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"Yeah? And? So? What?"

Haven't been around much lately here, just don't seem to find the will or desire to read anybody's opinions on things.
Not sure what tone this post will take, at the moment it's circling as a silent scream at the world - a fist smashed into the face of your god.

The best thing I've done in recent times was to walk away from a pointless office job where I sat and typed here all day being superior and sarcastic whilst telling myself I was a good person.
Then I realised I was just like all the other schlubs sitting at a desk waiting for 5pm/retirement/death. It hit me like a bucket of cold water after wasting 4 years and I walked away.
No concerns about £ or future, I dusted my hands together and walked. I know what I want to do, but I have to spend the next few years getting there with training/degrees/retaking exams etc.
Currently temping in some mindless office job whilst I figure out my next move, and I at least have the knowledge that I took a large fistful of my future and refuse to let go now.

I have zero interest in being chummy with the people that work at this place. I don't talk to them, don't make jokes, don't say "good morning" or "bye" when I leave, don't indulge in mindless chitchat to pass the time.
It's not an exaggeration or an attempt to be all "hey I'm so cool", I just refuse to pretend like it matters and play at being sociable. Everybody goes out for a fag at 10am, I go out when they come back in. I go home for lunch and have managed, for 3 days, to remain 100% silent all day long.
Why?
Because they're the antithesis of what I want from life. They might be good people, they might not. I don't care.
It's the same as you lot that post here, you may think there's a "community" or everybody's a friend/whatever, but (and I don't say this to be internet-toughguy), I really couldn't care less if 99% of you fell off the earth in the next 60 seconds.
It's just being honest with you/myself, same as you couldn't give a damn if I never posted here again - why should you?
But it's this fake idea of being interested/sympathetic with somebody simply because you are in the same job/forum as them.
Why? Why should I sit there and exchanged banal droning about the weather/the weekend/the kids/the television when I have no interest in being your friend?

Apparently my silence and non-interplay at work is "intimidating" and "anti-social" according to a woman that insisted on talking at me whilst I stood outside smoking.
I said to her "Look, I'm here to earn money and that's it. I don't watch your television programmes, I don't want to spend the next 40 years at a desk punching in and out. I'm not trying to be a pain, I just don't care at all what goes on here. It's a job"
She got all huffy and walked off.
Boo.Hoo.
I sit and listen to them. They spent an hour talking about "Corrie" and "Big Bruvver!!!" like it meant anything outside of a sedative pumped into your home 24/7. They spoke about characters in tv-land like they were real people.
Fair enough, whatever works for you. Just don't get sniffy when I don't join in your reindeer games because it does nothing for me.

I just feel, for the past few weeks, like I'm floating in a sensory deprivation tank. I feel cut-off and disinterested in playing along with the script we seem to be issued with and learn through years of school and social conditioning.
I was seeing a woman since last October time, but I haven't seen her for the past 4 weeks or so. I just can't be bothered to, I've run out of witty and erudite things to say to her. I say "I don't feel like it this weekend" and she gets moody with me for it.
Whatever, feel angry/upset. I just don't care.
It's not depression, don't think for one instance that I indulge in angsty hand-wringing and trying to express my loneliness and inner-demons with 3rd rate short stories or mediocre poetry that would embarrass a GCSE English student.
It's an awareness that I don't have to engage in pointless social ritual simply because it's expected of me.
I'm not miserable, I'm not sitting listening to songs that "totally express how I feel maaaan" or any of that moody rubbish.

I am angry however.
Angry that people seem to want to get in your face and offer advice when you stray from the path of least resistance to discover your own trail through life.
Why? Why do you present such a threat to the status quo if you say "Actually, 9-5/savings/mortgage/marriage/kids isn't for me thanks" and go off on a wander with your own map?
"Ooooh, he's intimidating and anti-social"
No, I'm just not going to waste time with purile conversation and smiling (even if it is nothing but teeth). So where's the problem? I'm not being moody, I'm not snarling and swearing quietly. I just go in, mind my own business and leave at 5pm. No I don't want to go to the pub, no I don't want to discuss what I did at the weekend with you, no I'm not interested in signing that birthday card and giving money to somebody I don't know thankyouverymuch.

And I'm also dealing with a family member being diagnosed with final-stage terminal cancer of the brain.
They'd been ill for a while, in-and-out of hospital and finally the doctor's discovered "secondaries" in the liver and lungs. If we're lucky, they say, she'll live for a couple more months. If she's lucky, she won't.
It's no state for a person to spend their remaining days alive, semi-coherent, rambling, crying, confused and asking where everybody is (try explaining that "yes you're dying rapidly, but visiting hours only permit us to spend time with you between a certain time!!!")
Please don't think I'm after sympathy or a hug or any of that crap.
I'm furious
I'm furious because when my cat had liver failure, the vet said it was best to have him put down.
But a person? A person that you've known since you can remember? A person who figures in your first memory? Oh no, they have to lay there in fear, a shell of who they were. And you get to watch them die before your very eyes!!!

Now THAT's entertainment folks!
Nevermind reality television with nobodies competing for cash prizes!
No no no no nononononono.
You want something that's really reality? Watch a relative die in front of you. You can see them getting greyer and less animated every time you visit!
You can see their stomach distend from the medication!
You can smell the cancer when they breathe on you, when you have to lean in so close because they can barely talk above a whisper!
So your poor likkle moggy can be gracefully induced to prevent further suffering, awwwwwwwww how ####ing considerate we are.
Just don't want to help somebody you love, nope. You get to watch them fade away, fighting for breath and sobbing because they don't know who you are.
Yeah!!! Fan-####ing-tastic caring sympathetic people we are!

Then I get to go into an air-conditioned building with people that think Eastenders is miserable.
That's why I don't talk to them, because I know it's just ritualistic mantra to ask "How was your weekend?".
What do I say? "Well on Sunday I had to see somebody I love not recognise me and moan because of the pain you can never imagine as cancer eats them with frightening rapidity. But hey, Big Brother eh? What a wacky show!"

Balls to that.
I'll sit there and wonder if today will be the day the phone rings from the hospital, and I'll do it quietly and minding my own business. I'll sit there having realised I could no longer work forever doing something I never wanted to do as a kid.
And I'll watch people talk about their breakfast and their television and their dog that keeps being sick on the carpet, and I'll mind my own business and quietly think about things.

I'm not sad. I'm angry. I'm not sleepwalking, I'm wide awake.
I'm going to bed.

Can't decide what to say, so won't say anything, good luck

I'm sure you can pretty much guess my opinions, but for the record...

Were it not so gay, I'd offer Manly commiserations on woes. Do whatever it takes to make you feel good mate.

It's odd.

I, and although reading it it sounds harsh, don't care as such about what you wrote. And before I even opened the topic I knew this'd be the case.
But I read it anyway, because - well, I don't know. Just like you don't really know why you posted.

Already, I don't actually know what I'm trying to say. I normally read what you post, not because I care, but... you know. I'm struggling to find words to describe what I mean, so forgive me. But hopefully you catch my drift.

Still, I'll wish you luck in everything that happens. It seems the decent thing to do, which I suppose in a way is contradictory to everything yourself, and indeed what I said - why bother if I don't care?

Ach, I'm losing the point on what I'm saying, but never mind.
Looking back on what I've said... I don't know. This is all very vague and without an actual point, but I suppose what I'm trying to say is, is that despite I don't care about what you said, I do care.
Hmm.

So. Could someone explain to me what I just said?
No?

Bloody Scots ...

*tuts*

Just read this as I was browsing, and just as you may not care what we think, I'm not too concerned what you think, so I'll say it anyway:

I'm really sorry to hear about your relative. I too find the lack of euthansia terrible, but haven't had this experience.

I know how you feel whilst you're working in this temp job. I can't really advise though - if you don't want to talk to them, fair dinkum.

I admire the spirit you seem to have in you, so I encourage you to get out of the temp job when you can, and do what you like, whatever you find that is.

Best of luck.

phhw, i don't know.

Everything confuses me.

You told me this a while ago and I think it's relevant to quote it now:

"Are you me?"

(minus the 4 years at the same job, I get sick of those sort of people/jobs far, far quicker so possibly count yourself lucky(?))

I'll probably comment in more depth later as I'm in the process of consuming some grade Z drink and wondering how the hell I'm holding down a job which is the opposite of a lot of things I want.

I guess you have to have to take some crap to get to the good stuff, which is porobably a good thing otherwise the good stuff would be... mediocre or something.

Oh well. That's life.

I'm off to live in Spain sometime (once the birth thing is out of the way), unfortunately it's full of English people.

Erm well, I am sorry to hear that because I like you.

I can't really offer advice because I've never been in that position, I'm 18 and you don't want to hear. But yeah hope you're ok.

Goatboy wrote:
> You want something that's really reality? Watch a relative die in
> front of you. You can see them getting greyer and less animated every
> time you visit!


Yeah, i know how you feel and it sucks. My gran died of throat cancer maybe 5 years ago now, i didnt really notice at first but i gradually picked up on the fact that she found it harder and harder to talk. Then she was diagnosed with cancer after getting a second opinion after her doctor told her it was just a throat infection.

I remember one saturday when we visited and we opened the front door and we couldnt hear anything, i think the whole family thought that she had died in bed. That was quite a scary moment, but it turned out that she was just feeling too weak to move.

Not long after that she was admitted to a hospice not too far away where she lived out her last days, in the last few days before she passed away we barely had the chance to talk to her because the medication made her so groggy, she would be part of the conversation and then just fall asleep.

There was one occasion where she woke up just before we left, i gave her a hug. She died the next day.