my Mum didn't care much, and that anyone I cared about was 52 miles away (which they were). And I was quite fat, which made me extremely self concious. Then I grew out of it, much. But GCSEs and year 11 seem to coem around at the wrong time. Throughout year 11, I just wanted to go out and play footy with my mates, play on my XBOX and get mates around to my house for multiplayer, and my interest in school was wearing greatly. After 11 or so years of being focused and determined to do everything to the peak of my ability, I started to rush stuff, and forget stuff, along with lack of passion, it just all mounted up. As I said, just relax, enjoy school, stay yourself, and everything should work out, and, once you start your GCSEs, the whole responsibility thing just goes out of the window. I didn't want to grow up. I didn't want to leave school. But now the GCSEs are over, and I'm free, I've finally realised that the only thing I didn't want to happen was the GCSEs. I'm looking forward to college, looking forward to leaving home after iyt, and looking forward to Uni and getting a job, however distant they are in the future.

Hey, I've done GCSEs, A levels, a National Diploma and I'm still unsure of what I want to do.

Dream job? Director.
Slightly more realistic job? Freelance script writer.
Most probabal job? Working in an office the rest of my life.

I'm in denial about it, but that's probably where I'll end up - that sad guy working in an office who tells people about the sitcom he's writing which every major channel is interested in, but never gets made.

To be honest, I'm not bothered where I end up, as long as I'm not bothered about waking up every morning to go to my job every day for the rest of my working days. If I can get a job that makes me happy, and fufills me, I'll be happy. If that's being a dustbin man, I don't care. If I can get pay which will support me, and keep me in enough money to live relatively comfortably (housed, fed etc. and enough disposable income to waste, say, £100 a week on random crap), I'll be happy.

But then I'll get a wife and kids and stuff. Which won't be nice

I lurve you Rasta, but you know that.

Whatever you do, I know you'll do it right. And ignoring the cold hard fact for the moment, what instruments do you play and what do you do?