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The Horrible Penguin.
Johnny opened his cupboard door and lifted out his supply of facial moisturiser. He had a very dry face, did young Johnny, a face with skin peeling off in a manner likable only to the way in which a man’s scalp comes off after an old fashioned scalping. The moments raced by as Johnny applied his moisturiser as he did every other day. This day was slightly different though; it was the day that only came around every 6 weeks – the day when the moisturiser ran out. It was a six-week bottle, you see, so he would now need to head to the shop, as he did every six weeks, in an attempt to refurbish his supply.
Johnny threw his empty bottle into the bin and set off on his adventurous shopping trip for a new one.
“Brrrr”, thought Johnny, “’tis chilly out here this day, I think I can see snow on the horizon”.
Johnny trotted along the street, wrapping himself in his own arms in an attempt to maintain operational temperature. It was slightly deserted in the town, with few people around compared to the normal Saturday morning bustle, only some lonesome shoppers mixed in with the occasional hobo.
“Damn hobos”, Johnny accidentally exclaimed loudly.
At this, he realised his grave error and looked around to see numerous hobos eye him up. Johnny had to think fast.
“I have to think fast”, Johnny thought to himself quietly.
Johnny looked across to see the pharmacist turn the sign on their door to ‘open’.
“Score!” He thought.
The hobos wouldn’t maul him violently in front of a shopkeeper, and even if they dared to enter the pharmacy, they’d be too distracted by the drugs to even contemplate a full-scale attack. Once more circumstance had prevailed in Johnny’s favour.
As he browsed the moisturiser section, Johnny spied a 2-for-1 offer on his favourite brand.
“Yes!”
He wouldn’t have to go through the ordeal of braving the town alone for 12 weeks this time, and at no extra cost!
“What a perfect day”, thought Johnny.
Johnny had spent about 10 minutes in the pharmacy, more than long enough for those junkies and drunks to forget his comment.
“Off home!” Johnny exclaimed, to begin his travel homeward.
Johnny happily skipped along the path back to his secluded homestead, observing the weather deteriorate as he went.
“How unfortunate, this snow will certainly slow down my walk.”
Johnny’s skip turned into a trudge, as he slowly forced his way along in the worsening conditions.
Johnny stopped and dropped his backpack in front of him (he had a backpack with him this entire time, you see). From within the pack he produced a pair of all-weather wellies. His pack contained an army survival kit, so he was prepared for all conditions. Along the path Johnny was to encounter a small kitten.
“Oh look, a small kitten! It looks so cold and lonely.”
Johnny lifted the kitten up in front of his face and smiled. The kitten hissed and scratched in the direction of his left eye.
“Ow, my face, you naughty kitten!”
Angered at this violence, Johnny tossed the kitten over the wall of the bridge he stood atop, sending it hurtling down to the ice cold water below.
“My, that was a might fall”, Johnny said, slightly surprised.
With that, the kitten let out a final “miaow” before being dragged down by the undercurrent.
As Johnny returned to his house, he realised his parents were out, so again he benefited from circumstance – he wouldn’t have to think up an excuse to explain why he’d been away, allowing him to easily conceal his moisturiser secret.
Johnny lazed back into his chair and prepared to download some porn while his parents were out, the perfect end to his morning adventure.
With that, the penguin killed him.
What a horrible penguin.
The End.
Johnny opened his cupboard door and lifted out his supply of facial moisturiser. He had a very dry face, did young Johnny, a face with skin peeling off in a manner likable only to the way in which a man’s scalp comes off after an old fashioned scalping. The moments raced by as Johnny applied his moisturiser as he did every other day. This day was slightly different though; it was the day that only came around every 6 weeks – the day when the moisturiser ran out. It was a six-week bottle, you see, so he would now need to head to the shop, as he did every six weeks, in an attempt to refurbish his supply.
Johnny threw his empty bottle into the bin and set off on his adventurous shopping trip for a new one.
“Brrrr”, thought Johnny, “’tis chilly out here this day, I think I can see snow on the horizon”.
Johnny trotted along the street, wrapping himself in his own arms in an attempt to maintain operational temperature. It was slightly deserted in the town, with few people around compared to the normal Saturday morning bustle, only some lonesome shoppers mixed in with the occasional hobo.
“Damn hobos”, Johnny accidentally exclaimed loudly.
At this, he realised his grave error and looked around to see numerous hobos eye him up. Johnny had to think fast.
“I have to think fast”, Johnny thought to himself quietly.
Johnny looked across to see the pharmacist turn the sign on their door to ‘open’.
“Score!” He thought.
The hobos wouldn’t maul him violently in front of a shopkeeper, and even if they dared to enter the pharmacy, they’d be too distracted by the drugs to even contemplate a full-scale attack. Once more circumstance had prevailed in Johnny’s favour.
As he browsed the moisturiser section, Johnny spied a 2-for-1 offer on his favourite brand.
“Yes!”
He wouldn’t have to go through the ordeal of braving the town alone for 12 weeks this time, and at no extra cost!
“What a perfect day”, thought Johnny.
Johnny had spent about 10 minutes in the pharmacy, more than long enough for those junkies and drunks to forget his comment.
“Off home!” Johnny exclaimed, to begin his travel homeward.
Johnny happily skipped along the path back to his secluded homestead, observing the weather deteriorate as he went.
“How unfortunate, this snow will certainly slow down my walk.”
Johnny’s skip turned into a trudge, as he slowly forced his way along in the worsening conditions.
Johnny stopped and dropped his backpack in front of him (he had a backpack with him this entire time, you see). From within the pack he produced a pair of all-weather wellies. His pack contained an army survival kit, so he was prepared for all conditions. Along the path Johnny was to encounter a small kitten.
“Oh look, a small kitten! It looks so cold and lonely.”
Johnny lifted the kitten up in front of his face and smiled. The kitten hissed and scratched in the direction of his left eye.
“Ow, my face, you naughty kitten!”
Angered at this violence, Johnny tossed the kitten over the wall of the bridge he stood atop, sending it hurtling down to the ice cold water below.
“My, that was a might fall”, Johnny said, slightly surprised.
With that, the kitten let out a final “miaow” before being dragged down by the undercurrent.
As Johnny returned to his house, he realised his parents were out, so again he benefited from circumstance – he wouldn’t have to think up an excuse to explain why he’d been away, allowing him to easily conceal his moisturiser secret.
Johnny lazed back into his chair and prepared to download some porn while his parents were out, the perfect end to his morning adventure.
With that, the penguin killed him.
What a horrible penguin.
The End.
Page:
Yup, rubbish.
Except for the bit about the hobos being distracted by the drugs, that made me chuckle.
Except for the bit about the hobos being distracted by the drugs, that made me chuckle.
SHEEPY wrote:
> I thought it was rubbish
Yes.
> I thought it was rubbish
Yes.
I thought it was rubbish
This is my most favourite story that I have ever read.
The Horrible Penguin.
Johnny opened his cupboard door and lifted out his supply of facial moisturiser. He had a very dry face, did young Johnny, a face with skin peeling off in a manner likable only to the way in which a man’s scalp comes off after an old fashioned scalping. The moments raced by as Johnny applied his moisturiser as he did every other day. This day was slightly different though; it was the day that only came around every 6 weeks – the day when the moisturiser ran out. It was a six-week bottle, you see, so he would now need to head to the shop, as he did every six weeks, in an attempt to refurbish his supply.
Johnny threw his empty bottle into the bin and set off on his adventurous shopping trip for a new one.
“Brrrr”, thought Johnny, “’tis chilly out here this day, I think I can see snow on the horizon”.
Johnny trotted along the street, wrapping himself in his own arms in an attempt to maintain operational temperature. It was slightly deserted in the town, with few people around compared to the normal Saturday morning bustle, only some lonesome shoppers mixed in with the occasional hobo.
“Damn hobos”, Johnny accidentally exclaimed loudly.
At this, he realised his grave error and looked around to see numerous hobos eye him up. Johnny had to think fast.
“I have to think fast”, Johnny thought to himself quietly.
Johnny looked across to see the pharmacist turn the sign on their door to ‘open’.
“Score!” He thought.
The hobos wouldn’t maul him violently in front of a shopkeeper, and even if they dared to enter the pharmacy, they’d be too distracted by the drugs to even contemplate a full-scale attack. Once more circumstance had prevailed in Johnny’s favour.
As he browsed the moisturiser section, Johnny spied a 2-for-1 offer on his favourite brand.
“Yes!”
He wouldn’t have to go through the ordeal of braving the town alone for 12 weeks this time, and at no extra cost!
“What a perfect day”, thought Johnny.
Johnny had spent about 10 minutes in the pharmacy, more than long enough for those junkies and drunks to forget his comment.
“Off home!” Johnny exclaimed, to begin his travel homeward.
Johnny happily skipped along the path back to his secluded homestead, observing the weather deteriorate as he went.
“How unfortunate, this snow will certainly slow down my walk.”
Johnny’s skip turned into a trudge, as he slowly forced his way along in the worsening conditions.
Johnny stopped and dropped his backpack in front of him (he had a backpack with him this entire time, you see). From within the pack he produced a pair of all-weather wellies. His pack contained an army survival kit, so he was prepared for all conditions. Along the path Johnny was to encounter a small kitten.
“Oh look, a small kitten! It looks so cold and lonely.”
Johnny lifted the kitten up in front of his face and smiled. The kitten hissed and scratched in the direction of his left eye.
“Ow, my face, you naughty kitten!”
Angered at this violence, Johnny tossed the kitten over the wall of the bridge he stood atop, sending it hurtling down to the ice cold water below.
“My, that was a might fall”, Johnny said, slightly surprised.
With that, the kitten let out a final “miaow” before being dragged down by the undercurrent.
As Johnny returned to his house, he realised his parents were out, so again he benefited from circumstance – he wouldn’t have to think up an excuse to explain why he’d been away, allowing him to easily conceal his moisturiser secret.
Johnny lazed back into his chair and prepared to download some porn while his parents were out, the perfect end to his morning adventure.
With that, the penguin killed him.
What a horrible penguin.
The End.
Johnny opened his cupboard door and lifted out his supply of facial moisturiser. He had a very dry face, did young Johnny, a face with skin peeling off in a manner likable only to the way in which a man’s scalp comes off after an old fashioned scalping. The moments raced by as Johnny applied his moisturiser as he did every other day. This day was slightly different though; it was the day that only came around every 6 weeks – the day when the moisturiser ran out. It was a six-week bottle, you see, so he would now need to head to the shop, as he did every six weeks, in an attempt to refurbish his supply.
Johnny threw his empty bottle into the bin and set off on his adventurous shopping trip for a new one.
“Brrrr”, thought Johnny, “’tis chilly out here this day, I think I can see snow on the horizon”.
Johnny trotted along the street, wrapping himself in his own arms in an attempt to maintain operational temperature. It was slightly deserted in the town, with few people around compared to the normal Saturday morning bustle, only some lonesome shoppers mixed in with the occasional hobo.
“Damn hobos”, Johnny accidentally exclaimed loudly.
At this, he realised his grave error and looked around to see numerous hobos eye him up. Johnny had to think fast.
“I have to think fast”, Johnny thought to himself quietly.
Johnny looked across to see the pharmacist turn the sign on their door to ‘open’.
“Score!” He thought.
The hobos wouldn’t maul him violently in front of a shopkeeper, and even if they dared to enter the pharmacy, they’d be too distracted by the drugs to even contemplate a full-scale attack. Once more circumstance had prevailed in Johnny’s favour.
As he browsed the moisturiser section, Johnny spied a 2-for-1 offer on his favourite brand.
“Yes!”
He wouldn’t have to go through the ordeal of braving the town alone for 12 weeks this time, and at no extra cost!
“What a perfect day”, thought Johnny.
Johnny had spent about 10 minutes in the pharmacy, more than long enough for those junkies and drunks to forget his comment.
“Off home!” Johnny exclaimed, to begin his travel homeward.
Johnny happily skipped along the path back to his secluded homestead, observing the weather deteriorate as he went.
“How unfortunate, this snow will certainly slow down my walk.”
Johnny’s skip turned into a trudge, as he slowly forced his way along in the worsening conditions.
Johnny stopped and dropped his backpack in front of him (he had a backpack with him this entire time, you see). From within the pack he produced a pair of all-weather wellies. His pack contained an army survival kit, so he was prepared for all conditions. Along the path Johnny was to encounter a small kitten.
“Oh look, a small kitten! It looks so cold and lonely.”
Johnny lifted the kitten up in front of his face and smiled. The kitten hissed and scratched in the direction of his left eye.
“Ow, my face, you naughty kitten!”
Angered at this violence, Johnny tossed the kitten over the wall of the bridge he stood atop, sending it hurtling down to the ice cold water below.
“My, that was a might fall”, Johnny said, slightly surprised.
With that, the kitten let out a final “miaow” before being dragged down by the undercurrent.
As Johnny returned to his house, he realised his parents were out, so again he benefited from circumstance – he wouldn’t have to think up an excuse to explain why he’d been away, allowing him to easily conceal his moisturiser secret.
Johnny lazed back into his chair and prepared to download some porn while his parents were out, the perfect end to his morning adventure.
With that, the penguin killed him.
What a horrible penguin.
The End.
Page: