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"Something a bit different - A child's story no. 2!"

Well, One of my earlier child's stories but here it is

Manic McGee
Three miles south
Of a huge oak tree
A tatty young squirrel
Goes by the name of McGee

Was chasing and racing
A feather in the wind
He jumped up and caught it
To the floor it was pinned

A rebel of a rodent
A naughty little fiend
At doing chores and good things
He was so unkeen

His Nana squirrel
Would tut and mutter
Just a glimpse of the pest
Got her in a flutter

No cause could be captured
For the ways he so strayed
Watching the hard work of others
On the grass he laid

Oh, Why, Oh, Why
Mama squirrel would ask
Why won’t he do
Just a tiny task!

Such a naughty young fellow
They would say as he passed
As he took every hazelnut
And ran away fast

None of the others
Would be McGee’s friend
So McGee all alone
For himself he would fend

He would huff and puff
As he chewed on some straw
That wasn’t enough
He always wanted more

For such a mischievous squirrel
Goes by the name of McGee
Three miles south
Of a huge oak tree

Ha ha!

No i did... 'jus a lil bit of duck'

he he!

Thanks for your critisms ducky

Oh wait, you didn't this time.
*Shrugs*

Good again.

I would consider a little more work on the sylabols and the general fluidity of it.

And I'd also consider rearranging the thrid-to-last and second-to-last paragraphs - that puts the moral at (as good as) the end, which is where it belongs, and ties to food stealing and eating bits together nicely.


I always feel a bit awkward commenting on other peoples' creations. However much you try to make everything constructive, it always seems a bit.. lame. Mental note: Buy thesaurus!
Oh well, you asked for it :^)

thankyou very much! Yes it has a certain moral element to it -yet aggreably a little squirt being run over would prove more funny and exhilirating a read!

Very good :)

It has a moral behind it, which children seem to be lacking these days.

I wanted him to do something silly.

Not quite a sticky end, that would be a bit harsh, but something a bit like that...

You know, poetic justice! ;-)

FinalFantasyFanatic wrote:
> I think some retard should have come along and blown his brains out
> with an air-rifle. Plus some nut-related joke, possibly including a
> reference to chewing.
>
> Ah ... kids' story ...


*writes down for next poem*

Good childhood, FFF ?

I think some retard should have come along and blown his brains out with an air-rifle. Plus some nut-related joke, possibly including a reference to chewing.

Ah ... kids' story ...

It shows an imagination and emthusiasm(sp) that can't be faked, most of us could never write something like this.
Not as good as the last but still easily good enough.